He won’t sleep in the same bed as me

[cannotbebotheredanymore]

Totally ready to be told I’m being unreasonable here - in fact maybe then I’d stop being so upset about it.

Partner refuses to sleep in the same bed as me. We’ve been together for two years and have only shared a bed once. Admittedly, I snore. I take sedating mental health medication at night and I cannot change it (trialled so many, only one that seems to be working and it is not an option to stop right now without losing the will to live).

At first I hated it - I’d been with someone for years before and we had always shared the same bed. Well, until things got bad. I’ve also shared a bed with my sister recently and my friend in the past year. Both have said my snoring isn’t really bad and that they sleep fine through it.

When I’d ask him at first to try sleeping with me, he would get in bed in a huff and then I would literally lay there trying to not even breathe. If I breathed too heavy he would get irritated - and he still does now!

I’ve got used to it but it makes me sad and embarrassed. I’m only mid-twenties and it feels very odd to be going to bed in separate rooms every night.

We’ve got a baby now and I sleep in with the baby and he has his own room.

Tonight we are at his mum’s house for the night. He fell asleep on the sofa and I suggested he go to bed (in another room) and he said yeah he will. I said maybe I could come in with you? And he just said ‘I’m tired’. I said but we could both sleep in the room tonight? And he said ‘you and DS can’. I said I wanted to sleep in with him and he just said ‘I’m tired, I won’t sleep’.

Don’t get me wrong the relationship is good, sex life is good and we spend loads of time together - but this part of the relationship just doesn’t feel right to me at all... and I’m tired of it.

I know realistically I can’t really do anything about it because I can’t come off this medication (I didn’t snore before it). He says he can hear me through his headphones and earplugs.

I know if he can’t sleep with it it’s my own fault but - AIBU to feel upset about it?

Harsh as it may sound, if your snoring keeps him awake you can't expect him to suffer sleepless nights.

I can understand why he doesn’t want to sleep together if your snoring keeps him up. It can be really horrible to sleep with snoring going on- it’s an incredible irritating sound and difficult to sleep through.

However I wonder why you are the only one doing any nights with DS. Are you bf?

It's not within your control so it's OK to feel hard done by but it's not under his control either and to be fair you don't have to endure it you're asleep..
I can't wait for my six month old to go to her own room because her and DH breath in stereo around me. Everyone has their limit to what irritation they can endure this is mine, your DH is just laying down his limit.

Hmm it's a tough one. My mum has spent most of her life getting crap sleep because my dad snores his head off. I wish for her sake she'd just sleep separately but she seems to think it's not the done thing.

Personally I really value my sleep. If either me or my partner has a cold (and therefore probably snoring or sneezing) we'll sleep in separate rooms. Life's too short to be tired and irritable.

We’re in a similar position ish...

My DH snores terribly, it’s got to the point where I can tell by his change in breathing when it’ll start. Therefore I can’t even stand it when it’s only like heavy breathing. It’s like it keeps me awake in the anticipation of getting woken up anyway.

He sleeps in a different room, which I hate (his choice) because when it wakes me I’ll just go in the other room anyway so I can get some sleep. It’s like a horrible habit that he goes in there straight away now so that we both get some sleep.

I don’t like our sleeping arrangements but I also don’t like being kept awake either.

Sleeping in separate rooms is what saved my marriage. DH and I both snore, sleeping together was torture. Until you experience lying there, so tired, and every snort, snuffle, breath even, just keeps you awake, you have no idea how soul destroying it is.
YABU to expect him to suffer, honestly. And just because others have managed to sleep beside you, doesn't mean he can. Everyone is different. If you force this issue you will make him resentful, unhappy, and drive a massive wedge between you.
You're asleep! You don't need him there.

I value my sleep.

When my DH snores and I can't sleep, I move for the night.

Sleep is too important.

Thanks, I appreciate the comments. I don’t expect him to suffer though, as I said we’ve only slept in a bed together once in our whole relationship.

The friend/sister who said they slept with you may be lying to preserve your feelings. I LOVE taking trips with my MIL to spas and such, but I have to usually sleep in the bathroom on the floor secretly or wear earplugs and noise cancelling headphones with a sound machine and STILL get 3 disturbed nights in a row. My DH now knows I need to go to sleep as soon as I return from our weekends away, and he takes the kids off! Snoring is awful, but if your DS sleeps with you, he will be great at sleeping through anything!

I snore, in the past it has greatly bothered some partners and not at all bothered others. My xdp was greatly bothered by it so I did quite a few years of the trying not to breath beside him. I tried so hard to pretend that I didn't miss the intimacy, and that I didn't feel lonely and rejected... Until eventually I genuinely stopped caring. That was the beginning of the end for us. I have no words of wisdom but you have my sympathy.

He might have misophonia. Honestly I swear I have that. I have to leave the room when my dh eats dinner...I get the absolute rage. This morning in bed, he was awake but I could hear the sound of him swallowing air...it is unbearable for me. I wouldn't necessarily take it personally

YANBU. My DH is a snorer too. I'm an insomniac. Sleepwise, it's a marriage made in hell. We sleep in separate rooms, it's the only way I can sleep. He falls asleep instantly and is so loud that friends who've been on holiday with him don't make the mistake of sharing a room with him twice. They used to laugh about it, when they heard that we sleep in separate rooms, but once they'd experienced it themselves they totally understood.

If your husband is a light sleeper, or has trouble falling asleep, your snoring will be like torture to him. Just imagine that you are drifting into a deep sleep, then someone wakes you by beeping a horn in your ear, which they then repeat every few seconds. You need to use your imagination and accept that your snoring is a real problem, and your preference to sleep in the same bed doesn't trump his need for sleep.

Earplugs can be uncomfortable when worn for hours on end, and large noise cancelling headphones are not practical to sleep in. Sometimes sleep apnoea causes snoring, (which can be helped with a special mask/oxygen device), so you might want to look into that, as it can be a dangerous condition. Sometimes a small operation on the throat can help alleviate the snoring, but it doesn't always work.

Sleeping on your back, being overweight, taking certain drugs, or drink alcohol before bed can all make snoring worse, so are things to consider. But the bottom line is that there is often no way to cure snoring, so it's often a case of seperate beds, to save the non-snorer's sanity.

To clarify, I pretended that I didn't mind him sleeping in another room. If he was in the mood for some romance he'd come to my room,and then slope off to the spare room after. I fucking hated it. But the pps are right, everyone should have their own limits and do what's best for themselves. He has decided his limit so you should decide yours too

Oops, typo - I meant to say YABU. Not for snoring, which you can't help, but for expecting your partner to put up with it. Sleep is so important.

Me and DP are very early 30's. We've not slept in the same bed for at least 5 years unless we're on holiday.
I love him more than anything. He would say the same.
He's very well built, snores, grinds his teeth, sweats...the idea of sharing the same bed with him makes me consider divorce despite not yet being married🤣

I may not have read your full post but sleeping seperately works for us.

I think this is something that needs to be normalised.

As you say, you are the one with the problem. For those without it, it's a relationship changer in the long term.

Just make sure you get plenty of cuddles before bed etc x

My husband snores quite badly. It's incredibly irratating when I'm trying to sleep and I long for a spare room. However I am pretty sure I'd still at least try and sleep in the same bed as him. I also love having a cuddle in bed. Could you compromise by going to bed together and he moves if the snoring is too bad? There is a machine that is available to help with snoring where you wear a mask at night. I don't know if it would help but you could ask your GP about it if you wish.
Out of interest do you have a two bedroom place? If so what's the plan as your son gets older? Is he expected to stay in your room forever?
Also if your son can sleep your snoring can't be that bad. It seems to me there is a reason beside the snoring that he won't sleep you but unless he opens up you can't sort it out.
If your relationship is good, if you still get affection then you have to decide if this is a
deal breaker.

I can't sleep next to snoring either. I'm afraid you will just have to accept this, it isn't his fault or yours.

We sleep separately, lived together 17, married 4. He worked away for years Monday to Friday.

I can sleep with his snoring but he can't with mine, so we sleep separately. It took me ages to accept this, I was very upset about it, sad, felt a connection was gone.

It isn't. We're happier, well rested, and our love life isn't really affected.

My DP and I sleep in separate rooms due to his snoring. I know it sometimes bothers him that we don't go to bed together but I just can't sleep next to him. He falls asleep instantly and snores so, so loud, while I'm lying next to him, absolutely shattered and getting increasingly frustrated with every snore! Since we started sleeping in separate rooms (about a year ago), I get a great sleep and I don't feel grumpy and tired every morning, and he gets to sleep all night without me poking him in the ribs every few minutes. It hasn't negatively affected our relationship. While it would be lovely to cuddle up in bed together and fall asleep, that's not the reality!

So YANBU to feel upset, but you have to do what works best for you and your DP. It sounds like your relationship is good in all other aspects, so really, so what if you don't share a bed? A good night's sleep is important for both of you.

I’ve just Spent 2 weeks sharing a bed with DH on holiday. It’s hideous. I was lying awake until at least 3.30am listening to him snore.

I had to turn him onto his side several times a night. Like a nurse would turn a patient.

I downloaded an audio book. I took sleeping tablets. I wore earplugs. I put a pillow over my head. Nothing worked.

I often go to the other end of the bed, too. Though sadly most beds don’t have a ‘foot plate’ so my pillows fall off.

There is nothing so soul destroying as being kept awake by the sound of somebody sleeping. The ultimate irony. DH is pissed off I don’t like sleeping next to him. I wonder what he wants? Me lying there awake every night for the rest of my life?

Err...no!

If your partner can't sleep due to your snoring, what do you expect him to do? Become an absolute wreck because sleeping in the same bed makes you feel better? Chronic lack of sleep is disastrous. YABVVVVU

It's fine to feel upset, however it's cruel to ask someone who values sleep to put up with your snoring.

Let it go. There's no reason not to have a good relationship despite not sharing a bed. Ask to be referred to a sleep clinic to check there's nothing that can't be done about your snoring though, without having to come off the meds.

Are you overweight?

@cannotbebotheredanymore you’ve only slept in the same bed once? So presumably you’ve not tried earplugs, him going to bed first and you going once he’s asleep or anything else? I’m sorry but I think that’s bonkers

I am a light-sleeper, I need to sleep in full darkness with NO sound to have a decent night of sleep, any type of white noise at night irks me, and snoring is absolutely impossible for me to handle. I might bear it for a friend/one-night stand and just accept not to sleep much for a night but I could never go through it every night.

Snoring can be pure torture to light-sleepers and honestly while I know it's not the other person's fault it gives me the absolute rage at time to have to bear and listen to someone soundly sleeping at 3:30am when I have been tossing and turning and suffocating myself with a pillow to try and sleep through their breathing and cover the noise. I think if I had to go through it every night I would be so sleep-deprived and so annoyed I would really resent my partner and it likely would have a much more massive impact on our relationship than me sleeping in a different room.

I would look at what you could do to try and help the snoring on your hand but if there is nothing you can do I would not impose your snoring on your DP, sleep-deprivation is horrible and asking someone to sleep next to you just so they can hear you sleep while they remain wide awake all night is not reasonable. I think if I was to date a snorer I would be okay with cuddling in bed until they fell asleep (assuming it was within a reasonable timeframe) but I would move out as soon as the snoring starts, so if that's something he would be willing to do, maybe that could work?