To think you're not allowed to be proud of breastfeeding any more....

[TheatreJunkie84]

NOT a breast is best thread.

I've had the journey from hell. Tongue tie, painful feeds, thrush, not gaining weight, shitty latch, literally everything except low supply....but here I am 3 months in still going, on a combination of formula, pumped milk and boob.

I posted on a local baby group today a picture of me feeding, with a caption about how proud I was to still be going at nearly 3 months despite all the crap...thanking my local group and its peer supporters for their role in keeping me going and encouraging others to seek their help as they were so lovely and wonderful.

It started off well...messages of congrats and other stories of the peer supporters helping out new mums. Suddenly out of nowhere I got called arrogant and told I should have some respect for all the mums that choose to formula feed and I shouldn't throw be throwing it down everyones necks. Before I knew it loads of other mums all joined in, basically saying breastfeeding is nothing to be proud of and I should shut up. Things along the lines of 'big whoop you can feed your baby I cant so this makes you better than me? Piss off.'

I quickly deleted it, feeling really ashamed of myself. I'm on the verge tears now every time I think about it. Am I being unreasonable here? I honestly wanted to give up so many times....but the local group kept me going and if posting about my success can encourage other mums to seek their help then that's surely only a good thing?

I don't know.

It doesn’t make you better or worse than anyone. We are all mums and most of us are doing the best we can. Your breastfeeding journey isn’t unusual. It’s tough for the majority it seems. Don’t look to others to validate or applaud your choices or experiences. Have confidence in yourself.

I think you can be quietly proud, but posting about your pride on a public forum, not aimed solely at breastfeeding mums could be seen as a bit goady. You've deleted the thread so try and put it out of your head.

It was the same 12 years ago. No different. It is viewed as you thinking you love your baby more or something.... Well done for overcoming the hurdles. It is an achievement and something you will always have. Not that relevant to other women you don't know though.

Honestly? Some people are very, very defensive about the way they feed their baby. You won't go far wrong if you only ever mention breastfeeding if you're sure the only other people who will hear/see it also bf.

It's very difficult to word being proud that you persevered with something that felt important to you without it being read as you thinking that those who made a different choice, or had no choice at all, shouldn't be proud or didn't persevere.

Well done though - I had a horrendous time the first couple of months with my first and once it finally clicked it was great.

No way you should feel bad
Some people project their own feelings about bf where it’s not needed.

I wanted to and couldn’t, my kids were ff fully by around 2 months I still get pangs of utter warmth and admiration when I see people feeding when out.
So I’ll say well done to get through it

What happened to you isn’t right but people have no idea how hard it is for us that failed. You are made to feel like a useless mother who does not care about your child. I was kept in hospital for 5 nights after my baby was born as they would not latch - the main midwife was worse than useless. We had to beg him to be discharged only sanctioned after we confirmed my husband had gone and bought me a pump. Even then he tried to block the discharge so pardon me for sometimes thinking there is a smug element to people saying how great they are for breastfeeding. Aye, and I’m fucking useless - the feeling ate me up for months.

Well they were horrible to you and that's not right, try not to take it to heart. Some people get really hung up on feeding and then feel the need to defend their choice so these things often end up in arguments. When they're small and feeding is pretty much all they do it seems such a big issue but really it's not when you consider the 18 years of childrearing still to come.

Well done on feeding your baby in the way that you wanted to, ignore the negative people.

I don't think there was anything wrong with your post. Sadly people can get rather defensive about breastfeeding - often if they have wanted to but didn't get the support they needed. It sounds like you had a tough start but managed to keep on so that's definitely something to be celebrated - congratulations! Really glad you had good local support and yes this would have been a good way to signpost it to others - sad you had to take the post down but sometimes it's not worth the drama! Please don't feel ashamed - it's about them not you.

No way! YANBU!

You should be proud! Breastfeeding isn’t as easy as you think before you start doing it. I always thought it was pretty easy thinking how could this be hard? and then my baby was born and at first she had trouble latching and then throughout the year I would get blocked ducts etc but I kept going and I’m proud I managed a whole year. Just because you’re proud that you are still going doesn’t mean you are judging anyone for not being able to breastfeed. It is unfortunate that there are woman that aren’t able to do it due to low supply or other reasons. There are also some woman that just simply choose to bottle feed instead which isn’t a problem and it doesn’t sound as though you ever mentioned it was. I think those posters obviously felt offended for their own reasons but that’s on them and not you! You’ve done nothing wrong so stand tall and be proud for carrying on.
I am proud for you. Well done for keeping it up despite all the issues you’ve had 👍🏻

It’s a very emotive subject. A lot of BFing mums (I’m not saying you) are very outspoken about breast being best so FFing mums can sometimes feel a bit shit. Equally, BFing is used as a way to tear women down for ‘showing off’ their breasts or to imply they don’t care enough about their child to persevere through the pain.

When it comes to parenting, anything that sounds like you’re pleased with yourself will piss someone off because they are struggling. Next time, maybe just message the people you want to thank to say a personal thank you rather than a public one.

you're allowed to feel however you want to feel.

Don't expect anyone else to care.

No one ever says they were proud of formula feeding so it does come across as a bit smug.

You fed a baby, it was your choice how you did it so it's a bit whatever really

but here I am 3 months in still going, on a combination of formula, pumped milk and boob.

I think if you included that in your original post, it says more about them than you tbh but yes, I think a lot of women have issues surrounding feeding (and birth).

YANBU. You’re allowed to feel proud, just as you’re allowed to feel proud in any situation where you persevere despite adversity. Your success isn’t someone else’s failure. But remember they’re only being unkind about it because of their own feelings. And their feelings aren’t your fault. I do have a lot of problems with the whole ‘breast is best’ dogma, but that is nothing to do with you.

I had a tough breastfeeding journey too. Recurrent mastitis. Blocked ducts. Nipple shields. Oversupply. I’ve got several friends who combi-feed or formula feed who’ve congratulated me on getting this far despite my difficulties. Because they’re perfectly secure in their choices (as they should be).

Unfortunately we do live in a culture that makes women feel bad for formula feeding and so some women are ultra sensitive about it. If you are proud of feeding your baby the way you want, good for you.

Not this again

When you post pictures of yourself on a forum surely you will get all kinds of comments.

If you need cheerleaders, then maybe post on a site purely for proud BF mums only or something like that. If it even exists....

I guess it depends how it was worded as to whether you're being unreasonable or not.

YANBU to work hard to give your baby what you feel is best for them, and to be proud of the effort you've put in.

But people get very passionate about feeding. I guess cause it's so fundamental? Lots of people get criticized no matter how they feed so I can imagine lots of people feel bitter/resentful for a variety of reasons.

I agree with PP, be proud of what you've achieved but probably best keeping it to breastfeeding groups and/or private. Don't let the comments get to you though, everyone's just doing their best and this will have been a sensitive and raw subject for a number of those people.

I know what you mean OP. It’s mad that something entirely natural is still a potential flashpoint.
I think though you can draw a parallel between those who give birth without medical intervention and those who require it. I remember a mate of mine (who had taken to FB hours after birth to go on about how she had done it with no painkillers whatsoever) when I had an el-cs going on about how it would be really tricky to breastfeed and a shame I couldn’t give birth ‘naturally’.

She breastfed hers until 6 months. I breastfed mine until they were 4 years old. Which she thinks is ‘weird and un-natural’.

Yeah you just have to shake your head. We are all defensive about different things I guess but breastfeeding is a minefield. Anyway, you should feel happy with yourself. It’s bloody painful to begin with and lasts for weeks sometimes. So it’s a well done from me and a keep going if you can. x

@DancingCatGif

you're allowed to feel however you want to feel.

Don't expect anyone else to care.

No one ever says they were proud of formula feeding so it does come across as a bit smug.

You fed a baby, it was your choice how you did it so it's a bit whatever really

After the shit time I had trying to feed my baby - the one amazing specialist we saw only had 1 baby fail her - mine made it 2 that’s how bad it was. I am now extremely proud to say I formula feed - when baby was born I would have never thought I’d say that, I’m actually proud that I eventually got rid of my guilt.

Problem is there are plenty of mums who would have loved to but couldn't for various reasons and yes you should be proud but there will be sensitive mums who find your post hard to read.

I 'failed' at breast feeding. 3 days in hospital with nurses trying to latch my baby every few hours and he just wouldn't. Even midwifes who pride them selves at always getting a baby latched couldn't do it.

I felt very low about my body and why it just wouldn't work. Your post would have probably upset me for thinking i didn't try long enough.

It's a contentious subject.
Honestly all the pressure to breastfeed and the disappointment of the reality of it next to the sunny picture that is painted of how it is. That shitty thing ruined the first couple of months with my first baby. The second one I went straight for ff and was so amazingly different. Felt like a complete non issue and just got to enjoy my baby instead of feeling like the worst mum in the world. Made to feel like your feeding them crack not bloody baby milk.

Hi op,don't let them ,or anyone,make you feel bad.
I can see why some parents might have got upset over your post although you clearly didn't intend that to happen.
It is deleted,they went over the top in their responses,try to take anything good from the experience and put it behind you.
Not one of those people being nasty have never said something innocently not realising it may upset others.
Carry on enjoying your baby.

@Laaalaaaa makes sense. I wouldn't say I'm proud. I just did what I had to do to keep my baby alive.

All the joURnEy/proud posts are always about natural birth/breastfeeding/cloth nappies and of course it comes across a certain way.

My baby is a proud epidural/formula/pampers baby lol.

You rightfully should feel proud - well done!

It’s an emotive subject and people love a pile-on.

It's very difficult to word being proud that you persevered with something that felt important to you without it being read as you thinking that those who made a different choice, or had no choice at all, shouldn't be proud or didn't persevere.
This: when emotions run high – and of course they do, it’s about feeding babies! Whether breast or bottle that’s basically their primary need in order to live! – it’s easy to layer on interpretations, and notoriously hard to phrase it without pissing someone off. Not quite the same but it’s similar to people saying they “fought” or “beat” cancer – does that mean people who died from cancer didn’t fight hard enough?

It’s OK to be personally proud of overcoming breastfeeding hurdles and I don’t think it was wrong to post about it or share resources. But take a look at some of the feeding threads on here: it always descends into a fight.

Thank you everyone.

It really did get to me. I formula fed my first and never felt any kind of animosity towards those who BF...I guess that's where the hurt comes from this time around! It's difficult for me to fathom ever being unkind to some-one because they're able to do something I either didn't wish to or couldn't.