To be upset by not being on University Drop Off Duty

[teatotalling]

Name changed as this is possibly a bit outing ...

DS , after lots of A Level drama and clearing , finding accommodation etc ..has got into Uni and can move in , in three weeks time .

Me & DS Father split twelve years ago and are both remarried and Ex is currently going through a divorce , DS lived with me throughout and stayed with his Father once or twice a month , depending on his work etc
We do not have an amicable relationship at all .. history of emotional and financial abuse

Throughout the trauma of A Level Results Day his only contribution was ' hope your Mother is doing something about it '

He is currently at his Dads and messaged me today to say that he's booked his moving in slot and that his Dad will pick him up from home , we'll load all his stuff in to his car (that I have been collecting ready for him to pack) , then they'll go have lunch and go do Uni drop off
Explained that I was wanting to go (I drive and have a car ) and DS told me he didn't think it was a big thing and can't understand why I'm bothered
(It's not an option for me to go along with them )and that's it all been agreed and he can't change it now

Ex says he has a right to be there for 'all the big events' but has never shown interest in first/last days of school , school plays , Uni open days etc- just this and out of the blue

AIBU to be hurt/hacked off at being binned by DS on a milestone day or am I over reacting and need to get a grip (and just arrange to go and see him sometime instead , I'm not an emotional embarrassing mum who is going to weep in front of him !)

Yeah that’s a bit shit. But go and see him and take him out for dinner and top his shopping up a few weeks after he’s settled.

I can see why you're hurt. I wouldn't want to 'tag along' in your case, but I'd probably (calmly) explain to your son why taking him for his first day of uni was so important to you. If you've done all the heavy stuff, including helping out with the nightmare that was the A Level madness, I do believe he's being ungrateful and hurtful sharing the start of the next stage of his life only with his dad.

Do you think there's a reason why? Is he worried you or he will get a bit too emotional when he gets there? Is there opportunity to visit once he's a bit settled as a compromise?

YANBU. I would be gutted to be honest though I certainly wouldn't take it personally from the point of view of your DS as I am sure he wouldn't mean it nastily.

I'd be very cross with the ex though - particularly as he hasn't been bothered about these milestones before! He should realise what this would mean to you. Could he have an ulterior motive, for example wanting to visit someone who lives in the place your DS will be going to university?

Congrats to your son, and to you for getting him through such a horrible. uncertain time

To be honest, you may be better off out of it! It’ll literally be dropping him off with his stuff then turning round and coming home. You’re not missing out really.
The day before he goes, make him his favourite food, do something nice together, say your goodbyes at home.

Oh OP, that is so awful. I would be so hurt if my child did this to me. And yes, he really should know, at 18 or 19 and about to head to Uni, how this appears to you.

Also, I see your DH is still an AH.

Not sure how to advise you - but I would not under any circumstances, be getting his stuff ready for him. Let DH buy him all he needs.

Also, DO NOT help them pack the car.

Honestly, your son needs to learn how to treat you with respect. I would not tolerate this lack of respect from any man in my life.

I totally understand why you would feel sad but honestly they will be stuck in traffic for hours if its a popular uni city and it will tiring and stressful and he will just want to get on and meet people anyway. Go visit once all the heavy lifting is done and you will have a much nicer day

I get that it is disappointing but try not to let it show. Let DS and his DDad get on with it, it's a nightmare lugging everything out of the car into the accommodation and settling in ... and will no doubt be worse this year with all the Covid restrictions. As another poster said, let him settle in and then go and meet him for lunch when everything is a bit calmer.

Do you know what? Your son is an adult now. So speak to him like one.
'DS, I'm really hurt that you are going to university with your Dad. I know you won't understand this, but my hurt is not dependent on you understanding it. I have put in all the work of bringing you up and helping you to become an adult, and taking you to university is the culmination of my being your mum for 18 years. Your results are your success, not mine, but I have supported you and cheered you on. Its important to me to be there.'

Force him to see you as a person, not 'a mum', because now he's an adult it's important that he sees his behaviour has an effect on the people around him. This is an important life lesson. If he's allowed to dismiss your feelings as you're his mother, then eventually he'll dismiss his future wife's feelings when SHE'S 'just a mother.' teach him to consider you. It's important.

I disagree with the poster who says that your son isn't treating you with respect. More likely he's focused on starting uni and didn't even realise it would be a big deal for you. He'll probably want to be dropped off and won't want anyone to hang around or have an emotional goodbye.

Let ex handle this one, and make sure you and your son go out the night before he leaves for a special dinner. Tell him how proud you are of him and chat to him about his hopes and dreams for uni and beyond. That will be much more enjoyable for both of you than the actual drop off.

Exactly what Ragwort said.

I totally get what you are saying, and I want to take my dc on moving in day too but 18 yr olds generally will not have seen this as a big deal. In fairness to your ex, he might not either. Your ds happened to be with him when he was booking his slot, checked if "nearest available adult" could get him there for that time slot, and all sorted. It won't have crossed your dc's ind at all that this is some emotional step that might be a big deal.

this year in particular, most universities are literally giving people a 1 hr slot to collect key and carry boxes in.

As other have suggested, arrange to drive there in a few weeks and take him out for lunch and get him to show you round when he has found his feet a bit. It will be a MUCH nicer day.

This sucks for sure, but it wouldn't surprise me in the least that DS genuinely just doesn't understand why being there is so important to you. He's probably just being a typically dim teenager, and hasn't even considered how his (shit) dad taking your place could be construed. DS is probably focusing on making a good impression with his new soon-to-be mates and just doesn't see this as the end/start of an era that you do. His dad is probably just a bloke giving him a lift, end of. Has DS thanked you at all for all your support over the past weeks? Not explicitly, necessarily, but at least shown some kind of appreciation?

I understand why you are hurt - while the lazy part of me would be happy to avoid the trip, as s parent I'd like to be there, to see where my DC would be living.

It might not be thoughtless on his part though. Maybe he wants to say goodbye to you at home privately, but can cope better with a public farewell with his father?

I would give your Ex a long shopping list for a supermarket shop for your Son to do on the way and smile and wave

I agree he didn't realise it would be a big deal to you. He's not deliberately excluding you.

But he's wrong. It IS a big deal, and it does make you feel excluded. Tell him.
There's a fine line between making him aware that this is important to you and making it all about your feelings, but it's important to try.

I'd be sad too. Explain to your DS that he has grown up with you and that it's a significant event for you too. Tell him you'd looked forward to helping him. But don't let it lapse into emotional blackmail. As others have said, you can do so much by making his favourite food the night before, organising a package of essentials for him to unpack on arrival and visiting after a few weeks, once he has settled in. All of these are really good goodbye rituals. And he'll be home for Christmas before you have the chance to say, 'The house is so tidy, clean and quiet!'

Ah, that's awful. He should have realised what it would mean to you

The people suggesting the OP doesn't help her son with packing and getting ready are being ridiculous. This sounds like a teen who hasn't realised his mum would be bothered rather than there being any deliberate slight.
His dad probably realised he was overstepping but that's his issue not the poor kid off to uni.

I understand why you're upset. I'm divorced from my dc Dad for 8 years.

Dc1 asked me to take him as he thought I'd be less embarrassing. (His Dad is extrovert and would probably strike conversations with random people)

Dc2 says when the time comes she wants me to take her. I'm the one who helped with her education (reading, time tables, revising...) so thinks that I should be the one who sees her off and she would invite her Dad after she settled in a bit. I think she understands that it's a parenting stage for me (from tv and movies perhaps) unlike her older sibling who doesn't think it's a big deal at all.

Dc3 told me that ex thinks he's taking dc2 when she goes "his turn". He hasn't corrected his Dad but he may have that shock to come. Dc3 understands dc2's thinking and has said that he would ask me too but who knows what will happen then.

Thanks everyone .. I actually cried when he messaged me which isn't me at all these days , I felt like I was a teenager getting dumped by text !

Due to the toxic relationship with the Ex I also felt it was a disrespect to me/women and promptly screwed up my comprehensive list and chucked the cardboard boxes out with the recycling and thought 'sod you then , you do it all ' ( but not so politely !) .. but maybe I am overthinking that and like others have said he's just a teenage lad wanting to get on with the next part of his life .

Having never been to Uni myself I was excited for him and feel very disappointed that I'm missing out on a big day .. there's only one first day/drop off after all BUT he does only have a hour slot and Ex lives an hour further away .. so a 2 hour drive for me is a 3 hour one for him ( also Ex is always late so I can see it being a drama all round )

The visit is a great idea but makes me feel like I've been relegated to 'aunt' status rather than his Mum

So do I dig my list out and carry on prepping or leave it to them ? I don't want to encourage DS to think it's what I think /feel is unimportant ( my Mother is raging at the age of 80yrs and wants to 'have a word' ) his fathers view on women is a low one

Try not to take it personally.

When I moved around 100 miles away for uni I only wanted my dad to take me. Mainly because I don’t get along with my mother, but also having 1 less person in the car allowed me to pack more.

During the trip there, I fell asleep as was packing all night, and we didn’t do a fancy lunch so there wasn’t much bonding. We met my school friends when we arrived, dad took us all to maccies drive thru then dropped my stuff off and left shortly after as frankly, I was really excited to meet my flat mates and settle in.

Don’t get me wrong my dad and I took photos together etc, but in that moment you don’t really want to spend lots of time with your parents. I also knew my mother would do something to embarrass me as she is really overwhelming and over steps boundaries, I could imagine her saying something nasty to one of my flat mates. Not saying you’re like that of course, but he mig just feel more comfortable with his dad.

I can get where you are coming from. But I think you need to take a deep breath and put your feelings to one side.
He might have been manipulated by his dad (I have an ex like yours).
He might be worried he won't be able to put on a brave face with you.
He might have wanted to save you a long and stressful day.

He will be really stressed about starting so if I was you I would just plan a send off meal or something with him to make a bit of an occasion.

It certainly won't be a reflection of his feelings for you /his dad, I expect there was a whole swirl of reasons and I am sure he didn't mean to be rude.

'His Dad is an extrovert and would probably strike up conversations with random people - that's exactly what happened last year when we dropped DS at Uni - all the parents ended up helping, lugging the stuff in and chatting in the kitchen .... fortunately all the students got in well and had a great evening together when the parents has left .

Not to be nasty but it’s a big day for him and him only, because it’s the first time he’s meeting his uni mates and settling in etc. It has nothing to do with you, no one wants to play drinking games with their new uni flat mates with their mum sat next to them! It’s a sentimental day for you of course, but you don’t really need to be physically present

Your son has two parents he doesn't want to disappoint, even if one is a bit shit. Will he let you visit say in a month's time? As he will have settled in then and I imagine being shown around by your student son would be a proud day all of its own