To be upset by not being on University Drop Off Duty

[teatotalling]

Name changed as this is possibly a bit outing ...

DS , after lots of A Level drama and clearing , finding accommodation etc ..has got into Uni and can move in , in three weeks time .

Me & DS Father split twelve years ago and are both remarried and Ex is currently going through a divorce , DS lived with me throughout and stayed with his Father once or twice a month , depending on his work etc
We do not have an amicable relationship at all .. history of emotional and financial abuse

Throughout the trauma of A Level Results Day his only contribution was ' hope your Mother is doing something about it '

He is currently at his Dads and messaged me today to say that he's booked his moving in slot and that his Dad will pick him up from home , we'll load all his stuff in to his car (that I have been collecting ready for him to pack) , then they'll go have lunch and go do Uni drop off
Explained that I was wanting to go (I drive and have a car ) and DS told me he didn't think it was a big thing and can't understand why I'm bothered
(It's not an option for me to go along with them )and that's it all been agreed and he can't change it now

Ex says he has a right to be there for 'all the big events' but has never shown interest in first/last days of school , school plays , Uni open days etc- just this and out of the blue

AIBU to be hurt/hacked off at being binned by DS on a milestone day or am I over reacting and need to get a grip (and just arrange to go and see him sometime instead , I'm not an emotional embarrassing mum who is going to weep in front of him !)

And tbh if they don't get it all I'm sure ds can use amazon or home bargains

Completely understand this. I have smiled through many similar events that have hurt me profoundly, because the DC are my priority but have cried a lot in private over the disappointment.
Sorry no advice -but you are not alone - lots of us with you on this!

I have worked in universities and at drop off weekends. I think it's quite anti climactic for parents as we're in such a rush to get 100s of students unloaded in a short window of time.

But I understand your feelings. Just remember it's not a competition for your son's affection (and if it was sounds like you'd win hands down).

The only thing he’ll have on his mind on moving in day is getting amongst people his own age and making new friends. Am sure the ex will be dismissed pretty rapidly once they are there. I have a great relationship with my DC but once I had deposited half her bedroom in to her uni room, it was pretty evident she didn’t want me around, so there is very little to miss out on. Maybe have a visit a few weeks in or get a supermarket shop delivered to him

OP are you worried about empty nest syndrome? Because I dont blame you if you are. Is your son your only child or first born?

And only once your son becomes a father himself and looks back on this will he realise why it was so important to you

At some point, you will give him a kiss, a big hug, wish him luck and wave him off.
Does it really make any difference if it is at your front door or at his? You will still have that moment wherever it takes place.
You are saved a long drive and lots of heavy lifting. Not an issue to me.
My son drove himself to uni and says he grew up in that journey, it was his rite of passage.
And like a PP suggested, I sent him off with a box of cakes for sharing with his new flatmates, as an icebreaker and a comfort food supply.
That drop off moment was as nothing compared to graduation! Just you wait for that!

Go slash your ex's tyres the night before; problem solved.

I can totally see why you are upset . TBH with you I very much doubt your son thought much about it especially if ambushed by his father . If it is anything like the drop offs I have done it is all very regimented - you pull up the car and you have so long to get stuff out and that was pre Covid . I imagine there are even more restrictions currently eg about you going in to see room etc . As someone else said go in a couple of weekends and do the fun stuff with this but YES I get why you are gutted .

' I've sent him the list and told him what I've already got and suggested the rest should be sorted out with his Dad (and paid for by him too). DS apologised for 'not thinking' and asked if I could get the list stuff as thats 'difficult' for his Dad to do , I've said they should do it together that's half the battle of the event , you can't cherry pick the 'not so difficult' bits'

Oh get him the stuff on the list. You were going to anyway! His df is doing the 3hr journey stop being petty.

@GetOffYourHighHorse

' I've sent him the list and told him what I've already got and suggested the rest should be sorted out with his Dad (and paid for by him too). DS apologised for 'not thinking' and asked if I could get the list stuff as thats 'difficult' for his Dad to do , I've said they should do it together that's half the battle of the event , you can't cherry pick the 'not so difficult' bits'

Oh get him the stuff on the list. You were going to anyway! His df is doing the 3hr journey stop being petty.

Agree think about your son in this and not a battle with his father.

The chances of his dad actually following through are minimal, I would guess.

@CoddledAsAMommet

Do you know what? Your son is an adult now. So speak to him like one. 'DS, I'm really hurt that you are going to university with your Dad. I know you won't understand this, but my hurt is not dependent on you understanding it. I have put in all the work of bringing you up and helping you to become an adult, and taking you to university is the culmination of my being your mum for 18 years. Your results are your success, not mine, but I have supported you and cheered you on. Its important to me to be there.'

Force him to see you as a person, not 'a mum', because now he's an adult it's important that he sees his behaviour has an effect on the people around him. This is an important life lesson. If he's allowed to dismiss your feelings as you're his mother, then eventually he'll dismiss his future wife's feelings when SHE'S 'just a mother.' teach him to consider you. It's important.

I completely agree, @CoddledAsAMommet

DS apologised for 'not thinking' and asked if I could get the list stuff as thats 'difficult' for his Dad to do , I've said they should do it together that's half the battle of the event , you can't cherry pick the 'not so difficult' bits

But he’s still ‘not thinking’ by asking the OP to get the stuff, to save his arse of a father doing it. I think you’re right making his father responsible. Of course, you could get the stuff and when his father lets him down, you could step up on the day. Just tell him you decided last minute to get it, just in case, but didn’t want to take that job away from his father.

I think it is an important life lesson for the son. It is predictable that leaving home is important to the parent you've been living with. Surely if the DC is clever enough to get to uni he's clever enough to work that out.

The dad has a history of letting him down? OP your son is off to uni, if his dad lets him down and you pick it up, you're kicking the problem down the road again. I see you've had a chat and your DS realises he's being a bit of an arse about this. Good. That's a start.

But seriously - don't make up a special box, stop getting all the stuff. If you want to go up in a few weeks you can ask your DS what he needs, and say "yeah, i have all that already, i knew you'd forget" and have a laugh about it. I hope you're redecorating his room immediately and making it to your hobby room

I would like to add myself to the people who think you need to step back on the prep.

I know students are students but at the end of the day, old enough to be independent at uni, old enough to pack and work out what they need themselves. Nothing wrong with him saying “mum can we please go shopping for bedding” but it shouldn’t be you sorting this for him. He should be packing his suitcase and boxes. Every student gets to uni and realises they didn’t think to buy a spatula or a cheese grater or an extension cord - I went back to uni after Christmas one year and realised I had forgotten to bring my bed sheets back! Your son will be more appreciative of what you have done so far if he has to start getting his own things together.

I think you have the right to be upset. Not all students want their parents gone immediately. I realise this year will be different but certainly all me and my friends at uni would reminisce about the first day and near enough all of us were taken to lunch and to do a huge supermarket shop on that first day. Not everyone drops and runs. I don’t think YABU at all.

I’m not so sure about telling him directly, but if he asks I don’t think you are wrong in being honest. The day meant a lot to you, after all these years of doing the hard stuff for him, and even if your son was feeling torn or was just thinking practically, he has hurt his mums feelings and is coming off as ungrateful. I don’t think admitting you’re upset is making the day about you. Your love is unconditional and hopefully he knows that, but that doesn’t mean you like being dropped. And the person saying it just “blokey” - well if it was a women it would be bitchy. Part of growing up is realising that our actions have consequences. The consequence in this situation was that he had upset his mum. I was rude to my dad once at uni and the consequence was I made my own way home for Easter on the train. I think a lot of young adults realise the true extent of what their parents have done for them once they start to detach themselves. You can’t just be the saviour and not get the glory.

I wouldn’t sit him down and say outright that he’s hurt your feelings and your upset. I wouldn’t lie though. And I would take a big step back. Leave the prep and packing and organising to him now. Tell him you’ve started but it’s up to him. I would also definitely plan a visit to him in the next few weeks, and pack a box of nice things for him, a parting gift (something for his room. Boys uni rooms are normally the opposite of girls). Agree with the idea of the meal the night before. A balanced fair approach.

For the record, however he gets there, I don’t think there’s any harm in having him make his own way home some holidays. I learnt how to juggle luggage on train rides and pack sensibly. Also a step in learning not to be 100% reliant on other people to get me places. Life lessons. Assumption of lift, gone.

My last question would be is his dad reliable? Or could he be let down at the last minute? You’ll know this best, which is why I say don’t have it out with son but also don’t lie. He could be clinging to a hope.

Are you sure your ex hasn't manipulated your DS into him being there? Agree with pp who says see him in a few weeks for dinner and get him some food in.

But yes its shit. and

Hmmm not sure I'm big enough to do all the prep and wave them off tbh .. why should I ? Because I'm the woman/mum ..disregard my feelings and I'll still do all the hard work with a smile and be grateful ? Whilst Ex rolls out of bed and does the drive (and probably charges him for the fuel ) , he gets to see the flipping house that I trawled the internet to find .. he may be my one and only child but I'm not going to be a complete doormat for him (well not anymore anyway)
I protected him when he was young as I couldn't bear to see him disappointed, I've calmed the stormy waters as a teenager when he was angry when his father was dismissive of his teenage social life .. I was wrong I think to do that but I can't take it back .
Onwards and upwards .. I hope I haven't raised a son who disrespects women , I shall be keeping an eye out on that

Oh the exact same thing happened with me although I have a good relationship with ex. I think it was just lack of thought on both his and my son's part.

Ex actually hired a van which was really odd as all son had was a duvet,a suitcase and a box of kitchen stuff. He was going to Uni 4 hours away and I had really wanted to go down and see where he was living so I could at least picture it. In the end I went to visit about a month later and ended up taking some of the stuff he'd forgotten.

Whilst it hurt I genuinely don't think it was a reflection on me just a bit of thoughtlessness on both their parts. Son certainly did not see it as a big deal and I don't think it was personal.

In fact son seemed to think after his Dad had driven for 5 hours that he was just going to turn straight around and drive back without even a cup of tea! He literally saw him as a taxi service and nothing else which did amuse me. They did send photos of his house though so that was something.

OP dont get the stuff from the list. Your son is an adult now and he has made the decision (deliberately or not) to exclude you. But he is asking you to still run around for him?? That would be a no from me.

Why does it all go in the woman to do the organising. He has asked his dad to be involved in this event - he can do it all.

By all means get him a gift of nice stuff but the boring necessities, that’s a dad or son chore now

It's a shame that things planned out like this but well done for telling him how you feel and letting it go.

I agree- don't do the prep but if he has a question then offer advice like Aldi has a pots and pan set on offer, B&M is good for budget bedding etc and leave him to do the actual sorting. Thinking about what bits he needs and finding the best place to buy it is a good lesson in being an adult.

For Gods sake Op is not being petty! Single mum who has done all the hard graft, stood by her son, protected him, already spent a small fortune gathering things he needs and is now petty for not buying the last things? Get a grip!

Like I say OP, step back. It’s up to your son now. Plenty of students have to sort themselves out before going, your son can to.

OP, my DS has said the same. He doesn't see XH much, because XH is so difficult. I was all set to take him, and now I can't.

However, I'll go and see him once he's settled in. He's going to a fabulous place, so I'm going to make the most of it - see him, and also do some other nice things.

I'd rather do that, really, than drive there, dump him and his stuff, and drive back.

'already spent a small fortune gathering things he needs and is now petty for not buying the last things? Get a grip!'

But she had planned on buying the last things, now she's sulking and is making some kind of point.

It's a shame that separated parents do stuff like this. It should be about the son going to uni not past grievances with the ex.

@NeverTwerkNaked

I can get where you are coming from. But I think you need to take a deep breath and put your feelings to one side. He might have been manipulated by his dad (I have an ex like yours). He might be worried he won't be able to put on a brave face with you. He might have wanted to save you a long and stressful day.

He will be really stressed about starting so if I was you I would just plan a send off meal or something with him to make a bit of an occasion.

It certainly won't be a reflection of his feelings for you /his dad, I expect there was a whole swirl of reasons and I am sure he didn't mean to be rude.

I totally agree with this.

It’s stressful enough moving from home to uni and having to fend for yourself.
I disagree with other posters who have said to tell your son how you feel slighted... that’s going to stress him even more.

Try and be the bigger person. Let your son and your ex have their day. Weep into a pillow and then get on with your life. You’ll most likely be the parent that he turns to for advice etc...

You say that you did all the first/last days , uni visits etc... maybe you did all the school plays, fairs , parents’ evenings etc... your ex didn’t and now he’s stepped up.
Make sure your ex does the first supermarket shop after they get there. It will be eye wateringly expensive. (It’s amazing how much stuff your son will have forgotten that he needs and supermarkets near unis KNOW this!)