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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fed up and resentful of DH and his silly crush

309 replies

SaxonSeverity · 26/08/2020 14:18

I don't even know where to start. DH has noticeably had a crush on one of our friends for a while now. DH and I have been together for a long time and I was a bit freaked out at first, however, I've just tried to laugh it off to myself and put it down to a silly crush.

I have no concerns from the friend's end as they have always been a good friend, and I know how obsessive DH can be about things. Nonetheless my husband's behaviour infuriates me, and now I find myself increasingly angry, resentful and probably jealous I suppose.

I am so tired of watching him going out of his way to be a part of everything this friend is involved with. Said friend invited me and our four daughters out for the day and he created a huge argument saying that I had purposefully excluded him...even though it was a girl's day out.

He was excitedly planning a day out for all of us to go on, because he thinks friend deserves a day out. When we go out together he is the perfect man, he looks after the children, is attentive and interested. When we go on days out by ourselves he won't get off his phone and is not interested one bit Blush

When he's working at home he will not come downstairs once to see me and the children. Surprise, surprise when friend calls around he has hours to sit and chat Hmm

I work so hard, do everything for the children and around the house. I could not do more if I tried. Yet I feel so resentful that DH shows no interest in doing nice things for me, yet is constantly thinking how he can make friend's life better.

It impacts every part of my life. I am no longer the happy person I was. I am angry and resentful Sad

OP posts:
Icloud54 · 26/08/2020 15:12

Why do YOU do everything for the house and children? Hmm

Pumpkinnose · 26/08/2020 15:12

Honestly this is awful. It’s nothing to do with a”crush” on your friend. He’s checked out of your family and your relationship. Does he want to stay with you?

ShellsAndSunrises · 26/08/2020 15:15

Fucking hell. Genuinely, what have you Left got of a marriage here? He’s horrible to you, he’s embarrassingly drooling over your friend, he ignores his children for his phone and he shows you that he can be a decent man by behaving as one when your friend is around; but clearly doesn’t make the effort for you. And if you talk to him about it, he goes off on one.

Nah. I’d be telling people so that you can make plans to leave, supported by them. It doesn’t matter what your mum or your friends think of him, if you’re not asking them to continue to support your marriage. And you’re not; really, because there isn’t much of one left.

Lifeisabeach09 · 26/08/2020 15:16

YABU for putting up with this.

YANBU because his behaviour is inappropriate and appalling.

Are you so afraid of being a single parent that you'd settle for this man's shit behaviour?

SistineScreamer · 26/08/2020 15:17

It might be embarrassing OP, but you can't go on like this. I can't stress how disrespectful it is to you. He sounds like a shit dad/husband without this added into the mix.

Doesn't matter how awkward you feel or how much he blows up. Time to woman up and call the wanker out. Tell your mum, get advice, comfort, whatever you need but don't let him continue like this. He's blowing up because he KNOWS what he's doing and he knows he's getting away with it too.

iswhois · 26/08/2020 15:17

OP he's humiliating you, what a twat.

He's waiting for her to make a move.

I would say to him "you know she's not the slightest bit interested in you, everyone sees you fawning over her and it's embarrassing"

ScrapThatThen · 26/08/2020 15:17

Tell your mum and your friend about how he treats you. About how he is behind the scenes. And about how he tries to make himself look good.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 26/08/2020 15:18

You really want to put up with this forever? Because even if she is not interested the next crush might be, or the next. He has checked out of the marriage, do yourself a favour and leave.

Zaphodsotherhead · 26/08/2020 15:19

So you know he's going to blow up when you challenge him?

Be ready for it. Have your calm face on and your statements ready. How did you tackle your DC when they tantrummed when you corrected them or told them 'no'? Use the same techniques. Calm, factual, grey rock any of his 'what about the time you....' comments. Absolutely matter of factly lay his appalling behaviour open, so he knows you've seen it, absorbed it and you won't take it one minute longer.

And then dump his ass. What a cock he is - and he doesn't sound as though he makes your life any easier or more pleasant by being around - so don't keep him around any more.

WhoWants2Know · 26/08/2020 15:20

I would bet any money that your friend knows he's crushing on her. People aren't stupid. It's probably obvious to everyone but him.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/08/2020 15:21

Not confronting him on this is ridiculous. All you're doing to teaching your children to be doormats for abusive partners.

Ghostoast · 26/08/2020 15:21

This isn't a crush, he doesn't fancy you but wants to have an affair with her. What a sad manipulative twatbag.

StatementKnickers · 26/08/2020 15:22

Ugh this is awful. Make loads of "jokes" about how much your husband fancies the friend. Make him ashamed to even speak to her.

Also, this:
You really want to put up with this forever? Because even if she is not interested the next crush might be, or the next. He has checked out of the marriage, do yourself a favour and leave.

areyoubeingserviced · 26/08/2020 15:25

Your friend knows. Mark my words
He is making a complete and utter fool of himself.
I feel angry on your behalf, what a fucker
Are you prepared to put up with a man who is making you look like a mug.?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/08/2020 15:26

I also think you should confront him. Even if he blows up. Have your comments prepared.
I also think you should put a stop to the friend crush. At the moment his nicey nicey behaviour gets a positive response because she is your friend and she thinks he's just being nice.
Tell her exactly what he is like and then he will soon get looks of disgust and a rebuff which is what he deserves. You won't have to argue that its a girls day out because your friend won't want him there.
Then at least you won't have to put up with this part of his behaviour although it sounds like it is only one piece of the puzzel. Can you see a marriage guidance person on your own for a bit of support on how to deal with this and to talk about what you want to do next?
It sounds like a soul destroying situation to be in, so sorry you are going through this as you sound like a really nice mum to your daughters.

Timestoodstilll · 26/08/2020 15:30

Why are you taking on the embarassment and shame? Finding support for him is not outing him, it's putting the spotlight on where the blame belongs: him. Talk to your mum or your friend, and then have an honest discussion with yourself to see if you really want to stay with someone who obviously doesn't care about you. He is treating you like dirt.

Timestoodstilll · 26/08/2020 15:31

*Finding support for YOU

Laiste · 26/08/2020 15:32

I would not want to remain married to a man who treated me and his children like that.

I would not be seeking to change him, or 'out him' to make him stop or anything else OP, i would be sending him away into the sunset and changing the locks. He is what he is and his respect and love for you is gone. Zero. Zilch.

Leave him. Tell him why you're going. Take no notice of any temper tantrums. You and your daughters deserve better.

(that's the first time i've ever said that here)(in 11 years)

FlapsInTheWind · 26/08/2020 15:32

You want to embarrass him into stopping it - why? He HAS ALREADY DONE IT. It's not going to non happen. How can you stick around and watch this shitty behaviour towards you and your children? Him blowing up at you when you mention it is appallingly disrespectful.

LTB. Serve him papers. See how he likes them apples.

Ghostoast · 26/08/2020 15:35

I don't understand why you want to correct his behaviour. He'd still fancy her and not you. He'd end up with another crush at some point.
Are you afraid that they'll end up together if you split?

WonderHike · 26/08/2020 15:39

WTAF. No way Jose.

AdaColeman · 26/08/2020 15:40

You can't live the rest of your life like this Saxon, you have to take some action to protect yourself, or you will face years of misery.

End the friendship with the woman, sad though that might be. Surely she has some indication of what your husband is doing? She must see it in his body language, behaviour etc?

Stop playing this down to yourself, it's not a crush, it's an emotional affair, his behaviour towards you shows how little he respects you or what little value he places on your feelings.

Talk to him, tell him how hurt you are and what great damage he is doing to your marriage. His reaction will tell you all you need to know, hopefully he will alter his behaviour to save his family life, but he may believe too deeply in his fantasy world to abandon it.

You've got some difficult decisions ahead of you Saxon, but your life could be so much better and happier than this.

BottomOfMyPencilCase · 26/08/2020 15:41

What a horrible example to your DDs. Would you want them to put up with a partner who was so rude, lazy and disrespectful? who completely ignored any boundary that women try to put in place?
Your DH sounds like my ex BIL. In the end, everyone could see through him. I imagine it's the same with your husband. The only person he's fooling is himself.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/08/2020 15:41

I feel angry for you and your children, OP. You have a lousy partner there. I also feel angry for your friend. She's subjected to this nonsense and to be honest, you're being complicit there and not having her back. You're sitting there, allowing your husband to disrespect you - that's your choice - but also to disrespect her and also your children. None of these people are willing participants.

You need to think about what you ultimately want and then act on it.

I can see why you're embarrassed, you think it reflects poorly on you. It will do IF you keep putting up with it and letting your husband behave this way.

I'm really sorry for you though, I can imagine it's excruciating for you having the man you thought loved and wanted you, treating you like some kind of lesser person. Disgraceful twat.

Ritascornershop · 26/08/2020 15:41

  1. your fear of embarrassment and fear of confrontation is crippling you. You know he’s not adding anything to your life or the lives of your kids. This is one of those deeply unpleasant confrontations that you have to power through. If you’re afraid of him, take the kids to their gran’s and talk to him in public.

  2. before you do this, get your ducks in a row financially and speak to a solicitor. You may not divorce (though it sounds like it would be best once done, your life post-him will be less stressful), but it’s better to be prepared.

  3. tell your friend. She may know, she may not, but I have a little worry that she trusts him and one day he’ll try to get handsy & she won’t be prepared. I would want to know to be wary about a man I had no interest in who was interested in me, particularly if I thought of them as safe because married to a friend.

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