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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so fed up and resentful of DH and his silly crush

309 replies

SaxonSeverity · 26/08/2020 14:18

I don't even know where to start. DH has noticeably had a crush on one of our friends for a while now. DH and I have been together for a long time and I was a bit freaked out at first, however, I've just tried to laugh it off to myself and put it down to a silly crush.

I have no concerns from the friend's end as they have always been a good friend, and I know how obsessive DH can be about things. Nonetheless my husband's behaviour infuriates me, and now I find myself increasingly angry, resentful and probably jealous I suppose.

I am so tired of watching him going out of his way to be a part of everything this friend is involved with. Said friend invited me and our four daughters out for the day and he created a huge argument saying that I had purposefully excluded him...even though it was a girl's day out.

He was excitedly planning a day out for all of us to go on, because he thinks friend deserves a day out. When we go out together he is the perfect man, he looks after the children, is attentive and interested. When we go on days out by ourselves he won't get off his phone and is not interested one bit Blush

When he's working at home he will not come downstairs once to see me and the children. Surprise, surprise when friend calls around he has hours to sit and chat Hmm

I work so hard, do everything for the children and around the house. I could not do more if I tried. Yet I feel so resentful that DH shows no interest in doing nice things for me, yet is constantly thinking how he can make friend's life better.

It impacts every part of my life. I am no longer the happy person I was. I am angry and resentful Sad

OP posts:
katy1213 · 26/08/2020 15:45

I think I'd be devising some humiliating little scenarios that would shrivel his dick in front of her.

WonderHike · 26/08/2020 15:46

It's one thing having a crush on an acquaintance, it's another thing openly fancying a friend and pursuing opportunities to spend time with them while brazenly disrespecting in you. The bit that especially got me was trying to impress her by being an attentive father and family man while you're out with her, then ignoring you when she's not there. How upsetting and horrible.

I'm not saying LTB, but something has to change on his part and he needs to commit to you and your relationship or F off.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 26/08/2020 15:48

How terribly hurtful. I'm sorry you're in such a painful situation.

Provided your friend has given him no encouragement this is unfair to her as well, but how much more callous toward you and your children. Your husband is putting pretty much everyone involved in this sorry story into an untenable position. Whether he's acting knowingly or otherwise, what's he's doing is unconscionable.

PPs have given various suggestions as to how you might want to handle this. There are some good suggestions although it's impossible to know exactly what you should do for the best. The only option I don't think you have is to do nothing.

Flowers
YouokHun · 26/08/2020 15:49

“I also can't tell friend obviously...“

Why not?!

@unmarkedbythat I agree. I know you feel embarrassment but your embarrassment is providing him with cover. Why should you feel like that? It’s not your bad behaviour it’s not you looking and behaving like a fool. Get some support from those around you by sharing the truth of how he treats you and your daughters. I’m sure they’ll be shocked if they’re not already well aware. You deserve better.

TatianaBis · 26/08/2020 15:49

I think you should tell your friend. If I were the friend in this situation I’d want to know so I could tread carefully.

TatianaBis · 26/08/2020 15:50

I’d also want to support my friend.

Terrace58 · 26/08/2020 15:50

The two of you really need to talk about this. I strongly suggest you do it with a marriage counselor.

MumW · 26/08/2020 15:50

I agree that you need an escape plan. Get the finances straight and keep a diary of everything. Once you know what you will be doing if the worst comes to the worst, then have it out.

Insist on couples counselling and I think I would also tell your friend that you've noticed that you DH behaves like a school boy with a crush around her and has stop being attentive with you and the 'I'm a brilliant dad' routine is put on for her and he couldn't give a shit when it's just you.

If he comes down when she's around, pointedly say to him that you thought he was too busy to help out around the house today so hadn't he better go back to the office. If he doesn't go then start finding him jobs. "While you here, could you just empty the dishwasher, put the bins out, fold the washing...

Thirtyrock39 · 26/08/2020 15:50

Op I would imagine your self esteem is at rock bottom which is why it's so hard to challenge him/ leave him
I'm pretty aghast at him being so blatant with the 'crush' - I'm a realist , I think we all get our heads turned from time to time even when in very happy relationships it's human nature but as long as it's just that and not acted on or anything but for it to be obvious enough for you to notice is awful.
I would be devastated if my husband was acting like this especially with a friend of mine. It's so humiliating for you.

Greensidepark · 26/08/2020 15:51

Please don’t tell your friend. You would be putting the burden of your husband’s behaviour on her.

lazylinguist · 26/08/2020 15:52

Either LTB or give him an ultimatum: "Dh, however much you deny it it's perfectly obvious you have a pathetic crush on dfriend. You behave like x, y and z in front of her and I'm sick of it. Either pull yourself together and stop it this instant or I am going to tell dfriend and everyone we know, so that they can all see what a twat you are. I expect people have already noticed and are laughing at you."

Justrunitunderthetap · 26/08/2020 15:53

What a sleazeball. How dare he think this is OK? How would he like it if you were openly fawning around over one of his mates? Engineering ways to be in his presence. Delusional pillock. You have every right to feel outraged. Sod that. Take action and you'll start to feel better.

nc600 · 26/08/2020 15:54

Your friend knows. This happened to me but I was the friend in the scenario. I feel sick thinking about how creepy he was. He thought he was being complimentary but it made my skin crawl.

I've never said anything to his wife and I've just been extremely "busy" for this entire year to the point that they rarely ask to meet any more. Thank god for lockdown

iMatter · 26/08/2020 15:54

What a prick

Tell him outright that he's a creep and he's making an idiot of himself

BlingLoving · 26/08/2020 15:56

I think the crush and his behaviour is not the real problem but a symptom of the real problem - your H does not respect nor care sufficiently for you. His behaviour is inappropriate and he refuses to discuss that with you or to see your side. Plus he treats you and your DC much less well than he treats others. All of which points to deep seated issues that I think go far beyond this crush.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/08/2020 16:00

I’d be blunt:

“Dh - your behaviour around dfriend is embarrassing and entirely inappropriate, and is emotional infidelity. I am not prepared to put up with this any longer, and if it doesn’t not stop now, I will be telling dfriend and her dh, and will be asking for a separation. I don’t want to hear your denials or anger, and I know I am not being unreasonable.”

frazzledasarock · 26/08/2020 16:03

Who's friend is she? Yours or your H's?

If she is your friend, tell her, tell her you feel humiliated telling her but he's a completely different man in front of her etc.

I have a friend who's husband behaves like yours. He has behaved like this with a few of her friends and friend told me. I give him a wide berth and ensure I'm never around when he is, not because I'm irresistible but because he chases anything female and I don't want to be subject to that.

Start telling everyone, ridicule his behaviour, stop letting it rule your life. He is a pathetic little wannabe Casanova.

Get your ducks in a row and leave him. He doesn't sound like he contributes anything positive to your life.

monkeymonkey2010 · 26/08/2020 16:04

if she fancied him back they'd be having an affair.....just swap the image of your friend for some random stranger - is his behaviour still acceptable?

You need to shame him openly.
He's an arrogant, abusive wanker - and you need your head checking for staying with him.

LilyLongJohn · 26/08/2020 16:04

You don't have to tell your friend about the crush, but you can tell her what a lazy, selfish man he is. Just phrase it that he's perfect in company, but behind closed doors he's awful. I'd tell your Mum everything tho.

Tbh I'd be considering leaving him, not only does he not pull his weight around the house, it sounds like he's completely checked out of family life. Oh and he's eye watering my disrespectful towards you

Original poster
SaxonSeverity · 26/08/2020 16:06

Wouldn't our friend wonder why I've suddenly decided to blurt out how awful DH is? Blush She might think it's me who's the awful one.

OP posts:
MillyMollyFarmer · 26/08/2020 16:06

Is she your friend or not?

Original poster
SaxonSeverity · 26/08/2020 16:08

Yes but she'll be wondering why I've been going along with it, playing happy families and why I'm saying all this now?

OP posts:
TDMN · 26/08/2020 16:08

OP you deserve better than this Angry

Beachbodylonggone · 26/08/2020 16:10

She is your friend. She will understand.. Please confide in her.

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 26/08/2020 16:10

Time for an ultimatum really. Either he cuts it out with her and starts being a better husband and father, or you'll be asking him to move out of the family home. Either he wants to be part of the family or he doesn't. If you really can't have this conversation, then you might as well cut out the middle bit and just separate anyway. What's the best you can hope for otherwise?

I also can't tell friend obviously....

I'm sure she knows.