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Original poster

To be so fed up and resentful of DH and his silly crush

309 replies

SaxonSeverity · 26/08/2020 14:18

I don't even know where to start. DH has noticeably had a crush on one of our friends for a while now. DH and I have been together for a long time and I was a bit freaked out at first, however, I've just tried to laugh it off to myself and put it down to a silly crush.

I have no concerns from the friend's end as they have always been a good friend, and I know how obsessive DH can be about things. Nonetheless my husband's behaviour infuriates me, and now I find myself increasingly angry, resentful and probably jealous I suppose.

I am so tired of watching him going out of his way to be a part of everything this friend is involved with. Said friend invited me and our four daughters out for the day and he created a huge argument saying that I had purposefully excluded him...even though it was a girl's day out.

He was excitedly planning a day out for all of us to go on, because he thinks friend deserves a day out. When we go out together he is the perfect man, he looks after the children, is attentive and interested. When we go on days out by ourselves he won't get off his phone and is not interested one bit Blush

When he's working at home he will not come downstairs once to see me and the children. Surprise, surprise when friend calls around he has hours to sit and chat Hmm

I work so hard, do everything for the children and around the house. I could not do more if I tried. Yet I feel so resentful that DH shows no interest in doing nice things for me, yet is constantly thinking how he can make friend's life better.

It impacts every part of my life. I am no longer the happy person I was. I am angry and resentful Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
SaxonSeverity · 26/08/2020 14:50

I want to out him in front of friend. Not embarrass her and tell her about the crush but some way of showing her what he's really like..

OP posts:
BattleofWaterpoo · 26/08/2020 14:51

I think the fact that he's a shit father unless he's peacocking for another woman is grounds to LTB to be honest.

bumbleb33s · 26/08/2020 14:51

I'd show him your post and all the responses, the fact he behaves in this unreasonable disgusting way means you're not going to get him to admit any wrong doing, maybe by reading this it will have more of an effect, though I doubt it.

What an absolute twat from twatsville! who actually does that, he's disrespecting you so much it's beyond belief and I'd be out of there !

BattleofWaterpoo · 26/08/2020 14:52

Don't involve your friend. Your husband being a dipshit is nothing to do with her.
Sort it out with your husband.

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2020 14:54

This is very sad op. You’re too scared to challenge him, won’t leave him and don’t want to tell anyone. So you just want to tell your friend what he’s really like just in case she reciprocates?

And until you find a way to do this you’ll just take it?

ShakerCan · 26/08/2020 14:54

Seriously?!
You’re actually willing to be treated this way?!
WTAF!

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2020 14:54

Not embarrass her and tell her about the crush but some way of showing her what he's really like

Why does that matter if you trust her?

AryaStarkWolf · 26/08/2020 14:54

@SaxonSeverity

I have mentioned things in the past and he just blows up and makes out that I'm being unreasonable. I just don't have the heart to do it again.

Neither do I feel I can say anything to the friend....all she sees is this lovely man who falls over himself anytime she needs or wants for anything. I doubt she would ever believe what he is really like.

So how do you think this issue will ever be solved if you won't tell him to pack it in or you're out the door? If you don't put your foot down it won't end
Shefliesonherownwings · 26/08/2020 14:55

Why are you embarassed to out him? He's the one who should be embarassed and ashamed at his behaviour. I would be giving him an ultimatum double quick. Stop this behaviour immediately, and step up as a father and husband or you'll be leaving, and telling everyone what he's been doing.

Depends if you would be happy to stay in this relationship even if he did change? I'm not sure I could forgive the way he's behaved even if tings did turn around.

Serenschintte · 26/08/2020 14:56

A good marriage Councelling Op? Or would he not consider it. If he refused then I would probably cut his access to this friend.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 26/08/2020 14:56

This is why I never throw out the 'speak to him about it' because 99.9% of the time in situations like this, the OP has done that, I mean, it's the obvious thing to do, and he's gaslighted her or blown up and shut down conversation.

Life is way too short to put up with this. I'd make plans to end things. Then tell him just like that. 'We will be divorcing because I'm not going to spend my life watching you fall over yourself and peacock for another woman. We're through.' And tell everyone the bloody truth.

MillyMollyFarmer · 26/08/2020 14:57

Listen, with every sympathy, you yourself need to be a bit more mature about this. So what if it’s embarrassing? Out him? No. Just a direct firm conversation with your own husband and then decide if these games are a sign you have a good marriage. This isn’t healthy for you and you deserve better. Everyone does. Especially your daughter.

workhomesleeprepeat · 26/08/2020 14:57

You're kind of overthinking this revenge behaviour of making everyone 'see what he is like'

If you leave him, then YOU won't ever have to 'see what he is like' every again

MillyMollyFarmer · 26/08/2020 14:58

Yes tell people the truth but not as a means to get him to change.

TorgosPizza · 26/08/2020 14:59

If you feel you can't confront him with his behaviour in private, that's a serious problem. Are you afraid of him or just avoiding the drama of a big blow-up?

If he's always inconsiderate of your feelings (and apparently uninterested in his own children), that's ultimately worse than a stupid crush (though of course that's terribly disrespectful and hurtful, too).

Unless your friend is utterly clueless, I don't think it's possible to show her what your husband is like without causing some embarrassment, but that's not the end of the world.

shieldedsally · 26/08/2020 14:59

You need to have this out with him personally in private.

It's far more minor than your husband, but I was with a guy for years who openly stared at other women on the street, flirted with them in front of me etc. It really knocked my confidence but I thought it was normal. I can honestly, hand on heart, tell you that it ISN'T and you don't have to put up with it. There are men out there who don't behave like this. I am now married to one.

And don't be slow to tell others. It feels SO humiliating when you are in that position but honestly good friends and family will sympathise with you, not pity you. And if you don't tell them, if you do split, he will be the first to go around and tell everyone it is your fault! I speak from bitter experience.

AmberShadesofGold · 26/08/2020 15:00

This isn’t a crush, it’s him wanting an affair with your friend. It’s him treating you like shit and her like a queen. How the hell have you put up with it?! WHY have you put up with it?!

This.

A dick who is too embarassed to behave like a dick, is still a dick.The answer is not to shame him into hiding his behaviour - it's to believe that the person he has shown you that is, is real.

He has clearly shown he is a dick.

Thank him for his transparency and fuck off to live a life in happiness and joy, without him.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 26/08/2020 15:00

@Serenschintte

A good marriage Councelling Op? Or would he not consider it. If he refused then I would probably cut his access to this friend.
He won't go because he's just fine according to himself. Fuck covering for him. Just tell people he's been in love with someone else for years and you're sick of pretending otherwise.
AryaStarkWolf · 26/08/2020 15:01

@SaxonSeverity

I wanted to tell my mum, tell ANYONE, because I know if it was public knowledge then he would be embarrassed into stopping. He needs outing but I'm just too embarrassed to do so.
But surely you would want him to stop because he realises what he's doing and that he's hurting you rather than because he's embarrassed into doing it? Also, besides that you should be demanding he becomes a better husband on top of it. Why are you putting up with this shit? What are you scared off?
5lilducks · 26/08/2020 15:01

Well, if he blows up each time you try talking to him about it that suggests he doesn't want to change. Don't just sit there and watch him drool over another woman , you need to have some self-respect! He needs to change or leave. What a pathetic excuse for a man.

BertiesLanding · 26/08/2020 15:02

OP, do you want to live your husband's idea of a life?

Or do you want to start living yours?

Notredamn · 26/08/2020 15:06

The marriage would be dead for me personally but I'd show him up a good few times before waving him off. Like laugh at him loudly and openly in front of your friend 'oh what are you like, you creep! You always perk up when friend is here!' or to your friend 'it's like he's had a personality transplant haha! He doesn't usually lift a finger. Sits brooding upstairs usually'. Nothing to lose. Your friend is already embarrassed as we women always know when someone fancies us. It's always glaringly obvious.

BrowncoatWaffles · 26/08/2020 15:09

This is one of the saddest things I’ve read on here for ages. It’s bad enough you have a husband who doesn’t prioritise his family and do nice things for you, but at the point when you know it’s not actually because he doesn’t value these actions or uses a different love language or whatever but that he’s keen and eager to do that for someone else it’s just a bit heartbreaking,

He’s a shit and you deserve better. I know your posts are more about coping with your emotions than tackling his behaviour but the onus shouldn’t be on you feeling better about him being a disrespectful shit but instead calling him out on what he’s doing and demanding better from him or - if he’s not willing to be better - moving on.

Flowers
fairlyplump · 26/08/2020 15:09

I am so but your being a doormat, and he is making a fool of you. Get rid, she clearly means more to him than you do. Dont do this to yourself, you deserve better.

Beachbodylonggone · 26/08/2020 15:10

Not sure how seeing a therapist will stop him wanting to knob her mate whoever suggested one....
Confused