To be upset by not being on University Drop Off Duty

[teatotalling]

Name changed as this is possibly a bit outing ...

DS , after lots of A Level drama and clearing , finding accommodation etc ..has got into Uni and can move in , in three weeks time .

Me & DS Father split twelve years ago and are both remarried and Ex is currently going through a divorce , DS lived with me throughout and stayed with his Father once or twice a month , depending on his work etc
We do not have an amicable relationship at all .. history of emotional and financial abuse

Throughout the trauma of A Level Results Day his only contribution was ' hope your Mother is doing something about it '

He is currently at his Dads and messaged me today to say that he's booked his moving in slot and that his Dad will pick him up from home , we'll load all his stuff in to his car (that I have been collecting ready for him to pack) , then they'll go have lunch and go do Uni drop off
Explained that I was wanting to go (I drive and have a car ) and DS told me he didn't think it was a big thing and can't understand why I'm bothered
(It's not an option for me to go along with them )and that's it all been agreed and he can't change it now

Ex says he has a right to be there for 'all the big events' but has never shown interest in first/last days of school , school plays , Uni open days etc- just this and out of the blue

AIBU to be hurt/hacked off at being binned by DS on a milestone day or am I over reacting and need to get a grip (and just arrange to go and see him sometime instead , I'm not an emotional embarrassing mum who is going to weep in front of him !)

I'd be hurt but don't sour things.
It really sounds to be a frantic drop off.
Your son may be thing if mum is there I will cry/ dad has a bigger boot etc. Or as others say not thinking at all.

I don't recall my drop off except meeting the others in my accommodation. I do re all the visits and pub lunches with my dad on a Sunday when he'd make sure I was fed (and several housemates). They are good memories.

These kind of threads make me feel old , I was waved off at the train station and that was that and I don’t think I was unusual.
I would forget it and as has been suggested have a nice meal with him before he leaves.

OP I was in a similar situation to your son, in terms of having 2 divorced parents and events like this being a nightmare! I don’t know your full history with your ex, but have you considered that it is important to your son to have a relationship with his dad, and having a life event that his dad has offered to be involved with is a big deal? Like he knows you will be there for him, he doesn’t get the same opportunity with his dad very often, I think you need to be understanding that this might be a thing where he can genuinely connect to his dad—a “becoming a man” moment where they can find common ground.
Doesn’t mean he loves you any less or wouldn’t want you there, it sounds like this is something you should celebrate for him. Make a plan with him before he goes, for a proper visit 2 weeks later for some quality time.
Please don’t start telling your son how much this hurts you, he’s probably a lot more sensitive than you realise to the dynamics between his parents. He deserves to start adulthood guilt free and happy.

You’re an awesome mom, celebrate that and know you’re really not missing anything much. Plus a moment where heavy carrying is needed is probably a good one for him to take!

I'm sure he isn't doing it on purpose, but I would feel very put out too.

I remember how I felt when we dropped DD1 off at Warwick back in 2013. Emotional, yes. I also managed not to be that embarrassing parent. I held it together as we said goodbye and managed not to dissolve into tears until we had left and were back on the motorway going home (DH was driving, thankfully).

I think they perhaps don't fully appreciate that it is as much of a rite of passage for us as their parents as it is for them as new students, and in the case of your DS, he can only choose one of you. So it must be even more difficult.

I see no harm in him knowing that this has hurt you, but at the same time I don't see a solution. Would he also have hurt his Dad if he had chosen to go with you, or is his Dad not really bothered and party doing this to get at you?

Whatever happens, a handhold from me. Wish DS well and make an opportunity to go up and visit him in a few weeks once he is settled. Stay in a nearby hotel so that you can take him out for a meal.

Dropping "your baby" off at Uni for the first time is a bigger deal for us than it is for them. I've done it with two children and was a mess both times. It's really a rite of passage for parents, as well. I mean, you're leaving them to live a life that's separate from you after they've been your focus since you were pregnant. That's not a small adjustment for us. The idea of letting your ex do all of the heavy lifting (including loading the car) is a great one. Help your son pack and organize and then let the men get on with it. Visit in a couple of weeks when you can really enjoy your time with him. Moving in is a lot of work...Just a thought, your son is probably clued in to the fact that you might be a bit more emotional than his dad and doesn't want to deal with both his (your son's) emotions and yours on move-in day. Dads generally are a little better about that than we are. In my experience, the kids really can't wait for their parents to leave so they can start their new chapter. I promise you that it will be easier the next time...I told my partner to lock the car doors after the final load was taken from the car after that first Winter Break in case she changed her mind!

I know how you feel. My dh took DS a couple of years ago, partly because there was no room in the car for me! I wanted to see where he was living, help him buy stuff, meet his roommates etc and help him settle.

However, you’ll have to be the bigger person. You can be mum by helping prepare and buy all the stuff.

Maybe DS wants ex-Dh to go because he feels it will be less emotional for him, and he’ll know how difficult it will be to say goodbye to you.

Honestly, this is really rubbish and I really feel for you and I’d be hurt too. If your ds is anything like mine he really won’t realise how hurt you are. But having done two uni drop offs for my two I’d say that it’s really hard work and all a bit of a faff to be fair. Not a fun day at all. It’s a struggle to park near as everyone is there vying for space and there’s a lot of carrying and to-ing and fro-ing with heavy boxes and stuff.
Why not make arrangements with your ds to go over the following weekend when he’s settled in and have a nice lunch with him and check his place out and do any final bits and pieces with him.
I know it’s not the same but it would be a much calmer and enjoyable IMHO.
Big hugs x

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

My ex H did something similar to me at the end of my DD's primary school year 6.

He never really helps with my children's upbringing but at DD's leavers assembly (which I kind of saw as a big life event for her) there he was with his new wife and baby attending the leavers assembly. And like you our divorce was so acrimonious and toxic, because he attended that meant I could not.

I was very emotional and upset and so I can definitely see where you are coming from.

Having had the rite of passage of taking my DS to uni, I don’t think YABU.

Even if it is hectic and hard work, it is just nice to see their room, maybe meet flat mates (or maybe not in current climate) and start their new life. I would have been very unhappy to miss it.

I think you should calmly point out to your DS that, having done all the hard work of bringing him up, plus the stress of Results day, you feel very disappointed that he has chosen to share this momentous trip with his dad rather than you. Ask him if he thinks it’s fair to you, when you have put the “leg” work in for many years.

I certainly wouldn’t be buying or paying for any of this moving in stuff, let his dad get it.

Who is financing his uni life, will you have to contribute towards maintenance loan, will his dad be giving him anything? Maybe again point out that he is still reliant on you financially (if indeed he is!).

Oh that's crap, I'd be gutted too. I've also been seperated from DS's Dad for many years and he's never bothered with any school events. I'd be telling him where to go when it came to this, TBH I'd be telling DS how upset I was too. You've done the hard graft, supported your son through everything. He doesn't get to do the main event! I'd say he's welcome to join in, but you are taking him

Why not make arrangements with your ds to go over the following weekend when he’s settled in and have a nice lunch with him and check his place out and do any final bits and pieces with him.

As someone in their early 20s that recently graduated, this would be preferable. It would be much more calmer and enjoyable for both parties. Knowing students, there will probably be last minute items he needs and would probably be really thankful for your car eg IKEA. You can do some sightseeing together and he can take you on a tour. Whereas on moving day it will be hectic and you won’t spend much time together whilst there.

Totally reasonable to be gutted, but I would try and reframe it.

Your poor son has been lumbered with a crap dad who took no interest in any of the big deal things in his life. For some reason his dad has decided to poach this one from you, but that means that your son gets to have a memory of his dad being present and involved in something, which is a nice thing for him to be able to have. It doesn't diminish your role as his proper-been-there-through-everything parent.

Also, yes to all those pointing out that it's actually a bit of a rubbish thing to do - traffic, lugging boxes, and then having to scarper because they want to meet their new friends. Get him to send you a picture of his room and then suggest a day in a couple of weeks time when you can come up and take him out to dinner and get some shopping in. Honestly, it'll be more special and not all an 'aunt' role. His dad may never visit him there again - you can go every month or so.

@CoddledAsAMommet

Do you know what? Your son is an adult now. So speak to him like one. 'DS, I'm really hurt that you are going to university with your Dad. I know you won't understand this, but my hurt is not dependent on you understanding it. I have put in all the work of bringing you up and helping you to become an adult, and taking you to university is the culmination of my being your mum for 18 years. Your results are your success, not mine, but I have supported you and cheered you on. Its important to me to be there.'

Force him to see you as a person, not 'a mum', because now he's an adult it's important that he sees his behaviour has an effect on the people around him. This is an important life lesson. If he's allowed to dismiss your feelings as you're his mother, then eventually he'll dismiss his future wife's feelings when SHE'S 'just a mother.' teach him to consider you. It's important.

Agree with this. He's not too young to learn that other people have feelings. I would definitely say something to him, otherwise you may well find yourself in a similar situation when graduation comes around, and the two tickets go to his dad and new wife.

Why should you pretend it doesn't matter? It does matter!
And yes, it will be rushed and hectic but it's still important. Tell him how you feel; there doesn't have to be emotional blackmail involved. If his father's view of women is so dreadful here's an ideal opportunity to show him that you are a woman, you matter, and your feelings are worthy of account.
It's not as binary as shut up / you're being emotionally abusive.

Do something nice the night before maybe put a little care package in for him to find when he unpacks a bottle of booze some snacks etc and a card. (Something he will need right away obv not something so its sat there weeks)
However I would be petty-ish and say I'll say goodbye indoors I don't want your dad to see me upset then let them load the car themselves.

I guess my parents missed out on this rite of passage as I made my own way to university.

If you have to have a time slot I can’t imagine it will be much fun. As others have said I would go up when he is settled and you can have a much more relaxing time. As your Ex has been pretty useless this might be the only time he goes up so let him do the graft and you can have the fun

It sounds like your ds is secure in your love for him and knows you will 'forgive' this rejection, and that the opposite is true of his father.

He’s doing something for his son - isn’t a good thing given his record?

I doubt your son has any idea about your feelings tbh, it never occurred to take my mum with me to uni.

Another voice for go up later when he has settled in. Then you will be able to see the room as lived in by him, rather than an empty space full of boxes and with the sound of other stressed people running backwards and forwards.

On moving-in day he needs to focus on his new surroundings, meeting his new hall mates, getting his bearings, sorting out the paperwork. However much he loves you, he needs to wish you gone because he has work to do. Go up when he has done all that and can focus on you. You can take him for a nice meal, he can tell you all about it, maybe a trip to IKEA or somewhere.

Let them do all the work here, OP. It feels harsh on you but it is what it is.

I agree that he is old enough to understand why you're hurt. You need to explain it to him. What he does with that information is up to him but he needs to understand exactly what you've done for him (and how much his father has!)

I also think that he needs to sort his own list out with his Dad. You don't have to be petty about it, you can give him what you've thought of so far, but he needs to do it himself or he'll continue to take you for granted.

@CoddledAsAMommet

Why should you pretend it doesn't matter? It does matter! And yes, it will be rushed and hectic but it's still important. Tell him how you feel; there doesn't have to be emotional blackmail involved. If his father's view of women is so dreadful here's an ideal opportunity to show him that you are a woman, you matter, and your feelings are worthy of account. It's not as binary as shut up / you're being emotionally abusive.

I agree completely with this.

Also I would be very tempted to send the remaining part of the list to his dad and say. "I got most of his stuff but you'll need to get the rest of it - here's the list."

My DS2 went off to uni in 2004. He decided that he wanted his Dad to take him (we are divorced but amicable ) but wanted me to bring a few things later the same day. I think he knew it would be emotional and he didn’t want me crying. I went later, was shown his room etc, kept it together then sobbed all the way home. I was much better with DS3, he wanted me to take him, but I still had a weep on the way home.

Another voice for go up later when he has settled in. Then you will be able to see the room as lived in by him, rather than an empty space full of boxes and with the sound of other stressed people running backwards and forwards.

That depends on the university. Mine isn't allowing students to have visitors in their residences.

I found the drop off with my dc to be quite upsetting because they just wanted us to unload the car and get going asap. I found it a total anticlimax - ds had a girlfriend he wanted to see that was there already so itching for us to go, dd was desperate to get chatting to all her neighbours in hall. So we shuffled off and left them to it both times, really miserable. If I had a 3rd dc I'd probably be quite happy to put them on the train tbh and I know some parents that have done that!