To not want to inadvertently host her birthday?

[Youzam]

This potentially won’t be an issue this year due to the pandemic, but my mum hints strongly every year that she and her husband would like an invite to ours for Christmas. Every year it starts around this time, she started last week saying “it would be SO lovely to all be together. I would love to share a proper Christmas dinner together. Your house is the perfect size for us all” and on and on. She hasn’t directly asked and I just vaguely agree that hI would be nice but don’t actually invite her. Here’s the thing, they live a long drive away and always expect to stay in our house for a few days. I love her a lot but her husband is just... exhausting. It’s his birthday on Christmas Day and he fully expects a fuss (cake, presents, singing, banners). Growing up, half the day always had to be about him and I always hated it. They go to his daughter’s house usually and she goes all out and my mum has said the one year she didn’t do it he sulked all day. I really don’t want to spend half the day celebrating his birthday!!!! AIBU?

Someone has asked for opinions my opinion is that Op is being unreasonable on not wishing to accommodate his birthday at all and expecting him to move it because she would , but it would also not be reasonable for him to expect half a day to be dedicated to his birthday .
I also think OP relationship with her mums dh is relevevant if he was a great guy who she got on with i am sure it may be different .

Its for your mother to do something for his birthday, not you. I'd make clear that you won't be doing anything huge to celebrate his birthday.

As an aside, I have an aunt and a cousin with a Christmas birthday and we make a fuss of giving them their presents then get on with Christmas celebrations. I'm not aware of it ever being an issue, but neither are spoiled princesses.

Also i thought op said he never lived with them when she was a child and most of us are commenting on original post so maybe more content should of been put on that , we don't all have time to read 600 + posts

I think it's unreasonable to expect your Christmas hosts to host your birthday. It's for his wife to sort his birthday out. I'd say happy birthday to him, give him a bottle of something to acknowledge it, but he'd been invited to share in our Christmas celebrations, not to hi-jack it into his birthday party. I'd assume that his wife would have celebrated that prior to them coming. He's her husband, not any sort of family to the OP, who for some reason, can't stand the man. . . (I think it might have something to do with Christmases past, though. . .)

Also i thought op said he never lived with them when she was a child and most of us are commenting on original post so maybe more content should of been put on that , we don't all have time to read 600 + posts

There's a nifty little feature now, on OP's OP, where you can click on 'see all', and narrow it down a bit. . .

So say to your mum if you host your hosting Christmas not birthday celebrations. Yes he will get a card and present for his birthday but no there will not be banners etc. Yes you can pull out a birthday cake but no your not turning Christmas day into his day it's about the kids etc assuming you have them. Tell her if they are both OK with this your willing to host but if he is going to spit his dummy out over the day not focusing on him you feel it's best to stay as things usually are.

@mbosnz not on mobile app i dont have that feature
And my opinion after reading a lot still remains to not acknowledge at all and expect people to pick another day if they don't want to is unreasonable
But agree a cake , present and happy birthday is also enough and maybe done later in the day after lunch is reasonable and if he expects more then don't come , but wouldn't agree to no acknowledgement what so ever , if he had any sense he would accept present , cake on xmas day and a bigger celebration another day as would be even more fuss

Nope, I wouldn't do a cake. Cake is for birthday party. It's up to his good lady to sort out his birthday celebrations. He's being kindly invited to share in another family's Christmas celebrations. So yes, a card, a bottle of something, 'Happy Birthday Brian, hope you've had a good one, mulled wine or egg nog', and that would be the absolute sum of oxygen given to Brian's birthday. If he's not happy with that, then he's more than welcome to do the other thing.

That's acknowledgement, it's his choice whether or not he can cope with such a lack of space and airtime on the day, and it's his choice whether or not to move it to another day. But it's also OP's choice not to allow him to hijack half or more of her family's Christmas day, and with a very ill and entitled grace.

Again, there's no relationship between OP and Brian, he's her mother's husband, he didn't live with them, and made no effort to form a positive relationship with her. There is no obligation to continue her mother's work in pandering to Brian's birthday diktats.

(Sorry, didn't realise that about mobile app).

Next time your mum hints, just say "We'd love to have you both, but these Christmases while the kids are young are really special and we don't want to give up half the day for X's birthday. Why don't we go for a meal on a different day to celebrate him, and then have Christmas day at ours."

You have a mother problem. She put having company above her own children's happiness. She allowed a man who didnt live with you and didn't raise you to essentially steal your childhood Christmases and make them about him.

Yes he's an arse to make it all about him and sulk if it wasnt entirely to his liking, but she is a bigger arse for letting him. If his sulking was so palpably awful that he even made your mother cry then she clearly realised it was impacting her kids. She put her need for male company above her kids needs.

All well and good, some parents do put all sorts of things before their kids (my mother put every boyfriend's needs first) however you shouldn't feel guilty about not tolerating his birthday nonsense or about telling her to no longer hint for an invitation.

You're giving your kids the special fun filled Christmas that she didn't afford you. Be proud of that. Ignore all the posters saying but think of your mum, because she clearly didn't think about you very much.