AIBU to think it’s poor form to bail on a child’s party at the last minute?

[Pl242]

I’m really intrigued as to people’s views on this. It has happened several times to me when I’ve arranged a party for my children. I’ll get a message on the morning to say that little Timmy won’t be able to come after all. And not for an understandable reason such as the family having come down with a D&V bug overnight but just that they now have other plans/something has come up/they’ve realised they are double booked etc.

I find this really hard to understand and it makes me cross, particularly on behalf of my child who will be disappointed. But also for myself who has just wrapped up a pass the parcel for the right number of guests, bought food, paid a deposit for final numbers etc!

I know it annoys me as I wouldn’t do it to someone else but if you think it’s not unreasonable to do this, then why? I assume people who do this wouldn’t care if anyone cancelled on them last minute? Do people who do this just not like to be constrained by plans and just want to be constantly spontaneous etc? Genuinely curious.

I get more annoyed with people just not turning up. I only invite close family & friends as the few parties DS has been to he's been the only one who shown up - not even a text saying they can't come! I find it sad that people think it's ok to just bail at the last minute.

I did have a friend who would, right before every single party, text me being 'ill'. Just once, I texted I would be 30 min late for her child's party as DD (6 months old) was still napping. She said to everyone nastily that I'd done it as tit-for-tat for her missing my child's party! Hence, it confirmed a lot of suspicions I already had & we're no longer friends.

I'm vaguely annoyed at the odd no-show, but statistically, they're kind of expected.
Anyone with any excuse, I'm just glad they warned us (so I can help myself to the sweeties in their party bag)

What really gets me in the kind of parents who ask at the last minute (as they drop them off) if you wouldn't mind babysitting their kids while they fuck off somewhere else, and you both try to host, keep an eye on your own birthday boy/girl and their siblings, and the unexpected extra children.

YANBU. It's rubbish to bail out on the day of the party unless the child is genuinely ill. My DD was in floods of tears this year at her party as I got a phone call from the parents of one of DD's closest friends 15 mins before the party was about to start to say that said child couldn't make it and offered a flimsy excuse.

I just don't understand why if parents don't want their dc to go to a party for whatever reason, why don't they decline when they get the invite. I wouldn't have minded if it was the day before and then at least I could have calmed my DD down and been able to ask another child along instead. Aaaagh!!!

YANBU.

Bad manners.

Yanbu

Without a decent reason, of course it's rude to pull out of a party at the last minute. Even if it's not at a paid per person venue it's rude - people have catered, prepared and the child may well be very excited.

Once you accept he invitation you should attend if possible - not just turn up if a 'better offer' arrives.

Unfortunately there are far too many people these days who seem to think common courtesy is beneath them.

@queenrollo

The one time I had a party for my eldest, we invited 10 children, all accepted. 3 turned up. He had spent hours with his dad organising an obstacle course and picking campfire food (lots of the children were from his Cubs group). It upset him so much that he's never had a party since and he stopped going to Cubs. It eventually got back to me that they'd just decided to make the most of the nice weather and go to the beach instead. Individually they all thought they wouldn't be missed....not realising that almost everyone else had the same idea.

My heart broke for my boy that day. He was so excited and it was very hard to explain to him why these people didn't come.

@queenrollo that's a sad story. Some people are so rude / ignorant

If its yet another party at the local community centre/soft play for a classmate they barely talk to, yes there are other things that might come later and take priority.

Why not just decline the invitation in the first place if you/your children are not that excited about the party? That gives the hosts time to re-arrange the venue and re-think catering options if it turns out that numbers are going to be low. Most people would plan a party for, say, 8 children totally differently from a party for 30 children.

30 dc invited if most attend you still have that large buzzy feel.

I think it's worse at small home parties with 8 guests and some drop at the last minute... That's not fair!
Non of it is.
Or people thrusting extra guests on you without warning or asking!

Parties have been a real shocker, luckily ours have all gone roughly to plan over the years, but some stuff I've read on here can be heart breaking!

@CarrotCakeCrumbs

I know it is frustrating for someone to cancel last minute but sometimes life can get hectic, there are all sorts of reasons that someone might be cancelling that might not seem like good reasons but are actually very real to the person cancelling one of my friends has quite severe social anxiety and will cancel by saying that something has come up, or she had something double booked when actually it is her anxiety and she doesnt want to explain that. It's also possible to not realise you have double booked things - I am guilty of doing that quite often . I have also cancelled in the past when I've found myself shorter on money than expected and been too embarrassed to explain that as well. It is frustrating though so I can see why you would be annoyed.

Turn up with a 25p card from Asda and a packet of sweets; don't cancel last minute!

I think it often speaks volumes about people. Some will put themselves first in any given situation and others will bend over backwards for others - often at the expense of themselves. I am of the latter variety however many many moons ago I completely forgot about a party my daughter had been invited to. Circumstances were not really normal having recently relocated to another country, moved into our permanent residence, had to stop driving for a couple of weeks while sorting out local license. I felt terrible for both the birthday boy/his family and my DD. It was an absolute one off and completely genuine and I still feel bad thinking about it 11 years later.

I must be lucky. I've never had this. People have pulled out at last minute because of illness, accident and on one occasion the mum simply forgot the time (it happens). Thankfully after a couple of years of whole class parties then a Covid birthday we are moving to much small birthday celebrations which makes it all much easier IMO

@ScrapThatThen

I think we used to be much more bound by social expectations of etiquette and good form. Now that stuffiness has broken down but has made people self-centred and flaky.

Agree with this.

That said, kiddie birthday parties are somewhat out of control. Especially for preschoolers, no one besides the parents and grandparents really want to use precious leisure time for them. Maybe tighten the guest list for those.

@JadesRollerDisco

I think people don't always realise what other people's home lives are like. There could be financial reasons, domestic violence, the child could refuse to go, their could be physical or mental health problems, you really don't know. Assuming that people don't do things because they are rude, when really they might just have barriers to coming which you don't understand and which you don't deserve an explanation to. Inciting someone to a party does not give you a right to a response, or attendance, or an explanation for non attendance. That's the risk you take when you do parties.

FWIW I do do parties. I just expect that, for all the reasons above and all the ones I haven't thought of, that I will waste some money and have some extra party bags (we give them to people for their child's siblings or keep them for another party)

Totally disagree.

People whose lives are that chaotic should just decline in the first place. Not accept invitations and then fail to attend. Hosts do indeed have the right to expect sincere effort on the part of invitees, in civilized society.

Sorry I must have forgotten that birthday parties are only meant for the naice middle class kids with no problems at home. Silly me.

I agree op. It's rude. Just decline the invite and do everyone a favour.

Rude unless illness or family emergency.

People whose lives are that chaotic should just decline in the first place. Not accept invitations and then fail to attend. Hosts do indeed have the right to expect sincere effort on the part of invitees, in civilized society.

Oh yes I agree, I often felt people who are scummy enough to have any issues should wear badges, then the naice parents wouldn't accidentally invite scumbags to parties...

FFS.

There's some proper Mrs Elton types on here

'People whose lives are that chaotic should just decline in the first place. Not accept invitations and then fail to attend. Hosts do indeed have the right to expect sincere effort on the part of invitees, in civilized society.'

I disagree on this. Kids who come from chaotic families are disadvantaged enough, without being further disadvantaged by never being invited anywhere in case something goes wrong.

I think the OP was talking about people who just decide at the last minute that they've got something better to do, and after all it's only a kids' party, so not a real commitment! I do think that is very rude; and I voted YANBU to the OP.
.
But I also think that it's important to be tolerant of people who have real emergencies, or real difficulties in their lives.

@latticechaos

People whose lives are that chaotic should just decline in the first place. Not accept invitations and then fail to attend. Hosts do indeed have the right to expect sincere effort on the part of invitees, in civilized society.

Oh yes I agree, I often felt people who are scummy enough to have any issues should wear badges, then the naice parents wouldn't accidentally invite scumbags to parties...

FFS.

So it's better to inconvenience hosts?

It's all very well saying people have chaotic home lives, don't know what goes on behind closed doors etc but when my DC is upset because some people have just not turned up to a party I think I have every right to be annoyed. What exactly am I meant to say to a crying child - "oh, maybe Billy didn't turn up because his parents are going through a rough patch and couldn't make it on time" - Not exactly appropriate or the kind of suggestion I want being spread around the school on Monday. In reality I try to cheer DC up and get on with the day but I'm still pretty annoyed he spent part of his birthday crying because of someone else's lack of forethought (however understandable that lack may be to me as an adult, as I said I don't know how to explain it to a 6 year old).

@ddl1

'People whose lives are that chaotic should just decline in the first place. Not accept invitations and then fail to attend. Hosts do indeed have the right to expect sincere effort on the part of invitees, in civilized society.'

I disagree on this. Kids who come from chaotic families are disadvantaged enough, without being further disadvantaged by never being invited anywhere in case something goes wrong.

I think the OP was talking about people who just decide at the last minute that they've got something better to do, and after all it's only a kids' party, so not a real commitment! I do think that is very rude; and I voted YANBU to the OP.
.
But I also think that it's important to be tolerant of people who have real emergencies, or real difficulties in their lives.

I never said they should not be invited. Don't make things up.

Accepting and then no-showing is tge issue at hand. Regardless of the reason, it's rude. Parents and guardians who cannot fulfill their end of the bargain by getting the invitee to parties reliably and on time, should just decline in the first place.

So it's better to inconvenience hosts?

Do you have a human soul??

There was a super hostess mum at our last primary. She had extravagant parties and used to make sure to tell those of us lucky enough to make the list that she was 'only inviting nice people'. She didn't look good. We usually declined anyway because she was such an obvious snob.

It's really simple, if you accept an invitation you go along, unless there is a really good reason why not in which case you explain and try to give as much notice as possible.

@BingPot99

It's all very well saying people have chaotic home lives, don't know what goes on behind closed doors etc but when my DC is upset because some people have just not turned up to a party I think I have every right to be annoyed. What exactly am I meant to say to a crying child - "oh, maybe Billy didn't turn up because his parents are going through a rough patch and couldn't make it on time" - Not exactly appropriate or the kind of suggestion I want being spread around the school on Monday. In reality I try to cheer DC up and get on with the day but I'm still pretty annoyed he spent part of his birthday crying because of someone else's lack of forethought (however understandable that lack may be to me as an adult, as I said I don't know how to explain it to a 6 year old).

I agree.

Is it too bad that some parents are shit and their kids miss out on things? Of course. But penalizing innocent hosts is hardly the solution.