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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fed up and resentful of DH and his silly crush

309 replies

SaxonSeverity · 26/08/2020 14:18

I don't even know where to start. DH has noticeably had a crush on one of our friends for a while now. DH and I have been together for a long time and I was a bit freaked out at first, however, I've just tried to laugh it off to myself and put it down to a silly crush.

I have no concerns from the friend's end as they have always been a good friend, and I know how obsessive DH can be about things. Nonetheless my husband's behaviour infuriates me, and now I find myself increasingly angry, resentful and probably jealous I suppose.

I am so tired of watching him going out of his way to be a part of everything this friend is involved with. Said friend invited me and our four daughters out for the day and he created a huge argument saying that I had purposefully excluded him...even though it was a girl's day out.

He was excitedly planning a day out for all of us to go on, because he thinks friend deserves a day out. When we go out together he is the perfect man, he looks after the children, is attentive and interested. When we go on days out by ourselves he won't get off his phone and is not interested one bit Blush

When he's working at home he will not come downstairs once to see me and the children. Surprise, surprise when friend calls around he has hours to sit and chat Hmm

I work so hard, do everything for the children and around the house. I could not do more if I tried. Yet I feel so resentful that DH shows no interest in doing nice things for me, yet is constantly thinking how he can make friend's life better.

It impacts every part of my life. I am no longer the happy person I was. I am angry and resentful Sad

OP posts:
DeborahAnnabelToo · 26/08/2020 14:21

Fuck that shit. Have you pointed out his behaviour to him? And what does your friend think? He's embarrassing himself and completely disrespecting you and your dc. What a plonker.

WhatWouldPennyDo · 26/08/2020 14:21

What did your husband say when you shared your observations with him?

AryaStarkWolf · 26/08/2020 14:22

That's massively disrespectful, have you talked to him about it? No wonder you're furious, has your friend noticed? if so it must be embarrassing for her

TheMostHappy · 26/08/2020 14:23

Yeah that is a big fat no from me. I would have to call him out on that kind of behaviour I'm afraid. That sounds really tragic. And you don't need to put up with it either.

Scruffyoak · 26/08/2020 14:24

Yanbu. Honestly, he sounds like a dick.

AmayaBuzzbee · 26/08/2020 14:24

I would feel exactly the same way.

You mention she is one of ’our friends’, who knew her first? Have you discussed this situation either with your ”D”H or the friend?

Luckybe40 · 26/08/2020 14:25

Is this even real? What have you said to him? That would be a HUGE fuck NO from me! I’d go absolutely crazy on him and prob leave if he didn’t sort his shit outConfused

AriettyHomily · 26/08/2020 14:25

YABU - for putting up with it. Fuck that shit.

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2020 14:27

Calling it a crush is minimising and infantising it. He fancies her and clearly wishes to have some form of romantic and sexual relationship with her.

Personally I could not sit there with my husband drooling over one of my friends. I’d be mortified.

I genuinely don’t know how you’re putting up with it. I’d be off.

Ludo19 · 26/08/2020 14:27

He's sounds lovely!!! Sorry I'm with everyone else who has replied to you. Fuck putting up with that!

Original poster
SaxonSeverity · 26/08/2020 14:28

The thing is, I know he wouldn't do it if other people knew what he was doing BUT I can't mention his behaviour to other people as it is so bizarre and embarrassing. How do you tell your mum that your husband is planning days out for other women, etc? Blush

I also can't tell friend obviously.... Confused

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 26/08/2020 14:30

What have you said to HIM about it?

Hipflask08 · 26/08/2020 14:30

Your marriage is over.

This isn’t a crush, it’s him wanting an affair with your friend. It’s him treating you like shit and her like a queen. How the hell have you put up with it?! WHY have you put up with it?!

I’d be ‘getting my ducks in a row’ as it were re finances etc and then sitting him down and telling him that if he doesn’t start treating ME, his WIFE with the same respect and admiration he gives to a random, it’s over. Give it another month and if nothing changes consult a solicitor.

And how embarrassing for your friend, eurgh.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/08/2020 14:30

But have you pulled your husband up on it? If not, why not?

unmarkedbythat · 26/08/2020 14:31

Oh god op, I thought this was going to be like the crush DH has on one of my friends (where he blushes and stutters if I mention her and goes virtually catatonic if she is around) but this is horrible.

What does your friend think of this? Have you told her about the differences between performance him and real him? Surely she wants this to end?

For me this would be potentially relationship ending, tbh. I'd have to start the sort of discussion that only ever leads to "ok we both recognise the problem and can agree on how to fix it" or "we are over".

unmarkedbythat · 26/08/2020 14:31

I also can't tell friend obviously...

Why not?!

Redwinestillfine · 26/08/2020 14:31

Sit him down and rationally talk him through the examples you have just given us, then explain how it makes you feel. If he can't help his reaction around her, he can at least make sure he treats you better when he's not showing off. It wouldn't hurt to mention to her that he's a show Dad and puts zero effort in at home unless in company, but maybe I'm just being petty!

DeborahAnnabelToo · 26/08/2020 14:32

But have you talked to him about it?

Rosehip345 · 26/08/2020 14:33

I bet any other friends have already noticed.

One of my friends husband has a crush on another of my friends and behaves in exactly the way you describe. She’d never act on it and I don’t think he would in reality either. But it’s still very very strange. We’ve all noticed but nobody has the guts/heart to mention it to either of them.

I don’t think i personally would be able to live like that. I’d end up disliking my friend, despite it not actually being their fault.

ILikeGlitter · 26/08/2020 14:34

Nah, I couldn't have that

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/08/2020 14:34

Eurgh.

Even without his pathetic crush he sounds like a useless, lazy, disengaged husband and father.

You don’t have to put up with his lack of involvement in family life. Imagine how great things would be without him.

Thesuzle · 26/08/2020 14:34

Just a thought, but could you get this friend of yours to do or say somethings that would turn DP off. Might be a better route than having a go at him and the subsequent fall out...

Clevererthanyou · 26/08/2020 14:35

Tell your friend so she can be warned about the creepy bastard obsessing over her broodilly like a pre teen!
You deserve so much better than this ☕️

Twigletfairy · 26/08/2020 14:35

You can just silently go on like this

When you said a silly crush, I imagine him just giving one of your friends the side eye a little too frequently for your liking. But this is ridiculous. What does he do for you and your children?

krustykittens · 26/08/2020 14:35

Jesus Christ, OP, how can you minimise this?! My jaw dropped reading that! You get treated like shit on his shoe while he runs after another woman, right in front of you and your DC?! That is so much more than a crush. I would be talking to a solicitor, sorry.

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