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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you get can possibly get married in secret?

204 replies

Rainbowchampagne · 25/08/2020 07:32

Me and DP would like to get married in our local registry office just us two.

They only accommodate this sort of ceremony Monday - Thursday, which means my chosen witnesses wouldn’t be able to come

How on earth can you get married in secret if you have no witnesses? I darent do the whole “pulling people off the street”

I won’t be having a photographer or anything and even so, that would only be one witness

Has anyone done this successfully?

OP posts:
LucyTamedOgres · 25/08/2020 12:44

We recently had a register office wedding in England but our Ceremony team advised that the witnesses had to be two people who knew us, no pulling people off the street allowed in our area anymore it seems.

Bwlch · 25/08/2020 12:48

I was surprised to find that children can also be witnesses.

TheDogsMother · 25/08/2020 12:51

Are you in West Sussex OP ? I'll be your witness Grin

Our very small wedding has been moved from May to October (Covid allowing). Rather than offend any guests by choosing other guests to witness we asked two of the people who work at the venue instead. It's a venue we've been going to for 10 years plus so it was lovely to have people that we'd got to know during that time.

Good luck OP. I hope you get it organised how you want it. Also its a good shout to see if there are any cancellations as weddings are being moved all the time now and I have heard of people moving them from Autumn to next year already.

chillied · 25/08/2020 12:53

I've got 2 relatives who got married in secret.

One it really was a secret and only unearthed 7 years later by an innocent child's question. 'are you married' me- 'no they're not' them - 'yes we are' whole family - 'whaaaaaat'

2nd one did the phoning up enthusiastically to say, guess what we just got married. Tbh that caused hurt and disappointment within the family. If you can call afterwards why not do it beforehand, at least give people the chance to send good wishes for your day. You want to avoid fuss, so maybe also try to avoid fuss afterwards too.

Why not say, we are getting married on x day, our desire is a really quiet wedding with just us but please send us good wishes on the day.

optional: you could say, we do need 2 witnesses, if you're available let us know and we'll pull 2 names out of a hat. But if you fear the fallout, ask the registry office for 2 volunteets

MenaiMna · 25/08/2020 13:03

I'd do it for you. So all these pp are right - just ask here on your local MN page.

WaffleCash · 25/08/2020 13:04

I'm hoping we can have a statutory ceremony with office staff as witnesses - still looking into the details. We'd be having a civil partnership rather than a marriage so not sure if that makes a difference. I'm still trying to work out whether we can have a statutory ceremony in a different county to where we give notice (we live much closer to an office in another county than the one for the county we live in)

Fromadistance1 · 25/08/2020 13:08

I darent do the whole “pulling people off the street”

Don't worry about asking random people on the street. I often hang out around my local registry office for this very reason. I always imagine when I'm asked the other person will be a handsome man and it ends up like a Richard Curtis movie with us bumping into each other the following day, then kissing in the rain. Then exactly a year later we are the ones getting married and asking another two random people on the street to be out witnesses.

Horsemad · 25/08/2020 13:09

My sister did this. The fall out was immense.

MulticolourMophead · 25/08/2020 13:10

I'd volunteer as a witness should it be required, and I have seen that you've got witnesses from the office.

And in my county, they are all Register Offices, not registry.

Whenwillow · 25/08/2020 13:13

Congratulations on upcoming wedding! Seems like you've sorted it Smile Are you keeping it a secret once you're married?
I'd also heard you can book witnesses with the registry office.
I had a tiny wedding and it was lovely (no politics)
I wish we'd got a few pictures though - something to consider?

premiumshoes · 25/08/2020 13:13

@Bwlch

I was surprised to find that children can also be witnesses.

Where is this? England?

In Scotland you have to be 16.

Inching · 25/08/2020 13:28

One it really was a secret and only unearthed 7 years later by an innocent child's question. 'are you married' me- 'no they're not' them - 'yes we are' whole family - 'whaaaaaat'

This was us, with the added complication that we'd genuinely forgotten we hadn't told anyone -- it was longer than seven years. Grin

Good you can draw on office workers, OP -- our register office specifically said they couldn't supply them, or security staff, as witnesses, as apparently it was a popular request and people ended up losing a lot of work hours as a result.

I'd also caution against assuming you will be able to get someone off the street without a lot of stress. In my last job, on my way to work, I walked past a pretty Victorian town hall in which a lot of civil weddings took place, and was asked a number of times (usually by a frantic-looking groom, sometimes by a visibly-stressed couple) to be a witness, and I was never able to, as I was on my way to work. (Academic, so on many occasions no getting around the fact that I had a date with 100 finalists in a lecture theatre in half an hour...)

Of course, it's possible you'll find someone easily, but I think that the possibility you won't brings stress you don't need on your wedding day!

We had as witnesses two friends we knew could make it at short notice in the middle of the day -- one was on gardening leave between jobs, and the other was an actor with a small West End part, who was free during the days there wasn't a matinee.

Yesterdayforgotten · 25/08/2020 13:28

@Fromadistance1 what a lovely idea...I hope you get a version of that someday.

nannybeach · 25/08/2020 13:29

In England witnesses have to be over 18

Heartofglass12345 · 25/08/2020 13:46

I came home from school when I was 10 and my mum had married my stepdad. It was a shit teenage life for me I can tell you (nothing to do with how they got married though lol) good luck!

SoupDragon · 25/08/2020 13:58

@nannybeach

In England witnesses have to be over 18
No they don't.
Lamahaha · 25/08/2020 14:11

My cousin got married secretly at Gretna Green! Yes, it's still a thing. I don't know who were their witnesses, though. They were both over 50.

siddlydiddly · 25/08/2020 14:11

I'd happily be a witness if you live in the north east. Good luck with whatever you decide.

MulticolourMophead · 25/08/2020 14:11

This is what my council website wrote about witnesses:

By law, there is no minimum age but witnesses should be mature enough to understand the ceremony and both written and spoken English. They must also be able to potentially testify in court.

nannybeach · 25/08/2020 14:33

I looked it up on-line, it said witnesses must be adult (over 18) and be able to prove their identity, maybe it varies in different areas

SoupDragon · 25/08/2020 14:54

@nannybeach

I looked it up on-line, it said witnesses must be adult (over 18) and be able to prove their identity, maybe it varies in different areas
I also looked it up online and, as a previous poster said, there is no legal minimum age. some settings might have their own restrictions but, legally speaking, any age is OK. I remember googling it when this came up before as I couldn't believe you didn't need to be an adult.
westenddweller · 26/08/2020 17:43

I got married in secret. Well, apart from my two friends being witnesses so not 100% secret.

Didn't tell any family or friends until afterwards. Most were pleased (or lied really well!).

My father in law invited himself to our honeymoon afterwards Hmm

Sorry can't suggest a solution to the Thursday thing but just reading thread with interest.

Congratulations in advance OP!

FelicisNox · 26/08/2020 17:48

I think it's very romantic, very SATC.

If it's in Bedfordshire I will be your witness.

RunningMum21 · 26/08/2020 17:57

Yes. Was lovely and we rang everyone the next day. We did take people we know to be the witnesses and had a meals afterwards. In the interests of transparency I was 7 months pregnant so this was our main motivation. We promised a party but 4 years later still haven't bothered! We had a reading and song.
Many years ago I was approached on a street in Edinburgh and was a witness for 2 strangers. They took us for a drink afterwards. Was very sweet and I still think about them when I hear the song they played.
Go for it!

HemlockStarglimmer · 26/08/2020 18:06

As I understand it you cannot legally marry in secret. Hence needing two witnesses.