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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to inadvertently host her birthday?

410 replies

Youzam · 28/08/2020 14:04

This potentially won’t be an issue this year due to the pandemic, but my mum hints strongly every year that she and her husband would like an invite to ours for Christmas. Every year it starts around this time, she started last week saying “it would be SO lovely to all be together. I would love to share a proper Christmas dinner together. Your house is the perfect size for us all” and on and on. She hasn’t directly asked and I just vaguely agree that hI would be nice but don’t actually invite her. Here’s the thing, they live a long drive away and always expect to stay in our house for a few days. I love her a lot but her husband is just... exhausting. It’s his birthday on Christmas Day and he fully expects a fuss (cake, presents, singing, banners). Growing up, half the day always had to be about him and I always hated it. They go to his daughter’s house usually and she goes all out and my mum has said the one year she didn’t do it he sulked all day. I really don’t want to spend half the day celebrating his birthday!!!! AIBU?

OP posts:
honeygirlz · 28/08/2020 14:48

@RunningFromInsanity

Every year you expect his daughter to accommodated your mum, but won’t return the favour once

OP isn’t her mother’s keeper, she’s not expecting anyone to accommodate her. Her mum’s a grown ass woman.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 28/08/2020 14:49

@makingmammaries

I suspect this man must be a bit of an arse and you were forced to put up with him as a child and maybe feel that you owe him nothing beyond basic courtesy. In that situation (and in most situations) I would not want to make that amount of fuss for an adult’s birthday, especially if they viewed it as an entitlement. So YANBU.
Yep, sounds like it.
Nikori · 28/08/2020 14:49

It would't bother me. My kids wake early and open their stockings and presents, then we have Christmas dinner in the afternoon, but we don't really do anything special in the evening. I think you are making a fuss about nothing really.

Reviewsplease · 28/08/2020 14:50

Those saying they dont celebrate a birthday on Christmas day are clearly not religious... people are aware that christmas day is the celebration of Jesus's birth (although he would have been born in spring time due to the consensus and shepherds watching their flocks etc )

You have some options

  1. Invite them and dedicate some of the day celebrating the day this man was born into the world and the fact his mother missed out on christmas day pushing him out (assuming it was a vaginal birth)
  2. Tell your mum you dont want to change your traditions so either they both come and he sucks it up that there Is no party for him or
  3. She comes alone and he goes to his daughters for the usual celebrations
  4. As you were dont invite them and do what you do

I can kind of see where you are coming from. I probably would just do a cake and a few b day presents as a one off but tell them in advance that this is what you are doing and if he wants more then your house is not the place to be.

I do think you both have deeper issues over this whole thing though, him wanting a fuss and you feeling that christmas was always overshadowed by his birthday

Nikori · 28/08/2020 14:50

I do agree that it just sounds like you don't really like him, which is fair enough.

MindyStClaire · 28/08/2020 14:51

A Christmas Day birthday must be completely shit. I'm not one for a fuss on my birthday, some years I find it very difficult as it's close to the anniversary of a bereavement. But if I were gathered with close family on the actual day and there wasn't at least a cake I'd feel fairly forgotten.

Do a birthday cake, give a birthday present and card, wrapped appropriately, separate to Christmas presents, wish him a happy birthday when you first see him. I wouldn't be bothering with banners etc unless that's normal in your family for non milestone birthdays.

Ohtherewearethen · 28/08/2020 14:52

Why doesn't she ever host Christmas/husband's birthday and invite you and her husband's daughter?

SantaClaritaDiet · 28/08/2020 14:52

If his birthday wasn’t on Christmas Day then I certainly wouldn’t be hosting it.

there's a big difference between hosting a full-on birthday party, and celebrating the birthday of someone who happens to be in your house - with a cake, a gift and a drink.

It wouldn't occur to any decent human being to willingly ignore someone's birthday, how mean and childish.

If the birthday person demands a banner, you can tell him to make his own, let's not push it.

MellySandra · 28/08/2020 14:52

You’re not being unreasonable to not to want to do it, but he isn’t unreasonable either to want to celebrate his birthday.

Nanny0gg · 28/08/2020 14:53

[quote Youzam]@GiveMeAllTheGin8 ha ha! I’m not horrible at all but I am considering whether I would like to see mum on the day. I always see her around then, just not on the actual day. I’d love to if it didn’t mean giving up half Christmas Day to celebrate her husband.[/quote]
Well, you're not being very nice...

mbosnz · 28/08/2020 14:53

I think for me, it's the sulking if he doesn't get his fuss, that does my head in. I don't pander to children sulking, and I'm minded to do so even less, with adults.

Nanny0gg · 28/08/2020 14:55

[quote Youzam]@Shakirasma he wasn’t around when I was growing up really. He didn’t live with us and didn’t raise us. I’m not attached to him as a stepdad or anything so I suppose I may feel differently if it was my dad, I really don’t know. If his birthday wasn’t on Christmas Day then I certainly wouldn’t be hosting it.[/quote]
But you were a child? Did you not live with your mum?

rorosemary · 28/08/2020 14:57

@SoddingWeddings

All those saying they'd never celebrate a birthday at Christmas clearly have never had a friend or family member with a birthday around that time. Imagine being told your birthday can't ever be celebrated with a cake on the day, and always coming back second to another celebration?

My mate was a Boxing Day baby, and Missy of my family are December babies for some reason! It's a very expensive month, and I have to buy cards and wrapping paper in November or it's still very hard to find even in this day and age.

OP, I think you're being a bit mean - I'm guessing you don't like this guy on his own merits anyway?

Wrong. My exFIL's birthday is on christmas day. He ruined every christmas for us by demanding that his birthday came first and we weren't allowed to do anything christmassy/put on christmas music/ exchange gifts et cetera till after 8 PM. Which is when small nieces are tired and tantrumming and not fun. He also didn't buy christmas gifts for anybody since it was his birthday after all. He was mad at me if I didn't come for christmas but went to my own parents (7 hours travelling time between them). Even when my mum was terminally ill he was mad at me for wanting to spend our last christmas together at mums.

I was born in summer. I always (even as a child) celebrated the weekend before or after and didn't feel hard done by. I find it weird that a grown man is so controlling over the actual day of his birthday celebration. I also find it miserable to want to take away everyones christmas for a celebration that can easily be done a few days before or after.

honeygirlz · 28/08/2020 14:57

It always amazes me how so many posters can ignore all the red flags warning about a twat. This is a man who sulks all days if people don't go all out on his birthday. He wouldn't be happy with a card and cake. It sounds like his wife and daughter pander to him and now OP's mum is trying to enlist another woman into the wifework. Funny how he sulks with women, bet he doesn't sulk at work.

romeolovedjulliet · 28/08/2020 14:58

sulks if he doesn't get the full works on his birthday ? how old is he ffs? i would give the same response for a woman too. i get that some adults like all the fuss and that but sulking to the point of dragging others down ? jog on with that idea matey.

LadyOfTheImprovisedBath · 28/08/2020 14:58

We see relatives a week before or after chirstmas and do a christmas style meal then - last year went out to a chistmas pub lunch for a change.

Would that be a possible compromise - seeing them around christmas but not on the day for a meal?

rorosemary · 28/08/2020 15:00

@RunningFromInsanity

Every year you expect his daughter to accommodated your mum, but won’t return the favour once?
The mum or stepdad could also host christmas/the birthday for the daughter. OP doesn't have to do anything for his daughter. It's on the mum and stepdad to return the favour.
Original poster
Youzam · 28/08/2020 15:00

Thanks all! Interesting to get some different perspectives. It helps to understand my mum’s viewpoint a bit more.

OP posts:
InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 28/08/2020 15:02

@honeygirlz

It always amazes me how so many posters can ignore all the red flags warning about a twat. This is a man who sulks all days if people don't go all out on his birthday. He wouldn't be happy with a card and cake. It sounds like his wife and daughter pander to him and now OP's mum is trying to enlist another woman into the wifework. Funny how he sulks with women, bet he doesn't sulk at work.
This.

I don't pander to sulking children, much less adults.

He ruins the day so fuck that. Carry on as before.

Advicewouldbeappreciated · 28/08/2020 15:02

Birthdays are for kids in my opinion-as an adult it's nice to have a nice meal or the odd gift but all the 'you must make a fuss of me' is a bit over the top.
You can't expect people on a national holiday to make it all about you. Im sure your mum will make a fuss he is her partner after all.
There seems to be a huge expectation on here for people wanting to be fussed over, similar to marriage proposals
Low key and understated is plenty.

Shockingstocking · 28/08/2020 15:03

I wouldn't.

DrawerOfDoom · 28/08/2020 15:03

If you're not religious, why don't you celebrate his birthday on Christmas Day and move Christmas celebrations to Boxing Day? Then he can't complain because his day isn't overshadowed by Christmas and your Christmas celebrations won't be overshadowed by his birthday.

katy1213 · 28/08/2020 15:03

OH, for heaven's sake - a grown man wanting banners for his birthday - and at someone else's house. A 12-year-old would be embarrassed!
I think your instincts are right and that Christmas would be happier without him. It's a shame for your mum but she married him. Send a Christmas card, with PS happy birthday for the 25th!

SantaClaritaDiet · 28/08/2020 15:03

@honeygirlz

It always amazes me how so many posters can ignore all the red flags warning about a twat. This is a man who sulks all days if people don't go all out on his birthday. He wouldn't be happy with a card and cake. It sounds like his wife and daughter pander to him and now OP's mum is trying to enlist another woman into the wifework. Funny how he sulks with women, bet he doesn't sulk at work.
this forum is full of threads of women similarly sulking if their birthdays/mother days are not celebrated well enough.

I tend to agree, birthdays are a big thing for me, but I don't sulk about it, I make them happen Grin

it's hardly a red flag for an adult to want a bit better than a card and a cake from his own family! I get more than that at work!

The only "red flag" is the obvious dislike between people. Sulking all day is ridiculous, but refusing to even acknowledge somebody's birthday is just as bad.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 28/08/2020 15:04

YANBU OP.

I don’t quite get adults who want to make a huge deal of their birthday. I’m happy with a card and pressie from DH, and a meal for the two of us at the weekend afterwards.

I can understand doing the banners and cake stuff on Christmas Day for a child or a significant birthday, but for any normal year for a grown up I’d think they were a bit of a twat for making a multi generational family get together about them.