Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to inadvertently host her birthday?

410 replies

Youzam · 28/08/2020 14:04

This potentially won’t be an issue this year due to the pandemic, but my mum hints strongly every year that she and her husband would like an invite to ours for Christmas. Every year it starts around this time, she started last week saying “it would be SO lovely to all be together. I would love to share a proper Christmas dinner together. Your house is the perfect size for us all” and on and on. She hasn’t directly asked and I just vaguely agree that hI would be nice but don’t actually invite her. Here’s the thing, they live a long drive away and always expect to stay in our house for a few days. I love her a lot but her husband is just... exhausting. It’s his birthday on Christmas Day and he fully expects a fuss (cake, presents, singing, banners). Growing up, half the day always had to be about him and I always hated it. They go to his daughter’s house usually and she goes all out and my mum has said the one year she didn’t do it he sulked all day. I really don’t want to spend half the day celebrating his birthday!!!! AIBU?

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 28/08/2020 14:36

I would agree that a child should still get a birthday fuss, but a grown adult?

Oysterbabe · 28/08/2020 14:36

I think you should just do it and have the birthday cake as part of dessert.
My mum died suddenly 3 years ago whilst still young and seemingly healthy. You never know what the future holds and you'd regret never spending Christmas with her once it's no longer an option.

honeygirlz · 28/08/2020 14:36

Oh God absolutely say no! I feel sorry for his poor daughter. Does he make a fuss of her on her birthday? I’m guessing not?

Original poster
Youzam · 28/08/2020 14:37

@unmarkedbythat Yes it really was tiresome as a child, I’ve never known another adult be so demanding on their birthday. My mum just has a meal for her birthday that we all come to (and it’s very very rarely on the actual day). We all still celebrate her, so where is the issue? Dominating Christmas Day is dull. Interesting to see a mix of opinions. I wondered why they don’t pre-empt that others wouldn’t want to host someone’s birthday on Christmas day and say something?! Why not say not to worry about his birthday, well all celebrate Boxing Day or something. Perhaps they genuinely don’t see it as putting others out.

OP posts:
nobodysdaughter · 28/08/2020 14:37

I'd love my mum to come over for Xmas so much, there's loads of valid reasons why she can't. But I'd love her to be there just once. I could cry thinking about it, and I start trying to work out a way to make it possible about this time of the year.
Maybe your mum feels the same, and just one year would mean so much.

Shakirasma · 28/08/2020 14:37

I think theres more going on with regards to your feelings toward him, than resenting his wish to celebrate his birthday at Christmas. You refer to him as your mums husband, not step father, even though he was around when you were growing up. Is it more about you simply not liking him?

SantaClaritaDiet · 28/08/2020 14:41

I wondered why they don’t pre-empt that others wouldn’t want to host someone’s birthday on Christmas day and say something?!

for most people, celebrating an adult's birthday who happens to be staying with you just means a cake, a token gift and a bottle of something fizzy. Not quite the same as organising a proper party, but nothing that anyone would bat an eyelid at.

Lovemusic33 · 28/08/2020 14:41

I think you should do it for one year, do it for your mum. Don’t make a huge fuss about his birthday, maybe give him a card and a birthday gift, if he wants to bring a birthday cake then that’s fine.

I have hosted for my mum before despite hating my step dad, I just grit my teeth and try and make the most out of a shit situation, it’s only one day (maybe 2 if they stay over).

Original poster
Youzam · 28/08/2020 14:41

@Shakirasma he wasn’t around when I was growing up really. He didn’t live with us and didn’t raise us. I’m not attached to him as a stepdad or anything so I suppose I may feel differently if it was my dad, I really don’t know. If his birthday wasn’t on Christmas Day then I certainly wouldn’t be hosting it.

OP posts:
SoddingWeddings · 28/08/2020 14:42

All those saying they'd never celebrate a birthday at Christmas clearly have never had a friend or family member with a birthday around that time. Imagine being told your birthday can't ever be celebrated with a cake on the day, and always coming back second to another celebration?

My mate was a Boxing Day baby, and Missy of my family are December babies for some reason! It's a very expensive month, and I have to buy cards and wrapping paper in November or it's still very hard to find even in this day and age.

OP, I think you're being a bit mean - I'm guessing you don't like this guy on his own merits anyway?

PersonaNonGarter · 28/08/2020 14:42

No way. To upset my Christmas for someone else’s birthday, I’d need to be really close the birthday person. So in this case, no.

I feel a bit sorry for your mum that you aren’t being straight with her though. Just tell her you don’t want to host his birthday - can they arrive in the afternoon for Christmas celebrations?

Jeezoh · 28/08/2020 14:42

Why don’t you invite them but make clear to your mum that she’s in charge of anything birthday related whilst you’ll have your hands full sorting all the Christmas stuff? If you’re feeling generous, you can offer to get the cake.

I think you come across as very mean spirited to be honest and a bit oblivious to what Christmas is meant to be all about. You seem keen to celebrate it without anything reflection on the whole premise of the origins of the celebration!

jessstan2 · 28/08/2020 14:42

I don't think it would hurt you for once. Devote the day including lunch, to Christmas and the evening, from 6pm, to his birthday.

Guylan · 28/08/2020 14:43

For your mum’s sake, I would think it would be nice to have them for Christmas occasionally. You don’t have to do it every year, but feel sorry for your mum never to get to spend Christmas Day with you all. Also I wouldn’t mind getting a birthday cake and some banners for her husband. It’s not hard or time consuming.

demelza82 · 28/08/2020 14:43

Some of these responses Hmm

YANBU - grown-ass adults who expect a massive fuss on their birthday (on any day) and then SULK if they don't get it need to give their head a wobble. So childish and self-involved

honeygirlz · 28/08/2020 14:43

But he sounds such a twat and wet lettuce. I wouldn’t want to.

unexpectedthird · 28/08/2020 14:43

It sounds like it's more to do with you disliking him than anything else. And that's fair enough. Maybe he's an arse.

My DH's birthday is on Christmas Day and we all make a huge effort for him because it's shit having your birthday then. We have banners, balloons, cake etc and nobody minds at all. In fact we enjoy it. But that's because we like him and want him to have a nice time.

If you don't like the man and are simply polite for your Mum's sake then I'd say keep going as you are. It sounds like you'd feel hugely resentful if they came to you and that wouldn't be fun for anybody whether you were justified or not. 🙂

makingmammaries · 28/08/2020 14:44

I suspect this man must be a bit of an arse and you were forced to put up with him as a child and maybe feel that you owe him nothing beyond basic courtesy. In that situation (and in most situations) I would not want to make that amount of fuss for an adult’s birthday, especially if they viewed it as an entitlement. So YANBU.

Scentsandsensible · 28/08/2020 14:44

Honestly you doing cold. I cannot imagine that getting a cake out and singing happy birthday really would dominate half the day - half an hour would be pushing it.

RunningFromInsanity · 28/08/2020 14:46

Every year you expect his daughter to accommodated your mum, but won’t return the favour once?

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 28/08/2020 14:46

Nah, fuck that. In life we are all compelled to do so much that sucks out of necessity. Why do it in your spare time? Just tell her why. He sounds pathetic, sulking and pouting. Who wants that at Xmas?

ZenZebra · 28/08/2020 14:47

Personally I wouldn't want to invite anyone who came with a set of conditions about how the day(s)should go - especially if they have form for sulking all day if they didn't get what they wanted.

He's not someone you feel particularly close to. I would make your own arrangements for Christmas and let your mum and her husband do the same for themselves.

Hadjab · 28/08/2020 14:47

You may not think so, but you're coming across as plain nasty. Clearly you don't like him, and I have no idea how he could possibly ruin Christmas with it being his birthday, which isn't his fault, by the way, so carry on as you have been in the past, and host them on a different day.

Hadjab · 28/08/2020 14:48

@RunningFromInsanity

Every year you expect his daughter to accommodated your mum, but won’t return the favour once?
This ^^
mbosnz · 28/08/2020 14:48

Would it be possible to have a discussion about it with your Mum, and just very honestly say, look I'd love to have you guys for Christmas Day, but find it very difficult that your husband wants a large chunk of the day devoted to his birthday, and to do cake, presents etc, on what is already a very full day, what with special breakfasts, stockings, Christmas tree, Christmas dinner, christmas cake, etc?

Is there any chance that he'd be prepared to have his birthday celebrated some day before, or after?