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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He won’t sleep in the same bed as me

240 replies

cannotbebotheredanymore · 24/08/2020 23:11

Totally ready to be told I’m being unreasonable here - in fact maybe then I’d stop being so upset about it.

Partner refuses to sleep in the same bed as me. We’ve been together for two years and have only shared a bed once. Admittedly, I snore. I take sedating mental health medication at night and I cannot change it (trialled so many, only one that seems to be working and it is not an option to stop right now without losing the will to live).

At first I hated it - I’d been with someone for years before and we had always shared the same bed. Well, until things got bad. I’ve also shared a bed with my sister recently and my friend in the past year. Both have said my snoring isn’t really bad and that they sleep fine through it.

When I’d ask him at first to try sleeping with me, he would get in bed in a huff and then I would literally lay there trying to not even breathe. If I breathed too heavy he would get irritated - and he still does now!

I’ve got used to it but it makes me sad and embarrassed. I’m only mid-twenties and it feels very odd to be going to bed in separate rooms every night.

We’ve got a baby now and I sleep in with the baby and he has his own room.

Tonight we are at his mum’s house for the night. He fell asleep on the sofa and I suggested he go to bed (in another room) and he said yeah he will. I said maybe I could come in with you? And he just said ‘I’m tired’. I said but we could both sleep in the room tonight? And he said ‘you and DS can’. I said I wanted to sleep in with him and he just said ‘I’m tired, I won’t sleep’.

Don’t get me wrong the relationship is good, sex life is good and we spend loads of time together - but this part of the relationship just doesn’t feel right to me at all... and I’m tired of it.

I know realistically I can’t really do anything about it because I can’t come off this medication (I didn’t snore before it). He says he can hear me through his headphones and earplugs.

I know if he can’t sleep with it it’s my own fault but - AIBU to feel upset about it?

OP posts:
Tessabelle1 · 27/01/2021 15:10

@Bibidy my husband was in our bed last night with our 4 year old, I was in her room in her bed and I had to put white noise on my phone as I could STILL hear him! It's like once you hear a dripping tap or ticking clock, you can't stop hearing it, it literally gets in my head and drives me potty!

Bibidy · 27/01/2021 15:18

@sammylady37

*I just feel like it shouldn't be the major deciding factor in where you can go on holiday. Surely it leaves you massively restricted if you haven't got unlimited funds and you always need to be able to book 2 rooms?? .....

If we had to get 2 rooms every time we went on holiday we'd hardly ever be able to go anywhere at all*.

So would you be happy to pay hundreds or even thousands on a 14 day holiday, knowing that you wouldn’t get sleep, you would be shattered tired, probably irritable the next day, unable to fully appreciate or partake in activities due to your exhaustion, and then return home and have to face in to work more exhausted than when you finished to go on holidays a fortnight previously??

No but like I've said my partner does snore and I hate it too!! So we both do things to make it better.

So he always rolls over when I prod him and I use loud rain noises to drown him out!

I do understand how awful it is to sleep with a snorer but equally don't think OP's OH has done much to try and find a compromise either, while she's tried loads.

Socksey · 27/01/2021 15:19

I wish I voukd haveca different room to my OH....it's like sleeping beside a kangaroo... he moves and shifts throughout the night... snores and huffs and puffs... and basically keeps me awake... i try to fall asleep before he goes to be but often don't get to sleep in time ir he wakes me just as I've fallen asleep... he gets annoyed that I eventually go downstairs to sleep on the sofa.... then he chases up and down the stairs to check I'm ok etc and wakes me every time.... drives me nuts...
He works away sometimes during the week so I can getva little sleep buy he was home fir a month over Christmas and I didn't get more than 2 hours sleep any night.... I'm exhausted
So.... if everything else is fine in your relationship, then great.... there's no law to say you have to torture/sleep in the same bed as your partner... you'll both be happier if you both sleep

Socksey · 27/01/2021 15:19

Sorry.... fingers on my phone typed wierd spellings

Bibidy · 27/01/2021 15:20

[quote Tessabelle1]@Bibidy my husband was in our bed last night with our 4 year old, I was in her room in her bed and I had to put white noise on my phone as I could STILL hear him! It's like once you hear a dripping tap or ticking clock, you can't stop hearing it, it literally gets in my head and drives me potty![/quote]
Yeah totally get it don't worry....I feel the same! Sometimes once you've cottoned onto it you just can't not hear it can you.

I honestly feel for DP in this situation (just like I feel for myself!!) but just think there must be some middle ground to be reached before you start letting it dictate even your holidays. It just doesn't sound like he's even open to discussion about options to make it better.

MintyMabel · 27/01/2021 20:54

Good point!! Doesn't sound like he's given it a try if you've only shared a bed once.

I sleep at the other end of the house from OH. I know he snores every night.

MintyMabel · 27/01/2021 20:58

Can I also give a shout out to all those other people who decided separate rooms is the way forward.

It is such a taboo thing, people assume the relationship is terrible and there is no bond and we’re all going to see our relationships fail because of it. Does anyone else keep it a secret except from those close (and on the internet)?

itsraininghowlovely · 27/01/2021 22:26

Sorry but you absolutely can't expect him to stay in same bed with you if you snore and it's affecting his sleep. It's disastrous to his health to miss out on all that sleep. No it's not nice for you but it is what it is.

Dee1975 · 27/01/2021 22:29

Think of it another way - you are just very posh. The royals sleep in separate rooms ....

IncorrigibleTitmouse · 27/01/2021 22:39

Sorry, OP. I know you feel terrible about it because I know my DH does too. He snores so loudly that I can still hear him through two closed doors. I am a very light sleeper, and I do try to start the night off in my own bed but 5 nights out of 7 I end up in the guest room. I'd much rather just go straight in there instead of trying to fall asleep next to the sound of a cement mixer for an hour or two first, but it really hurts his feelings. I'm sure it really is just that he wants to get some sleep!

noblegreenk · 27/01/2021 23:56

I can sympathise as my situation is similar and I dont know what to do about it either. I snore and my husband can't stand it. I dont know why I do, as I'm not overweight and I didn't used to snore. The way my husband goes on about it you'd think I was a heavy snorer, but friends who've shared rooms with me have all unanimously told me it's very light and bearable. We've tried all over the counter remedies, sprays, strips, clips and even a bespoke mouth guard. My husband has tried sleeping tablets and various different earplugs, all to no avail. He sleeps in the spare room 5 nights a week. I've now gotten so used to sleeping separately that I prefer it and hate him coming back on those 2 other nights. This is because he keeps waking me up to stop me snoring or I feel too anxious to sleep. I'd happily sleep separately, as it doesn't affect our sex life, but my husband says he wants to be able to share a bed with me. I'm at a loss for what to do. If I go to my GP I'm worried about going down the surgery route and don't see why I should, when I think he's just overly sensitive to noise. Why should I have to go through surgery when I believe him to be an abnormally light sleeper? I just want my own room where I can sprawl out, get a good nights sleep and snore to my hearts content.

RootyT00t · 28/01/2021 00:14

@Aquamarine1029

Are you overweight?
Did you read the thread? Or even the OP?!
CharlotteRose90 · 28/01/2021 02:17

My ex used to snore like an absolute bear and omg I hated it. I never slept or if I did it was broken. Luckily he did opposite shifts to me so most of the time when he buggered off to work I went back to bed. It’s horrible and I would not date any guy now that snores it’s absolutely awful to listen too and wrecks your mood.

LizFlowers · 28/01/2021 03:23

As long as you, ahem, have some time in bed I wouldn't worry about sleeping together in the same bed all night. It's quite nice to have your own room, means you don't take each other for granted - or have to listen to snoring.

partyatthepalace · 28/01/2021 07:33

It’s fair enough to be sad about it, it’s certainly not your fault.

But I think you need to be sad... and then let it go. No one has everything perfect, and it sounds like everything else is good.

He’s not going to sleep in the same bed so I’d stop asking.

Does he do baby cover though?

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