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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to inadvertently host her birthday?

410 replies

Youzam · 28/08/2020 14:04

This potentially won’t be an issue this year due to the pandemic, but my mum hints strongly every year that she and her husband would like an invite to ours for Christmas. Every year it starts around this time, she started last week saying “it would be SO lovely to all be together. I would love to share a proper Christmas dinner together. Your house is the perfect size for us all” and on and on. She hasn’t directly asked and I just vaguely agree that hI would be nice but don’t actually invite her. Here’s the thing, they live a long drive away and always expect to stay in our house for a few days. I love her a lot but her husband is just... exhausting. It’s his birthday on Christmas Day and he fully expects a fuss (cake, presents, singing, banners). Growing up, half the day always had to be about him and I always hated it. They go to his daughter’s house usually and she goes all out and my mum has said the one year she didn’t do it he sulked all day. I really don’t want to spend half the day celebrating his birthday!!!! AIBU?

OP posts:
Vivi0 · 28/08/2020 15:43

@Youzam

Yes it really is half a day! When we were kids I remember him lining up all his presents (he always asks for lots and lots of small individual items such as bathing products, CDs, books etc) he tells us he wants them individually wrapped in birthday poet so he gets to open them one by one. It is mind numbing you dull to have to sit there and watch him open each one slowly, teasing the paper at the speed of a snail on purpose. He then would pass each item along and we had to pass comment on it. We weren’t allowed to play with our new Christmas toys during the whole charade and I hated it. He sulks really badly if he doesn’t get exactly what he wants for his birthday too. Honestly, I don’t think I do really like him, certainly not enough to willingly do that on my own Christmas Day with my own kids.
OP, you are an adult now. You do not need to tolerate any of that anymore. It is your home.

If he comes to yours, he gets a “Happy Birthday” and a cake after dinner. Your children play with their toys. If he sulks, they don’t get an invite again.

That sounds awful. But what on earth was your mum thinking allowing that? I agree with a PP, I think you need to have a discussion with her and definitely prior to any Christmas invite you may or may not extend to her and her husband this year.

ChristmasArmadillo · 28/08/2020 15:44

My birthday is Christmas Day and while I don’t have any requirements and wouldn’t have a tantrum if nobody made a deal over it I find myself suddenly very thankful for my family! Shock

Lockdownhairdontcare · 28/08/2020 15:45

Bugger that.

Christmas is for children. As an adult unless it’s a big birthday we do gifts in bed on the morning, cake after school and a meal out or something at the weekend. Your SF sounds exceptionally self centred!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/08/2020 15:45

Every year you expect his daughter to accommodated your mum, but won’t return the favour once? But OP would accommodate him and her mum... for Christmas.. any year by the sound of it.

She just doesn't want to spend half her Christmas Day, cooking, shopping, thinking, speaking, singing Happy Birthday to a man she doesn't consider to be her dad, step dad or anythng other than her mum's husband - which tells you all you need to know about their relationship!

Sod that for a game of soldiers. He can do what other adults do and gracefully accept that his birthday is a moveable feast! My SIL and nephew are born either side of Christmas Day. As kids their days were separated from Christmas, celebrated properly. As adults they have both picked a day that best suits them - their version of the Queen's Birthday - to celebrate with friends etc. Their immediate family make a token gesture (SIL gets breakfast in bed 3 days on the trot, that kind of thing) and celebrate their 2nd birthday date properly! I know a few others with similar solutions, it isn't that unusual!

ifIwerenotanandroid · 28/08/2020 15:45

So every year as a child, he suddenly wanted you all to celebrate HIS birthday on Christmas Day (when children have so much else to focus on), even though he didn't live with you or raise you?

And now, as an older adult, he sulks if he doesn't get what he wants & feels entitled to?

I know what that sounds like to me, & I wouldn't want to spend Christmas with him, either. The fact that your Mum hints without asking outright or acknowledging that you'll be expected to arrange the birthday celebration as well as Christmas, tells me what she is in relation to him & I'm not impressed with that either.

Don't have them over.

TorgosPizza · 28/08/2020 15:46

After reading the update, I wouldn't even "allow" your mother to host his party at your house!

He sounds insufferable. I have a relative who's birthday is on Christmas and whom we regularly see on that day. Even as a child, the day was never all about him. (He generally celebrated a half-birthday for his party.)

Definitely agree your mother needs to be told why you're hesitating. Surely they can celebrate his birthday earlier or later!

TorgosPizza · 28/08/2020 15:47

*whose

BigMamaFratelli · 28/08/2020 15:48

"I have a Christmas day birthday. My family have always made a huge fuss on the day, unprompted, because they love me and aren't arseholes. Hey ho."

Also probably because you aren't an arsehole, hellosunshine
Doesn't seem to be the same situation for the OP's stepdad

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 28/08/2020 15:50

@Youzam

Yes it really is half a day! When we were kids I remember him lining up all his presents (he always asks for lots and lots of small individual items such as bathing products, CDs, books etc) he tells us he wants them individually wrapped in birthday poet so he gets to open them one by one. It is mind numbing you dull to have to sit there and watch him open each one slowly, teasing the paper at the speed of a snail on purpose. He then would pass each item along and we had to pass comment on it. We weren’t allowed to play with our new Christmas toys during the whole charade and I hated it. He sulks really badly if he doesn’t get exactly what he wants for his birthday too. Honestly, I don’t think I do really like him, certainly not enough to willingly do that on my own Christmas Day with my own kids.
So don't! Your mother knows he's a cock and expects you to now pander to him. Just tell her NO and why if ignoring her PA hints isn't an option.
peardrops1 · 28/08/2020 15:50

He sounds so self-involved and pathetic! Sulks all day when his daughter didn't go all out for his birthday?? And the descriptions of your childhood Christmases - jesus. Just say no, OP, and if necessary tell your mother why.

mbosnz · 28/08/2020 15:51

Actually, when your Mum hints again, I'd be a lot more direct. Something like, 'yes Mum, I know you'd love us to host you and your husband for Christmas. I'd like to do so. But I remember the performance regarding your husband's birthday, his insistence that at least half the day be devoted to his birthday, and that would not be happening at ours. And I would be very unhappy indeed, if he spoiled Christmas Day by throwing a childish sulk about this. So really, the ball's in your court. If Brian is happy to shift his birthday, and to come celebrate Christmas, the whole day, then we can give it a burl.'

SmellsLikeFeet · 28/08/2020 15:52

I think your mum is being unreasonable wanting to come to you at Christmas when she knows what he will expect
It's her husband, she has chosen to tolerate his childish behaviour but it shouldn't be inflicted on you or your family
You are right to put your children first

BruhWhy · 28/08/2020 15:53

God that sounds exhausting. Say no.

SnuggyBuggy · 28/08/2020 15:53

That would be tedious as fuck even if it wasn't Christmas day.

BlueJava · 28/08/2020 15:54

I get the feeling from your posts that's it's not really his birthday on Xmas Day that's the problem, is that you don't really like him.

However, if he made my mum happy I'd just get on and do an Xmas/Birthday every once in a while so I could spend Xmas Day with my mum!

SleepingStandingUp · 28/08/2020 15:56

Ib think you're being a bit weird about it tbh.

In his house, half the day is given over to him. Their choice.

So incite them to yours and do your day your way with some consideration to the fact that it is his birthday and ignoring it would be rude.

Christmas presents in the morning, Christmas lunch then whilst still sitting round the table give him his birthday present and bring out a cake with a candle on. Use a Christmas iced came and change the decorations if you went assuming he eats fruit cake.

Then let the kids get on with playing their tour, all fall asleep in front of Corrie or whatever you do.

If he wants an hourly rendition of happy birthday and for you to pull down the tree at midday and put birthday banners up, week just ignore the sulk and get on with your day

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/08/2020 15:56

Don’t do it. He sounds insufferable. No reason you should sacrifice your Christmas for him at all.

Say no and don’t feel bad.

Ponoka7 · 28/08/2020 15:57

I also would be honest with her. My Birthday falls on Mother's day, every few years. I ask for a combined present and have always been happy with a generic cake, which would be shared with my Mum and GM. I'd have my adult Birthday celebration the Friday after. I was happy with spring themed decorations, which would get used again over Easter. My DD's Birthday falls on the Advent and she is happy to combine that.

He's bloody selfish and it shouldn't have been pandered to.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 28/08/2020 15:57

Every year you expect his daughter to accommodated your mum, but won’t return the favour once?
This ^^

So you are never going to have your DM over for Christmas because it's her DH's birthday and you don't want to bother celebrating it on the actual day? Why would you be so mean? I don't think it would hurt you to host them for Christmas and celebrate his birthday on the actual day every 2-3 years.
Your mother must be really disappointed and how upsetting that she has to keep dropping big hints that you ignore.

Cooltalkin · 28/08/2020 15:57

You will regret this stance in yrs to come when your mum isn’t around anymore she would obv love to spend Xmas with you but you are blocking it cos of her husband , let her have it , it’s not every year and won’t kill you
Let her buy his cake ( if logistically realistic ) give him an extra pressie
Sing happy bday and get on with enjoying it

SnuggyBuggy · 28/08/2020 15:59

It's obvious who isn't reading the OPs posts

SleepingStandingUp · 28/08/2020 16:01

host my own birthdays what does this even mean? Unless you're having guests over for drinks/ a meal what is this elaborate thing you all go through to host your birthday?
Mines New Years Eve. We usually get a pub lunch, possible pop to mine for a cuppa. No one is hosting. I think your all ott about your birthday's tbf if you can't countenance celebrating it without the formality of someone "hosting" the day

JoanJosephJim · 28/08/2020 16:02

Why can't he just go to his daughter's house and he hogs the day enjoys his birthday there?

Why does it fall to you, a non family member to host him on his birthday? He made it very clear in your childhood that he wasn't your step-dad, so he can fuck off to his daughter's.

He sulks? What is he 5? Maybe there is a reason his daughter doesn't want him at hers. I would tell your Mum straight why you don't invite her for Christmas.

I know a person who has a whole week and genuinely a whole week celebration for their birthday every year. It always makes me think of Dudley Dursley counting his presents out. Her Mum raised her this way and her Mum had the exact same deal. It isn't normal as an adult to have a week long celebration of your birth. Especially when that means you refuse to go to your nephew's birthday party as he happened to have the audacity to be born within a few days of your birthday. Even when the party is not on your actual birthday, just on the Saturday near to your actual birthday. FFS.

PiataMaiNei · 28/08/2020 16:03

@SnuggyBuggy

It's obvious who isn't reading the OPs posts
Isn't it just!
fairlygoodmother · 28/08/2020 16:04

If you wanted to do it I would suggest you designate a specific time to celebrate the birthday - so if you have Christmas lunch you could have a cake at 6pm or whatever. And tell them in advance that’s what you’re willing to do and they can come or not. It’s fair enough to want to celebrate a birthday but not to want the whole of Christmas to be about him, especially if there are children around.

But it sounds like this isn’t really the whole issue.