To be upset by not being on University Drop Off Duty

[teatotalling]

Name changed as this is possibly a bit outing ...

DS , after lots of A Level drama and clearing , finding accommodation etc ..has got into Uni and can move in , in three weeks time .

Me & DS Father split twelve years ago and are both remarried and Ex is currently going through a divorce , DS lived with me throughout and stayed with his Father once or twice a month , depending on his work etc
We do not have an amicable relationship at all .. history of emotional and financial abuse

Throughout the trauma of A Level Results Day his only contribution was ' hope your Mother is doing something about it '

He is currently at his Dads and messaged me today to say that he's booked his moving in slot and that his Dad will pick him up from home , we'll load all his stuff in to his car (that I have been collecting ready for him to pack) , then they'll go have lunch and go do Uni drop off
Explained that I was wanting to go (I drive and have a car ) and DS told me he didn't think it was a big thing and can't understand why I'm bothered
(It's not an option for me to go along with them )and that's it all been agreed and he can't change it now

Ex says he has a right to be there for 'all the big events' but has never shown interest in first/last days of school , school plays , Uni open days etc- just this and out of the blue

AIBU to be hurt/hacked off at being binned by DS on a milestone day or am I over reacting and need to get a grip (and just arrange to go and see him sometime instead , I'm not an emotional embarrassing mum who is going to weep in front of him !)

I think yabu. He is growing up and making his own arrangements. This is his move, not yours. He's had precious little from his Dad, maybe this will be meaningful to him in some small way. Maybe he thought it's about time his dad did something and did some parenting. He is not taking anything away from you in his head, but you are at risk of putting emotional guilt on him. In my head I was going to be outside the gates and first to hear what dds GCSE results were. But then I listened to what she wanted which was to play it cool and go with friends. She's on her way. So is your son. Do something nice with him before he goes.

My mum dropped me off at uni but I was so overwhelmed I can't really remember her presence. My dad on the other hand would come and visit when nearby for work and I have happy memories of meeting him for lunch it really doesn't need to be a big deal.

@teatotalling

Thanks everyone .. I actually cried when he messaged me which isn't me at all these days , I felt like I was a teenager getting dumped by text !

Due to the toxic relationship with the Ex I also felt it was a disrespect to me/women and promptly screwed up my comprehensive list and chucked the cardboard boxes out with the recycling and thought 'sod you then , you do it all ' ( but not so politely !) .. but maybe I am overthinking that and like others have said he's just a teenage lad wanting to get on with the next part of his life .

Having never been to Uni myself I was excited for him and feel very disappointed that I'm missing out on a big day .. there's only one first day/drop off after all BUT he does only have a hour slot and Ex lives an hour further away .. so a 2 hour drive for me is a 3 hour one for him ( also Ex is always late so I can see it being a drama all round )

The visit is a great idea but makes me feel like I've been relegated to 'aunt' status rather than his Mum

So do I dig my list out and carry on prepping or leave it to them ? I don't want to encourage DS to think it's what I think /feel is unimportant ( my Mother is raging at the age of 80yrs and wants to 'have a word' ) his fathers view on women is a low one

Dig the list out, don't make this into a slight that it isn't from your son. Don't let your ex win because if you throw your toys out of the pram and cause an issue, he'll think he had. Smile and get stuck in and show the ex you give no shits about his grandstanding.

I totally get why you're upset - can you turn it around and tell yourself that your son clearly thinks moving out isn't going to have a huge impact on his relationship with you, which is why he doesn't think it's a big deal? Might help!

Also he should be doing all the planning and packing himself!! Christ that was one of the best bits when I went ha. Input to ensure he doesn't arrive without a duvet or anything silly is obviously not a bad plan, but he should be getting himself sorted - he's about to live independently! (I do understand things were chaotic with clearing so I can see why you kicked stuff off, but hand it over now)

You honestly won't miss much - don't build it up as being this big emotional moment that you'll miss out on, because it really won't be anything like that.

My parents drove me up, helped me lug my stuff upstairs and then had to go. They couldn't hang around as they needed to move the car and get back home again. With COVID I imagine there'll be even less opportunity for parents to mill around, and I suspect he'll just want to get you out of there so he can meet his flatmates and get drunk!

Help him back and take him for a nice meal and a drink beforehand, and maybe get a food shop or something delivered for him once he's settled in and got through the madness of Freshers'.

Yanbu

If it were me I would be explaining why it made me upset to my son and hoping once he understood there would be a change of plan

It's a slap in the face tbh

He's an adult, he wants to do it without you. So let him.

Put your list away. Don't pack, don't get involved. Let him come to you to ASK for help. When he does, explain you were hurt, so thought you'd leave it to him.

You no longer need to cover for his Dad, so when he's late, say - yes, he's always been that way. That he never wanted to be involved before so can't understand why he's decided to be now.

If he forgets stuff, drive it up later and take him out for a meal.

Take a BIG step back.

Honestly, a visit once your DS has settled in will be much nicer and you won't feel like the visiting aunt (although nothing wrong with that) .. we've made a couple of visits to our DS at Uni (sadly first year cut short due to Lockdown), my DH would be working so I spent time alone with DS & he loved showing me round the city, his favourite shops & restaurants etc.

So do I dig my list out and carry on prepping or leave it to them ? I don't want to encourage DS to think it's what I think /feel is unimportant ( my Mother is raging at the age of 80yrs and wants to 'have a word' ) his fathers view on women is a low one

He's old enough to hear that you're disappointed by his decision (crying would be too much but think of it like talking to an adult friend) . Give ds the list and he can organize things with his Dad. If your son is like mine he'll have a list of stuff that he'll want from his room after a week or two and you can rock up with his care package like superwoman.

This takes me back to when I left home for university many years ago. My 18 year self didn´t understand why it was a big deal for my Mum at all. Of course now I understand exactly why it meant so much to her. Your son is just being a clueless teen. I think either you can sit down and explain to him why it is so important for you, or else agree to go down and see him in a couple of weeks´ time.

I live opposite a student halls of residence, and see all the comings and goings at the start and end of terms. Tbh, the day the students arrive is manic and stressful. The supermarket is full of moody teens and fractious parents trying to get everything done inside a few short hours. It doesn´t look like a great day in anyone´s life. Maybe going down in a week or two would be more enjoyable and relaxing for you both?

Yes, it's hurtful, but I don't suppose your ds has realised how important it feels to you. Chin up and make the best of it.

As another poster said it will be a drop and run. Arrange to go up for a weekend 6 weeks later when he will want feeding!

There's some good advice on here OP. Most of us understand your hurt but the advice to avoid emotional blackmail is spot on. He may have found it impossible to say no when put on the spot by his father?
I'd continue to to help /make lists - that's what good parents do. I'd have my feelings well under control around him and your ex - don't let them see you're upset. You want to ensure that DS won't hesitate to contact you in the unlikely event of anything going wrong and for him to feel positive about you visiting rather than wondering whether you'll be upset or cross.
But for your legitimate upset.

With regards to lists, there's plenty of them online and he can always buy stuff if he finds that he needs them later. I think the pp advice that you treat him like an adult and wait for him to ask you questions is the adult way to treat him.

You won't miss much :-)

As soon as we arrived and the boot was empty, ours just wanted Home Taxi Services to GO AWAY, leave, goodbyeeee. They could hardly wait to get rid of us so they could get started on student life.

I'm torn on this.

My dd is going to uni this year- her moving in slot is such a short window, and it will be mayhem. Her dad and I are both going, but only one of us is allowed in at a time. I'm not sure how its going to work to be honest. It may be a complete mess.

If you go slightly later ( a week or so) then he can properly show you around, and spend more time.

I'd be really hurt too though.

@2bazookas

You won't miss much :-)

As soon as we arrived and the boot was empty, ours just wanted Home Taxi Services to GO AWAY, leave, goodbyeeee. They could hardly wait to get rid of us so they could get started on student life.

That's quite bratty, tbh, and not universal at all.

I really feel for you and it is no wonder as the one who has always been there and supported him through everything you feel this way.
It is a big deal for you to be part of this and I can understand you now feel excluded.
Luckily I got to take both of mine to uni and help settle them in, instead of waving them off at the door while the ex drove off. One was a 4 hour drive both ways, done in one day and whilst I was not looking forward to the drive I would not have missed it for the world.
Your ex sounds like mine, never around for the hard work but wants all the glory.
I think you should point out how disappointed you feel. A lot of the time you do in fact have to bite your tongue, I am not sure this one is one of them.

This is the same thing that happened when I went to uni. I'm fully aware my dad has done very little in my life and appreciate everything my mum has done. Dad was there for one parents evening, uni drop off and graduation. That's it.
But he didn't cry when he dropped me off or try to talk to the other students.

And it is honestly a pretty shit day, he doesn't know his way round, he cant tell you anything, everyone on campus is bust moving them in. You literally carry their stuff to their room and leave.

Go up in a few weeks when he's got something to tell you and knows people and the campus better and you'll have a lovely time. Let his dad do the crap grafting for once.

You honestly won't be missing much, as has been indicated. It's all a big rush and you can do without the stress!

My usual advice to parents in this position, having been there myself with the eager DC and grumpy ex etc, is to let'em get on with it.
Nobody wants to snub you, they're just being blokey.

Someone will be collecting DS and dropping him off many times over the next few years and the novelty wears off. The ex will soon be happy to dump it all on you!

I know, it's DS's first day and you want to send him off properly, but it's honestly not worth getting upset about.

On the day you can do everything right - be full of smiles, have DS's property packed ready to take, give him a brisk hug and tell him 'Bon chance, mon brave!' and wave him off enthusiastically. You will be SO dignified.

I did all that a few times and was secretly proud of how cool I looked.
You can do that too.

If you do go for a visit after a bit, we found with ours that it helped them to keep an eye open for somewhere to go for "lunch with parent" while they were settling in to a new town. Subsequent visits then became a sort of ritual of trying different places, and good fun/something new to talk about.

Agree with others that it really isn't a slight on you and that it probably wouldn't have been the lovely milestone day together that you had planned in your head.

I do feel for you with the shitty ex who just steps in for the easy/convenient bits and doesn't do any of the grunt work. My dad was like that. I did take advantage of it and I probably unwittingly slighted my mum from time to time. I did know he was useless compared to my mum, I just thought I should get what I could I out of him.

And congratulations on bringing up your son, getting him into uni and setting him on the right track for a successful life - it's a hard job.

There won’t be much to miss - it will be fast and you might find it more upsetting being there and not being able to actually settle him in.

One thing which might help you reframe how you feel about it. For you, undoubtedly this is an ending, a full stop at the end of the journey you’ve taken in bringing him to adulthood. So it’s the last chance to mark something this way.

For your son, it’s not an end but a beginning. The first day of a three-year period. For him, it’s not the last chance he’ll have to do something with you, but the first opportunity during his uni years. Make plans now to go and see him soon, when he’s unpacked and settled and he can show you around his new life. It’ll be the first time you see him taking his place in the adult world. And a lot more rewarding than hurriedly working out where he’s going to keep his pants.

First thing I thought was "hang on a minute, your exH hasn't actually taken your DS to Uni yet. There's still plenty of time for the car to coffcoff break down or your ex to say "oh, is it Tuesday? Could have sworn you said Thursday. No can't do Tuesday....." and Supermum will have to dive in.

If you don’t pack the stuff up, the asshole ex is liable to want to go into your house to ‘help’. Don’t give him that opportunity. Unfortunately I don’t think you’ll win this one and if he’s as bug as an asshole as you suggest, he’ll probably end up embarrassing your son, so just calm down and let them get on with it. Anyway, it’s bloody hard work! Let them get on with it.