To think you're not allowed to be proud of breastfeeding any more....

[TheatreJunkie84]

NOT a breast is best thread.

I've had the journey from hell. Tongue tie, painful feeds, thrush, not gaining weight, shitty latch, literally everything except low supply....but here I am 3 months in still going, on a combination of formula, pumped milk and boob.

I posted on a local baby group today a picture of me feeding, with a caption about how proud I was to still be going at nearly 3 months despite all the crap...thanking my local group and its peer supporters for their role in keeping me going and encouraging others to seek their help as they were so lovely and wonderful.

It started off well...messages of congrats and other stories of the peer supporters helping out new mums. Suddenly out of nowhere I got called arrogant and told I should have some respect for all the mums that choose to formula feed and I shouldn't throw be throwing it down everyones necks. Before I knew it loads of other mums all joined in, basically saying breastfeeding is nothing to be proud of and I should shut up. Things along the lines of 'big whoop you can feed your baby I cant so this makes you better than me? Piss off.'

I quickly deleted it, feeling really ashamed of myself. I'm on the verge tears now every time I think about it. Am I being unreasonable here? I honestly wanted to give up so many times....but the local group kept me going and if posting about my success can encourage other mums to seek their help then that's surely only a good thing?

I don't know.

I'd go a step further cayrolbaaskin and say we live in a culture that make women feel bad for everything, so every choice is a judgement, how you are pregnant, how you birth your child, how you feed your child, how you talk to your child, how you play with your child, whether or not you work. It's a feckin minefield. So you can be proud of nothing.

I'm so proud that I did my best on both my kids. There's certain things I thing I'm a fucking amazon for (learned how to cook being one) but everyone has a different mountain to climb. But you need to respect it's your choice. I'm proud I gave up work for myself and my family but I'm equally proud of friends who've had a wonderful careers. But I'd never say it, because for everyone who's proud and delighted with their choices there's someone who didn't get to make the choice they wanted.

I hate telling people I breast fed.

It usually leads to them making passive aggressive comments about breast feeding and then going on about how they formula fed and how much better it is. The whole conversation usually involves an underhand tone to their comments to imply I was stupid to breast feed and how stupid I am for actually believing it is best for babies.

I just nod along whilst wanting to cry inside.
There just no need for it.

It’s horrible when you post something in good faith and people pile on. That’s the internet for you. It’s really difficult to word a post like that - I persevered against all these obstacles, others may take that as a judgement that they did not persevere. Others may judge your post as you didn’t persevere enough as you use formula. It’s a shame, it’s probably best to steer clear of posts like that unless you’re really sure of your audience.

Some people who didn't breastfeed are very bitter about and could probably do with talking it over with someone to help process the grief. What you did wasn't wrong or smug, those negative people could have just ignored it.

No one should make you or any other mum feel bad. Mum’s should be proud whether they bf or ff. Both are giving their loved, cared for and precious baby the best start in life

I had the same experience! Not on a forum, but in person. You can say something about yourself, your own baby, and other mothers take it as implicit criticism of them and get upset. I would say be careful but, honestly, I can't see how you can avoid offending other mothers. I was the same, so sensitive. I would come home from mother's group and cry sometimes, just because I felt so rubbish, just because another mother was temporarily doing great at something and I wasn't. It's such a tough and weird time those first few months of motherhood. Best wishes, OP. You werent being unreasonable, but yeah.

If you feel 'proud' what does that make those who can't/don't want to breast-feed, 'ashamed'? Seems an odd word to use in this context, it makes a judgement of others that is not necessarily justified.

Cant be proud your kids got decent exam results because some kids did badly

Cant post holiday pics on facebook because some people cant afford holidays

Cant be proud of breastfeeding because some mums cant

Fuck that

@MrsBungle

Is it any wonder people feel bitter? I didn't fail to breast feed, I chose not to and people make you feel like you fed your baby crack cocaine.

I think there's a difference between actively choosing to FF and not having the option but to FF. if you're in the latter camp, it can be very hard to feel like your body has failed you for something that should be so natural. And every time someone says how hard it was but they persevered and now it's great, you can't help but feel a failure again and maybe if you'd just tried harder it would have worked out. Guilt becomes defensiveness because it feels like you're being attacked (even though I know your post was made in good faith)

Why is doing something basic and fundamental to keeping your child alive something to be proud of? Are you proud you got them dressed today, or put them to sleep in a safe manner?

I am neither anti nor pro breastfeeding but I find the concept of being proud and odd one and it suggests to me that you are potentially a breastfeeding bore

I think the problem is that mums who formula feed are often made to feel like utter crap, so they are naturally quite defensive.
However it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t feel proud of what you’ve done. I’ve breastfed my baby for 10 months now and I’m proud of it, of persevering during the exhaustion and I’m not sure people who have not breast fed understand how hard it can be. But, breastfeeding mums don’t understand the other side either. Neither one is better than the other, but it’s such a contentious issue. As mums were fucked with judgement whatever we do, women should lift each other up more but this doesn’t happen often due to societal pressures. They probably weren’t meaning to be personal in their responses so maybe just put it out of your mind.

YANBU

I’m about to hit the 12 months mark and have fed 100% from breast. It’s been an incredible experience that I am so proud of but you daren’t talk about it with anyone not BF. It’s batshit. It doesn’t do anything to promote BF if we have to keep quiet about it in case we offend the sensitive because they found it hard.

Same as having an easy pregnancy and birth and a good hospital experience- people only want to hear the negative shit.

Yanbu
But some people can’t handle their own Negative emotions about their own experiences and so will project them on to You as a result. It speaks volumes about them and is not about you.
Some people don’t struggle to maintain a healthy BMI and have normal relationships with food. Others struggle a lot and for them losing weight is a battle they will feel strong to have overcome- and we see many people “celebrate” being slimmer etc. This might trigger some fat people to feel inferior or jealous or rubbish as they’re still overweight or have failed at dieting or have some medical issues keeping them overweight. They might get defensive and nasty rather than be able to be pleased for you.
Breastfeeding IS an achievement as it means you’re the one doing it all and there is a relentlessness to it that FF just doesn’t have. I’ve yet to meet anyone FFing who hasn’t ever had someone else give their baby a bottle. Which is fair enough- but then can’t be equated to BFing. And it’s not just a delivery of milk either- BFing is like a form of communication and becomes a relationship for many BFing mums and babies. Yes some may just feed to schedule and keep it as just delivering milk but IME it’s far more for most BFing mums and other people just don’t get it and feel threatened. Don’t know why 🤷🏻‍♀️But it’s always about their own issues.

Well done for persevering, glad it worked out for you

But I do think it was a little tactless and insensitive to post your success on a baby group

Anyway, I wouldn't lose sleep over it. Just move on and put it behind you

I can see both sides here I think.

You've every right to feel proud if that's how you feel but perhaps your public pride, along with an attached photo could have come across as rubbing some people's noses in it.

However, they should've done the adult thing and just scrolled past, instead of piling in and spoiling your proud moment for you.

Nowt as strange as folk.

I pretended I stopped BFing at a year to my family and friends, but still doing it at 19 months!! Says it all really!

It doesn't make you a better mother than anyone else and it doesn't mean you've had a harder time than a mother that bottle fed.

It still means you did well. How we feed our babies is irrelevant, if really really is.

I used to be a breastfeeding support volunteer. I loved it but I used to get myself so worried if someone posted a message of thanks to me somewhere publicly in case someone I couldn't help saw it and felt bad.

Honestly. I carry the guilt for every family it didn't work out for, so totally get why some mums are super defensive.

This doesn't give them the right to gang up on you and criticise you though. Hope you're ok OP.

Not quite the same, but a friend posted on Facebook to say how lucky she had been to be able to have home births with minimal pain relief.

My experience of birth was the polar opposite and quite traumatic so it could have been upsetting, but it really wasn’t as she was clearly just grateful for her experience.

Unfortunately another friend of hers decided to have a go at her about it. It became clear that it was more about how the other friend thought she shouldn’t speak about her positive experience because they hadn’t had a positive birth experience. It was as though no one with uncomplicated home births should be allowed to speak about it, which is frankly daft.

If you had been smug about breastfeeding then I can understand it being upsetting to others who weren’t as lucky as you to get the support to continue bf if they wanted to.

If you were posting to say how glad you were to be able to continue and to thank those who helped, then really those who did not have the same experience as you should probably scroll by and not engage- by having a go at you they are projecting their own upset at their own experience on to you.

Why are you posting pictures of yourself breastfeeding on social media though?? Why not just be happy and proud of yourself and move on with your life. I wouldnt put a photo of me feeding a baby a bottle or feeding my toddler food so why do people need to put photos of them breastfeeding for all to see. It just rubs it in the faces of those of us who couldn't and have been made to feel like a failure and comes across a bit twatty in my opinion.

@mrsBtheparker

If you feel 'proud' what does that make those who can't/don't want to breast-feed, 'ashamed'? Seems an odd word to use in this context, it makes a judgement of others that is not necessarily justified.

But it doesn’t though. At all. One person’s success is not another person’s failure.

I ran a half marathon a couple of years ago. I’m really proud of that. Are you ashamed because you didn’t run a half marathon (I don’t know if you did but just for argument’s sake)? No of course you’re not, I expect you couldn’t care less. My success at running a half marathon is not your failure to run a half marathon.

I agree OP I think it's a shame that women are told to 'keep quiet' about breastfeeding for fear of upsetting others. It's the natural way to feed a baby and the vast majority of those who stop didn't get enough support. Other countries have far far higher BF rates than ours because women are properly supported.

BUT - I do think the reality is that it's now a toxic and sadly emotive subject because of this situation so I feel sorry for all sides.

I think posting on a public Facebook group about and emotive subject is bound to get both positive and negative comments.

Maybe you should have messaged the group leader privately if you didn’t want to be subject to other people’s opinions.

I breastfed both my babies to 2 1/2. They both thrived and I'm hugely proud of this. I don't really talk about it with people, for fear of a backlash. I never breastfed in public after 18 months, for fear of judgement.

Hold your head up high. Well done. I wish I could have been less secretive.