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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so fed up and resentful of DH and his silly crush

309 replies

SaxonSeverity · 26/08/2020 14:18

I don't even know where to start. DH has noticeably had a crush on one of our friends for a while now. DH and I have been together for a long time and I was a bit freaked out at first, however, I've just tried to laugh it off to myself and put it down to a silly crush.

I have no concerns from the friend's end as they have always been a good friend, and I know how obsessive DH can be about things. Nonetheless my husband's behaviour infuriates me, and now I find myself increasingly angry, resentful and probably jealous I suppose.

I am so tired of watching him going out of his way to be a part of everything this friend is involved with. Said friend invited me and our four daughters out for the day and he created a huge argument saying that I had purposefully excluded him...even though it was a girl's day out.

He was excitedly planning a day out for all of us to go on, because he thinks friend deserves a day out. When we go out together he is the perfect man, he looks after the children, is attentive and interested. When we go on days out by ourselves he won't get off his phone and is not interested one bit Blush

When he's working at home he will not come downstairs once to see me and the children. Surprise, surprise when friend calls around he has hours to sit and chat Hmm

I work so hard, do everything for the children and around the house. I could not do more if I tried. Yet I feel so resentful that DH shows no interest in doing nice things for me, yet is constantly thinking how he can make friend's life better.

It impacts every part of my life. I am no longer the happy person I was. I am angry and resentful Sad

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 27/08/2020 10:48

Tell him to stop with the doe eyed puppy dog looks around your friend as it's embarrassing.

Mortify him out of it.

HannaYeah · 27/08/2020 11:07

@DragonPie

Why not just leave the friend out of it (for now) and raise the issues you talked about. Being on his phone, not engaging with the kids, not coming downstairs etc. Those are all issues in themselves.
I agree with this. Even if he wasn’t acting like a fool around her, he’s neglecting his family and wife. Point out what you need and expect in a husband and father.
walksonthebeach · 27/08/2020 11:18

Fuck that! Call him out in front of her. When he arrives downstairs say to him "Oh hi Stranger, haven't seen you downstairs & off your phone since last time friend was here" when he does things for her say in front of her "great & when your finished doing that can you do the list of things I need you to do for me & the kids" embarrass him in front of her.

Bluntness100 · 27/08/2020 11:20

@k1233

I'd call him out on it in front of her. I'd say something like "friend do you think you could stay permanently at ours? Whenever you're around DH can not be more obliging. As soon as you're gone, well yep, all up to me. Would love him to be like this all the time - do you think you can move in?"
Seriously? Scripting it? If she’s not going to say it privately to him she’s hardly likely to want to shame him in front of her friend.
picosdeeuropa · 27/08/2020 11:39

your in a adult relationship, one in which you should be able to express yourself to your partner about things that are upsetting you. You seem unable to do anything....one thing you can do is raise your bar. Your DC are witnessing this too and this relationship is what they will view as 'normal...very sad situation all round

frazzledasarock · 27/08/2020 11:41

@k1233

I'd call him out on it in front of her. I'd say something like "friend do you think you could stay permanently at ours? Whenever you're around DH can not be more obliging. As soon as you're gone, well yep, all up to me. Would love him to be like this all the time - do you think you can move in?"
Did you also opt out of all family life unless the object of your crush was present, then go OTT on being the perfect parent and partner to impress them?

Did you plan expensive holidays for the object of your crush?

Did you engineer rows with your partner when partner and crush had arranged a day out without you?

I would be so deeply hurt if my partner was blatantly flirting and endearing himself to another woman, when in reality he was ignoring me and being nasty to me in private and ignoring and neglecting our children and all household/family activities were left to me.

I know many on here would be fine if their partner praised another woman's physique/appearance etc but I would be reassessing my relationship if my partner did that. So not even anywhere near the scale of disrespect OP is being shown by her H. My tolerance level is pretty low.

On the other hand I do not go about ogling and being lecherous over other men either. I expect mutual respect and love in a relationship.

What's the point of a relationship that makes you unhappy and adds to your misery and workload?

I've been single and I know I can be again and perfectly happy with it. Rather be without a millstone tied to me than married to a creepy, predatory, lecherous old man who drools over my friends.

Guaranteed friend knows.

frazzledasarock · 27/08/2020 11:43

woops sorry meant to quote @AhNowTed

HannaYeah · 27/08/2020 11:45

@walksonthebeach

Fuck that! Call him out in front of her. When he arrives downstairs say to him "Oh hi Stranger, haven't seen you downstairs & off your phone since last time friend was here" when he does things for her say in front of her "great & when your finished doing that can you do the list of things I need you to do for me & the kids" embarrass him in front of her.
So you would use your friend in an attempt to embarrass your husband for his bad behavior?
Motoko · 27/08/2020 11:59

Why are you afraid to stand up for yourself OP?

piscean10 · 27/08/2020 12:02

Bad advice to confront him In front of your friend.
Why embarrass her and make her feel awkward?
She doesnt need to feel like she has created a problem in your marriage. You need to tackle this with your husband directly. How awful for you and I'm certain your 4 daughters know this as well.

Aweebawbee · 27/08/2020 12:04

If it were my husband I would be taking the absolute piss out of him. I can't imagine being in a relationship where I was scared or embarrassed to speak my mind.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of the situation, it is making you feel like crap. On that basis alone he should have the respect to listen to you and to alter his behaviour.

Isthisnothing · 27/08/2020 12:09

It is not controlling to expect to be prioritised in your marriage. He is trying to impress her while taking you for granted.

It doesn't matter if he agrees with you or not.

I'd be telling him I'm not happy and if I don't get happy then there is no point me being in this marriage. I've tried to be happy but now I need you to make the effort too. If you won't then I'm afraid we have reached an impasse.

Cheetahfajita · 27/08/2020 12:12

Say you've been thinking and just wondered if he knew he's making a fool of himself over this woman?

Say it's obvious he wants to impress her and you're just wondering why?

Minimumstandard · 27/08/2020 12:21

Just out of interest, who do you like best, your friend or your husband?

I haven't read the whole thread, but could you just not tell him you're meeting up with her? Pretend you're meeting up with a friend he doesn't like and then, if the DC blab, tell him it's because you're so embarrassed at his behaviour.

Laiste · 27/08/2020 12:28

OP ..... have you anyone in real life you can confide in? Have you another close friend other than the one he fancies?

If you were one of my daughters or a friend of mine i'd be saying:

''You shouldn't be fretting about how to stop him behaving like this and how you 'look' (controlling ect.). He's a disrespectful wanker and you need to kick him out.''

I think you're trying to gently bail out a big sinking ship with a teaspoon while worrying about hurting the ships feelings!! Just stop and swim away!! Flowers

BerylSilverstone · 27/08/2020 12:43

This must be so upsetting, no way should you put up with it. I think it needs a very open and frank discussion about what is actually going on here with him and what’s going to happen going forward. If he isn’t willing to discuss it then I think that is even more of a problem. I think if he is willing to be really honest this can be rectified. (If he is willing to change the behaviour).
If I was in this situation I could move on from it if DH was willing to address the issue and change the behaviour, but I simply couldn’t cope with it if he attempted to minimise it or sweep it under the rug. I agree that he is being very disrespectful and you need to make it clear you won’t put up with this. You are his wife so he should be organising lovely things for you.

workhomesleeprepeat · 27/08/2020 12:51

@SaxonSeverity

What do I say though? Can I just say that this stops now and he is not to be in contact with her?

Wouldn't I be just as controlling as him if I said that?

To be honest, I have said this before, and he argues that she is a friend and i can't tell him who he can and can't speak to.

What can I do?

Jesus H Christ. What can you do??

Talk. to. your. husband.

Tell him you've noticed his silly crush and you don't like it. Who cares if he gets mad.

Are you afraid of him? You seem happier to hand wring and ask "what can you doooo??" Rather than actually confront the issue

JaffaJaffJaffpussycatpuss · 27/08/2020 13:09

@Velvian

You talk about you, what you find acceptable in a relationship, how you expect to be treated. You say that it has made you question your whole relationship and you will be looking yourself a bit more and doing less for him.

You don't need to tell him what to do or what he cannot do, you talk about you. Flowers

100% agree
cherrybakewellll · 27/08/2020 13:36

I wonder if deep down you are frightened that maybe his relationship with her is actually more than you're letting on. I wonder if perhaps you suspect there's something going on or perhaps he/ they had a one night stand and he's putting on this act infront of her?

badacorn · 27/08/2020 13:44

“It is really obvious that you fancy her. Everyone can see it. I am not putting up with it any more. I am your wife”

Stop doing stuff for him. Stop behaving like everything is ok. He probably thinks you believe “she’s just a friend” and he also thinks you accept what he’s doing because you aren’t changing anything, you’re just carrying on as though you are happy with it.

rainbowlou · 27/08/2020 13:46

Chances are she knows and it makes her feel uncomfortable, but the fact you sit there and put up with it will make her think it’s normal behaviour in your relationship.
I bet if you spoke to her she would be relieved.

Yeahnahmum · 27/08/2020 13:54

I am not really the jealous type and my DH is a real flirt (always has been, even before we were together). A couple of my friends are also a bit flirty so when we go out as couples the flirty ones are flirty with each other BUT if I told him it was upsetting me (which with 1 person I did pull him up on) he would stop and he would make sure that I was ok. Even when he is flirty he still makes me feel special and prioritises me or why would I bother?

^^ and this is such a bad example... her husband makes her feel 'special' and "prioritized' because when she tells her "always flirting with other women" partner to stop; he listens ?
God how denigrating if your partner does that all the time when you are standing next to him. That show no respect.

Sorry op that had nothing to do with you. But that is also an example of how not to behave in a relationship. That other pp accepted it and made her self believe it is all fine, but it isnt. And at least you realise that his behavior is wrong.

You shouldnt be letting your friend do the dirty work... HOWEVER if you do feel like you cant tell him off. DO ask your friend to put him in his place. To tell him to back off as she is not interested. Be brave op. Stand up for yourself one way or another but do something about it. This is no way to feel or live. Please op. You can do it. You have dozens of womeb barracking for you here 😊

Yeahnahmum · 27/08/2020 13:55

*women

Perro · 27/08/2020 14:34

I see I’m not the only one who suspects that your friend not only realises your dh fancies her, but may be reciprocating his attentions.
How sure are you that he’s not messaging her or meeting with her outside of your days out?

Hotwaterbottlelove · 27/08/2020 15:11

This isn't a crush. A crush is getting a little flustered around the person. Maybe having a few little fantasies about them. A crush passes reasonably quickly.

This is him having feelings for her. Fuck that. Not okay.