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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to inadvertently host her birthday?

410 replies

Youzam · 28/08/2020 14:04

This potentially won’t be an issue this year due to the pandemic, but my mum hints strongly every year that she and her husband would like an invite to ours for Christmas. Every year it starts around this time, she started last week saying “it would be SO lovely to all be together. I would love to share a proper Christmas dinner together. Your house is the perfect size for us all” and on and on. She hasn’t directly asked and I just vaguely agree that hI would be nice but don’t actually invite her. Here’s the thing, they live a long drive away and always expect to stay in our house for a few days. I love her a lot but her husband is just... exhausting. It’s his birthday on Christmas Day and he fully expects a fuss (cake, presents, singing, banners). Growing up, half the day always had to be about him and I always hated it. They go to his daughter’s house usually and she goes all out and my mum has said the one year she didn’t do it he sulked all day. I really don’t want to spend half the day celebrating his birthday!!!! AIBU?

OP posts:
UnfinishedSymphon · 28/08/2020 14:10

So say no?

Lilybet1980 · 28/08/2020 14:11

Are people with a Christmas Day birthday not allowed to celebrate? Of course he’s allowed to want a fuss, he’s had to share his birthday with Christmas his whole life. I bet when he was a kid his birthday didn’t get a look in and that’s why it’s so important to him now.

Original poster
Youzam · 28/08/2020 14:14

@UnfinishedSymphon I’ve never hosted them for Christmas, just wondering if others would.

@Lilybet1980 I just find it a bit pathetic really. I don’t celebrate my birthday in the actual day if it’s midweek, I just pick a weekend day near and celebrate then. Most adults can cope with that. Why can’t he just celebrate on any of the countless days we’re all sat around between Christmas and New Year? It spoils the day for everyone else making it all about him.

OP posts:
GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 28/08/2020 14:14

You actually sound horrible ! Of course he wants to celebrate his bday ?!!
Your poor mum, so you’ve never spent Christmas Day with her as an adult ?
Could you not just do a bday cake after Christmas dinner for the dessert and give him a present in bday paper then too?

WorraLiberty · 28/08/2020 14:15

I don't think it'd hurt once in a blue moon, especially considering all the nice Christmases they probably gave you throughout the years.

But if you really don't want to then stick to your guns.

Original poster
Youzam · 28/08/2020 14:16

@GiveMeAllTheGin8 ha ha! I’m not horrible at all but I am considering whether I would like to see mum on the day. I always see her around then, just not on the actual day. I’d love to if it didn’t mean giving up half Christmas Day to celebrate her husband.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 28/08/2020 14:17

I think you are being unreasonable and should bite the bullet and do it for the sake of family harmony

SweatyBetty20 · 28/08/2020 14:18

Sometimes we’ve got to suck it up. I had a boyfriend who’s birthday was Boxing Day and it was always a non-event because nobody could be arsed, so you should have a bit of sympathy.

How about asking them to arrive at teatime on Xmas Eve, get them both peeling and wrapping after tea, have a birthday breakfast for him after family presents, then pack them both off after breakfast on Boxing Day because “you have other stuff planned”?

rorosemary · 28/08/2020 14:20

Yeah, I wouldn't celebrate a birthday during christmas. I know it sucks but christmas is a celebration for everybody, and celebrating a birthday means that the whole day is about the birthday person. Plenty of us celebrate our birthdays the weekend before or after the actual day, I don't see why the christmas birthday has to be at christmas.

SummerHouse · 28/08/2020 14:20

I always host my family. It's a huge family, a big cost, a massive effort and a trashed house. I love it! Wouldn't have it any other way. Paraphrasing meatloaf... "I would do anything for Christmas, but I won't do that."

No sir that sounds rubbish. It might be his birthday but it's your Christmas. He sounds very tedious.

Charmatt · 28/08/2020 14:20

My Dad's birthday was on Christmas Day. We always made a fuss of him because otherwise he'd have no birthday at all. We always bought him and extra present of a pair of socks - one for Christmas and one for his birthday. His mother was called Mary and his initials were JC (Jesus Chris) and we always joked that he thought he could walk on water. I remember those years with real fondness.

My Dad died when I was 23 - 25 years ago. I wish he was still here and I wish I could celebrate his birthday with him everyday. Everyone's birthday is important - it isn't null and void just because another celebration is happening.

Newfornow · 28/08/2020 14:22

I think he is a dick to expect to come to your house and for everyone to fuss around him.
You don’t go to someone else and dictate the proceedings. That is just plain rude.
You should acknowledge him though , assuming you invite them.
As a side note, my birthday is the same as mil, I always, for decades was sidelined for and by her and her family. Never did she say ohh it’s also news birthday. People just said oh happy birthday quietly. It made me quite resentful actually.
So I Can see both sides.

lioncitygirl · 28/08/2020 14:22

I think you aren’t being horrible - but I cant help but feel it would be because (I assume) he’s not your father you don’t want to make a fuss? You refer to him as ‘her husband’ - and not my step dad, I assume he hasn’t raised you? There’s some backstory?

SantaClaritaDiet · 28/08/2020 14:23

I would expect a fuss for my birthday whatever the day to be honest, so I agree with him

BUT expecting someone to organise a party when they invited you is rude. You would be rude not to celebrate at all, of course a birthday person needs a cake!, but he should just be quietly disappointed if you didn't, not mention it at all.

SantaClaritaDiet · 28/08/2020 14:26

I wouldn't celebrate a birthday during christmas. I know it sucks but christmas is a celebration for everybody, and celebrating a birthday means that the whole day is about the birthday person.

what a horrible way to see it. Any normal family just include the birthday in the day, it's just another thing to celebrate!

Have a Christmas Eve celebration, a Christmas breakfast/lunch celebration, and a birthday diner for example. How hard can that be, and where does it take anything from anyone? Never enough reasons to party and be jolly frankly.

SnuggyBuggy · 28/08/2020 14:26

He sounds very babyish. I don't know any adults that expect that much attention on their birthday whenever it happens to fall.

Original poster
Youzam · 28/08/2020 14:27

Oh he’s definitely not my stepdad, he’s always been her husband. He lived separately to us and didn’t help raise us, no. He’s her husband and I would have them here as a couple for Christmas for my mum
of course but I just don’t want to host his birthday. He’s an adult, why shouldn’t he host his own birthday a week before or something? I would happily attend and celebrate with them. I host my own birthdays as an adult.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 28/08/2020 14:29

My birthday is eight days out from Christmas, and I'm seriously contemplating shifting celebrations of it either one month forward or one month back.

And - banners?!

Cheeseandwin5 · 28/08/2020 14:30

It seems that you just dont want your mum and her DH coming over, and are listing some ( pretty poor and transparent) excuses not to do so.
Its his birthday and you cant be bothered to get a cake and present. I can only assume if he did do it some other day you wouldn't even make the effort to wish him.
Obviously its your choice and you can do what you please, but you are not the victim in this and are coming across quite vile.

SantaClaritaDiet · 28/08/2020 14:30

if you don't want to host his birthday, do not invite him on his actual birthday. It would be weird and rude to do so, but ignore the actual birthday

Burnout101 · 28/08/2020 14:32

I'm not sure how he manages to monopolise half the day? As a PP suggested, I'd do his birthday cake as the pudding after dinner, sing happy birthday, have a banner up already among the Christmas decorations and do birthday presents with/after you've eaten cake. That's maybe an hour in total on him then move on with Christmas, not sure how he can make any more of it then?

unmarkedbythat · 28/08/2020 14:33

Yanbu. I'm a bit unsure why pp think you're being so awful. I wouldn't want half my Christmas day given over to celebrating the sort of person who sulks all day if he doesn't think enough fuss has been made of his birthday, either. And as it sounds like having to do so growing up really made Christmas a lot less fun for you, why would anyone expect you to go all out to repeat it now you're an adult?

Original poster
Youzam · 28/08/2020 14:33

@Cheeseandwin5 ha well one part of that is true, actually I wouldn’t like to buy his cake, you’re right. I do buy him a birthday gift and card every year and we visit just after with them.

OP posts:
Thehop · 28/08/2020 14:33

He sounds selfish, of my birthday was Xmas day of love the big celebrations to nearest weekend.

Don’t do it, they sound hard work

Florencex · 28/08/2020 14:34

You don’t have to do it every year, but it surely is manageable some years? Otherwise your mothers never sees you on Christmas Day ever again?

I think he is allowed to celebrate his birthday, he is an adult but maybe he had a childhood or lifetime of his birthday being forgotten and has decided that he doesn’t want that any more.

Banners are obviously ridiculous, but a cake seems reasonable.