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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fed up and resentful of DH and his silly crush

309 replies

SaxonSeverity · 26/08/2020 14:18

I don't even know where to start. DH has noticeably had a crush on one of our friends for a while now. DH and I have been together for a long time and I was a bit freaked out at first, however, I've just tried to laugh it off to myself and put it down to a silly crush.

I have no concerns from the friend's end as they have always been a good friend, and I know how obsessive DH can be about things. Nonetheless my husband's behaviour infuriates me, and now I find myself increasingly angry, resentful and probably jealous I suppose.

I am so tired of watching him going out of his way to be a part of everything this friend is involved with. Said friend invited me and our four daughters out for the day and he created a huge argument saying that I had purposefully excluded him...even though it was a girl's day out.

He was excitedly planning a day out for all of us to go on, because he thinks friend deserves a day out. When we go out together he is the perfect man, he looks after the children, is attentive and interested. When we go on days out by ourselves he won't get off his phone and is not interested one bit Blush

When he's working at home he will not come downstairs once to see me and the children. Surprise, surprise when friend calls around he has hours to sit and chat Hmm

I work so hard, do everything for the children and around the house. I could not do more if I tried. Yet I feel so resentful that DH shows no interest in doing nice things for me, yet is constantly thinking how he can make friend's life better.

It impacts every part of my life. I am no longer the happy person I was. I am angry and resentful Sad

OP posts:
Inkpaperstars · 26/08/2020 16:10

I don't think your friend will be surprised to find out all it not as it seems. That's how it always, or often, is with long term relationships. I have had friends tell me things about their partners that they have been secretly putting up with for years.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/08/2020 16:10

Why are you so concerned about what everyone else thinks OP. Forget about the friend, tell your husband shape up or ship out.........and mean it. He's treating you this way because you're allowing him to

Newfornow · 26/08/2020 16:11

Stop making excuses calling it “a silly crush”
He wants to shag your friend !!!
Even if she runs a mile. He wants to do her and makes it clear ..... right before your eyes.
Next time say ... “why are you here? You never sit with me with or the children. Oh.... it’s because you want to gawp at (insert name).
Stop covering his pathetic embarrassments.
I would honestly leave my dh if he pulled this shit. I know people can admire someone else, married or not, but he should have the fucking decency to keep his thoughts himself and show you some respect.

Soundbyte · 26/08/2020 16:12

then he would be embarrassed into stopping

This is what you want? For him to be embarrassed into stopping? He’s being incredibly hurtful and disrespectful to you. He’s a thoughtless and uncaring husband, he’s a shit dad and you are in no way a team.

Worse than that, he KNOWS how he’s treating you is bad, because he’s happily putting in the effort for another woman so it isn’t because he’s oblivious.

And even worse than that, you’re too afraid to what, assert yourself? Cause a blow up? Or are you afraid to lose him?

He’s doesn’t have a dam leg to stand on, let yourself get angry about this, give him both barrels then tell him to sling his fucking hook! Don’t take any shit. He doesn’t deserve you.

Queenoftheashes · 26/08/2020 16:13

@SaxonSeverity

Yes but she'll be wondering why I've been going along with it, playing happy families and why I'm saying all this now?
Nah. This happens all the time. It’s never a surprise to me to learn my friend’s partner was far more of a cunt than they let on.
CourseTheyWere · 26/08/2020 16:14

Erm nope. This would not be happening. I had this once with a DP and it is soul destroying. So disrespectful.

You need to tell him he either stops this nonsense or leaves.

Wolfgirrl · 26/08/2020 16:15

It sounds like it has gone further than an admiring glance on his part, and that he is actively trying to involve himself in her life.

That would cross a line for me.

I would sit him down and put your cards on the table in a very concise and clinical way - tell him you know he has a crush on your friend & that he is trying to arrange plans etc to get his fix of her.

I would tell him he stays out of your plans with her & never mentions her again, or you will leave. Don't give him the chance to talk you around, just say it like that and then go out for a few hours and let it sink in. If you get drawn into a discussion about it he will make you look hysterical or paranoid.

TDMN · 26/08/2020 16:15

I dont think she will focus on that bit OP, she will be too busy being upset for you if she's any friend to you.
Plus its obvious why you'd pretend everything is okay! Its embarassing! (Not that YOU have anything to be embarassed of but i have been in your position and now exactly how you feel)

MillyMollyFarmer · 26/08/2020 16:15

I think perhaps you have some self worth issues and are concerned too much with what others think. It’s not you that’s done something wrong here. A friend supports you 100%.

nc600 · 26/08/2020 16:19

The friend would be relieved you'd told her as she's probably feeling completely weirded out by him.

I wish I'd just called him out on it when it started but now I'm avoiding their whole family! He knows I know, according to him I'm "Ace. Like a breath of fresh air....I'm just so addicted to your personality" 🤮

sunflowersandtulips50 · 26/08/2020 16:21

YABU for putting up with this rubbish- why are you sitting back an accepting this?

HannaYeah · 26/08/2020 16:22

I would not drag the friend further into it except maybe to say “He’s a different person when we don’t have anyone else around.”

I might explain to her that his behavior makes you uncomfortable to the point that you’re going to stop socializing with her when he’s around, because his so fake that it causes you angst.

Please call your mother and talk to her, if you normally share your problems and she has your back. She will give you good, loving advice.

Also, you need to get angrier than him and raise hell with him. He’s acting like a complete dumbass and a damn fool. You need to tell him that and not put up with this.

Coyoacan · 26/08/2020 16:23

I think the fact that he's a shit father unless he's peacocking for another woman is grounds to LTB to be honest.

And it shows that he knows how to put on an act. OP he obviously put on this act of being mister nice guy for you at one point before he started taking you for granted. I suppose with four daughters it is hard to think of getting rid of your husband, but he is not a nice man.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 26/08/2020 16:24

I am shocked that you have brought it up once and are too embarrassed to discuss it with anyone in rl. God i find it infuriating to read. Find your innner rage and self respect and kick his arse-

LadyLairdArgyll · 26/08/2020 16:24

what a horrible Husband you have, he's salivating over your friend and you have to just sit there and play nice, I agree with everyone on here FUCK THAT, kick this man out Flowers

JulesCobb · 26/08/2020 16:28

Sounds like he is planning to leave you and is busy making out he is someone he is not to the woman he has his eye on. This is conpletely unacceptable behaviour. I would jot stand for it at all.

Rubbleonthedouble1 · 26/08/2020 16:28

Leave him (I don’t often say that) but for goodness sake!!

Rubbleonthedouble1 · 26/08/2020 16:29

I’m twisted but I would make contact with him pretending to be the friend to see what he’d do!

Osirus · 26/08/2020 16:31

A “crush” is one thing. This is not it. He’s actually trying to be involved with her so she pays attention to him - why? What does he want to gain from behaving this way? It’s not just admiration is it?

YABU for putting up with this. Are you reliant on him financially?

I can’t see any other reason why anyone would remotely entertain this behaviour. It’s so disrespectful.

And it’s not a “silly crush.” He wants her to notice him and he wants her to “like him back.”

Goosefoot · 26/08/2020 16:33

It sounds to me that he's gone beyond being a bit silly, where he has a bit of a crush and would be embarrassed if he realised you noticed.

One thing that ight be a bit of a mitigating factor is if he is generally a person who has a hard time understanding how other people perceive their social behaviour. There are some people who struggle with this, and so don't always appropriately control their behaviour.

But I think there is a difference between you seeing that he has a crush when you guys happen to be socialising with the friend, and actively trying to create opportunities to be with her.

I would bluntly tell him that you see what he is doing and there is a good chance your friend does too, and that you don't like it and want it to stop. Also that given that he can be helpful and a good dad when he has an audience ou know he could step up when he doesn't, he just chooses not to. And these things need to change or that's the end of it.

Part of fixing that would have to include doing some work together on strengthening your marriage more generally and connecting more.

fantasmasgoria1 · 26/08/2020 16:34

If it were just a silly crush he would not be behaving in the manner that he is. You need to tell him that you are ending things with him right now. If my Fiance behaved like that he would be an ex very quickly. All its going to do is make you feel worse and worse ending with you having no self esteem or confidence.

AllsortsofAwkward · 26/08/2020 16:36

I voted yabu on the basis youre allowing it to happen if my dh treated me with such distain over a crush he would be out the door.

combatbarbie · 26/08/2020 16:39

Why are you embarrassed to tell anyone? I would out him and tell him how embarrassing he is falling over this woman in front of you the way he does. I would bring it up with a friend or my mum next time you whinged about him over coffee or whatever just by saying exactly as you've said here.... You've tried to laugh it off but it's embarrassing now.

combatbarbie · 26/08/2020 16:40

I would bluntly tell him that you see what he is doing and there is a good chance your friend does too, and that you don't like it and want it to stop. Also that given that he can be helpful and a good dad when he has an audience you know he could step up when he doesn't, he just chooses not to. And these things need to change or that's the end of it

This with bells on....

TheMostHappy · 26/08/2020 16:42

Yeah the fact that he blows up when you mention it and makes out yabu is a bit of a red flag for me. Is that sort of gaslighting? Sorry OP, I'd be seriously thinking about getting rid.