To be upset by not being on University Drop Off Duty

[teatotalling]

Name changed as this is possibly a bit outing ...

DS , after lots of A Level drama and clearing , finding accommodation etc ..has got into Uni and can move in , in three weeks time .

Me & DS Father split twelve years ago and are both remarried and Ex is currently going through a divorce , DS lived with me throughout and stayed with his Father once or twice a month , depending on his work etc
We do not have an amicable relationship at all .. history of emotional and financial abuse

Throughout the trauma of A Level Results Day his only contribution was ' hope your Mother is doing something about it '

He is currently at his Dads and messaged me today to say that he's booked his moving in slot and that his Dad will pick him up from home , we'll load all his stuff in to his car (that I have been collecting ready for him to pack) , then they'll go have lunch and go do Uni drop off
Explained that I was wanting to go (I drive and have a car ) and DS told me he didn't think it was a big thing and can't understand why I'm bothered
(It's not an option for me to go along with them )and that's it all been agreed and he can't change it now

Ex says he has a right to be there for 'all the big events' but has never shown interest in first/last days of school , school plays , Uni open days etc- just this and out of the blue

AIBU to be hurt/hacked off at being binned by DS on a milestone day or am I over reacting and need to get a grip (and just arrange to go and see him sometime instead , I'm not an emotional embarrassing mum who is going to weep in front of him !)

I went on a train with a suitcase, a small case and my sewing machine. A 9 hour journey with no changes luckily. That was it until Christmas. Bliss! No visits from parents at all and one phone cubicle on the ground floor in a large building of 70 rooms. Total independence.

Of course he won't have realised it was a big deal - and it shouldn't be. He's accepted a lift, that's all. Probably thought he was saving you a drive. You're well out of it - do you really want to be lugging boxes of stuff. Back in my day - when admittedly we travelled lighter - we all set out by train. and would have been mortified if our parents had insisted on coming. You're making far too big a thing of this.

I sympathise but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. I'd say to DS, 'I don't suppose you'll need my list anymore as it sounds like your dad has it all under control', which will hopefully make the clear but succinct point that over the years it's been you who made everything happen, not his dad (but I'd keep the list for now, as I bet he doesn't). I'd also keep the weekend free just in case his newfound enjoyment of fatherly duties all falls apart at the last minute. Congrats on getting through the A level debacle.

Haven’t read the full thread but leave the lot up to dad, that new duvet cover, the plate set, the paperwork, the washing instructions (lol i know i know, been there) and when your DS asks anything just vaguely point him in dads direction (whilst secretly being on hand to pick up the pieces)

Personally, i think DS knows there would be an issue but is frightened of upsetting his arse of a dad, so is trying to downplay it on your part.

@corythatwas

Another voice for go up later when he has settled in. Then you will be able to see the room as lived in by him, rather than an empty space full of boxes and with the sound of other stressed people running backwards and forwards.

On moving-in day he needs to focus on his new surroundings, meeting his new hall mates, getting his bearings, sorting out the paperwork. However much he loves you, he needs to wish you gone because he has work to do. Go up when he has done all that and can focus on you. You can take him for a nice meal, he can tell you all about it, maybe a trip to IKEA or somewhere.

This^ The day to remember will be after he has been there a few weeks. You arrange to go up, bring him whatever he forgot to pack and now needs. Have a relaxed, sit-down meal between two adults and listen to him tell you about his new life. Move-in day is all about boxes and suitcases. Meet-up day is all about catching up with his new life, maybe getting introduced to his new (girl)friend, etc.

Oh goodness, just let him go!! As PPs have said, its a VERY fraught day, it can be very hot, parking is a nightmare, he'll have lots of sorting out and meeting people to do.

Wave them off with a smile and do something lovely yourself for the rest of the day.

Seriously - your presence two weeks in will be much more appreciated. He'll be tired, he will possibly have been ill/hungover on his own for the first time, he'll have no nice food left, he'll be missing his home comforts. There have been loads of good suggestions of what to do from PPs.

My DC aren't this age yet but I remember being dropped off by my DPs. Strange city, dad got lost driving, they were embarrasing, I felt my clothes / trainers etc. were all wrong. My (D)M looked around disapprovingly and then they went.

During all the time I was at uni, my DPs never sent me a card or letter, never really called, didn't make sure I had enough money. The one time my DM came to stay I had to sort out her train tickets for her, meet her and entertain her for the weekend. My DM never came to uni ever again - she saw it as too much of a faff. My dad was generally really good about it.

It's the little things your DS will remember - that text from you when he needed it, the cosy car when you pick him up before Christmas, the smell of home when you send him back with clean laundry, the occasional card / gifts you send him, the actual interest in his course/friends/life/career.

This is just one day. Never forget how much the little days matter too.

Why should you pretend it doesn't matter?

Because moving out of their home, and becoming independent is a big step for any 18 yr old. Burdening them with guilt isn't helpful for them.
Don't make this all about you.
This September I will be doing this for my 3rd dc. Honestly, it won't have occurred to him that it is a 'thing' for you, and I think you would be making a mistake to try and make him feel guilty about being independent and mature enough to crack on with booking a slot.

This year, it will be a very short 'carry things onto the building and leave' but even with my older two, once you'd done that, they need to be left to start meeting their new flatmates. Going down a couple of weeks later will be much more relaxed and enjoyable.

Don't 'not support him' re packing and getting things together. That is just taking your anger at your exh out on your ds, which isn't fair on him, nor helathy for your relationship.

@gingergiraffe - exactly, two suitcases, no visits, and a phone call once a week. Funny how our mothers survived perfectly well!

I can easily understand that he thinks it's less of a "thing" than you do.
Maybe he thought his father would be more able to help with lugging heavy boxes, etc?

Dont make it into a thing.
The visit is a great idea but makes me feel like I've been relegated to aunt status rather than his Mum
Nah, he'll be really glad to see you and he'll be full of all the news and stuff. Dropping off day is no fun at all. Send him off with a smile and a wave and then call him in the evening and have a good old chat.

Hi💐it must be a bit of a shock if you had envisaged this drop off. I agree with other posters though:

• it’s actually a hard slog and stress on the day- if he’s on a top floor your lugging stuff up and down stairs
• once he’s arrived and boxes in vicinity he’ll not want you hanging around or god forbid unpacking😂 it’s definately not cool. He will want you out sharp and he’ll only be thinking about who is will be meeting not you- you won’t get any appreciative goodbyes at that stage. Mine got rid of me within 2 minutes of last box being brought in.
• in a few weeks he will love you for turning up with an offer of a free lunch and some goodies (cheese😂😂 always seem to be top of my kids lists as too expensive)
• arrange and confirm now that you will pick him up at end of term- he will by then dying to get home, excited about Christmas, and focusing on you and his family...much nicer...it won’t last more than a few days 😂 before he wants to be back...but hey it’s nice whilst he’s all excited. Bonus is he’ll leave most of his stuff there so less lugging!

A couple of things you can do for him to make it special as he leaves

• buy or bake a selection of his favourite goodies/munchies and put in tin to remind him that you care when he has those moments of homesickness or to share to make new friends in the first week of freshers
• buy him some thoughtful gifts to help him settle in- a doorstop to prop his door open, a montage of photos, etc...there are loads of lists of really thoughtful things to give that are useful but not obvious...he,ll remember you love him when he uses or looks at them.
• tell him you need a guided tour of his new home the following afternoon by Skype or whatever...he’ll have hopefully unpacked then and you will be able to visualise where he is then - explain that to him and why it matters. I always want to be able to see where my kids are living...got my latest tour of a new house last week and that one is in his 30’s!
• smoother him in kisses, hugs in privacy of his own home when he’s not trying to bat you off And embarrassed

I was fighting my husband over who wouldn’t do drop offs by the end😂😂😂

@gingergiraffe

I went on a train with a suitcase, a small case and my sewing machine. A 9 hour journey with no changes luckily. That was it until Christmas. Bliss! No visits from parents at all and one phone cubicle on the ground floor in a large building of 70 rooms. Total independence.

Me too in 1973. Mum stayed at home, Dad took me to the station and shoehorned me and 2 cases onto the train. One phone call a week (no mobiles or internet , obvs). I didn’t go home till Christmas. It was character building.

[quote katy1213]@gingergiraffe - exactly, two suitcases, no visits, and a phone call once a week. Funny how our mothers survived perfectly well![/quote]
Tht was me also, although did travel up with dm (on the train). Remember queueing for the phone on a weekly basis. I guess in those days we knew nothing different.

However, I do feel for op.

Could it be when your son was talking about uni, his father jumped in with “I’ll take you son”, wanting to grab the kudos for himself. Son may not know how to say no his dad now it appears to be a done deal and feels it is easier to let you down because he knows you better.

I understand why you're upset, but this is about him and the next stage of his life, not you. I asked my parents to leave when they dropped me off at uni as they were hanging around too long. No lunch, no photos. Yes I was a selfish 18 year old, but I just wanted to get on with settling in and meeting people.

Op I refused to let my parents take me to uni. I look back and feel so guilty but at the time I just took them for granted and wanted to not have them around. If it’s an consolation a year or so into uni was when the penny finally dropped that I was v lucky to have them, and I actually really started appreciating them.

I do feel for you OP, and hope everything goes as well as it can/might/should. I'm sending my DS off too, but the difference is that at 18 he didn't have a clue what he wanted to study. He's starting at 21, after two years work, and he knows exactly what he wants, and has a good idea of how to do it. TBH, I feel a little afraid for his flatmates and his study groups, who are going to be fathered (and fed, because he's worked as a chef for two years in a v posh hotel) until he's organised himself a PT job that gets him out of their hair so they can blunder through their first weeks.

@glitterfarts

He's an adult, he wants to do it without you. So let him. Put your list away. Don't pack, don't get involved. Let him come to you to ASK for help. When he does, explain you were hurt, so thought you'd leave it to him. You no longer need to cover for his Dad, so when he's late, say - yes, he's always been that way. That he never wanted to be involved before so can't understand why he's decided to be now.

If he forgets stuff, drive it up later and take him out for a meal.

Take a BIG step back.

This with bells on,

OP - you are right to feel how you do and yes your DH disrespects women and you are worried it has rubbed off on your son.

As a feminist I am fuming on your behalf - I sincerely hope my own sons don't disappoint me like this when they are older.

You are correct, if he gets away with this, he will treat all women like this.

And for all the apologists for your son, well, is it any wonder this board is full of women with useless partners and husbands if their mothers demanded so little of them.

IF you thank your ex and act like he is doing you a favour he will probably change his mind, especially if he has to spend any money!

You dig your list out, you wait until you son comes home, you explain to him why it is important for you to be there and why you cannot be with your ex, you wait for him to digest and respond and you see where it takes you. If there is no understanding then the preparation stops, the items both get sold and he and his Dad can work it out for themselves. But there will be understanding. He is with your ex at the moment and you cannot engage with it until he is home.

it's amazing how forgiving pp on this thread are of an absent dad and the very present mum should suck it up?

Frankly i would rather not do the uni drop off, but i wouldn't have been making lists and doing the packing anyway (i was a boarding school kid - i NEVER pack for anyone, not ever. It is the worst chore in the universe) But i don't see why an adult DC who has been thoughtless should be shielded from the upset they have caused. It's not making it all about the OP, it is communicating. If people would only communicate more a lot less hurt would be going on.

Yup I'd be very gutted and tell ds so. I'd and stop buying anything or sorting anything. That was part of you going. If ds doesn't need you then he doesn't need your organising or shopping skills.
I'd be taking anything back that has a receipt. I'd be having a conversation of what he can take, eg his tv and laptop then leave it up to him.
It's a big kick in the teeth, he's obviously trying to grow up but doing it badly.

Personally I think Ex has offered this lift in order to 'take it away' from me , but that's not DS's fight

I've always picked up the pieces when his Father has let him down , when he's promised days out and never turned up , the no show at the school plays , the refusing to 'allow' him to change plans to be at his so he could to mates party's .. I've made excuses for him and been the diplomat and eased that relationship.. When it would've been easier to tell the truth and let him see what his Father was like .

By making this about me , I'm as bad as his father I suppose .. using emotional blackmail for my benefit when it's not my day.

So he has his lift, I will be available on standby should it go awry on the day . I've sent him the list and told him what I've already got and suggested the rest should be sorted out with his Dad (and paid for by him too)
DS apologised for 'not thinking' and asked if I could get the list stuff as thats 'difficult' for his Dad to do , I've said they should do it together that's half the battle of the event , you can't cherry pick the 'not so difficult' bits

I will do a box with bits in (that they'll forget like hangover kit etc ) some alcohol, smelly reed things , febreze and include photos of his cat and the dog .. then I'll request a photo of his room when he's done it , I have friends who live 30 mins away from his uni town so will combine a trip to visit both like suggested .. a couple of weeks in

Thanks for all the responses it has been a real help .. I had Uni Drop Off Day as a golden day but maybe it's not that big a deal (although I still want to go )

OP, please, please do NOT step in for his dad and do all the grunt work on this. He chose dad for this, dad does it all. Why oh why do women protect children from the useless aspects of their dad? He needs to realise that this is not behaviour he should emulate, particularly if he aspires to a good relationship in later life.

A nice box from you is a lovely idea. But no dad doesn't get to come to yours and pick up all the living picked and bought stuff. They can sort it together, that's half the fun.