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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to inadvertently host her birthday?

410 replies

Youzam · 28/08/2020 14:04

This potentially won’t be an issue this year due to the pandemic, but my mum hints strongly every year that she and her husband would like an invite to ours for Christmas. Every year it starts around this time, she started last week saying “it would be SO lovely to all be together. I would love to share a proper Christmas dinner together. Your house is the perfect size for us all” and on and on. She hasn’t directly asked and I just vaguely agree that hI would be nice but don’t actually invite her. Here’s the thing, they live a long drive away and always expect to stay in our house for a few days. I love her a lot but her husband is just... exhausting. It’s his birthday on Christmas Day and he fully expects a fuss (cake, presents, singing, banners). Growing up, half the day always had to be about him and I always hated it. They go to his daughter’s house usually and she goes all out and my mum has said the one year she didn’t do it he sulked all day. I really don’t want to spend half the day celebrating his birthday!!!! AIBU?

OP posts:
workhomesleeprepeat · 28/08/2020 15:22

I am agog that people think you are being unreasonable!

What kind of man baby needs a whole party for himself on Xmas day?? Maybe a little cake and some singing happy birthday...but a whole decorated party?? YANBU op.

And I say this as someone with a birthday around Xmas time that people forget all the time. I arrange a nice dinner or get together when people are free before or after the date. Because I am a grown up.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 28/08/2020 15:22

Are you seriously "celebrating Christmas" through the entire day so much that you can't serve a birthday cake and give a birthday gift to someone? How would that mean "giving up half your Christmas"? confused

He wants more than that. She's said that multiple times.

HelloSunshine11 · 28/08/2020 15:23

It reads more to me that you have a dislike for him and don't want to go out of your way for him tbh OP.

WutheringTights · 28/08/2020 15:24

If I were him I'd have moved my birthday to Boxing Day years ago. Perhaps offer that and see what they say. If he sulks then never invite them again.

mbosnz · 28/08/2020 15:25

While my birthday isn't on Christmas Day, it's 8 days out, and that's bad enough! I mean, Christmas is a seriously big deal in our house, a lot of full on prep, and yes, the rituals, traditions (and food, far too much food) take up all the oxygen in the room on the day. I would genuinely hate to have to try and shoe-horn a birthday in as well. I admire those families that do, but for me, I'd be shifting my celebration to another day, as an adult, rather than expecting other people to host me for Christmas, and to also fit my birthday celebrations in.

And I'm buggered if I'd be prepared to do that for someone I didn't like very much and who would sulk and carry on if he didn't get his way.

whatsthatnow74 · 28/08/2020 15:26

I’m with you, OP. The whole thing with grown adults being really demanding around birthdays is so annoying. I’m lucky in that no one in my family is like that, but I see it on people’s Facebook feeds, such a fuss!
Yes, everyone is entitled to enjoy their birthday and I’m sure you would make some small concession, but definitely shouldn’t take over a family event like Christmas.

FilthyforFirth · 28/08/2020 15:28

Can't believe some of these responses. Of course you are not being unreasonable. In the slightest. Why should your children have to lose their Christmas?

Harsh as it is for people born on Christmas day I do think they should pick another day to celebrate. Christmas is for everyone.

I would not do this.

SantaClaritaDiet · 28/08/2020 15:30

@upsidedownwavylegs

I’m guessing OP, like most women, spends a lot of time and money on her children’s Christmas. I wouldn’t want to make them share it with granny’s husband’s birthday that I didn’t particularly like either.
I assume you meant "parent" not woman...

each to their own. My kids would just jump at the idea of "birthday cake" even after having eaten their body weight in Christmas chocolate

the whole idea of Christmas is about sharing anyway, but the cake would be their main interest!

timeisnotaline · 28/08/2020 15:31

I’d invite them, ask mum to bring a cake, no banner (its never crossed my mind to put a banner up for an adults birthday unless it’s a milestone with a big bash), have happy birthday and cake after Christmas lunch and that’s his half hour. Then I’d cheerfully ignore all sulking because I’ve treated him like a reasonable adult. That’s all he can expect really.

Original poster
Youzam · 28/08/2020 15:32

Yes it really is half a day! When we were kids I remember him lining up all his presents (he always asks for lots and lots of small individual items such as bathing products, CDs, books etc) he tells us he wants them individually wrapped in birthday poet so he gets to open them one by one. It is mind numbing you dull to have to sit there and watch him open each one slowly, teasing the paper at the speed of a snail on purpose. He then would pass each item along and we had to pass comment on it. We weren’t allowed to play with our new Christmas toys during the whole charade and I hated it. He sulks really badly if he doesn’t get exactly what he wants for his birthday too. Honestly, I don’t think I do really like him, certainly not enough to willingly do that on my own Christmas Day with my own kids.

OP posts:
ememem84 · 28/08/2020 15:34

Coincidentally when we got married three guests had birthdays on the wedding day and (and one the day after but they flew in from nz so we’re still on nz time so we celebrated all 3 at the same time). We had cakes brought out for them sang happy birthday and had gifts (from dh and I) for them.

I’d do similar if someone was at my house for Christmas and it also happened to be their birthday.

PiataMaiNei · 28/08/2020 15:34

Same re banners for adults. If it's the big 6-0 or whatever then yes of course. But otherwise, if it's not a big birthday then I wouldn't expect to be putting banners up for an adult's birthday whatever day of the year it was.

mbosnz · 28/08/2020 15:34

Oh crikey. No, that must have been excruciating. He's very 1-2-3, it's all about me, isn't he?

OVienna · 28/08/2020 15:35

I voted YANBU.

That said some food for thought:

My SIL has a Christmas Day birthday. I recognise it's not fun for the person in this situation. I struggled to sympathise because I share a birthday with my mum so it's never been 'just my day' ever. My reaction back in mists of time was initally, fuck if I'm losing ANOTHER celebration day to someone else's 'big day.' They did the half day to her, half day to Christmas thing growing up. As it transpires, we have not spent Xmas together for various reasons although I would now like to.

I am not much into my birthday (struggle to articulate what I want to do) possibly as a consequence of sharing one with a person who was very demanding about getting things right for her and took it for granted that what she wanted to do I'd find equally special. I have a very, very low threshold now for adults how make a huge thing about their birthdays especially those who don't mind inconveniencing others, overall.

I think it is possible that your father in law had a different psychological reaction growing up - did he have siblings who were fussed over on their days and had to learn to fight tooth and nail for recognition? Is this is inner child screaming for recognition!!! Heavy thoughts for a Friday afternoon. Wink

I have come full circle and now hate the Christmas Nazis where everything has to be just so and a massive, aggro inducing deal. I'd love an excuse to carve out part of the day for a birthday with cake and champagne. But that's just me.

PiataMaiNei · 28/08/2020 15:36

Have you ever had a proper discussion with your mum about all this OP?

ColleagueFromMars · 28/08/2020 15:37

What does he actually want? Because I'm imagining something like;

Xmas eve - add birthday banner(s) to Xmas decorations that are already up.

Morning - naice coffees/bucks fizz, "Happy Christmas mum/Brian/kids/partner! Happy Birthday Brian!"

Nice breakfast

Cards and presents (Christmas)

Nice walk, somebody puts the roast on, somebody else lays the table and helps the children play with new toys etc

Christmas lunch

Afternoon- right then Brian, your cards and presents! You get to choose the Christmas film that everybody will fall asleep watching

Brian's birthday cake (sing Happy birthday) and buffet tea.

Evening - any remaining presents/comatose in front of telly etc

If it's that, YABU.

You imply that wouldn't be enough for Brian (or whatever his name actually is)... so can you come back and elaborate for us?

1WildTeaParty · 28/08/2020 15:38

@Youzam

Yes it really is half a day! When we were kids I remember him lining up all his presents (he always asks for lots and lots of small individual items such as bathing products, CDs, books etc) he tells us he wants them individually wrapped in birthday poet so he gets to open them one by one. It is mind numbing you dull to have to sit there and watch him open each one slowly, teasing the paper at the speed of a snail on purpose. He then would pass each item along and we had to pass comment on it. We weren’t allowed to play with our new Christmas toys during the whole charade and I hated it. He sulks really badly if he doesn’t get exactly what he wants for his birthday too. Honestly, I don’t think I do really like him, certainly not enough to willingly do that on my own Christmas Day with my own kids.
OP he sounds mad and you are perfectly reasonable to protect your family from such mind-numbingly selfish behaviour on Christmas day. (He is a grown man not a little kid!)

You should explain this to your Mum though. She ought to know why you are shying away from the visit.

helpmum2003 · 28/08/2020 15:38

OP i would have an open conversation with your Mum about it. Tell her how many birthday celebrations you are happy to have on the 25th. (eg birthday cake at evening meal with birthday presents then, birthday banner or whatever). She can then discuss with her husband and if he's not happy then you have your answer and can tell her it won't work.
It's obvious you don't like him, fair enough, but do try to think about your Mum as well- she's clearly desperate to spend Xmas with you. Personally I think a small modification of Xmas Day isn't a bad thing for kids. Teaches them it's not all about them. It's about families, not just children.

You

LadyOfTheImprovisedBath · 28/08/2020 15:39

Sounds awful and I don't blame you not wanting it repeated for your kids.

So either continue to ignore your Mum's hints or find a compromise of earlier christmas style meal before actual day you can do with her or do some other christmas thing with her like panto hopefully without him.

picosdeeuropa · 28/08/2020 15:40

I cant believe you and your siblings were put through this manchilds present giving nightmare on christmas day. Your mum shouldnt have allowed that to happen. Xmas is such a magical time for DC and it sounds he wanted all the attention on himself. Any decent man would have made a fuss of his step kids on christmas morning and had his birthday cake etc later in the day. I wouldnt be inviting either of them to my house to spoil my DC xmas

roarfeckingroarr · 28/08/2020 15:40

YANBU OP. I really don't think you are. But, I would tell your mum the truth and explain how you find his need for attention really demanding and distracting for everyone especially kids. Say you've no problem with a card/present/toast but he's an adult and really, you don't want to have to worry about whether a grown adult will sulk on Christmas Day because it isn't made all about him.

He sounds immensely childish and I would feel exactly as you do.

diddl · 28/08/2020 15:40

@Ohtherewearethen

Why doesn't she ever host Christmas/husband's birthday and invite you and her husband's daughter?
I did wonder that if she is the one who wants everyone to be together!
BillysMyBunny · 28/08/2020 15:41

Oh my goodness that sounds insufferable. YANBU and if I was in your shoes I think I would be telling my Mum exactly why I wasn’t happy to host her at Christmas and explain that you’re not willing to give up half the day to him. Say if she wants to come over he’ll have to do his birthday with her on Christmas Eve as you definitely won’t be doing it at your house.

TorgosPizza · 28/08/2020 15:42

Ugh, no. I wouldn't want my Christmas dominated by someone I didn't particularly like, every year.

If he'd be satisfied with a cake and 15-30 minutes of focus on his birthday, I'd say you should just do it to be nice, but if he sulks if he doesn't get a big fuss, I'd be disgusted with him and feel the same way you do.

If you do decide to host them, I'd tell your mother right from the start that you're leaving arrangements for his party entirely to her. If she wants to, she can bring things or have them delivered to your home, and then she can put it all together. Of course, you'll still have to play along and sing, etc., but at least less of the work will fall to you.

79andnotout · 28/08/2020 15:42

It's just a birthday. He needs to grow up.

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