To think you're not allowed to be proud of breastfeeding any more....

[TheatreJunkie84]

NOT a breast is best thread.

I've had the journey from hell. Tongue tie, painful feeds, thrush, not gaining weight, shitty latch, literally everything except low supply....but here I am 3 months in still going, on a combination of formula, pumped milk and boob.

I posted on a local baby group today a picture of me feeding, with a caption about how proud I was to still be going at nearly 3 months despite all the crap...thanking my local group and its peer supporters for their role in keeping me going and encouraging others to seek their help as they were so lovely and wonderful.

It started off well...messages of congrats and other stories of the peer supporters helping out new mums. Suddenly out of nowhere I got called arrogant and told I should have some respect for all the mums that choose to formula feed and I shouldn't throw be throwing it down everyones necks. Before I knew it loads of other mums all joined in, basically saying breastfeeding is nothing to be proud of and I should shut up. Things along the lines of 'big whoop you can feed your baby I cant so this makes you better than me? Piss off.'

I quickly deleted it, feeling really ashamed of myself. I'm on the verge tears now every time I think about it. Am I being unreasonable here? I honestly wanted to give up so many times....but the local group kept me going and if posting about my success can encourage other mums to seek their help then that's surely only a good thing?

I don't know.

Screw them. You should be proud, you’ve worked hard to do what you want to for your baby, and it is not easy! My first 6 months were hell, the last 6 have been amazing so it does get better. You will get shit from someone no matter what you do, congratulations on achieving your goal for you and your baby

It's fine to be proud of it, why shouldn't you be. It's easier for some people than others, and if you were really struggling with it then kudos to you.

YANBU

You are not responsible for other people’s feelings. People post a lot of things that I wouldn’t be proud of but I wouldn’t jump on their post and tell them not to nor get up all in my feelings and be mad at them for doing something I chose not to do, especially something I don’t even care about.

It’s rude and juvenile to do so. If you chose to feed your baby a certain way, why feel necessary to say why on a post that had nothing to do with you or your choices. They could have just kept scrolling or hide if it offends them so.

How you choose to feed your baby should not be such a contentious subject. Women have enough judgement to deal with so why do some continue to do this to each other.

I really think people need to stop looking for validation for the way they feed their kids. I bottle fed from day one. I have absolutely no issue with someone breastfeeding. You made a choice like me, you did it, great. However, it does feel like many women want people to tell them how great they are. It's this need for validation that goads people. I have no problem with someone being proud of breastfeeding, but I do have a problem with them shoving it all over their social media so people will like it and say how brilliant they are. Nobody is about to tell me how great I am, yet both your baby and mine were fed and loved and kept alive. We just made different choices about how we did those things.

Be proud of yourself, and i will be proud of myself for the things i overcame in the first 6 months of motherhood. We just dont need to plaster them all over the internet so people can say how great we are.

I remember one really hideous individual who was an utter bitxh saying that people needed support so she had signed herself up to be a BF advocate at her local centre, she said to women who were struggling that a ff mum's body thinks the baby died so doesn't make more milk ... that was the ultimate in hideous BF comments I ever read on Baby Centre 😳 and she couldn't see that she was probably the worst person to be supporting struggling mums

Well that is utter bullshit, the body doesn't 'think' anything. Breastfeeding is supply and demand. If a baby isn't feeding, the supply will dry up. That's basic biology. And the sudden cessation of feeding does lead to a hormone crash, which affects some women more than others emotionally. Also basic biology. Talking about FF being lie 'as if the baby has died' is emotive and shitty however.

Agreed, I had lots of complications with my pregnancy and would never be allowed a home birth or water birth. I do sometimes get jealous of people that have easy births but that's my problem. It's not their responsibility to manage my emotions.

@VeniceQueen2004 - I positively choose to use formula from day one. I don’t have any doubts or concerns about my decision as it was a good one without any guilt. I am proud in the same way as I would expect someone who made the decision to bf. In the big picture, it’s not important. Life moves on.

I would think you've not achieved much if performing a basic human function is something you hold onto

Maybe it's easy for some people, but for others it's really hard not to mention painful at the start. For myself, I would never have managed it without a huge amount of support from other people over weeks. It is a big achievement.

The only issue is the use of 'proud' around it all. There's an old saying from before the internet: 'Pride comes before a fall.' That's because if you ever put yourself on any sort of pedestal (deserving or otherwise) someone will make it their ob to pull you of it.
On social media you will expose yourself to more people who will want to do that.
Being privately proud of yourself is fine, as is describing your journey if that's what you want to do, much more is leaving yourself open, and should only be done by the thick skinned.

Please enjoy your baby. and let go of feeling upset about what randoms on the internet have to say, or the school years are going to be really difficult.

Agree with the majority of previous posters. Of course you are allowed to be proud, but people who couldn't manage it or chose not to might have seen your post as either smug or preachy, thats all. If you had posted it in group that was just for breastfeeding Mums you may well get a very different response.
I can't even post on my own private facebook account about my child being bottle fed without people commenting saying about how they breast fed and then others jumping on to congratulate each other like its some kind of secret club that I excluded myself from.

Being proud of this stuff does make you look a bit like you don't have much else in the way of actual achievements.

Honestly I think you were really inconsiderate. Its like going on an infertility forum and posting how proud you were of conceiving naturally. Its not some big achievement that everyone in your life needs to congratulate you for. Its literally feeding your own child. It doesn't matter how you do it, breast or bottle, you are doing the most basic parenting task, why does it need to be shouted about?

Some people can't breastfeed and reading your post probably made them feel really shit about themselves as a parent, just for not being able to do it with their boob instead of with a bottle. It clearly means a lot to you so imagine if you hadn't have been able to do it and then read your post from someone else. How much of a failure would you have felt? Be proud if you want but keep it shut in places where boasting about it is going to upset people.

ob=job

@VeniceQueen2004
Depending on which site it was posted on, possibly! On your own page, crack on and post what you want, on a public site, it may not be appropriate. In MY opinion (which is what the OP is asking for) I think that THIS PARTICULAR photo on a general BABY GROUP is inappropriate and could be perceived as gloating and goady.

Is that okay for you? If not, why not?

You are allowed - and definitely should - feel proud for breastfeeding! Well done you I say!!!

'such a touchy subject for many women. Many feel (totally unwarranted) guilt because they weren't able to, and others feel judged for their choice not to.'

With good reason. I was lucky with the eldest and bf easily. The midwife when doing her rounds on the post natal ward asked me how I waa feeding, I said bf and she said 'good girl' , whilst the women in the next bed ff. So this 'defensiveness' pp have mention is actually justified.

As someone else said those that say that are proud to have had a natural drug free labour are equally as insensitive.

It's not you it's them. If you posted a picture of you holding a medal after a marathon you wouldn't get any negative comments from people who can't run. It's such an emotive issue. I express fed for five months and I am not sure that was the right decision for me or my baby but there is an astonishing pressure to breast feed and feelings of inadequacy when you can't / don't. For this reason I think social media is a bad idea. I think the comments you got were vindictive but they come from a complicated place of jealousy, inadequacy and hurt. I wouldn't want to make anyone feel like that.

I really think people need to stop looking for validation for the way they feed their kids. I bottle fed from day one. I have absolutely no issue with someone breastfeeding. You made a choice like me, you did it, great. However, it does feel like many women want people to tell them how great they are. It's this need for validation that goads people. I have no problem with someone being proud of breastfeeding, but I do have a problem with them shoving it all over their social media so people will like it and say how brilliant they are. Nobody is about to tell me how great I am, yet both your baby and mine were fed and loved and kept alive. We just made different choices about how we did those things.

The difference is, breastfeeding is hard work to establish for most people (one of the reasons why the uptake is so low). It involves a huge commitment of time and energy by one individual, the mother. It requires a lot of support to the mother/baby dyad by the rest of the family network because to breastfeed a newborn is to be available al hours day and night, to submit your body's needs to someone else's, and to be the only one who can nourish that baby.

Formula I believe comes with its own challenges (equipment, cleaning, scheduling etc) but the job can be shared, and one's own body is not so vulnerable. It is a different thing.

I often compare breastfeeding to other physical feats like marathon-running. No you don't have to do it, you could get to the same place walking or riding the bus. So why do we celebrate people for pushing themselves physically to smash their PB (a totally pointless activity you might have thought) but we refuse to celebrate a mother for pushing herself to her limits to establish feeding with her baby?

@VeniceQueen2004 - yep, told her that, as did many others - she was an awful example of bf supporter, she wouldn't have any of it and wouldn't listen - total witch!

"t is a big achievement."

And how about the people who didn't have the support you did? So they couldn't reach this "achievement"? You're basically saying "you didn't do as well as me" and when it comes to children, people are going to be spiky about it.

@LittleMissRedHat so on what sort of site would it be inappropriate to celebrate a marathon? would it be wrong to celebrate that on a fitness forum? Because that's the only comparative 'niche' audience I can think of. Breastfeeding is feeding a baby. How is that not relevant on a baby forum?

"The difference is, breastfeeding is hard work to establish for most people (one of the reasons why the uptake is so low). It involves a huge commitment of time and energy by one individual, the mother. It requires a lot of support to the mother/baby dyad by the rest of the family network because to breastfeed a newborn is to be available al hours day and night, to submit your body's needs to someone else's, and to be the only one who can nourish that baby.

Formula I believe comes with its own challenges (equipment, cleaning, scheduling etc) but the job can be shared, and one's own body is not so vulnerable. It is a different thing."

But the way you talk about it, you make it so clear you think it's better.

I chose what was right for me and my baby. He seems to be doing fine. No third arm as yet.

The breastfeeding rates in this country are truly abysmal, one of the worst in the world. I think that gives us quite a skewed perspective. So with that, on top of the usual challenges, you absolutely should be proud of yourself. Well done! Unfortunately it's a very triggering topic for some and they will react defensively as they see your success to continue breastfeeding as their implied 'failure'. They feel attacked and so they lash out and shame you for making them feel this way.

Personally, I think if they can't be supportive they shouldn't comment at all. I would never think to comment on someone's post about FF derogatorily, because it's none of my business and does not affect how I choose to feed my child. I would simply support them and congratulate them for getting through their own struggle. Why people think it's OK to respond negatively to posts about BF, I honestly don't know. We're all on different journeys that are tough in different ways.

NO ONE should feel silenced, and EVERYONE should be met with kindness.

Its just jealousy and the baby group should have banned the idiots who were rude.

Breastmilk in of itself is better than formula.