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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it’s poor form to bail on a child’s party at the last minute?

196 replies

Pl242 · 30/08/2020 09:26

I’m really intrigued as to people’s views on this. It has happened several times to me when I’ve arranged a party for my children. I’ll get a message on the morning to say that little Timmy won’t be able to come after all. And not for an understandable reason such as the family having come down with a D&V bug overnight but just that they now have other plans/something has come up/they’ve realised they are double booked etc.

I find this really hard to understand and it makes me cross, particularly on behalf of my child who will be disappointed. But also for myself who has just wrapped up a pass the parcel for the right number of guests, bought food, paid a deposit for final numbers etc!

I know it annoys me as I wouldn’t do it to someone else but if you think it’s not unreasonable to do this, then why? I assume people who do this wouldn’t care if anyone cancelled on them last minute? Do people who do this just not like to be constrained by plans and just want to be constantly spontaneous etc? Genuinely curious.

OP posts:
Thisismytimetoshine · 30/08/2020 16:13

A lot of the pressure is created by parents doing too much for parties, then expecting everyone else to care.
There's no pressure to attend whatsoever.

All the host expects is that the invited child's parents have enough social grace to accept if they want their child to attend, and decline if they don't.
Some people struggle so much with basic social etiquette, it's quite astounding.

latticechaos · 30/08/2020 16:40

@Thisismytimetoshine

A lot of the pressure is created by parents doing too much for parties, then expecting everyone else to care. There's no pressure to attend whatsoever. All the host expects is that the invited child's parents have enough social grace to accept if they want their child to attend, and decline if they don't. Some people struggle so much with basic social etiquette, it's quite astounding.
But sometimes shit happens, unless you have an empty a perfect life!
Thisismytimetoshine · 30/08/2020 16:42

The thread isn't about normal "shit" happening, it's about people just deciding not to show up and not understanding that it'd be good manners to let the host know.
Have you actually read the thread?

latticechaos · 30/08/2020 16:42

I always read things like 'basic social etiquette' in hyacinth bucket's voice Grin

People getting uptight like that about a CHILD'S party.

I just invited everyone and hoped for the best.

Thisismytimetoshine · 30/08/2020 16:44

@latticechaos

I always read things like 'basic social etiquette' in hyacinth bucket's voice Grin

People getting uptight like that about a CHILD'S party.

I just invited everyone and hoped for the best.

Some people will never get it... Bless you 😂
latticechaos · 30/08/2020 16:45

@Thisismytimetoshine

The thread isn't about normal "shit" happening, it's about people just deciding not to show up and not understanding that it'd be good manners to let the host know. Have you actually read the thread?
Yes, in the OP it said I’ll get a message on the morning to say that little Timmy won’t be able to come after all.

So they did let the host know.

I agree it is rude not to say you can't go, but the op is just annoyed they don't get an explanation.

It wouldn't concern me, it only happens occasionally.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/08/2020 16:46

@latticechaos

I always read things like 'basic social etiquette' in hyacinth bucket's voice Grin

People getting uptight like that about a CHILD'S party.

I just invited everyone and hoped for the best.

Very cool wife
latticechaos · 30/08/2020 16:48

@Thisismytimetoshine

Kids have a happy social life and we don't have many cancellations at our things, so honestly don't get the issue.

We probably wouldn't invite each other, would we Grin

Thisismytimetoshine · 30/08/2020 16:48

Definitely not Grin

latticechaos · 30/08/2020 16:53

@SnuggyBuggy

I'm not trying to be cool, I just don't feel the same way.

barkingmadmother · 30/08/2020 16:54

I say no to nearly all parties they are a complete pain in the arse and unless my child is good friends I can't be bothered to interrupt a previous weekend. I think most people feel like this. Also my child couldn't have given a flyer who came to his party in the past - so this is ENTIRELY about you. Who is the party for???? To be honest stop being so invested.

NeverTwerkNaked · 30/08/2020 16:54

@latticechaos the mum's I knew who had got upset were the ones with very little spare money who had really stretched themselves to give their child a party

Stinkyjellycat · 30/08/2020 16:57

I get annoyed with people who turn up with siblings without letting you know in advance. We hired soft play for a party sand it says on the I visit on that siblings have to play full price (and every other party invitation with received has said the same). I had two parents turn up with much older siblings (third birthday party and the kids were 9/10) who then proceeded take part on the group activities, eat the food and took a party bag and cake which meant I didn’t have enough for everyone else. I don’t mind siblings coming but surely it’s polite to let people know in advance for catering etc if they plan to be involved.

latticechaos · 30/08/2020 17:00

[quote NeverTwerkNaked]@latticechaos the mum's I knew who had got upset were the ones with very little spare money who had really stretched themselves to give their child a party[/quote]
Yes, and I don't think people should stretch themselves for birthdays for this reason. Because stuff does happen.

I wouldn't cancel for nothing but I have cancelled in my life, for good reason, but I wouldn't feel I had to explain, just apologise.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/08/2020 17:00

Again siblings were never a thing in the 90s. I can't think of anything more tedious than being dragged to a younger siblings party. When the hell did this become normal?

locked2020 · 30/08/2020 17:15

It's poor form unless illness etc. Some parties have a limit on numbers which is annoying when people cancel. I find bringing uninvited siblings to parties worse though.

RaraRachael · 30/08/2020 17:21

I organised a party for my son who was 6 at a local venue, paid for food and entertainment for x amount of kids whose parents had all said they were coming.
Afternoon of party, one appeared at venue and said she'd asked her daughter if she wanted to go horse-riding or the party and she'd chosen horses - tossed a parcel at my son and left.
Another phoned to say her son was sick, was in bed and wouldn't be coming. As we felt sorry for him, we went round with a party bag - there was child as right as rain playing on his bike with his cousins.
My son was so upset and asked why his "friends" would do that. I couldn't give him an answer. I don't think he ever had a party after that Sad

2Kidsinatrenchcoat · 30/08/2020 17:22

It’s rude but it seems to happen every time, and you get the ones who just don’t show up and ones who don’t even acknowledge the invite. I always make an effort to reply even if my kids can’t go.

Only time I’ve ever cancelled at the last minute was when I was in labour!

FindingNeverland1 · 30/08/2020 17:35

YANBU. It is rude.

I also find it rude when parents bring siblings along without asking in advance. So you have to sometimes pay the additional for the activity. Or at least provide extra food etc (not easy if you have ordered hot food or done lunch boxes).

Also can't stand chasing for an RSVP.
DC's last bday, I gave an RSVP by date and didn't take on anyone on that rsvp after that date. I booked and paid for everyone and that was it. One mum at the school was a bit unpleasant about it but I couldn't have cared less.

Minimumstandard · 30/08/2020 17:42

Like many people, we reciprocate. So if someone has attended our party, we'll make a real effort to go to theirs if we can. If someone hasn't come, we'll be less fussed about theirs and for no shows, we simply wouldn't bother if they had a party (but we'd RSVP no because it's just rude not to). So if you think it's ok to simply not show up or cancel at short notice, I'm assuming you're also ok with people doing the same at your kids' parties or simply not inviting them?

ivfdreaming · 30/08/2020 17:58

I haven't arranged a party for DD yet - the joys of that to come I'm sure! But have been in invited to a few and even if DD has been in a foul mood refusing to go I've made her as it's absolutely Bad manners to not turn up/cancel last minute without a genuine reason

On another note though - not a single Thankyou note or text or WhatsApp from the parent on behalf of the child for their present though and it's starting to really piss me off!!

ddl1 · 30/08/2020 18:07

I think the OP was talking about people who just find something better to do at the last minute. Which I do think is rude. Not people who have mental health or memory issues.

Alloftheboys · 30/08/2020 18:12

Had a parent reply to say they were coming who didn’t turn up on the day.
They texted me an hour after the party started (I didn’t see message as was busy) to ask which one of the chain it was.
Checked later and the next closest one of the chain was 50 miles away?!

Alloftheboys · 30/08/2020 18:13

Should have said the party was about 5 miles away from where we all lived.

WeAllHaveWings · 30/08/2020 22:20

@Thisismytimetoshine
Hedging your bets until the last moment to see if anything more interesting presents itself is bloody rude too... How can you not see that?

realistic parents, where we are anyway, don't expect rsvps until the week before for numbers. If its yet another party at the local community centre/soft play for a classmate they barely talk to, yes there are other things that might come later and take priority. If it was a birthday that was a day out with close friends that would be different.

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