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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He won’t sleep in the same bed as me

240 replies

cannotbebotheredanymore · 24/08/2020 23:11

Totally ready to be told I’m being unreasonable here - in fact maybe then I’d stop being so upset about it.

Partner refuses to sleep in the same bed as me. We’ve been together for two years and have only shared a bed once. Admittedly, I snore. I take sedating mental health medication at night and I cannot change it (trialled so many, only one that seems to be working and it is not an option to stop right now without losing the will to live).

At first I hated it - I’d been with someone for years before and we had always shared the same bed. Well, until things got bad. I’ve also shared a bed with my sister recently and my friend in the past year. Both have said my snoring isn’t really bad and that they sleep fine through it.

When I’d ask him at first to try sleeping with me, he would get in bed in a huff and then I would literally lay there trying to not even breathe. If I breathed too heavy he would get irritated - and he still does now!

I’ve got used to it but it makes me sad and embarrassed. I’m only mid-twenties and it feels very odd to be going to bed in separate rooms every night.

We’ve got a baby now and I sleep in with the baby and he has his own room.

Tonight we are at his mum’s house for the night. He fell asleep on the sofa and I suggested he go to bed (in another room) and he said yeah he will. I said maybe I could come in with you? And he just said ‘I’m tired’. I said but we could both sleep in the room tonight? And he said ‘you and DS can’. I said I wanted to sleep in with him and he just said ‘I’m tired, I won’t sleep’.

Don’t get me wrong the relationship is good, sex life is good and we spend loads of time together - but this part of the relationship just doesn’t feel right to me at all... and I’m tired of it.

I know realistically I can’t really do anything about it because I can’t come off this medication (I didn’t snore before it). He says he can hear me through his headphones and earplugs.

I know if he can’t sleep with it it’s my own fault but - AIBU to feel upset about it?

OP posts:
EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 25/08/2020 06:49

So your medication makes you snore, so presumably if you are snoring you're getting good quality sleep, even if partially drug induced.
Your snoring keeps partner awake, but you expect him to just put up with it? YABU

DancingCatGif · 25/08/2020 06:52

I can't sleep next to my husband because his snoring drives me crazy.

It's unfair of you to insist, lack of sleep is horrible

FippertyGibbett · 25/08/2020 06:54

Why do you need to sleep together - you’re asleep so you don’t know if he’s there or not !
As long as everything else is ok just go with it. Why should he be sleep deprived just because of your desire to be in the same bed.
There was another thread yesterday about separate bedrooms and it’s more common than you think.

AnyFucker · 25/08/2020 06:57

I wouldn't sleep with you either, sorry

Shoxfordian · 25/08/2020 06:58

We sleep separately, both get a good sleep and still really close. Yabu

Coffeecak3 · 25/08/2020 06:59

If you've only slept in a bed together once in your relationship then I'd be surprised if its the snoring. Unless your dp can hear it through the walls and its really loud.

WhyIsItSoHardToPickAUsername · 25/08/2020 07:03

I couldn't share a bed with someone who snores

Ziggyzaggy · 25/08/2020 07:03

My partner snores bless him. It's awful and extremely loud. He tends to sleep elsewear too. If he does sleep in the bed I end up going out the room lol. It's tricky. I can see both sides. If I fall asleep first I am sometimes able to not notice.

Many people snore. It's nothing to be embarrassed by x

moanyhole · 25/08/2020 07:08

We are married 15 years, together 19 years and apart froma few nights atbthe start of the relationshio have never shared a bed. He snores, everytime I move in the bed he wakes. Not a hope can we share a bed or even the same room. Its very common. Lack of sleep is a lot more detremental to a relationship than separate rooms

Intelinside57 · 25/08/2020 07:22

You're happy together and have a great sex life. Sleeping apart is nothing really, many more people do it than we realise. For some reason some people think there is something wrong about it, so it's not mentioned. My partner and I have separate rooms, it's brilliant, we both get a good night's sleep. When we were together his snoring and moving about kept me awake. My need to get up and move about sometimes due to chronic pain woke him up. Now we wake up rested and relaxed.

oakleaffy · 25/08/2020 07:36

Snoring is horrendous.
I dread going to a stay at a certain family member's house as she snores- and the sound permeates walls. She is slim, but my word, she can snore.

Do you sleep on your back, @cannotbebotheredanymore?
I woke myself up once, having done a sudden snort like a snore- but it must have been a one off- it sounded like a pig in a trough...I had fallen asleep while reading, on my back.🙂

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 25/08/2020 07:38

Very unfair of you to insist. I'm a very light sleeper. I could not sleep next to a person who is snoring. You should also not be sharing a bed with a baby if you have taken any sedating medication.

YABVU.

Ohhiiii · 25/08/2020 07:44

My DP didn't snore much to be fair, but we happened to buy memory foam shaped pillows and it stopped it overnight, he hasn't snored once since!

Thecobwebsarewinning · 25/08/2020 07:50

He has a point. I’ve been married 37 years to a snorer/profuse sweater who also suffers night terrors and farts uncontrollably. Last year I gave up and moved into the spare room. The difference in my sleep has been life changing. It makes me a bit sad but not sad enough to move back! I wish I’d done it years ago. Sleeping in the same bed is lovely if both of you can sleep but that’s not always possible.

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/08/2020 07:51

You can get snoring apps that tell you how bad it is. Dh didn’t believe me till he used one. He scored 120. Normal first time user score is 20.

ScrapThatThen · 25/08/2020 07:54

How is the relationship otherwise? It does sound odd that he won't try. Is he also worried about being disturbed by dc? My dh is a light sleeper, and he used to get really stressed about getting to sleep. The kids cured him. He still sleeps badly but he knows he can survive it.

FredaFrogspawn · 25/08/2020 07:55

We’re like this too. It’s incredibly reassuring to hear that we aren’t the only couple -by a long way - with their own rooms. I do get it though - it’s sad not to be able to wake up beside the person you love.

BigKnickers87 · 25/08/2020 07:55

My husband snores. I have earplugs and that’s usually okay unless he has a really bad night and then I’ll be woken from a dream by the sound of him snoring. I absolutely hate it and I’d have my own room in a heartbeat if we had space. I’d expect him to try earplugs and give it a few nights but if you’re keeping him awake then it’s fine for him to have his own room imo. Life is too short to be knackered and grumpy all the time.

bambinaballerina · 25/08/2020 07:58

Does he ever take your DS for the night or you do all the wakings?
My DH snores and after I while I just got used to it and now can't even hear it.

heartsonacake · 25/08/2020 07:59

YABU. It’s irrelevant what your friend/sister thinks of your snoring; it’s what he thinks that matters.

He can’t cope with it and he shouldn’t have to. He also hasn’t changed the goalposts — he’s always had to sleep separately due to your snoring so if you couldn’t deal with that you should have told him very early on. Not be moaning about it two years and a baby later.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 25/08/2020 08:02

I’d expect him to try earplugs

Why should he? How controlling. Earplugs do awful things to my sinuses. I see nothing wrong with the partner sleeping in another room if the OP snores. It's very disruptive to a lot of people. I wouldn't sleep with someone who snored because I wouldn't get to sleep.

newmum332 · 25/08/2020 08:02

I totally understand why you’d feel upset about it but at the same time I also understand how he feels. My DH snores occasionally and as soon as it starts I go into the spare room as I know I just won’t sleep. There are few worse things than lying awake next to someone snoring all night.

If every other part of your relationship is good as you say I’d let this one go if I were you. Don’t forget as well this is causing him to sleep alone too, you’re not the only one alone. I could see why he’d get annoyed if you continue to ask him to sleep in the same bed when it’s pretty clear why you don’t.

If I decide to sleep in the spareroom I’ll always get into bed with DH for a quick 5 min chat or cuddle etc. Then go through into the other room. Could you try that?

steff13 · 25/08/2020 08:04

Have you tried anything to stop the snoring? There are all kinds of products on the market that help stop snoring. If you want him to sleep with you, I think you need to see what you can do to accommodate him.

SerenDippitty · 25/08/2020 08:05

My DH usually decamps to the spare room at some point during the night, for my sake as much as his because he snores, though my heavy breathing disturbs him too. However we manage to share a bed quite happily when staying in hotels etc.

I wouldn't take it personally OP.

DragonPie · 25/08/2020 08:08

My FIL snores and I don’t know how my MIL tolerates it. We can hear it through walls it’s that bad. It keeps me awake! He’s never done anything about it.

Do you hear your baby if you take sedating medication?

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