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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset by not being on University Drop Off Duty

294 replies

teatotalling · 26/08/2020 17:38

Name changed as this is possibly a bit outing ...

DS , after lots of A Level drama and clearing , finding accommodation etc ..has got into Uni and can move in , in three weeks time .

Me & DS Father split twelve years ago and are both remarried and Ex is currently going through a divorce , DS lived with me throughout and stayed with his Father once or twice a month , depending on his work etc
We do not have an amicable relationship at all .. history of emotional and financial abuse

Throughout the trauma of A Level Results Day his only contribution was ' hope your Mother is doing something about it '

He is currently at his Dads and messaged me today to say that he's booked his moving in slot and that his Dad will pick him up from home , we'll load all his stuff in to his car (that I have been collecting ready for him to pack) , then they'll go have lunch and go do Uni drop off
Explained that I was wanting to go (I drive and have a car ) and DS told me he didn't think it was a big thing and can't understand why I'm bothered
(It's not an option for me to go along with them )and that's it all been agreed and he can't change it now

Ex says he has a right to be there for 'all the big events' but has never shown interest in first/last days of school , school plays , Uni open days etc- just this and out of the blue

AIBU to be hurt/hacked off at being binned by DS on a milestone day or am I over reacting and need to get a grip Grin(and just arrange to go and see him sometime instead , I'm not an emotional embarrassing mum who is going to weep in front of him !)

OP posts:
Brefugee · 26/08/2020 18:52

agree with PP who say tell him. Tell him you think it feels like a slap in the face and why.
And his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

But i still say: let him and your ex do all the prep. And don't let ex into your house on the day. There are consequences to taking your mum for granted then throwing it back in her face. (yes, bitter, it has happened to me)

corythatwas · 26/08/2020 18:53

That depends on the university. Mine isn't allowing students to have visitors in their residences.

That's true, GCAcademic and more likely than not with Covid, I suppose. Still, OP can take him out and he can show her pictures on his phone of his surroundings. And talk at a more leisurely pace.

HappyDays10101 · 26/08/2020 18:54

milestone day Seriously? Nah - that’s not a thing!

Jenasaurus · 26/08/2020 18:54

I feel for you Op, I was in a similar situation when my son started Uni. My Ex stilll lived in the family home, despite us being split and him seeing another woman. My son didnt want his dad with him in case he asked embarassing questions like he had done in the past at open days with his teachers. I remember visiting 2 of the uni choices with my DS and when he chose the one he wanted, going up with him on his first day and my Ex wasnt even aware of where he was studying as there was no communiction between my DS and his dad. Later his dad claimed he was interested but his only comment was, well if your going to uni, dont expect any money from me! (He wanted him to get a job instead) Different to your situation OP, but I would have been hurt not to go, having said that I agree with PP, its the visiting afterwards I have the best memories of and so does my son, I went up a few times with his brother and sister and that was far nicer than the first day lugging stuff around.

Thisismytimetoshine · 26/08/2020 18:56

@HappyDays10101

milestone day Seriously? Nah - that’s not a thing!
It clearly is for some people? Who are you to declare whether something has acquired "Thing" status or not?
TooLittleTooLate80 · 26/08/2020 18:57

YANBU to be upset but to him it's just not a big deal and should in no way indicate he isn't appreciative of what you have done for him. Just try and let it go.

evrey · 26/08/2020 18:58

This happened to me a few years ago with DD. Her dad and his wife took her to Uni on moving in day, after being a part timer all her life. I was a little put out but never let her know that.
Every time she comes home for the holidays I pick her up! and every time she goes back again I drop her back. Its always me she stays with when she is home. When she was very ill it was me who drove there to take care of her . Do you see the pattern ? He has literally never offered since . Only really wanted the glory.
I would pick your battles. If this were graduation then yes I would be saying fight for your place. But like other posters said its a very rushed process, and a long drive there and back if you are not going to sight see or eat out etc.

Tomatoesneedtoripen · 26/08/2020 19:00

i dont blame you at all for being upset. it is a big deal.
i would go after a few weeks and replenish his groceries, take him out for a meal, stay in an air b and b if he would prefer

RiaRoth · 26/08/2020 19:01

Absolutely do not tell him do not make this about you.

Help get him ready, carry on doing the prep and getting stuff ready. Have a fantastic meal the night before tell him how proud you are of him.

Then let him and his father get on with it the next day. Paint a happy smile on your face until they have gone.

Dropping off at Uni is horrid - you have to lug stuff up the stairs, have barely any time to speak to your son,then drive home alone miserable. Let the Exh do it.

Be the supportive mother despite what you feel inside.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 26/08/2020 19:05

YANBU.

I'd be upset with my DS and angry with ExH if this was me.

You've done all the heavy lifting. You've been there for him through the results crisis, the university applications, the holding on to a place, acquiring accommodation in the first place. And you've been helping with getting ready to go and acquiring everything he'll need. And now your ExH gets to swan in and take him to Uni? With everything I imagine you're paying for to do so?

I'd probably say exactly that to him tbh.

SweetPetrichor · 26/08/2020 19:05

You’re not missing out on much. It’s a stressful trip at the best of times, without factoring in Covid. Just wish him well and leave them to it. Waving him off as he leaves the family home is as big a step as actually dropping him off at uni.

Frangipaniflower · 26/08/2020 19:06

Why don't you go up on a Sunday in a couple of weeks and take him for lunch. The whole 'dropping off' thing is a nightmare; no parking, queueing for your slot and then your child can't wait for you to leave.

Inertia · 26/08/2020 19:07

It's completely understandable that you're hurt after everything you've done to support your son, and it's entirely likely that your son is so entirely mired in teenage self-absorption (understandably so, after the hassle associated with this year's A-level fiasco) that he doesn't get why you're upset.

The thing is, from his perspective, his crappy father, who did bugger all throughout his childhood, has finally stepped up and offered to do some parenting, so it's reasonable for your son to seize the chance.

In your shoes, though, I would arrange to be available if needed (without telling either of them - but book the time off work) on the day of the drop-off and possibly the day before, because men like your ex often have a habit of letting their children down at the last minute.

Shedpaint · 26/08/2020 19:10

I would be very hurt and I’d tell him.
Don’t see why he shouldn’t know that he’s been effectively very ungrateful- that you feel you have done the lion’s share of emotional and practical parenting and sharing this milestone with him was important to you.

I’d say I appreciate he can’t easily change it now but I wouldn’t let him off the hook with knowing he had been thoughtless

RaininSummer · 26/08/2020 19:13

I would have been upset by this too but with hindsight, you won't miss much. In my case it was a 7 hour drive in torrential rain. Lugging of many boxes whilst my hungover daughter tried to look cool for all the other newbies. Then a fairly quick hug and drive back.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 26/08/2020 19:16

@RiaRoth

Absolutely do not tell him do not make this about you.

Help get him ready, carry on doing the prep and getting stuff ready. Have a fantastic meal the night before tell him how proud you are of him.

Then let him and his father get on with it the next day. Paint a happy smile on your face until they have gone.

Dropping off at Uni is horrid - you have to lug stuff up the stairs, have barely any time to speak to your son,then drive home alone miserable. Let the Exh do it.

Be the supportive mother despite what you feel inside.

This!!!

You can be hurt op, but grin and bear it. Don't be telling him how you feel fgs. Let him get a lift off his dad just go and see him the weekend after, it'll be less chaotic anyway.

CoRhona · 26/08/2020 19:17

I am praying DH wants to take DS1 to his uni, which is over three hours' drive away - I really don't want to as the drive back will be very long and boring...

Hollyhead · 26/08/2020 19:17

I can understand why you’re hurt but I think these events are best done low key - I took a car to uni and I just packed the car and off I went! I think we over sentimentalise stuff now and it does us no good whatsoever. Plan a nice goodbye meal and tell him how proud you are etc.

nc600 · 26/08/2020 19:17

"has nothing to do with you, no one wants to play drinking games with their new uni flat mates with their mum sat next to them!"

This made me laugh 😂. Do you seriously think that freshers immediately drop everything and start playing drinking games?!

OP - I'd tell him it's a big deal to you. He's an adult.

chatterbugmegastar · 26/08/2020 19:19

Absolutely do not tell him do not make this about you.

This^

DS might already be concerned about emotions running high on drop off day, which is why he's going with his father who DS won't feel emotional about leaving

gingergiraffe · 26/08/2020 19:20

After all the love, care and support you have put into bringing up your son, don’t spoil it at the last hurdle. Do exactly as you planned and get him the stuff you listed and wave him off with a happy smile. Be proud of your achievements as a mother. He probably won’t be very communicative on the journey and humping his belongings up a few flights of stairs to his room will not be fun. Be the lovely person you have always been. Once he has had a few days away from home, he will appreciate all the things you have bought him and be full of lovely thoughts of what a great mum you are. Maybe pop up to see him in a few weeks, go out for lunch and top up his shopping. Deep down he knows who has been there for him over the years.

TrickyD · 26/08/2020 19:22

@comingintomyown

These kind of threads make me feel old , I was waved off at the train station and that was that and I don’t think I was unusual. I would forget it and as has been suggested have a nice meal with him before he leaves.
Exactly! Where has all this fuss about going away to university come from?
Porcupineinwaiting · 26/08/2020 19:26

Yes YABU. If you want to do lasting damage to your relationship then pile on the guilt tell him how hurt you are.

Moving in day is his adventure. A parents job is literally to load the car, drive, unload the car and leave as quickly as possible.

Far better imo to go visit in a month's time, let him show you around, meet his housemates etc.

jessstan2 · 26/08/2020 19:26

I don't think it is unusual for a young lad to want to be dropped off by his dad, op, honestly. It's not personal, happens all the time.

Nydj · 26/08/2020 19:27

If he’s old enough to start living semi-independently as a student, he is old enough to be told why it is import for you to do the drop off. If he insists on going ahead with his dad dropping him off then I would step back from the preparations if you are happy to do so.

To be honest, most of the things that parents do for their children to prepare them for uni is for the parents’ benefit - so they feel like they are doing something. I say this as a parent of a child who has just graduated. So if, for your emotional well being, you need to do some prep work for him then go ahead and do it.

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