To not want to inadvertently host her birthday?

[Youzam]

This potentially won’t be an issue this year due to the pandemic, but my mum hints strongly every year that she and her husband would like an invite to ours for Christmas. Every year it starts around this time, she started last week saying “it would be SO lovely to all be together. I would love to share a proper Christmas dinner together. Your house is the perfect size for us all” and on and on. She hasn’t directly asked and I just vaguely agree that hI would be nice but don’t actually invite her. Here’s the thing, they live a long drive away and always expect to stay in our house for a few days. I love her a lot but her husband is just... exhausting. It’s his birthday on Christmas Day and he fully expects a fuss (cake, presents, singing, banners). Growing up, half the day always had to be about him and I always hated it. They go to his daughter’s house usually and she goes all out and my mum has said the one year she didn’t do it he sulked all day. I really don’t want to spend half the day celebrating his birthday!!!! AIBU?

See her viewpoint, but no way I'd enable this man doing the donkey work to pander to him. She can do that at her own house if it means that much to her.

He sounds really self-absorbed. I share a birthday with a close relative and, as they’re only a child, the day is for them. I go to their party, make a big fuss of them and then go out with my husband for a meal at the nearest weekend. I do my presents at home away from the child’s birthday celebrations.
I’m an adult and Christmas and birthdays are primarily for children. It’s lovely to see them having a great time opening presents etc. I don’t understand why any adult would need to impose on that and make it about themselves.
He sounds pathetic.

@SantaClaritaDiet we don’t refuse to acknowledge his birthday, not sure where you got that from. We always call on the day to say happy birthday and visit just after with a present and card. I don’t want to buy him a cake, put up banners and give up half of my Christmas Day to celebrating his birthday in my own home though. There is a difference.

@DrawerOfDoom

If you're not religious, why don't you celebrate his birthday on Christmas Day and move Christmas celebrations to Boxing Day? Then he can't complain because his day isn't overshadowed by Christmas and your Christmas celebrations won't be overshadowed by his birthday.

For real? To pander to a grown man who sulks if he doesn't get bloody banners and half a day of fuss?

Why not have an open conversation with your mum. Say you'd love to see her Christmas day and would be happy to wish her husband a happy birthday and give him a gift, but you're not up for devoting half the day to him and that would make him unhappy. You could offer to either have a Christmas celebration with her a few days early or a few days late, or to see her for Christmas without a big birthday celebration for him

I agree that someone who is sulky and demanding over a birthday is more likely to be a difficult person in general.

I’m not moving my children’s Christmas Day celebrations back a day to accommodate his birthday ha ha

If I was going to try and problem solve this,
I’d invite them over for Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. Xx

He sounds exhausting. I wouldn’t want to host his birthday either.

Christmas is for the DC.

@Youzam

I’m not moving my children’s Christmas Day celebrations back a day to accommodate his birthday ha ha

Yeah, that's beyond ridiculous. Just ignore her hints. Hinting is so passive aggressive and rude. I'd have told her the truth long ago, though.

Can you invite them and give him a birthday 'slot' so say breakfast is all about him sing happy birthday his presents etc make him feel a bit special then after breakfast it's Christmas? I wouldn't go overboard with banners etc though. Don't do such a good job he'll want to come every year!

I’m assuming your mum’s husband is an 8 year old toy boy to sulk about a birthday.

YANBU OP.

He sounds a pain, demanding, even if you did a cake and sang happy birthday it wouldn't be enough, so don't bother.

Christmas is supposed to be enjoyable, and in your house it is, don't invite someone who is going to find fault as they are not the centre of attention.

I have my birthday celebrations throughout my birthday week, meal out when it's convenient for everyone, on the day itself, it would be a sing song and a cake. The idea of standing between everyone else and Christmas is just ridiculous!

I have a Christmas day birthday. My family have always made a huge fuss on the day, unprompted, because they love me and aren't arseholes. Hey ho.

I’m not sure how you would spend half the day celebrating his birthday? I just can’t imagine how it would be possible?

Surely signing Happy Birthday with a cake takes 2 minutes, maximum. It’s not like he is expecting endless games of musical chairs and pass the fucking parcel.

Would it kill you to say “Merry Christmas, oh, and Happy Birthday Brian!” when they arrive and light candles on a cake after Christmas dinner?

What is it that you think is going to take up half the day?

Stop saying that you don’t want to host his birthday, because you are not being asked to host his birthday! Your mum would like you to acknowledge his birthday whilst you are hosting Christmas, which is not unreasonable at all.

@Youzam

I’m not moving my children’s Christmas Day celebrations back a day to accommodate his birthday ha ha

Who is asking you to?

Are you seriously "celebrating Christmas" through the entire day so much that you can't serve a birthday cake and give a birthday gift to someone? How would that mean "giving up half your Christmas"?

You obviously don't like the man, you don't have to, just don't invite him and miss out on your mum, which is a shame.

I honestly would buy a birthday cake for a neighbour or a vague work colleague if they happened to be at my house that day (even Christmas Day), I genuinely cannot comprehend why anyone would be too mean to do just that.

Does HE expect YOU to host his birthday in this full-on way?
I can see he might expect his daughter to do so but perhaps not your family.

You could invite them to attend your Christmas (and sketch out how it will be celebrated in the usual way for everyone) .

Then ask your Mum if SHE is doing anything for his birthday. (Perhaps she intends to bring a cake and present to be offered to him at tea-time or perhaps she is taking him out for the eve on Christmas day etc. ?)

Of course you can acknolwedge his birthday with card and present but encourage (insist on) her taking responsibillty for anything extra.

Assume that this is not your business.

My sil has her birthday on Xmas day and they spend half the day celebrating Christmas and half her birthday. As pp mentioned why should his birthday not get celebrated.

It’s not like he’s demanding you rip the Christmas tree down so you can sing happy birthday, he wants a cake, a couple of balloons and someone to acknowledge his birthday. Can’t blame him. You still get to do the turkey/Christmas pud, but get an extra excuse to stuff yourself full of birthday cake. Personally I think your being unfair on your mum. It also sounds like her husband has been around since you were younger, it’s not some random bloke she’s dragging along.

My family have always made a huge fuss on the day, unprompted, because they love me and aren't arseholes.

Maybe they love you because you're not a petulant arsehole?

@Lilybet1980

Are people with a Christmas Day birthday not allowed to celebrate? Of course he’s allowed to want a fuss, he’s had to share his birthday with Christmas his whole life. I bet when he was a kid his birthday didn’t get a look in and that’s why it’s so important to him now.

He's a grown man. Must be at least in his 40s. He can do what he likes, but of course the adult daughter of his wife doesn't want to facilitate it and is going to focus on enjoying a family Christmas instead. If his birthday never got a look in when he was a kid, that was the fault of his parents. OP has no obligation to facilitate it.

That being said, I'd have an honest chat with your mum about it OP.

I completely see your point, given that you aren’t close to him. I wouldn’t expect someone that I wasn’t very close with to host my birthday party!

I think it would be very awkward for everyone!

I’d offer to host a big Christmas meal another day near Christmas.

I’m guessing OP, like most women, spends a lot of time and money on her children’s Christmas. I wouldn’t want to make them share it with granny’s husband’s birthday that I didn’t particularly like either.

*My family have always made a huge fuss on the day, unprompted, because they love me and aren't arseholes.

Maybe they love you because you're not a petulant arsehole?*

True, not always anyway

The thing is, it is shit having an xmas day birthday. I don't blame him for wanting a bit of a fuss. As other posters have said, I can't see how it could possibly ruin Christmas to sing happy birthday and have a cake after dinner. Maybe I'm missing something.

In our house (well, before we had kids anyway), we do my birthday cards first upstairs and then go down for presents. We do xmas first then my birthday presents separately. Balloons etc optional, singing and candles mandatory. It's not that big a deal to do that, surely?

If he sounded nice and reasonable, I'd say invite them on the proviso that you celebrate his birthday on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day is for everyone, but you could pop a candle in the pudding and he could have extra presents or whatever. But it doesn't sound like he would be happy with that, or I'm sure you'd have suggested it! Sad that you never get to host your mum though. If you suggested it now would he be over his sulk by Christmas?! He's got about four months to get over it