To be so fed up and resentful of DH and his silly crush

[SaxonSeverity]

I don't even know where to start. DH has noticeably had a crush on one of our friends for a while now. DH and I have been together for a long time and I was a bit freaked out at first, however, I've just tried to laugh it off to myself and put it down to a silly crush.

I have no concerns from the friend's end as they have always been a good friend, and I know how obsessive DH can be about things. Nonetheless my husband's behaviour infuriates me, and now I find myself increasingly angry, resentful and probably jealous I suppose.

I am so tired of watching him going out of his way to be a part of everything this friend is involved with. Said friend invited me and our four daughters out for the day and he created a huge argument saying that I had purposefully excluded him...even though it was a girl's day out.

He was excitedly planning a day out for all of us to go on, because he thinks friend deserves a day out. When we go out together he is the perfect man, he looks after the children, is attentive and interested. When we go on days out by ourselves he won't get off his phone and is not interested one bit

When he's working at home he will not come downstairs once to see me and the children. Surprise, surprise when friend calls around he has hours to sit and chat

I work so hard, do everything for the children and around the house. I could not do more if I tried. Yet I feel so resentful that DH shows no interest in doing nice things for me, yet is constantly thinking how he can make friend's life better.

It impacts every part of my life. I am no longer the happy person I was. I am angry and resentful

If my friend's dh was always hanging around & flirting with me & fussing over me & going out of his way to do things for me in front of her while we were trying to have a catch up I'd find it very creepy & weird & I'd be very uncomfortable & avoid him. I'd arrange to meet up when he wasn't around.

How is your friend with him OP? Does she flirt back or does she seem uncomfortable around him?

I feel sad reading your posts it sounds like you feel stuck. I once read someone on here talking about the ‘right to make a difference in a relationship’ I think. I can’t remember the right words but the concept stuck with me.

It’s not about control, well not in the sense of abusive control over the other person at their expense. Rather that your feelings matter in the relationship. That your partner will listen to you and take on board your feelings. It might not mean they do exactly as you want but that your feelings and wants do have some power. Sometimes you might discuss and come to a compromise. Sometimes your partner might do something that you want but they don’t fully understand because they realise it is important to you and they care about your feelings. Of course it works the other way too that sometimes you will do things that are important to them but not necessarily to you (but I have a feeling you probably do lots of those things already.)

It is about not getting your feelings shrugged off with a ‘don’t be stupid she’s just a friend’/‘you can’t control me I’ll do what I like’. Like someone else said, it doesn’t really matter what any of us think or would put up with our husbands doing. This is making you feel distressed. That’s valid. And, IMO, a completely normal response to being disrespected.

What’s the point of the relationship OP? What’s in it for you? Do you really want to grow old with a miserable bastard who doesn’t value your feelings or want to spend time with you?

But is he her friend or friend OP?! When she comes over, does she come to visit him or you? When he organises nice things for her, do you get to go along, or is it just him and her?

If she's your friend, I'd just stick to seeing her on your own, avoiding having her to your house etc. Which is annoying because it isn't her fault your husband is an idiot...

Was he this inattentive and dismissive toward you and dc before this 'crush' episode? Has the contrast this has shown just rubbed salt in the wound?

He sounds as if he gets aggressive, manipulative and gaslighting whenever you raise anything about your feelings or ask him to consider you. That is a massive problem, and maybe reason in itself to consider if this relationship has any future.

Don't forget, this isn't just a case of him neglecting you because he is more interested in another woman. He is also happy to neglect his children, who should be his focus no matter what is happening in his adult relationships. He just behaves better in front of this woman because that suits his ego, his desire to give a good impression in front of her. If he were actually married to her and had children he would probably behave exactly as he does now at home, because the requirements she would have of him would no longer just be what he wants to do for himself.

I think you need to stop worrying what anyone will think, or how you 'should' behave, and take a look at this man you are married to. Because he sounds selfish, manipulative, neglectful, disrespectful, uncaring and boring. You have every right to be unhappy with how things are and you don't need to justify feeling that way, or telling him so.

OP, he is making you feel like shit. That's not ok. If he is ok with you feeling like shit then there is a major problem. Everyone has crushes. I do. DH does. It's human nature to find people attractive, I would never judge someone for being attracted to someone. It's what you do with that attraction that counts, and your DH is acting on his. It is hurting you. You have raised this and he dismisses you. That's your actual problem.

What is the barrier to (eventually, I know these things are not as simple as "ltb now op") leaving him? Emotion? Finances? Fear? Embarrassment? All of the above? Because your choices are fairly limited now. You either accept this is your life, this existence where your H disrespects you and doesn't care that you are miserable, or you face up to your marriage being over if he isn't willing to change.

Call him out in front of her.

For the love of god please don’t do this. Your relationship and issues between your husband and yourself are just that. This woman isn’t to blame for anything and no one should be advising dragging her into your marital problems. Tbh I feel just as sorry for her as I do for you, she’s not got no idea what’s happening and yet she’s being talked about, speculated about and potentially about to be used as a shield, humiliated as a means to help you say what you need to and just drafted into a whole load of drama that she won’t have seen coming. How awful :(

*I am not really the jealous type and my DH is a real flirt (always has been, even before we were together). A couple of my friends are also a bit flirty so when we go out as couples the flirty ones are flirty with each other BUT if I told him it was upsetting me (which with 1 person I did pull him up on) he would stop and he would make sure that I was ok. Even when he is flirty he still makes me feel special and prioritises me or why would I bother?

^^ and this is such a bad example... her husband makes her feel 'special' and "prioritized' because when she tells her "always flirting with other women" partner to stop; he listens ?
God how denigrating if your partner does that all the time when you are standing next to him. That show no respect*

Yeahnahmum I disagree - I know my husband and our relationship but perhaps I worded it badly, it is challenging on here. I mean he is flirty yes (mildly flirty with people that we have both known for years). But by prioritise and feeling special, I din't mean he does that whilst flirting as such I mean he texts me every day when I he gets to work to tell me he loves me, always tells me how nice I look, makes it clear to our friends that he loves how family orientated I am and how is is lucky to have me. I was trying to use it as an example of how in normal relationship partners can be flirty and it not be a big deal if you are both ok and understand it is not sinister or seedy and the partner is respectful of your boundaries and if it is making you sad or uncomfortable then it is clearly not ok.

Agree OP he has to go.
He's clearly doing a number on your self confidence and no wonder.let him deny it all he wants but he's in the wrong and needs to leave.