To be upset by not being on University Drop Off Duty

[teatotalling]

Name changed as this is possibly a bit outing ...

DS , after lots of A Level drama and clearing , finding accommodation etc ..has got into Uni and can move in , in three weeks time .

Me & DS Father split twelve years ago and are both remarried and Ex is currently going through a divorce , DS lived with me throughout and stayed with his Father once or twice a month , depending on his work etc
We do not have an amicable relationship at all .. history of emotional and financial abuse

Throughout the trauma of A Level Results Day his only contribution was ' hope your Mother is doing something about it '

He is currently at his Dads and messaged me today to say that he's booked his moving in slot and that his Dad will pick him up from home , we'll load all his stuff in to his car (that I have been collecting ready for him to pack) , then they'll go have lunch and go do Uni drop off
Explained that I was wanting to go (I drive and have a car ) and DS told me he didn't think it was a big thing and can't understand why I'm bothered
(It's not an option for me to go along with them )and that's it all been agreed and he can't change it now

Ex says he has a right to be there for 'all the big events' but has never shown interest in first/last days of school , school plays , Uni open days etc- just this and out of the blue

AIBU to be hurt/hacked off at being binned by DS on a milestone day or am I over reacting and need to get a grip (and just arrange to go and see him sometime instead , I'm not an emotional embarrassing mum who is going to weep in front of him !)

But he's requesting that his Mum do his shopping as his Dad would find it too "difficult", Tatiana?

If good parenting teaches independence it means that DS free to go off to uni however which way he wants, he’s free to make a choice to accept his dad’s random offer without the mothers of the thread having a teary nervous breakdowns over it.

But he wants her to buy all his stuff for him!

I feel for you, OP.

My DS is going as well, one hour slot and only one person allowed to go with him because of C19.

I hate that I won't be able to picture where he is (my wee boy! eek!) but it obviously DH will take him as I don't drive. I expect I will have a lump in my throat, but I'm focussing now on his excitement rather than my sentiments.

It's both wonderful and painful, watching them grow to independence.

I’ve already commented on the provisioning as ‘over mothering’.

I’ve no idea why she’s buying stuff for him I think it’s bizarre. If DS expects her to do it it’s because she said she would and she’s always done it.

If DS expects her to do it it’s because she said she would and she’s always done it.

Er @TatianaBis there's also the bit where the son asked if she could still do it because it would be 'difficult' for his dad.

@TatianaBis I'm not buying stuff 'for him' , apart from stuff I've picked up whilst out shopping anyway like I've done for years (rightly or wrongly) .. he would've been going out buying it (funded by me) but now he's leaving from his fathers it makes more sense for him to do the shopping for kit from there with his Father (where he currently is staying for a few days ) and leave it there ready to pack .. DS and Ex are nonplussed as to why I'm not now going to do shopping with DS and then cart it over there .. because Ex finds it 'difficult' to do that sort of thing (I read that as 'you're the mother that's what you're supposed to do' )

Theres all sorts of background and history , I don't really give a stuff if all the feminists are shocked and appalled at my mothering skills .. I did my best in somewhat shitty circumstances, DS is alive , moving on with life and doesn't need me as much (if at all)
hopefully he won't turn out a t**t but if his Father is now deciding that this is his time to influence his son then who knows !
..
I did an AIBU expecting the traditional MN responses I've seen many get flamed and I know a lot get a kick out of judging a female on every score , us women can be very supportive of each other and also our worst enemy

I wanted to get a snapshot opinion and I got it .. it's sorted
So thank you for all the responses , the supportive and the insulting alike.

I'm not sure why you would not buy him stuff regardless of who gives him a lift. I agree that you shouldn't cart it over to his Dads though.

@mrpumblechook why wouldn't a parent buy stuff they need for uni ? Is that so wrong to do a basic food shop , new bedding and a bit of kitchen stuff .. does he just go without til his Student Loan comes through two weeks after he starts ?

why wouldn't a parent buy stuff they need for uni?
You said that you hadn't been to University, OP, so in case you are doubting yourself:
Of course you buy stuff for the DC as they go off to their new life. Most parents do. It's the modern equivalent of 'the bottom drawer'. Look over at the Higher Education forum - there are threads and threads on this topic every year.

why wouldn't a parent buy stuff they need for uni ? Is that so wrong to do a basic food shop , new bedding and a bit of kitchen stuff .. does he just go without til his Student Loan comes through two weeks after he starts ?

I think you have misunderstood .I said (or meant) I'm not sure why you would not buy him stuff just because you aren't giving him a lift.

His dad should do the food shop when they get there though so you don't have fresh stuff sitting on the car for hours.

I don't really give a stuff if all the feminists are shocked and appalled at my mothering skills

Just to respond to this - I did not say I was shocked at your mothering skills, and nor am I shocked. In fact, I feel for you. What I am shocked at, is the number of people who think that your son must be protected from knowing that he has upset you at all costs, and waved on his way with care packages, a smile, and all the stuff he needs bought for him.

Anyway, I hope his father doesn’t let him down and that you manage a visit soon at a more relaxed time.

Your ex sounds an absolute arse op. Why is it 'difficult' for him to do the shopping?!

@BluebirdHill

If DS expects her to do it it’s because she said she would and she’s always done it.

Er @TatianaBis there's also the bit where the son asked if she could still do it because it would be 'difficult' for his dad.

Because he knows dad would fuck it up.

@teatotalling I really hope you stand by what you say and make him and his dad do the rest of the shop. If they try to push you into it, remain firm and plainly say "if you want to take him to his first day at his uni residence, then you can do the prep work, too" if they make it sound like the drop off is a chore and they're helping you, just say "if you're not looking forward to it then I'll take him, as I actually want to" and keep repeating. Of course you've started the list, you sound like a lovely mum, but by no means finish it, they can sort it themselves.

BluebirdHill
If DS expects her to do it it’s because she said she would and she’s always done it.

Er @TatianaBis* there's also the bit where the son asked if she could still do it because it would be 'difficult' for his dad.
Because he knows dad would fuck it up.*

I don’t think that captures it so much as he has absorbed that his dad is too special and important to do shitwork like packing and shopping. That’s for lesser mortals like his mum.

You need to say something. We really do teach others how to treat us & letting this go is giving him the green light to not include you for other big future events (graduation, wedding etc). We may be mothers & love them unconditionally, but that doesn't mean we have to tolerate being doormats.

So, who is doing the shop-have you resolved that?

How is this working out now OP? Just dropped my dd yesterday/today and know my DP would have loved to be there too but we have younger kids and only one helper allowed. FWIW, I think he'll make a trip in the next month which will give him that involvement and be really nice for her.