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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you get can possibly get married in secret?

204 replies

Rainbowchampagne · 25/08/2020 07:32

Me and DP would like to get married in our local registry office just us two.

They only accommodate this sort of ceremony Monday - Thursday, which means my chosen witnesses wouldn’t be able to come

How on earth can you get married in secret if you have no witnesses? I darent do the whole “pulling people off the street”

I won’t be having a photographer or anything and even so, that would only be one witness

Has anyone done this successfully?

OP posts:
nowaitaminute · 26/08/2020 18:07

A friend of mine got married in Hawaii with no witnesses.

LakieLady · 26/08/2020 18:09

My ex and I got married in secret, but he insisted we tell his DSis and BIL so they could be witnesses.

I was gutted. At the time, I managed the registration service and wanted to rope in a couple of the staff.

At one of the register offices, the town hall security people were often asked to witness, and at another, there was a library on the same site and library staff were often asked. At a third, the register office was next to the fire station and police station, so off-duty firefighters and police officers often witnessed weddings.

Fuck knows what they did at my local one, it's between a cemetery and a park used by the local drunks and weed-smoking teens.

BackforGood · 26/08/2020 18:10

I'm really surprised that Register Office staff are allowed to be witnesses. They must get pulled away from their work on quite a regular basis in that case.

LakieLady · 26/08/2020 18:15

As I understand it you cannot legally marry in secret. Hence needing two witnesses

And you have to give 3 weeks notice, which has to be displayed in the register office. (There are a few exceptions in which you can be married by licence, but they only apply in very specific circumstances).

They found out I was getting married at work because someone from the facilities section had to go and sort something at the register office and he read the notices on the board, came back and told everyone.

exaltedwombat · 26/08/2020 18:16

Me and 'er indoors married a few years ago. (Damned if the taxman's going to cash in when one of us pops our clogs.)

Just us and two witnesses. There's a small room for £50, a bigger one for £300. But the small one's only available for two slots on a Monday morning, and it's booked for EVER.

So we paid the £300. The small room was next door. Unlocked and unused.

Shame on you, London Borough of Redbridge.

Also, the registrar turned up late, she wasn't the one we'd had the preparatory meeting with and she did her own thing, ignoring our carefully noted preferences for the ceremony. (Why give us the bloody form if you're not going to read it?)

Our wedding breakfast was mixed grills in the nearby Wetherspoons. They'd run out of frozen peas. I offered to pop over to the supermarket next door and get some, but no.

And I mislaid my senior bus pass somewhere.

Not doing that again.

Celestine70 · 26/08/2020 18:16

Just book it on a Saturday. They don't care how many guests you have.

LakieLady · 26/08/2020 18:19

It was only clerical or reception staff that could do it, not registrars. And they didn't make a habit of it, but they'd have done it for me, because I was such a lovely boss. Grin

Generally, they sent people off to get a security guard, and if there weren't any free, there was a handy pub just across the road. The mayor's chauffeur acted as a witness a couple of times though.

minnieok · 26/08/2020 18:22

Ask here, happens quite often

JulesJules · 26/08/2020 18:29

We got married 'in secret'. We decided to get married, went and talked with the vicar, told my sister and her partner and asked them to be witnesses.

We then told our parents, and told them they weren't invited - this did not go down well Grin

  • so we relented and allowed the parents to come. I do not regret my parents coming, they were lovely, and my Dad took us all out for a fabulous meal afterwards. But DH's mother was a fucking NIGHTMARE. If I could do it again I wouldn't tell her. We told no-one at work - just booked a few days off. Got married then went to Paris for a very luxurious few days in a posh hotel. Came back and told everyone at work, taking in the cake my Mum had ordered for us (we worked in the same place at the time) and it was a great day - every one was so happy for us, it was really touching. Someone went out and bought champagne... it was lovely.

We got cards done with a photo of us, saying we got married and sent them out to all our friends and relatives. Nearly everyone thought it was a brilliant idea! At the same time, someone we worked with got married and she had so much trouble - friends falling out over who was bridesmaid/matron of honour, various relatives causing trouble, etc etc.

I would do it again my way in a heartbeat. We have been married 26 years.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 26/08/2020 18:33

My parents had a small registry office wedding with DNan and Daunt as witnesses. They got their wedding photos in a woolworths photo booth 😁they've been married 35 years.

Good luck OP

CentrifugalBumblePuppy · 26/08/2020 18:35

We got married a couple of years ago, we’ve been together for 25 years. Just 2 adult kids as witnesses, with a Registrar & training Registrar. Wore jeans & t-shirts. It was epic. My favourite photo is one of the Registrar bent double laughing afterwards at how chilled it was. In a small office on a damp Tuesday. Son went back to Uni afterwards (final year & only in London 30 miles away) and we went home for a cup of tea.

Unless under Licence, it’s never going to be truly secret as they have to post the Notice. In ours, it was in the foyer, but behind a door, so public, but not in view unless you looked.

Friends & family actually requested to view our marriage certificate because they thought we were winding them up!

Just took the day off, only other people who knew it was happening was work (we work together). It was awesome.

Your wedding should be the way you both want it to be, never listen to others.

RedRideMeGood · 26/08/2020 18:38

Another one here who would be more than willing. Actually if we move our wedding again I might be looking for witnesses myself Grin

Davygran · 26/08/2020 18:40

We got married without telling anyone because we didn’t want his mother to spoil it like she ruined his first wedding. We had my brother & his girlfriend as witnesses & they’d been sworn to secrecy. It was lovely, we knew we were getting married exactly as we wanted it & without putting on a show for everyone else. 26 years later neither of us regret it.

Barbthebuilder · 26/08/2020 18:47

Oh come on OP, you can't deny MNers the chance to be a witness at your wedding!

I've been an MN witness twice, one last year in Leeds and one the year before in Wakefield. They were both lovely! ❤️❤️And I had an excuse to dress up on a Monday morning!

If you're in Yorkshire just ask!

LakieLady · 26/08/2020 18:50

My MIL is as toxic as they come

Same here @explodingwatermelon, and that's one of the reasons we got married in secret.

Also, I'm a fully paid-up atheist and ex-MIL was the most devout of Catholics. She was mortified when ex-SIL married a man who was divorced, and tried her damnedest to find a way they could get married in a Catholic church. She had to settle for some sort of odd service in a Reformed church instead.

There was no way I was getting involved in all of that.

DappledThings · 26/08/2020 18:51

I've been an MN witness twice
Twice? That's soooooo unfair. [Stamps foot].

DreamTheMoors · 26/08/2020 19:06

My parents eloped in 1946, had two random witnesses because they wanted to keep it secret.
Were married 67 years when my dad died.

I’d say that was successful.

Barbthebuilder · 26/08/2020 19:16

@dappledthings

I've been an MN witness twice
Twice? That's soooooo unfair. [Stamps foot].

I know- that's why I'm urging OP to have an MN wedding!

Come on OP, please??😄

failingmother · 26/08/2020 19:21

We got married on a Monday the two of us and 10yo son was surprisingly and happily able to be a witness. The other was employed at the registry office. Lovely, lovely day.

Buzzer3555 · 26/08/2020 19:21

We did it...told the registrar and she rustled us up a couple of witnesses. She said she had done that quite a few times before. Good luck

Jeeperscreepers69 · 26/08/2020 19:57

Why would you want to keep it secret.......

PuddyMuddles4 · 26/08/2020 20:08

I did it. We wanted to get married but couldn't afford a wedding. We went to the registry office, they asked a clerk to be a witness and 10 minutes later we were married. Nobody knew 'till we told them Grin.

Zolaaaaa · 26/08/2020 20:14

We told everyone we were going on holiday to the US and came back married. We didn’t need witnesses! It was great

Kiire · 26/08/2020 20:16

We got married in secret! Didn't tell anyone, but we booked a photographer as wanted some pictures for ourselves and he brought his wife to be the second witness.

Grilledaubergines · 26/08/2020 20:31

@nannybeach

I know every time I say this people get shirty, good luck with getting married in a Registry Office, they only register Title Deeds,land,property, and then people say, its only a word,only a couple of letters different, yes, and how many people get into problems usually of the financial kind, because they do not pay attention to the small print in contracts, etc.Why get married in secret, have just put a similar post on here. We had been married before, had 4 DKs, 2 mortgages, very little money, but wanted it to be a bit special, so booked Gretna Green, we live the complete end of the country, so it would mean a night in a Hotel, and because it's Gretna, not cheap, just about afford the night train up and a night in a Hotel,all booked, DH casually mentioned to MIL, that we were having a nice quiet wedding, not telling her where.(for the record,no relationship,there, she had walked out when he was small) she went berserk, said we couldnt get married without her,then it all started cancelled Gretna, booked 3 separate Register Offices,,getting bigger and bigger, plus places for meal, lost our deposit every single time,in the end I went into the lounge crying my eyes out,said to my (now) DH, that if his M said one more word, the wedding was off, he laughed, I meant it,We ended up having our Honeymoon before the wedding, we couldn't afford to cancel and loose the money, We were just going to grab 2 people off the street as witnesses in Gretna. Had our twenty year anniversary, and I am still angry I didnt get MY wedding, but someone elses, because everyone (yes, including me!!) were too scared to stand up to a bully
Nope, that’s a Land Registry. At least know where you’re getting your property registered.Wink
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