To think you're not allowed to be proud of breastfeeding any more....

[TheatreJunkie84]

NOT a breast is best thread.

I've had the journey from hell. Tongue tie, painful feeds, thrush, not gaining weight, shitty latch, literally everything except low supply....but here I am 3 months in still going, on a combination of formula, pumped milk and boob.

I posted on a local baby group today a picture of me feeding, with a caption about how proud I was to still be going at nearly 3 months despite all the crap...thanking my local group and its peer supporters for their role in keeping me going and encouraging others to seek their help as they were so lovely and wonderful.

It started off well...messages of congrats and other stories of the peer supporters helping out new mums. Suddenly out of nowhere I got called arrogant and told I should have some respect for all the mums that choose to formula feed and I shouldn't throw be throwing it down everyones necks. Before I knew it loads of other mums all joined in, basically saying breastfeeding is nothing to be proud of and I should shut up. Things along the lines of 'big whoop you can feed your baby I cant so this makes you better than me? Piss off.'

I quickly deleted it, feeling really ashamed of myself. I'm on the verge tears now every time I think about it. Am I being unreasonable here? I honestly wanted to give up so many times....but the local group kept me going and if posting about my success can encourage other mums to seek their help then that's surely only a good thing?

I don't know.

These days people seem to view all success as implying that someone else failed. It's zero sum every time - so if I say I'm happy being a woman that seems to mean I have no sympathy for people who aren't. Or if I'm well of I can't sympathise with people who aren't. I can, but it often seems like lived experience has to trump all else, as long as that lived experience is a disadvantage. So you've posted about a tough but positive experience which many people rather narrow mindedly view as you commenting on them. Their problem, and I'm sorry its upset you.

I just wish people were able to support each other, rather than it being a competition over who has it harder. I failed dismally at breast feeding, but was still lucky enough to bring up a healthy child. It doesn't make me feel anything towards people who have managed to breast feed through difficulties, I can still see that as an achievement worth celebrating.

For me, it’s only something I’ve ever discussed in a face-to-face situation. Being able to get the right tone in the written word is tricky so I opted to not go there.

I’m happy to share my experience with anyone that asks as I’m contented with what I did whilst appreciating that my choices never caused problems for me, I had full support from DH and family.

[quote DancingCatGif]@dreamingbohemian

I agree. I don't think I'd post about feeling proud of anything really. It is quite braggy.[/quote]
Yes, thinking about it, I don't think I ever say I'm proud of myself either. It's more just being happy about achieving something, pride has negative connotations for me.

A lot of people who don't breastfeed are very defensive because so many people judge them for it. It's pretty exhausting.

I went through hell trying to breastfeed my daughter. I managed it in the end but it was a good 4 months until we could do it properly. Sometimes I look back and think I wasted 4 months being miserable and maybe I should have just FF and focused on enjoying my time with my new baby. Who can really say? I didn't talk about it much at the time with other mums because I knew it was a contentious issue and that someone would misinterpret what I was saying and make it all about themselves and their own insecurities.

I think everything to do with mothering (yes mothering, not parenting because men don't get anywhere near the same level of scrutiny) is contentious because so much is expected and people are so judgemental. Just have a look at some of the threads on here. Other mums really are judging, even though they might not say it. I've seen threads where a mum said her friend was neglectful because her baby's nappy was full of wee and she didn't change it straight away, there was one about a baby wearing a cardigan when it was 22°c, one about someone's friend giving a 4 month old some puree - they were all very much in the tone of "look how awful these women are. I'm much better than them, right? Please tell me they're awful because it makes me feel superior". I used to think that no one really gave that much of a fuck about what everyone else was doing, but I have learned that when it comes to mothering they definitely do. They get the magnifying glass out and analyse every little detail. The results are usually not good. You will never be good enough.

Look out for a thread where someone says they feel shit for FF because some "perfect crunchy mummy" has just done a stealth boast fb post about her breastfeeding journey... and a load of posters coming on to agree that you're a horrible bitch who just wants to make other mums feel bad.

@Witchcraftandhokum

Exactly. There are things my son can do that I am proud of but I have friends who have similar babies who have significant delays so I would never dream of posting about how he can do this or that because I know how shit it feels to feel like your child is failing or like you're a bad mother.

No need to hide things but no need to boast either

To be honest I don't feel proud i changed my sons nappy, cleaned after he was sick, wiped his high chair, formula fed him, toilet trained him etc. It is just what I did (and DH) same as sure him doing good at school is good but it his doing not mine so the word 'proud' does not do it, i am pleased he is turning out a great kid but again his doing not mine or DH

You should be proud of yourself. There's so much negativity about breast-feeding usually from woman who didn't breast-feed themselves, many seem to have a real complex about it and are usually the ones shouting "fed is best".

It's because so many people would love to be able to do what you have done but genuinely find that they have no choice in the matter. They feel (wrongly) deep down that they have somehow failed and it comes to the surface when they see a post like yours.

It's the same with natural childbirth and to a certain extent being a sahm. Take a leaf out of the Virgin Mary's book and "treasure up all these things in your heart" - no need to broadcast to anybody else.

@Dragonsanddinosaurs
I just wish people were able to support each other, rather than it being a competition over who has it harder.

Absolutely this!! Maybe if we all just supported each other a bit more in all aspects of parenting there would be more perceived success.

I think you have every right to be personally very proud of yourself for persevering during adversity and reaching the outcome you wanted which was to breastfeed your baby.

Writing a post that says you are proud of yourself for managing to overcome certain things is one thing, but so proud that you post a photo of yourself of you breastfeeding? Why? I'm sorry, but you must see (even in hindsight) that that comes across like you are gloating and being a bit goady. Even though from your post you didn't mean to be. A baby group, where there are strangers that might be really upset at not being able to breastfeed, is not really the place to be posting.

However, what's done is done and you have deleted it now.Try to forget it and enjoy your baby.

WELL DONE YOU!!!!! I had a tough time breastfeeding but persevered and I am so proud of myself for doing it for 18 months (I seriously wish I could put it on my cv!). Don't upset yourself, you've done nothing wrong

People are so shitty about breastfeeding. I completely understand why people feel so sensitive about it as the formula-company-manufactured 'feeding wars' have turned it into such a battleground. But it basically makes it impossible for those who breastfeed (let's remember this is a minority) to speak about it outside the bf community without being bullied by the majority - who, paradoxically, feel like they are the bullied minority and act as if they are the victims of 'breastfeeding nazis'. It's all a bit ridiculous.

I think it is hilarious people on this thread are trying to spin it that you should never publicly post about being 'proud' of anything to justify the bullying and vilification you received. As if they've never 'liked' a post by a friend or congratulated them when they post about hiving run a marathon, or graduated from university, bought their first house, or passed their driving test.

Nobody does a massive pile-on saying 'not everyone can or wants to run/study/be a homeowner/drive you know, stop bragging you smug bitch".

It is only breastfeeding mothers who dare to be proud of their efforts who get it in the neck. And the underlying reason for that is not because breastfeeders are 'smug' (any more than runners or students or prospective housebuyers or people learning to drive are smug) - it's purely because those who do not breastfeed are not happy with their choice. If they were comfortable with it, what another woman does and how she feels about it would mean nothing to them. Less than nothing. They'd just scroll on by.

Well done OP; it can be very hard. And it can be very worth it. I hope you enjoy the rest of your feeding journey whatever direction it takes.

I agree that you should feel proud but should have kept that to yourself. Unless you were looking for validation.
This is your personal journey and you should have kept it at that.

Yanbu

Writing a post that says you are proud of yourself for managing to overcome certain things is one thing, but so proud that you post a photo of yourself of you breastfeeding? Why? I'm sorry, but you must see (even in hindsight) that that comes across like you are gloating and being a bit goady. Even though from your post you didn't mean to be. A baby group, where there are strangers that might be really upset at not being able to breastfeed, is not really the place to be posting.

Do you feel the same about people posting photos of them crossing the finish line at the London Marathon? If not why not?

Yes you should be proud. You struggled with it and persevered.
Other mums are saying horrid things because deep inside they wish they could have had a better experience- so many mums don’t get enough support with breastfeeding it’s heartbreaking (I have been there myself for months / years!) Breast is most definitely best there is just no question about that but is so hard for many women for many reasons. Just because you managed to continue, that doesn’t mean that another woman should feel ashamed- they most likely weren’t given the support And information they needed at the time. It leaves many women feeling shit beyond belief and that why they are lashing out.
Try not to take it to heart, you should be proud, enjoy that feeling

I agree that you should feel proud but should have kept that to yourself. Unless you were looking for validation.

Do you feel the same about people celebrating graduation? if not why not?

@MarthasGinYard

Not this again

When you post pictures of yourself on a forum surely you will get all kinds of comments.

If you need cheerleaders, then maybe post on a site purely for proud BF mums only or something like that. If it even exists....

I have to agree. Social Media is not the same as real life.

Different rules apply - anything you post in public is automatically fair game to all sorts, whether you mean it to be or not. It's also vulnerable to being interpretted in a million different/wrong ways.

Some responders will be supportive, many will be critical, some will be downright rude. That's just what happens.

Feel proud, but just don't shout it online.
I first bf 12 years ago, it was a crappy journey, but what I remember greatly was another mum forum wher there were loads of really cutting comments
'Oh I found it hard too, but with perseverance and determination i got through it - perhaps you didn't try hard enough further along threads - idiot mums who have no idea what other people are facing

I remember one really hideous individual who was an utter bitxh saying that people needed support so she had signed herself up to be a BF advocate at her local centre, she said to women who were struggling that a ff mum's body thinks the baby died so doesn't make more milk ... that was the ultimate in hideous BF comments I ever read on Baby Centre 😳 and she couldn't see that she was probably the worst person to be supporting struggling mums

No because it's not something imo to be proud of

And if you do consider it something you're proud of I would think you've not achieved much if performing a basic human function is something you hold onto

'agree that you should feel proud but should have kept that to yourself. Unless you were looking for validation.'

Exactly, why share your pride publicly of course others that don't bf will think wtf.

Bf is great, as is ff. It isn't a competition I don't know why mothers make it one.

It's the same with natural childbirth and to a certain extent being a sahm. Take a leaf out of the Virgin Mary's book and "treasure up all these things in your heart" - no need to broadcast to anybody else.

I had a failed induction and EMCS having desperately wanted a natural birth. I'm jealous of people who did have the beautiful empowering water birth experience. Jealous as fuck.

But I would never, never, never begrudge them their happiness and pride in their birth. I would never discount what they went through to have it. I would never post bitchy remarks on their celebratory posts about it. You know why? Because it's not about me.

It's such a touchy subject for many women. Many feel (totally unwarranted) guilt because they weren't able to, and others feel judged for their choice not to.

So seeing a proud breastfeeding post can hit a few raw nerves. Posting on a bf site, is the best thing as you also get support there.

People just feel so sensitive about it, understandably. I don't think suggesting that people only mention breast-feeding on pro-bf sites is helpful at all - no wonder breastfeeding rates in this country are so low.

I feel proud for breastfeeding both DDs to toddlerhood. I also feel that making the tough decision to stop breastfeeding when you desperately wanted to is also something to be very proud of. One person's pride doesn't mean they are judging others!