To think you're not allowed to be proud of breastfeeding any more....

[TheatreJunkie84]

NOT a breast is best thread.

I've had the journey from hell. Tongue tie, painful feeds, thrush, not gaining weight, shitty latch, literally everything except low supply....but here I am 3 months in still going, on a combination of formula, pumped milk and boob.

I posted on a local baby group today a picture of me feeding, with a caption about how proud I was to still be going at nearly 3 months despite all the crap...thanking my local group and its peer supporters for their role in keeping me going and encouraging others to seek their help as they were so lovely and wonderful.

It started off well...messages of congrats and other stories of the peer supporters helping out new mums. Suddenly out of nowhere I got called arrogant and told I should have some respect for all the mums that choose to formula feed and I shouldn't throw be throwing it down everyones necks. Before I knew it loads of other mums all joined in, basically saying breastfeeding is nothing to be proud of and I should shut up. Things along the lines of 'big whoop you can feed your baby I cant so this makes you better than me? Piss off.'

I quickly deleted it, feeling really ashamed of myself. I'm on the verge tears now every time I think about it. Am I being unreasonable here? I honestly wanted to give up so many times....but the local group kept me going and if posting about my success can encourage other mums to seek their help then that's surely only a good thing?

I don't know.

@DancingCatGif I didn’t say anything about anyone being or feeling bitter? I said that people probably judged op’s post from both sides - those who feel she was smug and implying those who can’t or choose not to breast feed are inferior and those who feel because she uses formula at all she didn’t try hard enough! She can’t win!

My own opinion is that no one has the right to judge anyone for their choice in infant feeding as long as the baby is fed. Women face all sorts of obstacles raising their babies - feeding is just one of them. It’s still not nice to receive horrible comments about a post where op felt proud of herself and didn’t mean to demean anyone else.

I also perservered through pain and difficulties to BF - I am proud of myself for that - it has literally no impact on what I think of others breastfeeding I presume they had to stop because they had to for whatever their reasons are. Or they just didn't want to - absolutely fine.

It's a personal pride in something you find difficult but did anyway.

Well done. You're allowed to feel proud of yourself - it cant have been easy.

And this comes from someone who didn't even attempt to breastfeed.

Don't be ashamed, you managed to feed your baby the way you wanted but you do need to choose your audience carefully.

I would have found your post hard to read early on, I avoided breast feeding groups (which I suspect this wasn't and therein lies the problem I think) as we had a really difficult feeding journey (I got berated by a midwife for resorting to giving my failure to thrive, baby a bottle of formula as I was exhausted and was on my knees trying to get her to latch and giving her a feed of expressed milk every hour and I was on my way to PND.

So well done but do pick your audience carefully.

Personally I hate people fishing for compliments and validation from strangers on social media, which is what you were doing. I’m not surprised you were called smug.

@MrsBungle tagged the wrong person sorry

I have posted occasionally on my own social media - only really when I passed 6 weeks, 6 months and a mention of combi feeding during world breastfeeding week. I gave up at the start of this month when DS was 21 months. I don't think I would post on a general baby group and definitely not a local one on FB as I've had some attitude from other mums at HV weight clinics.

Well done for keeping going. I have never done anything as demanding and difficult as nearly a year of getting up at least 3 times a night to feed.

I think sleepyhead said it perfectly, it's hard to find the words for being proud that won't get people's backs up.

It would be ok to post a short message that skips the pride part and just says you're happy things are going well so far and thanks for all the help. But going on about all the challenges and being proud to persevere, it comes off as more bragging.

Well, I'm proud of it. Anyone who thinks that's wrong, they're entitled to think so, and I'm entitled to not give a flying fuck. I spent years and years breastfeeding, am very glad I did, remember how bloody hard it was in the first weeks and the challenges of toddler feeding, and think it is something to feel proud of doing. If people are so bloody limited in their thinking they assume this means I believe that people who didn't breastfeed should be ashamed, that's their problem, not mine.

I don't like anyone being "proud" of anything. It's patronising

Well done OP! You should feel proud. Breastfeeding is hard.

I am currently breastfeeding a toddler and a newborn.

With my DS1, breastfeeding was easy. We had no problems.

Not so much with DS2. We developed thrush early on and it has proved rather tricky to clear up. At its worst, the pain was indescribable. I thought I was going to have to give up breastfeeding at one point and I was DEVASTATED. I can absolutely empathise with how people feel when they aren’t able to breastfeed. I felt absolutely crushed (as dramatic as that sounds).

Thankfully, I managed to get through the worst of the thrush by expressing and bottle feeding DS2 for a couple of days - the getting up in the night to heat up bottles killed me! I was exhausted. I could not imagine having to do this night after night - formula feeding isn’t easy either!

You can and should feel proud of your own personal achievement but I’m not sure social media is the place for it. That said I wouldn’t have commented something hurtful I would just scroll past. There is nothing wrong with being proud but IMHO social media fuels a parenting battle that I just don’t want to be part of (it’s hard enough) and therefore never post anything about parenting/children etc. Well done for feeding through challenges it’s bloody hard work! Peoples comments are not a reflection of you and your choices but their own. However, especially given lockdown, we will never know what others have gone through with regards to feeding, parenting, birth-the list goes one and for some they may find posts like this very triggering (I certainly have been that hormone fuelled exhausted new mum) and haven’t thought about the effect their comment would have. It’s done now, deleted, cuddle your baby and move on to the next parental challenge!

I was once having lunch with three friends. One was pregnant with her first and the rest of us had all had kids. My friend said she planned to try and breastfeed, the other two women just started going on and on about how horrible it was, how tough it was why they gave up almost immediately. I said see what works best for you, I had a lot of support from "Jane" and that helped me a lot. The other women just turned in me, don't push breast feeding, fed is best and so on. I literally have one slightly positive message and all they said where bad things about it. They where putting her off before she even started.

It doesn't make you a better mother than anyone else and it doesn't mean you've had a harder time than a mother that bottle fed.
But the OP didn’t say in her post here or on the baby forum that she was a better mother than anyone else or that she had a harder time than a bottle-feeding mother. That’s entirely your projection.

We’re allowed to be proud of our kids in other areas without it being a bunfight, like when they do the big girl slide at the playground on their own for the first time: “hooray, I’m so proud of you!” This isn’t followed by a silent unspoken “you’re better than all these other barely sentient potato babies”. It’s just because it’s to do with feeding that people kick off. Feeding, birth and sleep make us all defensive, even though they’re all entirely subjective and a lot to do with luck.

@dreamingbohemian

I agree. I don't think I'd post about feeling proud of anything really. It is quite braggy.

So your definition of “pride” involves taking a picture of yourself and posting it in social media?

My definition of pride and indeed the Cambridge dictionary definition!

* a feeling of pleasure and satisfaction that you get because you or people connected with you have done or got something good:*

@DancingCatGif ah no worries!

My baby is a proud epidural/formula/pampers baby lol

Love this!

Firstly, anyone who says "big whoop" is a tit.

Secondly, any public forum attracts arseholes who think everything is about them and only about them. So how dare you mention your experience? Funnily enough, the way you described it unfolding sounded a lot like this subforum, except the snarky usually jump in much faster, I think in hopes of influencing the following posts.

Some people are cunts. Just focus on the nice ones.

And well done

I think anyone who perseveres when something is hard, and succeeds at what they want because of it, deserves to feel proud. Whether that's breastfeeding, climbing a mountain, passing an exam, or finally clearing the box of junk at the bottom of the wardrobe.

I don't think breastfeeding is in itself something to be proud of, any more than any other parenting thing personally. I'm bf my 16mo, I'm neither proud nor embarrassed, it's just something I do. But I've thankfully found it easy, and may well feel different if I pushed myself when struggling.

I do think you have to pick your audience though if you want to tell people how you feel - but that's not breastfeeding specific, it's just being tactful.

I don't really understand the pride in it. I exclusively breastfed two babies to 6 months and carried on with both to 14 months. I'm glad I did, it never occurred to me not to. But I'm not proud of cha going nappies or dressing my children or any of their basic care. It's just what you do.

I was congratulated once by a woman when I was bfing DC2 in a GP's waiting room. I know she was just being nice so of course I just smiled and politely thanked her but it ws a bit baffling. I don't understand what there was to congratulate me on or to be proud about.

You can feel proud of it, but you have to realise that there would have been other mum's on that thread who couldn't breast feed and it would have upset them. Don't look for validation.

@Davros

I don't like anyone being "proud" of anything. It's patronising

No, it isn't.

Bollocks.
It's an achievement. You've worked hard and you're proud, this doesn't take from anyone else. If it does that's on them.
I've consecutively breastfed 3 for over five years now.
I'm ready to stop but I'm also proud.
If I got a degree and said I was proud I wouldn't expect someone with a different degree to think I was putting them down.
I'd say great, good for you too.
It's great formula exists it's a huge help for those that can't or don't want to breastfeed. And good for them,
But good for you too OP, you're not goady or smug, you are proud.

Women should support each other's pride in whatever they do or choose not to.

The 'bollocks' was for anyone saying otherwise