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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He won’t sleep in the same bed as me

240 replies

cannotbebotheredanymore · 24/08/2020 23:11

Totally ready to be told I’m being unreasonable here - in fact maybe then I’d stop being so upset about it.

Partner refuses to sleep in the same bed as me. We’ve been together for two years and have only shared a bed once. Admittedly, I snore. I take sedating mental health medication at night and I cannot change it (trialled so many, only one that seems to be working and it is not an option to stop right now without losing the will to live).

At first I hated it - I’d been with someone for years before and we had always shared the same bed. Well, until things got bad. I’ve also shared a bed with my sister recently and my friend in the past year. Both have said my snoring isn’t really bad and that they sleep fine through it.

When I’d ask him at first to try sleeping with me, he would get in bed in a huff and then I would literally lay there trying to not even breathe. If I breathed too heavy he would get irritated - and he still does now!

I’ve got used to it but it makes me sad and embarrassed. I’m only mid-twenties and it feels very odd to be going to bed in separate rooms every night.

We’ve got a baby now and I sleep in with the baby and he has his own room.

Tonight we are at his mum’s house for the night. He fell asleep on the sofa and I suggested he go to bed (in another room) and he said yeah he will. I said maybe I could come in with you? And he just said ‘I’m tired’. I said but we could both sleep in the room tonight? And he said ‘you and DS can’. I said I wanted to sleep in with him and he just said ‘I’m tired, I won’t sleep’.

Don’t get me wrong the relationship is good, sex life is good and we spend loads of time together - but this part of the relationship just doesn’t feel right to me at all... and I’m tired of it.

I know realistically I can’t really do anything about it because I can’t come off this medication (I didn’t snore before it). He says he can hear me through his headphones and earplugs.

I know if he can’t sleep with it it’s my own fault but - AIBU to feel upset about it?

OP posts:
Bibidy · 27/01/2021 11:22

@cannotbebotheredanymore

My sister was definitely not being polite - she’s 21 and tells it like it is haha! As do my friend (I’m 25). We do stay in my bed together until he goes up and yes he helps with the night feeds. If we do go away though it’s hard because he absolutely will not share a room with me so will only go if we book two rooms or a lodge with two rooms - which is more expensive.
I think this is unreasonable on his part.

I appreciate sleeping in different rooms when you're at home, but allowing it to dictate where/how you can holiday is ridiculous.

As I said, my DP is a heavy snorer but when we go away I either take my bluetooth speaker to play white noise (rain) over him, or I wear headphones and play rain through those. We wouldn't consider getting separate rooms.

MintyMabel · 27/01/2021 11:29

My DP and I sleep in separate rooms due to his snoring.

Exactly the same here, @alula. Our relationship improved when I was no longer sleep deprived.

sammylady37 · 27/01/2021 11:31

I appreciate sleeping in different rooms when you're at home, but allowing it to dictate where/how you can holiday is ridiculous

What’s ridiculous about it? It wouldn’t be much of a holiday for him if he was exhausted from lying awake every night listening to snoring. Most people like to sleep more on holidays, not less. If they have to have separate rooms at home to enable them both sleep, it’s fairly logical they’d need the same on holidays.

Bibidy · 27/01/2021 11:38

@sammylady37

I appreciate sleeping in different rooms when you're at home, but allowing it to dictate where/how you can holiday is ridiculous

What’s ridiculous about it? It wouldn’t be much of a holiday for him if he was exhausted from lying awake every night listening to snoring. Most people like to sleep more on holidays, not less. If they have to have separate rooms at home to enable them both sleep, it’s fairly logical they’d need the same on holidays.

I just feel like it shouldn't be the major deciding factor in where you can go on holiday. Surely it leaves you massively restricted if you haven't got unlimited funds and you always need to be able to book 2 rooms??

As I said, my DP also snores and I'm a very light sleeper so I do appreciate what a pain in the arse it is. But I know that he can't change it so I take steps to make it easier for me to sleep in the same room - either wearing headphones or playing white noise on my speaker so that the steady level of sounds means he won't wake me up.

If we had to get 2 rooms every time we went on holiday we'd hardly ever be able to go anywhere at all!

Aprilx · 27/01/2021 11:41

I appreciate sleeping in different rooms when you are at home, but allowing it to dictate where / how you can holiday is ridiculous.

It really isn’t, I can’t not sleep for fourteen nights. We have had some awful holidays due to snoring. I have been up all night, sleeping in shifts, one time DH slept on the balcony, there was no lounge chair, he lay on a hard balcony. Ear plugs, and my noise cancelling headphones are not sufficient.

We now look for accommodation that has a separate living area and sleeping area when we go away and holidays are much better for it.

corythatwas · 27/01/2021 11:54

I accepted a poor quality of sleep for nearly 30 years because I loved dh so much and didn't want to upset him. My only respite was when dc were little and came into our bed because with a wriggling child he didn't have room to sleep on his back and there was no way a child, wriggling or not, could be as disruptive to my sleep as his snoring. Because he goes to bed earlier than me and can't sleep if there is a light on, I also had to accept that I could never, ever read in bed which is one of my favourite things to do. At the start of the pandemic I decided I couldn't do this any longer. I now sleep downstairs on the sofa- and it's bliss!

We brought up 2 babies together, I breastfed on demand, and later both babies had croup at regular intervals, but even so- when I think of sleep deprivation, it's dh's snoring I think of. The other things were passing and intermittent, once the baby stopped screaming or started breathing normally I went back to sleep. Dh never stops snoring!

My DM (not at all overweight and a teetotaller) is such a heavy snorer that she keeps people awake on a different floor.

Torvean · 27/01/2021 11:59

Did you not snore at all before the medication.
Can I ask which one it is.

MintyMabel · 27/01/2021 11:59

I appreciate sleeping in different rooms when you're at home, but allowing it to dictate where/how you can holiday is ridiculous.

Because I should be sleep deprived on holidays too?

We always book separate rooms. We tried all staying in one room once but after being awake for hours from 1am because DD also couldn’t sleep and was really whiny and annoyed about it to the point I considered packing us two up in the car and going home, we will never stay in the same room again.

babbaloushka · 27/01/2021 12:11

How do you know you're snoring when you've tried all those things?

MrsSmith2021 · 27/01/2021 12:17

I understand why you’re upset about it. But I am a really light sleeper and even my husbands feel breathing disturbs me. Two nights a week he sleeps on the sofa to give me a good nights sleep. We are considering extending our house so he has his own room permanently! It makes me a much happier person and less stressed knowing I am getting a good nights sleep.

ServeTheServants · 27/01/2021 12:19

I think you are being unreasonable. If your snoring is keeping him awake, it doesn’t matter that it didn’t affect your sister / friend. It does affect him and that’s what matters.

I suggest he invest in some Bose Sleep Buds. My husband and I had to sleep separately for a long time, but these have genuinely changed my life. They aren’t cheap, but it’s been the best investment I’ve made in a long time. I can no longer hear him snore at all.

IndieTara · 27/01/2021 12:20

An ex fiancé of mine snored like a rhino and also hated it when I went to sleep on the sofa. He used to come and wake me up to go back to bed!
It's the main reason he is an ex

Bibidy · 27/01/2021 12:39

@babbaloushka

How do you know you're snoring when you've tried all those things?
Good point!! Doesn't sound like he's given it a try if you've only shared a bed once.
SarahGoode · 27/01/2021 12:56

Snoring is a terrible, awful thing to try to sleep beside. Snorers tend to minimise their snoring and carry a list in their head of people who have endured it. Some of us just can't endure it. I think YABVU

RandomMess · 27/01/2021 13:00

Me and DH sleep apart otherwise I would have murdered him. Our relationship is much happier now he is not the main cause of my lack of sleep and I do get more sleep now he's in a different room.

However we do go to bed together in the evenings for a cuddle and usually just cuddle etc then when it's sleep time he goes to his room.

Fairyliz · 27/01/2021 13:03

DH and I started sleeping in separate bedrooms when I couldn’t stand his snoring anymore.
Best thing I ever did. I get a good nights sleep now, wake up refreshed and never fall asleep on the settee anymore.
I can’t believe I spent 20 years in such a half asleep state.

sammylady37 · 27/01/2021 13:05

*I just feel like it shouldn't be the major deciding factor in where you can go on holiday. Surely it leaves you massively restricted if you haven't got unlimited funds and you always need to be able to book 2 rooms??
.....

If we had to get 2 rooms every time we went on holiday we'd hardly ever be able to go anywhere at all*.

So would you be happy to pay hundreds or even thousands on a 14 day holiday, knowing that you wouldn’t get sleep, you would be shattered tired, probably irritable the next day, unable to fully appreciate or partake in activities due to your exhaustion, and then return home and have to face in to work more exhausted than when you finished to go on holidays a fortnight previously??

Tigger85 · 27/01/2021 13:16

My dp breathes heavily and snores, he falls asleep quickly and deeply and I get absolutely no sleep at all if he is in the same room. We tried it for awhile, he told me to kick him if it got too much. It just caused us both to get no sleep and to get very irritable, id kick him and tell him to stop and within minutes he would be doing it again. He sleeps in the box room for now. You cannot live long term with little to no sleep, it massively affects your quality of life and ability to function.

Grumpasaurus · 27/01/2021 13:51

DH and I sleep in separate rooms. His snoring (and HEAT, god he is like a bloody furnace) nearly killed our marriage. I don't feel human when I don't sleep. It was like nightly torture.

RandomMess · 27/01/2021 14:01

Yep the falling asleep when his hit the pillow, the heavy breathing, duvet theft, heat, touching me (at all) - all issues as well as the snoring Blush

independentfriend · 27/01/2021 14:57

Do you know why you want to share a bed?

If it's a cultural norm that's leading to you feeling sad/upset "that couples should share a bed", challenge it.

Turning the whole thing round: if you can afford a home with enough bedrooms so each adult has their own personal space, why wouldn't you?

Why would you want your partner to sleep less well sharing a bed with you than you each having your own bed?

Work on the basis of this being his choice - he sleeps better by himself, rather than simply a result of you snoring/your medication. You can't change other people's behaviour.

Do you want to cuddle him as you fall asleep? (he might be up for that on the basis he'd go to his own bed once you were sleeping)

Do you want more / different sex? (again he might be up for that without sharing a bed)

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 27/01/2021 14:59

I cannot sleep through snoring and I would never try again

mummytolittledragons · 27/01/2021 15:01

In fairness to your dp, sharing a
Bed with a chronic snorer is hell. My dp snores badly. We sleep separately now to preserve both of our sanities . I use to wake him after he work me Grin

nuitdesetoiles · 27/01/2021 15:06

It's reassuring to see that so many people sleep separately from their partners. DH snoring was destroying our family as we were all awake and the DC's could hear him through the walls. He finally got an assessment, he has sleep apnoea and a CPAP machine. However I'm so sensitised and such a light sleeper I just can't sleep next to him so we sleep separately. I do try sleeping next to him at weekends but often end up getting up and coming downstairs just so I can settle. Holidays we always make sure we have enough space so we all get some sleep. We don't stay over at friends/families houses for a variety of reasons but this being one of them.

InTheDrunkTank · 27/01/2021 15:08

I wouldn't sleep all night with someone who snores. There is no way I could sleep through it and if I'm sleep deprived I'm irritable, depressed and generally not a great person. That said I'd be willing to snuggle next to them or fall asleep there until the snoring woke me up at least on some occasions.