To be so fed up and resentful of DH and his silly crush

[SaxonSeverity]

I don't even know where to start. DH has noticeably had a crush on one of our friends for a while now. DH and I have been together for a long time and I was a bit freaked out at first, however, I've just tried to laugh it off to myself and put it down to a silly crush.

I have no concerns from the friend's end as they have always been a good friend, and I know how obsessive DH can be about things. Nonetheless my husband's behaviour infuriates me, and now I find myself increasingly angry, resentful and probably jealous I suppose.

I am so tired of watching him going out of his way to be a part of everything this friend is involved with. Said friend invited me and our four daughters out for the day and he created a huge argument saying that I had purposefully excluded him...even though it was a girl's day out.

He was excitedly planning a day out for all of us to go on, because he thinks friend deserves a day out. When we go out together he is the perfect man, he looks after the children, is attentive and interested. When we go on days out by ourselves he won't get off his phone and is not interested one bit

When he's working at home he will not come downstairs once to see me and the children. Surprise, surprise when friend calls around he has hours to sit and chat

I work so hard, do everything for the children and around the house. I could not do more if I tried. Yet I feel so resentful that DH shows no interest in doing nice things for me, yet is constantly thinking how he can make friend's life better.

It impacts every part of my life. I am no longer the happy person I was. I am angry and resentful

I'd tell him that he creeped her out and that she'd asked me not to bring him along.

@SaxonSeverity

The thing is, I know he wouldn't do it if other people knew what he was doing BUT I can't mention his behaviour to other people as it is so bizarre and embarrassing. How do you tell your mum that your husband is planning days out for other women, etc?

I also can't tell friend obviously....

Your friend knows. She might be being polite by ignoring it or she might be embarrassed by him/for you and not saying anything but she will know. Your daughter also probably know. In fact, all of those who spend time around the two probably know.

Why are you putting up with this? That’s really the key thing - are you reliant financially?

Oh please don’t let this carry on. You are entitled to be angry and jealous. This is massively disrespectful and painfully obvious he’s not trustworthy. I would never let this carry on without saying something and probably asking him to take a break elsewhere so he decide what he wants and only come back if he’s a committed loving partner. Life’s too short, seriously, there are better men than this.

*daughters

Have you spoken to him about it? Maybe he'll find it embarrassing that you know and stop.

This is bloody awful.
You need to speak to him immediately. He is embarrassing himself, shaming you and acting terribly in front of your children. I would cut him off from friend entirely and see what happens. If it blows up give him na ultimatum. He is being so totally disrespectful.

Abysmal little man!!!!

YANBU to be annoyed, however YABU to stay with him. Fuck that shit, I would be out the door, or rather he would be out the door.

What @HollowTalk said. He might rethink his behaviour then.

And you haven't binned him because?

Have you actually told him how you feel about this? I wouldn't stay married to him if I were you

Message friend about what is going on. Hopefully she will message back in suitably horrified terms. Confront him about it and use what she has said as additional ammo. He deserves to be utterly humiliated.

Why do you need to tell your mum. What have you said to him about it, why is it still going on? Why are you sitting putting up with it?

Talk to him about it.

Tell your friend, who probably already knows and is wondering how to get out of this incredibly awkward situation.

Get it out in the open, secrets don't survive being outed. Address it head on, tell him he is acting like a twat, and stop tolerating being treated like someone who's not important.

I have mentioned things in the past and he just blows up and makes out that I'm being unreasonable. I just don't have the heart to do it again.

Neither do I feel I can say anything to the friend....all she sees is this lovely man who falls over himself anytime she needs or wants for anything. I doubt she would ever believe what he is really like.

Nip it in the bud

I didn't with my husband and my best mate and they were having an affair for 2 years.

For your own sanity and self-esteem you need to do something which ends this. Life is too short to play second fiddle to his crushes and bad behaviour.

She needs to believe it. Reconsider. He has created a false reality. If she's any kind of decent friend, heck any kind of decent woman, she will want to help you put a stop to his nonsense.

Christ, I thought I was going to read that he was a bit showy offy around her!
Ignores his you kids for his phone, until she’s there?
Fuck that.
I know it’s a bit much for a stranger to call LTB, but honestly - I wouldn’t want a relationship with a man who did that, even without the “crush” complication.
You really ARE worth more.

Next time you are out together I would point out to your friend that he isn't anywhere as near as helpful or kind as he is at home when she isn't there and that he must be trying to impress her. He'll be mortified. You don't deserve this treatment, but she doesn't either, so hopefully she'll see through his buffoonery.

I'm. Actually wondering now if this is my now ex husbands new woman seeing as it sounds very familiar

Oh, op 😔. You are married to this man. Please have an honest discussion with him about your feelings. If he blows up then perhaps you might to think about why you want to stay in this marriage.

I have been where you are, it was soul crushing to me.

You seem to want advice on how to change your feelings on this rather than change the actual problem, which is your arsehole DH mooning over your friend, and you cheerfully standing by not wanting to rock the boat.

It would kill my affection for him stone dead if I were you.

I wanted to tell my mum, tell ANYONE, because I know if it was public knowledge then he would be embarrassed into stopping. He needs outing but I'm just too embarrassed to do so.

I have mentioned things in the past and he just blows up and makes out that I'm being unreasonable. I just don't have the heart to do it again.

He's trodden you down, that's why.
Let him blow up. Say firmly that he needs to engage properly with the conversation, not just get angry and throw around accusations. He needs to answer to the things you describe him doing.

This is horrible OP. Please don't let him treat you like this. :( you need to call him out on it asap and don't let him gaslight you with "oh you're paranoid, you're imagining it" etc.

He's behaving like a silly child. Not a grown up adult married father.