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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to inadvertently host her birthday?

410 replies

Youzam · 28/08/2020 14:04

This potentially won’t be an issue this year due to the pandemic, but my mum hints strongly every year that she and her husband would like an invite to ours for Christmas. Every year it starts around this time, she started last week saying “it would be SO lovely to all be together. I would love to share a proper Christmas dinner together. Your house is the perfect size for us all” and on and on. She hasn’t directly asked and I just vaguely agree that hI would be nice but don’t actually invite her. Here’s the thing, they live a long drive away and always expect to stay in our house for a few days. I love her a lot but her husband is just... exhausting. It’s his birthday on Christmas Day and he fully expects a fuss (cake, presents, singing, banners). Growing up, half the day always had to be about him and I always hated it. They go to his daughter’s house usually and she goes all out and my mum has said the one year she didn’t do it he sulked all day. I really don’t want to spend half the day celebrating his birthday!!!! AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 30/08/2020 13:15

I'd actually be quite cross with my mum if I were you - she's imposed this twat on you and allowed him to ruin your childhood. It's her own fault that you don't want them in your house at Christmas, wrecking it for your kids. I think it's time for a frank and honest discussion with your mum.
You owe him nothing - I'd not be indulging him at all. I think you're doing well to even get him a card and present!

Alwaysoutofreach · 30/08/2020 13:22

Id tell your mum that you are happy to host Christmas, but Christmas im your household is about the children and you will not entertain any birthday celebrations, other than maybe a raise of glasses for mums husbands birthday at a push, if they both agree to that, then your happy to host, if they cannot, then unfortunately you have to decline and celebrate xmas without them.

I would not put someone's birthday over Christmas for my children (unless it was a child) they are only little for a few years, the magic of Christmas can only be super magical for a few short years, then its different.

Horrible situation, but I think you just have to be upfront about it.

MulticolourMophead · 30/08/2020 13:48

@ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore

I would be blunt.

'Mum, you let him ruin all our Christmases as children. All of them. He never gave two shits about any of us, but you still let him ruin all our Christmases because they had to be about him. He didn't even fucking live with us, but you still let him come in on Christmas day and ruin everything every single year. I'll be damned if I'll let him do that to my children's Christmases. You can come if you like, but he is not welcome. He can ruin his own daughter's Christmas."

I agree with this, as it's more than just a pressie, card and cake thing that he wants. Even my Xmas-born friend wouldn't want more than that as it then takes over the whole day, effectively.
JazzaGal · 30/08/2020 13:49

YANBU
I would say " it would be good to get together over Christmas, but not Christmas day."

At this stage in my life, I put as much effort into the birthday for adults as they do to mine. One of my ILs likes a big celebration but make zero effort for anyone else. I'm over it, no fear obligation or guilt here I leave presents and cards to my OH.

Christmas and birthdays are really important in our house. It's really very sad that you DM took over your childhood Christmas day for this nonsense. I simply wouldnt go all out in this circumstance in any day, never mind Xmas This is tough because it will feel judgemental towards your mum.

If a child had a birthday I would do balloons and a cake, but not for an adult. I probably make a fuss when they arrived and include a cake with tea. if he wants all out he should (a) organise it himself (on a different day) or (2) go to his DDs.

Commonwasher · 30/08/2020 16:29

I feel for your Mum as all her Christmases are hijacked by her husband playing the ‘birthday boy card’, either at their home or at his daughters’s. Of course she would like to have Christmas Day with you once in a while.

Your FIL sounds like an arse though... I know people like him, with the lists, pedantic obsession with presents and being fussed over. Does my head in and there is no changing them.

I can only suggest that, for the sake of your Mum, you invite them as a one off. But say Christmas dinner is at 5pm so they can come at 3 for drinks and nibbles. You will have had the morning and brunch with the kids and lots of time to open presents and spend time without him , then you can give FIL his birthday fuss (balloons and a gift) over a bottle of fizz while excusing yourself to baste the Turkey when he takes fifteen minutes to open a bar of soap. And put sparklers in a cake for pudding and sing happy birthday.

He can only ruin half the day that way, although if he makes a point about drinks, balloons, presents and a cake/pud being insufficient fuss, he deserves not to receive any birthday gifts ever again.

I think if they said ‘oh but we want to come for lunch at noon’ you would be within your rights to explain that while you would love to see your mum at christmas, you simply won’t inflict the birthday charade on your whole family for the entire day.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/08/2020 19:06

"I can only suggest that, for the sake of your Mum, you invite them as a one off. But say Christmas dinner is at 5pm so they can come at 3 for drinks and nibbles."

That could have been a solution Commonwasher except that OP wrote "Here’s the thing, they live a long drive away and always expect to stay in our house for a few days."

And even if you could somehow pull that off, given that he is given to sulking when he doesn't get exactly what he wants I'm pretty sure he would ruin the atmosphere for the whole day.

OP's mother made her choice with OP's childhood Christmases. Personally I'd explain to her that an invite would NEVER be extended to the pair of them over Christmas and why, and let her reassess her future choices.

Sunnyrainshowers · 30/08/2020 19:52

My birthday is on Christmas Day and even as a child I didn't expect a big fuss on the actual day. My parents gave me an extra present, sang happy birthday and then we got on with Christmas Day.

I would give short shrift to anyone trying to hijack my Christmas day. Celebrate the birthday properly the week before or after, and that is enough. Your mother needs to be told that if she wants to spend Christmas with you, then that is what her husband should expect.

DreamTheMoors · 31/08/2020 02:01

@Youzam

How is it that your mum came to marry a nine year old?

DreamTheMoors · 31/08/2020 02:54

We haven’t discussed birthday gifts, @Youzam.

Might I suggest a nice Donald Trump or Yoda Chia Pet? To let Mum’s husband know just how much you truly care, of course.

Coffeecak3 · 31/08/2020 03:47

If you do have them over be sure to say happy birthday to sf and Jesus of course.
Mention Jesus at every opportunity after all it's his birthday too.
Let sf open a present then say now it's dc turn, Jesus particularly wanted to give dc this gift on his birthday.

Sf can't really deny the whole point of Christmas being to celebrate Jesus birthday.

winniestone37 · 31/08/2020 10:52

You can do it once surely??? But yes he’s a grown man it’s not his day, if he wants a party celebrate it on another day- the rest of us often have to.

MulticolourMophead · 31/08/2020 14:08

@winniestone37

You can do it once surely??? But yes he’s a grown man it’s not his day, if he wants a party celebrate it on another day- the rest of us often have to.
OP's already done it a number of times, given that her DM pandered to this man while they were growing up. She knows what he's like and doesn't want it happening again.
PiataMaiNei · 31/08/2020 15:07

No doubt OP can, but the question is why? I would be very reluctant to allow even one of my children's Christmases to be shat all over like OPs were.

Yesterdayforgotten · 31/08/2020 15:11

Can he not celebrate his birthday Christmas eve then that way he still has it but at the same time nobody including him don't miss out on Christmas day? If I was in his shoes I'd want to celebrate a day early.

Yesterdayforgotten · 31/08/2020 15:12

I also don't understand why a few cards in the morning and a happy birthday isnt enough,.he is a grown man and sounds childish.

Notfeelinggreattoday · 31/08/2020 15:16

How are you hosting a birthday ? If they are there for xmas anyway.
You just bit a birthday card and cake and maybe put a banner up not much effort really . Cake can be bought instead if extra pudding etc or to have in evening
For some people birthdays are special and surely your mum could buy the cake , banner etc , its not much extra work if they are there anyway

Notfeelinggreattoday · 31/08/2020 15:20

My mum birthday is couple days before xmas and we always try and celebrate it , its not her fault when she was born
You are moaning about hosting a birthday when really all it is on top if xmas day is buying a birthday cake for a tenner and a banner not exactly a big deal
Ive bought a cake for a friend who has popped over near there birthday before

Notfeelinggreattoday · 31/08/2020 15:23

Lets hope you never have any dc who happen to be born on xmas day some of you as they will ruin your xmas

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 31/08/2020 15:27

Have you read the thread @Notfeelinggreattoday? The issue is that this man-child won’t accept a cake and a banner, he wants the whole day to revolve around him or he deliberately sulks and ruins it for everyone. If he was a reasonable adult and happy with a cake and an extra present then there wouldn’t be an issue!

FlyingPandas · 31/08/2020 15:29

He sounds insufferable OP.

Any adult who expects that kind of fuss made over a birthday is pathetic. Dominating Christmas Day like that is doubly pathetic.

FWIW we have a young family member with a Christmas Day birthday and when we are hosting we always make a point of trying to make their birthday special - a birthday cake that is very definitely about that child and their interests, nothing remotely Christmassy, for example, and separate birthday gifts wrapped in birthday paper - but even at 10 years old they would not dream of throwing a tantrum about making sure half the day is 'about them'. Why an adult man finds that so difficult is beyond me!

Notfeelinggreattoday · 31/08/2020 16:59

@CoffeeWithMyOxygen did you also read the op said she wouldnt want to even buy a cake and that his daughter goes all out with a banner , cake and presents so depends what you read into it

unmarkedbythat · 31/08/2020 17:01

@Notfeelinggreattoday have you read all the op's posts in the thread?

Notfeelinggreattoday · 31/08/2020 17:06

@unmarkedbythat i am also commenting on others who are saying he shouldn't expect a cake or present and should move to another day
Surely its simple you say to your mum you can come for xmas and we will have a cake and presents for your dh but it will bot be a half day event but an acknowledgment for his birthday but mostly about xmas so
She can decide and tell her dh before if hes nit happy with that then they won't come

Notfeelinggreattoday · 31/08/2020 17:09

@unmarkedbythat i have also read where op says she does not want yo celebrate his birthday on xmas fay and he should pick another day

mbosnz · 31/08/2020 17:12

If I had a child that had their birthday on Christmas Day, that would be very different.

As opposed to having an insufferable arse of an adult male who didn't even live with us, who took over at least half, sometimes the whole, of our family's Christmas Day, and my mother was complicit in that.

However, as a mid-December child, as an adult, I'd very happily celebrate my birthday earlier or later, and no way in hell would I contemplate performing in such a narcissistic way as this twat, nor enabling it, nor imposing it on my children.