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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it’s poor form to bail on a child’s party at the last minute?

196 replies

Pl242 · 30/08/2020 09:26

I’m really intrigued as to people’s views on this. It has happened several times to me when I’ve arranged a party for my children. I’ll get a message on the morning to say that little Timmy won’t be able to come after all. And not for an understandable reason such as the family having come down with a D&V bug overnight but just that they now have other plans/something has come up/they’ve realised they are double booked etc.

I find this really hard to understand and it makes me cross, particularly on behalf of my child who will be disappointed. But also for myself who has just wrapped up a pass the parcel for the right number of guests, bought food, paid a deposit for final numbers etc!

I know it annoys me as I wouldn’t do it to someone else but if you think it’s not unreasonable to do this, then why? I assume people who do this wouldn’t care if anyone cancelled on them last minute? Do people who do this just not like to be constrained by plans and just want to be constantly spontaneous etc? Genuinely curious.

OP posts:
TulipsAndLilacs · 30/08/2020 12:18

I found when mine were kids' party age, that the people who behaved inconsiderately, eg. Not replying and then turning up with uninvited siblings (who expected to be fed and have a party bag) were people who never did parties for their own kids. So had no experience of being on the receiving end of inconsiderate behaviour

TulipsAndLilacs · 30/08/2020 12:20

Just remembered this news story about someone invoicing a no show Grin
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cornwall-30876360

rayoflightboy · 30/08/2020 12:21

It's very rude just not to turn up.
I've had parties where I didn't have money for presents,I just explained it.They said no problem and I just got the child something when I could.

@CarrotCakeCrumbs I think you're the person the op means.If you doublebook often then you n ed to manage yourself better.Blush is not a good enough excuse.

Minimumstandard · 30/08/2020 12:31

I'd never expect all attending children to bring a gift. We've always said "just a card or nothing fine" on invites. I think when DS is older, we'll have a two strikes and out policy...Two no shows or failure to RSVP and we'll stop inviting the child. Yes, they don't owe us a response or to turn up, but we don't owe them an invite either and it upsets the birthday child if people don't turn up and they think they're coming.

karala · 30/08/2020 12:32

@ScrapThatThen

I think we used to be much more bound by social expectations of etiquette and good form. Now that stuffiness has broken down but has made people self-centred and flaky.
this ^
SentientAndCognisant · 30/08/2020 12:34

Precovid yes I’ve had this.booked and paid for a party, then last minute cancellation or no show
Always repeat offenders, until I stopped inviting them as they habitually no show
On the up side we have attended parties at last minute when there’s a no show vacancy

Sailingblue · 30/08/2020 12:34

Some people are just flakey. I had one family let me know the morning of my wedding they weren’t coming. Pretty sure they just forgot or couldn’t be arsed. I suspect they are equally flakey in their general life. Most people like that just stop getting invitations.

SentientAndCognisant · 30/08/2020 12:39

It’s a mix of flaky and self centred
There’s a school WAG who always cancelled or Dna invites
Then when she arranged an expensive party most folk reciprocated and they Dna, or cancelled

Longwhiskers14 · 30/08/2020 12:42

I'm more bothered by the parents who turn up with uninvited siblings and try to palm them off. I once had a kid turn up at a soft play party for my then seven-year-old with his 11-year-old cousin in tow! Parent left them at the entrance then scarpered. I was furious as I had to pay for the cousin to come in and then to also feed her (place was providing hot food), but I made sure I got the money back at pick-up.

SentientAndCognisant · 30/08/2020 12:43

Ahh yes, they bring the invited child plus the siblings and try front it out

blackberryjelly · 30/08/2020 12:49

I think covid19 may have knocked the whole party thing on the head for a couple of years, and that's a good thing. When I was a kid a party was games like: dead lines, musical chairs, pass the parcel and a sandwich tea at a friend's house. No party bags, just a piece of homemade cake wrapped in a napkin, and presents were a small token. It was affordable and low stress.

Now people hire venues, order in fancy cakes, spend more on each party bag than we used to spend on the birthday present, set expectations. It's mad. I'm not badly off but I baulk at the cost of it all. I've never bailed on the day, but I've made up pretend reasons to avoid them Blush.

Yes, it's bad form to bail on the day. I've had it happen a few times. I can understand why. People have busy lives, driving somewhere and hanging around for 2 hours on a precious weekend is a bit of a waste of time. Especially if it is one of those awful 11.30-1.30pm parties that messes up the morning, the afternoon and lunch time!

Soapysoap · 30/08/2020 12:52

It's so rude, I wouldn't dream of not showing up to an event I'd RSVPd to, unless we were genuinely ill with a contagious illness.
It's such a hurtful thing to do.
I do think a lot of people lack etiquette these days.
We had it at our wedding, roughly 20 people didn't show, purely because the weather was amazing and they didn't want to be stuck inside a church when they could have been at the beach. They're not our friends anymore.

Rubbleonthedouble1 · 30/08/2020 12:52

I find it rude especially for parties when you pay per head. My DDs last one someone informed me the day before that their child wanted to play but not eat. It’s not like I could invite another child just for food! So the money was wasted. I was upset as we don’t have much money and we saved hard for the party x

Thisismytimetoshine · 30/08/2020 12:52

Yes, it's bad form to bail on the day. I've had it happen a few times. I can understand why. People have busy lives, driving somewhere and hanging around for 2 hours on a precious weekend is a bit of a waste of time. Especially if it is one of those awful 11.30-1.30pm parties that messes up the morning, the afternoon and lunch time!
It's fair enough not to want to waste your weekend on a middle of the day party. But why not just decline the invitation? You already know the time, there's no excuse to "bail on the day" whatsoever.

YreneTowers · 30/08/2020 13:04

I was once in a position where my child had what he thought was a better offer. The party was on Halloween, and we ran into other friends at the shop that morning who asked were we going trick-or-treating - sorry, no, we are going to a birthday party, and trick-or-treating will be over by the time the party finishes.

My 5 yr old was devastated at the thought of missing trick-or-treating, but I assured him that a Halloween themed party would be just as good, got him into is costume and off we went.

He. Kicked. Off.

We had to leave the party as he would have ruined it if I'd tried to jolly him along.

With hindsight, I should probably have bailed on the party with a lame excuse and dealt with the tantrum at not going trick-or-treating at home where it wouldn't have impacted anyone else!

Minimumstandard · 30/08/2020 13:07

I don't mind someone RSVP'ing no because they've got better things to do as a family... Instead, I'd just invite another child who might enjoy it. But these activities are not cheap and it's so wasteful to have spaces going free which could be reallocated to other children who maybe the treat would mean something to.

SentientAndCognisant · 30/08/2020 13:07

The kicker is these parties are expensive and prepaid
So when an invitation is Dna or declined last minute it literally is wasted Money
Unless one has a sure bet attendee who’ll turn up on short notice

SnuggyBuggy · 30/08/2020 13:10

@YreneTowers

I was once in a position where my child had what he thought was a better offer. The party was on Halloween, and we ran into other friends at the shop that morning who asked were we going trick-or-treating - sorry, no, we are going to a birthday party, and trick-or-treating will be over by the time the party finishes.

My 5 yr old was devastated at the thought of missing trick-or-treating, but I assured him that a Halloween themed party would be just as good, got him into is costume and off we went.

He. Kicked. Off.

We had to leave the party as he would have ruined it if I'd tried to jolly him along.

With hindsight, I should probably have bailed on the party with a lame excuse and dealt with the tantrum at not going trick-or-treating at home where it wouldn't have impacted anyone else!

In the long wrong you did the right thing. Kids need to be taught about keeping commitments.
MulticolourMophead · 30/08/2020 13:11

Most people have smart phones these days, and that means calendars.

Double booking isn't an excuse. If you have an invite, put it in the calendar there and then, same with any other activity. If it's all on the calendar, then you'll see any conflicts straight away, and you can manage them in plenty of time, without being rude or upsetting the birthday child with a no show.

The last class party I did for DS, nearly half didn't turn up. Mostly because it was the first Saturday at half term, and many had buggered off for holidays without bothering to let me know. I took so much food home (wasn't wasted, though, I invited family round for tea and we had a laugh).

Next year, DS actually asked for his closest 3 friends for a sleepover, and that was the format every year til he and his friends decided a cinema trip and McDonalds was a great time and could take themselves off.

Also had an uninvited sibling once, but that was okay, DS liked that sibling and was fine about it.

ddl1 · 30/08/2020 13:15

Yes, unless there's a good reason like illness, that is definitely rude and inconsiderate.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 30/08/2020 13:16

Yanbu one of my dd’s closet friends parents have never fetched her to dd’s birthday party or their other close friend, or the Halloween party we have, or any other child in the class party, but I feel I can’t not invite the child when her and dd are so close and are in the same class, she doesn't even message to say she isn’t coming she just doesn’t turn up, I went out of my way one year I texted was she coming half hour before party and mum replied no mum was pregnant and having a bad day with her back was the reason I was given so I offered to pick the child up and drop her back but the mum said no, My child is only a little bothered by it but I can see how disappointed this other child is when we see her next it’s all over her face Whenever theirs been a birthday party, I also agree with the other children in tow and parents scarper it’s happened with us twice too don’t mind when you know they are fetching them it’s the just turning up with them that makes me think CF

BitOfANameChange · 30/08/2020 13:17

Yes, it's bad form to bail on the day. I've had it happen a few times. I can understand why. People have busy lives, driving somewhere and hanging around for 2 hours on a precious weekend is a bit of a waste of time. Especially if it is one of those awful 11.30-1.30pm parties that messes up the morning, the afternoon and lunch time!

Given that you know the time in advance, you bailing on the day is poor manners. If you don't want to attend then tell them in advance, it's not rocket science.

Yes, it can be boring hanging around somewhere for a couple of hours, but as the parent, your DC won't have a social life and friendships if you don't facilitate it, and sometimes that means sucking up the hanging around and the messed up day.

Dominicgoings · 30/08/2020 13:17

Of course it’s rude.
And totally inconsiderate.
As is not RSVP’ing or simply not showing up or showing up without RSVP’ing.
And don’t get me started on showing up with siblings in tow.

It’s not rocket science but basic manners are in short supply.

Minimumstandard · 30/08/2020 13:21

It's rubbish for the kids who miss out because their parents can't be bothered. Birthday parties might be a parents' worst nightmare but the kids love them. I take DS to lots of places I'd rather not go because I know he'll enjoy them... parties, playdates, park, playground, city farm, aquarium, soft play (pre Covid). I can remember from my childhood that those things were a really big deal for me and I imagine it will be the same for him when he looks back on his favourite moments as an adult.

lioncitygirl · 30/08/2020 13:25

Some people are just devoid of any manners OP. I thank god this hasn’t ever happened to me or my children. Can’t imagine how sad it is for the birthday child.