Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by not being on University Drop Off Duty

294 replies

teatotalling · 26/08/2020 17:38

Name changed as this is possibly a bit outing ...

DS , after lots of A Level drama and clearing , finding accommodation etc ..has got into Uni and can move in , in three weeks time .

Me & DS Father split twelve years ago and are both remarried and Ex is currently going through a divorce , DS lived with me throughout and stayed with his Father once or twice a month , depending on his work etc
We do not have an amicable relationship at all .. history of emotional and financial abuse

Throughout the trauma of A Level Results Day his only contribution was ' hope your Mother is doing something about it '

He is currently at his Dads and messaged me today to say that he's booked his moving in slot and that his Dad will pick him up from home , we'll load all his stuff in to his car (that I have been collecting ready for him to pack) , then they'll go have lunch and go do Uni drop off
Explained that I was wanting to go (I drive and have a car ) and DS told me he didn't think it was a big thing and can't understand why I'm bothered
(It's not an option for me to go along with them )and that's it all been agreed and he can't change it now

Ex says he has a right to be there for 'all the big events' but has never shown interest in first/last days of school , school plays , Uni open days etc- just this and out of the blue

AIBU to be hurt/hacked off at being binned by DS on a milestone day or am I over reacting and need to get a grip Grin(and just arrange to go and see him sometime instead , I'm not an emotional embarrassing mum who is going to weep in front of him !)

OP posts:
mrpumblechook · 27/08/2020 13:38

@FizzyGreenWater

Hmm

try re-reading.

I was inferring that if the Dad is left to do the grunt work, it's likely that OP's son will end up getting a far less nice food shop than if his mum had done it. Because his Dad has proven time and time again that he doesn't give much of a shit, but likes the glory. So if the son gets to see that first hand, it's not a bad life lesson.

So he should have much less good food so he can have a "life lesson" that his dad doesn't give much of a shit about him.Hmm
FizzyGreenWater · 27/08/2020 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GCAcademic · 27/08/2020 13:43

And there speaks the mother of the future useless DH who expects his wife to wait hand and foot and is astonished to hear that he's jointly responsible for the shitwork.

Oh, absolutely. This thread has been an eye-opener. I've often wondered why there seem to be so many men have no regard for anyone but themselves and who behave so shittily in relationships. That will be thanks to the kind of parenting that says that the OP's son's tactlessness should be rewarded with care packages, all his stuff bought for him, and a lovely dinner on the table before being waved off by a smiling mum who must at all costs avoid letting him know that she has feelings.

vagoftheday · 27/08/2020 13:46

I hope his dad does come through and take him now. It doesn't matter if you're 8 or 18, it's shitty when you're reminded that a parent doesn't care enough to be there.
I wonder if that's why he said yes when dad offered to take him. Kids who've been let down tend to take any scraps of attention that are offered.

Onesipmore · 27/08/2020 13:48

Both parents can go, one just has to wait in the car and the swap over. I think as pp have said your DS should have realised it was a big deal to you. It would have been for me too x

mrpumblechook · 27/08/2020 13:53

@Onesipmore

Both parents can go, one just has to wait in the car and the swap over. I think as pp have said your DS should have realised it was a big deal to you. It would have been for me too x
I disagree. It's not a big deal for everybody. I certainly didn't see it that way when I was 18 or even when my own DD went to university. It is just a day of driving and moving stuff from the car to hall the residence. I don't see why the DS would realise his mother would want to do it.
Skyr2 · 27/08/2020 14:29

We had a 7 hour drive there to drop off and both did 1st year drop but all drops and pick ups In years since have been just DH.

I will say the drive home After that 1st drop was the loneliest ever and I burst into tears when I left, do not underestimate how hard it is that first time. Ironically I remember my own mother crying when she left me at uni and thinking she was silly ! Little did I know.

In hindsight I added nothing to drop off and I think if you can visit once he is there and has settled in you can have a much more relaxed and better visit as drop of is all stress, worry and angst.

AlmostAlwyn · 27/08/2020 14:38

With the history of lateness and the subsequent uncertainty of even getting the day off, I bet you'll get to do the uni run after all, OP.

FinallyHere · 27/08/2020 14:41

Have had a message from Ex saying he's now not sure he can get the day off but he'll let me know as soon as he knows hmm

Predictable.

There was also something about a three hour drive, 30min slot and EX always being late that made me think that there are lots of potential life lessons for your DS here.

As almost everyone has said, the moving in is nothing really especially this year. I wish I could show you a video so you could actually see if. Cars everywhere, stuff being carried and rush, rush, rush.

Much , much better to visit in a couple of weeks, when he knows what he has forgotten.

Oh, and make it your business to find out how tickets for graduation are allocated. That's the one with the photos and everything, it's the event you really don't want to miss.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 27/08/2020 14:52

'And there speaks the mother of the future useless DH who expects his wife to wait hand and foot and is astonished to hear that he's jointly responsible for the shitwork. Feel free to browse the eleventy billion threads on it! Good parents teach independence.'

This was never about teaching anyone independence. This was a mother who had planned all along to 'wait hand and foot' on her son but had her nose put out of joint so was having a sulk.

The ex does sound crap, that isn't the ds's fault.

Good parents don't project their feelings about their ex on their DC either but many do. There's 'eleventy billion' threads on that too

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 27/08/2020 15:09

I would tell Ex he'll have to sort it as he made a commitment and you can't drop everything on your end to cover for him. Not your job; you do enough.

mrpumblechook · 27/08/2020 15:11

@GetOffYourHighHorse

'And there speaks the mother of the future useless DH who expects his wife to wait hand and foot and is astonished to hear that he's jointly responsible for the shitwork. Feel free to browse the eleventy billion threads on it! Good parents teach independence.'

This was never about teaching anyone independence. This was a mother who had planned all along to 'wait hand and foot' on her son but had her nose put out of joint so was having a sulk.

The ex does sound crap, that isn't the ds's fault.

Good parents don't project their feelings about their ex on their DC either but many do. There's 'eleventy billion' threads on that too

I agree. Some of the posts on here are so childish. The DS has done nothing wrong and making him suffer to get at the ex is pathetic.
senua · 27/08/2020 15:27

Have had a message from Ex saying he's now not sure he can get the day off but he'll let me know as soon as he knows
Why is he messaging you? Surely the matter is between the two menfolk now; you were managed out.
Wait for DS to come to you to broach the subject. Resist the urge to make it all better for him.

forrestgreen · 27/08/2020 15:31

Tell ex you've booked a holiday now you're not needed so he needs to organise it with ds

forrestgreen · 27/08/2020 15:32

And don't be telling ds about ex, just say ex needs to talk to you about moving day. Your days of protecting him from ex's behaviour are over

SausageCrush · 27/08/2020 15:32

I feel your pain OP.

My DS is leaving soon to start his third year.

The day he left for his first day it was just him and his DF.

I was feeling sad and emotional (and trying to hide it), but the thing I remember most about that day was the big smile he had on his face until he left home. It made me feel better (and worse!)

I thoroughly recommend you visit in a few weeks, get him to show you around, take him out for a meal, etc.

Good luck Thanks

senua · 27/08/2020 15:39

And don't be telling ds about ex, just say ex needs to talk to you about moving day.
Too right. Everyone knows that it is the messenger who gets shot for bad news.
Let XH tell him about the let-down!

Original poster
teatotalling · 27/08/2020 15:41

@senua I didn't reply to that message and got another a while after saying 'it's okay don't worry I've managed to get the day off now' Hmm its all game playing aimed to wind me up to react

OP posts:
Endogal · 27/08/2020 15:49

I can totally see why you'd be upset, however coming from the perspective of a young adult with separated parents I wouldn't take it personally- I mean this in the nicest way possible this is his day, it's really not about you.

Yes your DH sounds like an utter see you next tuesday, however surely since it was so long ago your son wasnt privy to the gory details? Even if he was, its complex... you have a right to feel how you do but he also has a right to want to foster a relationship with his father- regardless of what had happened in the past... maybe this is his way of doing that?

I really do see why youre upset but you have to think about the impact essentially lashing out like some have suggested would have on him and what you'd actually be hoping to achieve. Would you want him to chose you out of guilt? The ins and outs of your separation should not be put onto any child (I say child i also mean adult children of people who are/ have separated).

Yes you had to carry most of the buck- thats not fair but also your son didn't ask to be born, and thats not his fault. His dads lack of involvement in other things growing up will have been apparent to him- maybe this is why he wants him to be more involved in this? Please consider how your son may be feeling about this before putting your feelings onto him.

crumpet · 27/08/2020 16:07

I understand that you feel upset, it is a big milestone.

However don’t spoil it for him. This is a massive change in his life and if at all possible should begin on a positive note. I get that you might have assumed that you’d be the one to take him, but the end of August is getting a bit late to have not discussed the arrangements at all. Probably allowed for a conversation on the lines of “how are you getting to uni?” “Dunno” “no problem I’ll take you”. With ds having no clue as to how you might have felt.

Deep breath, big smile, and go shortly after term starts so he can show you everything (which he won’t know on the day of arrival)

Original poster
teatotalling · 27/08/2020 16:52

@crumpet yeah I get it , it's not about me
I'm miffed but I'll deal with it

DS didn't get his first or insurance place , we had to wrangle with revised grades , then clearing .. then he decided he wasn't going this year .. to a turnaround when his first choice offered him a place after all .. to trying to find accommodation at a late date .. it was all confirmed in the last week .

There was a conversation about booking slots and the best day , we talked about the fact I was free etc .. then he went to his Dads and messaged me saying he'd booked the slot and his Dad was taking him 🤷🏼‍♀️ his choice - I was miffed probably over emotional

OP posts:
MumW · 27/08/2020 17:07

Don't forget that the first shopping list needs to include large packs of everything, at least 100 disposable masks and gloves, large bottle hand sanitiser, large bottle of most expensive washing powder, large quantity of antibacterial wipes/floor wipes, large crate of beer (to aid making friends).....

Hope you're treating yourself to a spa day or whatever, whilst ex is busy navigating the uni drop off and the mahoosive grocery shop!

Annasgirl · 27/08/2020 17:21

@GCAcademic

And there speaks the mother of the future useless DH who expects his wife to wait hand and foot and is astonished to hear that he's jointly responsible for the shitwork.

Oh, absolutely. This thread has been an eye-opener. I've often wondered why there seem to be so many men have no regard for anyone but themselves and who behave so shittily in relationships. That will be thanks to the kind of parenting that says that the OP's son's tactlessness should be rewarded with care packages, all his stuff bought for him, and a lovely dinner on the table before being waved off by a smiling mum who must at all costs avoid letting him know that she has feelings.

Yes, there are a number of us who keep pointing this out. I think we are more used to the Feminism board.
Bubblebu · 27/08/2020 17:31

"I didn't reply to that message and got another a while after saying 'it's okay don't worry I've managed to get the day off now' hmm its all game playing aimed to wind me up to react"

the above is exactly what my exH would (and does) do to me. Its a power trip.

TatianaBis · 27/08/2020 17:37

@GCAcademic

And there speaks the mother of the future useless DH who expects his wife to wait hand and foot and is astonished to hear that he's jointly responsible for the shitwork.

Oh, absolutely. This thread has been an eye-opener. I've often wondered why there seem to be so many men have no regard for anyone but themselves and who behave so shittily in relationships. That will be thanks to the kind of parenting that says that the OP's son's tactlessness should be rewarded with care packages, all his stuff bought for him, and a lovely dinner on the table before being waved off by a smiling mum who must at all costs avoid letting him know that she has feelings.

The idea that the son is tactless for accepting a lift is needy, over sensitive and over invested. If anyone needs to learn independence on this thread, it’s apparently mothers.

If good parenting teaches independence it means that DS free to go off to uni however which way he wants, he’s free to make a choice to accept his dad’s random offer without the mothers of the thread having a teary nervous breakdowns over it.

Provisioning is part of the over-mothering, I don’t disagree with that, but the idea that accepting a lift indicates a man who will behave ‘shittily’ in relationships, is frankly batshit.

It’s not feminist it’s just bananas.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.