He won’t sleep in the same bed as me

[cannotbebotheredanymore]

Totally ready to be told I’m being unreasonable here - in fact maybe then I’d stop being so upset about it.

Partner refuses to sleep in the same bed as me. We’ve been together for two years and have only shared a bed once. Admittedly, I snore. I take sedating mental health medication at night and I cannot change it (trialled so many, only one that seems to be working and it is not an option to stop right now without losing the will to live).

At first I hated it - I’d been with someone for years before and we had always shared the same bed. Well, until things got bad. I’ve also shared a bed with my sister recently and my friend in the past year. Both have said my snoring isn’t really bad and that they sleep fine through it.

When I’d ask him at first to try sleeping with me, he would get in bed in a huff and then I would literally lay there trying to not even breathe. If I breathed too heavy he would get irritated - and he still does now!

I’ve got used to it but it makes me sad and embarrassed. I’m only mid-twenties and it feels very odd to be going to bed in separate rooms every night.

We’ve got a baby now and I sleep in with the baby and he has his own room.

Tonight we are at his mum’s house for the night. He fell asleep on the sofa and I suggested he go to bed (in another room) and he said yeah he will. I said maybe I could come in with you? And he just said ‘I’m tired’. I said but we could both sleep in the room tonight? And he said ‘you and DS can’. I said I wanted to sleep in with him and he just said ‘I’m tired, I won’t sleep’.

Don’t get me wrong the relationship is good, sex life is good and we spend loads of time together - but this part of the relationship just doesn’t feel right to me at all... and I’m tired of it.

I know realistically I can’t really do anything about it because I can’t come off this medication (I didn’t snore before it). He says he can hear me through his headphones and earplugs.

I know if he can’t sleep with it it’s my own fault but - AIBU to feel upset about it?

YANBU to be upset at sleeping apart, but YABU to expect him to sleep with you, and there's the rub. My OH snores and I'm a light sleeper. Oddly, I have found this helps me because I'm used to my sleep being interrupted and have trained myself, by and large, to get back to sleep when woken. But I wouldn't expect other people to do that. OH snores intermittently and some nights not at all. He does it if he sleeps on his back and if I nudge him he rolls onto his side and then we both get back to sleep. If he snored all the time I couldn't share a bed with him.

If everything really is as hunky dory as you say, and given you already have a child with him, I think this is something you need to accept. It's possible you won't always need the medication or that new medications with fewer side effects will be developed, so you may find things change in future.

Your sister and your friend may have been lying so as not to hurt your feelings, may just be deep sleepers, or may not have been affected because it was only for one night. I wouldn't take the fact that they can sleep in the same room as you as evidence that your partner should be able to.

@formerbabe

He might have misophonia. Honestly I swear I have that. I have to leave the room when my dh eats dinner...I get the absolute rage. This morning in bed, he was awake but I could hear the sound of him swallowing air...it is unbearable for me. I wouldn't necessarily take it personally

Same.

Eating noises and snoring make me feel murderous.

The first night in my own room I felt like I was staying in a hotel. All decorated to my specification. Lovely bed all to myself. Bliss.

Well, ok.
You can’t come off your medication.
What else have you tried to reduce your snoring?

I find snoring/heavy breathing /snuffing unbearable to the point where I want to cry from rage. It's my issue not DP's (he really only properly snores if he's a bit pissed or has a cold) but I've had issues with noises ever since I was tiny. Sleepovers were a nightmare, I'd always end up sleeping in the corridor and hoping no one found me on a loo trip.

My dad scrapes his teeth on forks too.. Makes me want to stick it in his ear.

So I do get how your DP feels. We have a white noise machine (which was nominally for baby dd but I now refuse to part with and she's in her own room and he's back in with me - 9m later! ) and I wear ear plugs it it's really getting to me. I do think your DP could show a bit of willing and if it doesn't work at least you tried? I know it shouldn't be an issue but I also grew up with my mum getting it in my head that separate rooms were a "bad sign" in a relationship

Eating noises and snoring make me feel murderous.

Me too. And drinking noises and any mouth noises. They make me feel murderous.

@AltheaThoon

Anyone who ever woke me for 'spontaneous sex' in the middle of the night was soon an ex. Ditto morning sex. Yuk. Dragon breath.

Yep! And also "spooning". Personally I need space to sleep. I don't want a warm body up against me or be able to feel someone breathing on me.

Oh yes, definitely.

I never understood why anybody would think it acceptable to wake a sleeping person just because they are feeling a bit horny 🙄

DP snores - sometimes it's fine, sometimes it's so bad I want to smother him - so loud, and right next to me, so if I want to guarantee a good night's sleep I wear earplugs (I don't like to all the time because I worry about not being able to hear the kids or whatever), or I put them in if he wakes me up with it. The good foam 3M ones are fantastic (as long as you squeeze them up and put them right in).

I would find it weird if DP never wanted to share a bed with me, even though I don't even really like sharing a bed (!) I would feel lonely I think.

On the other hand, an ex-boyfriend used to get very cross with me making any noise at all in bed - I think the peak was telling me off for blinking too loudly, and at the time I'd have described that relationship as healthy, so perhaps it's not all one way?

Some people are very sensitive to noise when trying to sleep, and others aren't. He clearly is. He can't help that anymore than you can help snoring. It sounds like he has tried if he has used headphones and ear plus. He has to sleep. I do know other couples who sleep separately due to similar issues. Its not unheard of.

Audiologists can make ear plugs made to fit each individuals ear shape, I've never used them so dont' know how good they are, so he could try those as a last ditch attempt. If it doesnt' work though you either have to learn to accept this sleeping arrangement or get a new partner who is a heavier sleeper.

If he only has ever slept with you ONCE then I would say he has no idea if it’s that much of an issue. It means he hasn’t been happy to even try again (things change after a few years). Not even for your sake.

I would assume he just doesn’t like sharing a bed and anything is a reason good enough to say NO about sharing a bed.

The problem I have here is that it has been a unilateral decision. Having separate bedrooms works for many people. But it has to be a joint decision otherwise the other party is likely to feel rejected.
I’m also wondering how you can go away on hols together. Sharing a hotel room etc... or is it a case where you are happy to pay x2 the price or not go away at all?

Some people just don't like sleeping in a bed with someone else, regardless of snoring, it is not a personal insult to their partner, or proof that they don't really love their partner. I love my own bed, all to myself, and now I am old and widowed, it is one of the benefits I relish!

We’ve got a baby now and I sleep in with the baby and he has his own room.

So does that mean you do the night shift permanently? If so I can see the attraction of sleeping in the spare room from his PoV.

If you are snoring it is worth getting yourself checked out for conditions such as apnoea. Don't be fobbed off by a GP blaming it on other drugs/not overweight etc, anyone can have apnoea and it should be assessed/treated.

If he is a particularly light sleeper and its an ongoing problem then you need to consider how he is going to do his share of night parenting and what happens when the baby grows. If others share with you without a problem has he tried ear plugs?

My partner snores like a fucking warthog, won't do anything about it, won't go to another room (I can't because co sleeping with the toddler still so need the space), and then treats me like shit because I make him get up in the mornings and deal with the toddler so I can make up 20 minutes sleep after I've spent half the night fucking listening to him. Then tells me I'm 'grumpy'. And 'never do the mornings'.
Truly, you are being so unreasonable. I can't tell you how exhausted I am every single day because of the disrupted sleep

You need to cut that thread that your relationship is hanging by. Anyone who expects their partner to suffer the life-diminishing awfulness of chronic sleep deprivation is not a person worth holding onto. It's utterly selfish, and shows a lack of caring or respect for you.

While I do agree with c8 he should be doing his share, I tried ear plugs and they didn’t help. It isn’t just the noise, it’s the sort of awareness of someone else which can be really difficult to wind down with and then relax.

I could sleep through DPs snoring if it was regular. But if I roll over, he stops snoring, then he starts again. He rolls, I roll, I have to try not to stretch out so I don’t kick him ... I do think it’s my issue but I can’t help it. And sleep is so important, especially to new parents.

My DH snores. For years I slept with earplugs, which was uncomfortable and made me feel slightly sick . The sleep deprivation is worse than the early baby years, when you can at least get some sleep when the baby eventually does themselves. I swear I aged 10 years in about 2. There is a reason sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. If I asked him to turn over he would get very annoyed about being woken up. I now sleep in a separate room and wish I had done so years ago.

Be fair. You can't expect him to tolerate being woken constantly in the night just because you want to sleep in the same bed.

@MrsOldma your ideas just don't work. Going to bed first just means getting woken up again, and ear plugs don't block out really bad snoring. I've tried everything, and tolerated 18 years of sleep deprivation before admitting defeat. It's shit, especially when the person doing the snoring doesn't appreciate just how intolerable the situation is.

My DH is an incredibly light sleeper and finds it almost impossible to go back to sleep if he's woken up, so I do absolutely see your OHs point. If he's up for trying earplugs, there is a noise-cancelling brand called (I think) Isolate, which DH swears by - much more effective than normal ones. Maybe worth a try? Also, for you, there are those little nose clip things (sold in any pharmacy) to alleviate snoring - my mum said they were very effective!

If everything else is good in your relationship and you still feel as if you're getting the intimacy and closeness you need, in the end fighting over a duvet or breathing in someone else's farts all night isn't all it's cracked up to be. Separate rooms seems quite sensible to me 😂

tried ear plugs and they didn’t help. It isn’t just the noise, it’s the sort of awareness of someone else which can be really difficult to wind down with and then relax

Oh I completely agree, ear plugs may not help but I'd like to know what he has tried. I live with a sleep apnoea sufferer and the fact that he didn't wake up one day with a hammer in his head is evidence of my super saintly nature I absolutely think she should get herself checked for sleep iissues.

However its also jolly convenient to nip off to the spare room and leave OP to do all the baby care. I'm trying to gauge what effort he is putting into this vs how much is just convenient.

@QuestionMarkNow The problem I have here is that it has been a unilateral decision. Having separate bedrooms works for many people. But it has to be a joint decision otherwise the other party is likely to feel rejected.

Are you for real? It has to be a joint decision? So someone's right to not real rejected trumps someone else's right to sleep? What if they say no? Does that mean you have to spend the rest of your life without sleep? Seriously?

I make DH sleep in the spare room because of his snoring. DS co-sleeps with me so there’s not really any room for him anyway (we are both starfish lol). DH keeps suggesting DS goes in his own room and I’m like “nah”, cos I’d rather not sleep with him. I can hear his snoring sometimes from down the corridor and have to put white noise on to block it out. He used to get really cross with me as I used to poke him if he snored anyway. He’s better off where he is!

Anyone who also tried to force me to use earplugs would be an ex as well. No one owes you sharing a bed. He said no, he can't get to sleep. If that's a dealbreaker then the OP should have made that so long before this, not now trying to force him to do what she wants . Can only imagine how this thread would have gone had this been a woman with a snoring partner who was trying to force her to try earplugs, insisting she 'give it a try', etc.

As for his share of night parenting, if she's breastfeeding it's not like he can feed the baby and really, she should be co-sleeping with a baby if she's taking sedative drugs.

@thunderstormsaredue well done you for trying for 18 years. OPs DH managed one night

My DH and i started to sleep in seperate rooms once my son moved out. I love it. I have my own space, i can watch my laptop until the early hours which i couldnt do before. Im a snorer and my husband grinds his teeth and twitches in his sleep so we are really not compatable as bed partners! I think it happens more in relationships that people are willing to let on. It saved my marriage for sure!

Read some of the snoring threads on here where MNers say that their partners snoring makes them want to smother him with a pillow - it really gives people the rage! Honestly, the damage it will do your relationship if he’s kept awake night after night by your snoring will be huge. As long as he helps out with the baby/cooking etc during the day it’s not a bad thing for him to get a good nights sleep if you’re still being woken either. Or he can take the baby in with him some nights if you’re not BFing to give you an uninterrupted nights sleep.

My DP and I have had separate double beds (same room) for years and it’s bliss. (Only annoying thing is that he doesn’t make his bed!) He not only snores but tosses and turns and steals the blankets, so this has been the only way I get a good nights sleep.

It means hotels are tricky because two singles are rubbish for having sex, so ideally we need a room with two double beds - easy in the US but not in Europe generally, so we end up paying for a family room with a sofa bed etc most places we go.

Good sleep is the foundation to health and happiness so don’t let a feeling that it’s unromantic stop you from doing what’s best all round. As long as you still have cuddles and affection outside the bedroom and manage to come together for sex regularly you’ll be fine.

Oh and I wear earplugs too, and sometimes an eye mask in case the kids open the door and let light in! I’m a very light sleeper.

Sorry @steff13. The first paragraph was aimed at the OP, not you.

The second paragraph agrees with you.