He won’t sleep in the same bed as me

[cannotbebotheredanymore]

Totally ready to be told I’m being unreasonable here - in fact maybe then I’d stop being so upset about it.

Partner refuses to sleep in the same bed as me. We’ve been together for two years and have only shared a bed once. Admittedly, I snore. I take sedating mental health medication at night and I cannot change it (trialled so many, only one that seems to be working and it is not an option to stop right now without losing the will to live).

At first I hated it - I’d been with someone for years before and we had always shared the same bed. Well, until things got bad. I’ve also shared a bed with my sister recently and my friend in the past year. Both have said my snoring isn’t really bad and that they sleep fine through it.

When I’d ask him at first to try sleeping with me, he would get in bed in a huff and then I would literally lay there trying to not even breathe. If I breathed too heavy he would get irritated - and he still does now!

I’ve got used to it but it makes me sad and embarrassed. I’m only mid-twenties and it feels very odd to be going to bed in separate rooms every night.

We’ve got a baby now and I sleep in with the baby and he has his own room.

Tonight we are at his mum’s house for the night. He fell asleep on the sofa and I suggested he go to bed (in another room) and he said yeah he will. I said maybe I could come in with you? And he just said ‘I’m tired’. I said but we could both sleep in the room tonight? And he said ‘you and DS can’. I said I wanted to sleep in with him and he just said ‘I’m tired, I won’t sleep’.

Don’t get me wrong the relationship is good, sex life is good and we spend loads of time together - but this part of the relationship just doesn’t feel right to me at all... and I’m tired of it.

I know realistically I can’t really do anything about it because I can’t come off this medication (I didn’t snore before it). He says he can hear me through his headphones and earplugs.

I know if he can’t sleep with it it’s my own fault but - AIBU to feel upset about it?

@thunderstormsaredue, yes I am. Why???

The OP’s DP tried for ONE night. He didn’t try to use ear plugs like so many PP on this thread. He didn’t talk to her and see what the GP could do. They didn’t talk about any other possibility ds to alleviate the snoring issue. He didn’t try for a few nights just to see if he could get use to it/volume of snoring changed/some things were making the snoring better or worse. He just refuses to sleep with her even though it is clear that it is making her unhappy.

And that’s with a background of the OP sleeping with other people and knowing her snoring isn’t that bad (obviously this will change from day to the day and some people are more sensitive etc...).

I’ve also noticed the OP mentioning that it’s ‘her fault’ as if she could do a lot about it. Which makes me wonder why she has that opinion as well as how he has talked to her about the snoring etc... aka it’s YOUR fault if I m not sleeping in the same bed than you, get over it type of answer.

So yes. If one has been trying to sleep for weeks (let alone months or years) with someone snoring and nothing is working, then fair enough. I would imagine the decision will be a joint decision of having separate bedrooms.
But that’s not what the DP has done here at all.

While I do agree with c8 he should be doing his share, I tried ear plugs and they didn’t help. It isn’t just the noise, it’s the sort of awareness of someone else which can be really difficult to wind down with and then relax

And this. As a light sleeper, someone only has to stand next to my bed and I’m awake. If Dap touches my mattress as he gets out of bed he wakes me, or if he closes the drawer too hard when he’s getting ready or isn’t gentle with the bathroom lock, I can hear it even with earplugs in. Believe me I’m a much nicer person when I’ve had my 10 8 hours

And? He has to try? If this was such a dealbreaker then she should have cut it off long before this point. She's an adult, too, so she goes to the GP to sort it out.

People are allowed to make any decisions regarding their person that they'd like. They don't have to try anything or put up with weeks of shit sleep for anyone. If that's not agreeable to a person they are seeing or dating, then the onus is on the latter to say this is a dealbreaker and end things; not expect the former to try whatnot to accommodate.

@QuestionMarkNow. The thing is if I lived my life again I'd move after one night too. Yes I tried for 18 years. The damage it did to my health from the lack of sleep, and our marriage from the resentment was just not worth it. I was a complete doormat about it. The OPs DP has the confidence and self respect to say actually I can't tolerate it, and well done to him. I wish I'd had the confidence to take the same stance.

@InDeoEstMeaFiducia has put it very well.

My friends DH snores terribly! She just wears earplugs .So loud can hear in the guest room! Difficult to know what to do really .Will he maybe agree to a W/E arrangement so he doesnt have to get up early the next day? Could you see the GP again in case a small operation may be possible do you think?I agree that its hard for him but you are so young its a shame for you both really .What about single beds .Not a complete answer but maybe may help a little .

I will never stare a bed with a snorer ever, nit for one night. It is absolute torture. I had 20 years of my ex snoring and he made an absolute fuss if .i wanted separate rooms are dared to wake him up to turn over. It’s easy for the snorer to want to share. With young children you need your sleep and once asleep what dies it matter whether you are in the same bed ir not?

*share

Is there anything at all you can do to help reduce the snoring? Nasal strips, loose weight etc?

I couldn’t share a room with a snorer and DH are the same in that way, I know if we put weight on then we are more prone to snoring in certain positions so that is the sign we take to loose weight or it would be separate rooms for us. Both our families snore and I don’t know why my SIL hasn’t murdered by BIL as his snoring is so bad we can hear it in a separate room down the hallway with doors closed. We take sleeping pills if we stay at their house!

MIL and FIL have different rooms otherwise I think it would have been murder or divorce.

I can see both sides here. My partner has awful night terrors, he wakes up most nights, sits straight up in bed and says that there's people in the hours/room. He gets up and runs round the house checking everything, he's pinned me down and screamed in my face, I've been punched in the back, kicked. Its genuinely terrifying for us both. I also suffer from generalised anxiety disorder, and due to a lots of breaks ins recently this is one of the things I'm really anxious about, so his night terrors are feeding my anxiety about that, I have to get up check, I get maybe 2/3 hours a night. I also worry about the effect being that frightened every night (and I mean proper heart pounding terror) is having on my health. I asked my DP if he could maybe sleep on the sofa a few times a week so we could both have a decent nights sleep, and he felt quite hurt by it (which i understand because the only times one of us sleeps on the sofa is if we've had a row), but its genuinely making me ill not sleeping, I have a constant headache and always feel sick and shakey.

But it does feel so weird not having him sleeping in the bed with me and I always feel so guilty about it. But it needs to be done for both of us as it was having an effect on our relationship, I was always grumpy and tired and was starting to resent him for something he couldn't control.

Maybe you could do something together before you go to bed? Watch a film or even just sit with a drink and chat? Or maybe on the weekend mornings (assuming he/you has then off) he could come and join you in bed for a bit, so you still have time together, but you both get a decent night's sleep.

Sleeping with a snorer can be detrimental to the persons mental health. I cried at times lying beside my DH who snored everynight, he did nothing about it and would get angry if I dared wake him to roll over. I would go to my DC room and sleep in there. Sometimes the snorer can be selfish and not fully appreciate how awful it can be. Especially if they do nothing to try and resolve the situation. My DH wouldnt try anything to improve the situation and had the cheek to suggest my sleep was not his issue. It is only now he understands how sleep deprivation is damaging as he cant sleep himself due to illness.

Dotty1219 That sounds genuinely terrifying for you!Can your partner seek some help? Sounds a bit like PTSD maybe .If he could get counselling that would maybe be helpful for both of you.

I don’t think some snorers understand how awful they are to sleep beside. It’s endless - a horrible cacophony of snorts, whistling through teeth like a Force 10 gale, gulping and swallowing, and an awful kind of singing, lowing sound.

My ex-H snored and it almost drove me crazy from lack of sleep. I knew he’d start moments after he fell asleep. I tried to re-position him (he was worse on his back) but then he was grumpy because I’d woken him up. Nevermind the fact it was 3am and I hadn’t been able to sleep at all. It was like being tortured night after night.

I write that because it’s hard as the snorer to get just how disruptive it can be for the other person. I was in tears every night.

So - as long as the rest of your relationship is ok, let him sleep apart from you. You can maybe sit in bed together before ‘lights out’ or when you both wake up, but don’t make him suffer beside you. He’ll resent you and it will ruin your relationship.

The fact it’s not your fault doesn’t matter. It’s not a judgement on you. It’s a practical solution to something that’s unbearable - being deprived of sleep night after night.

The problem I have here is that it has been a unilateral decision. Having separate bedrooms works for many people. But it has to be a joint decision otherwise the other party is likely to feel rejected.

He's entitled to unilaterally decide that he doesn't want to/can't sleep with the OP for any reason at all, really. It does not have to be a joint decision. If sharing a bed is important to the OP, then I think the onus is in her to try to resolve the snoring.

I agree with you steff13

@dottiedodah we're currently speaking to a dr who's given him 2 week course of ametryptoline (they're not doing anything but we have to jump through all the drs hoops before he can be referred to a sleep clinic). He's pissed me off this morning because the dr has also said when it happens in the night to check his blood sugar levels (type 1 diabetic) to see if there's a link. But he's not bothering because "he knows it's not" (when in reality it's because he's too bloody lazy, falling to/back to sleep is super easy for him). He's not getting my point that it doesn't matter if it is or isn't his blood sugar, the point is he needs to do it as he's been told to, if he doesn't the dr can't tick that box and move on, which means it won't get resolved.

YABU because lack of sleep is absolutely horrible. And I know, I got 4 broken hours a night for six months sleeping next to my snoring boyfriend. I was miserable at work, the weekends, on holiday.

I was going to leave him because of it. I was sick to death of being made to feel guilty and like a bad person for believing that my need was sleep was important. I was so tired, so depressed, almost lost my job and became suicidal. Then I moved rooms, slept like a normal person, and was back to my normal self within a week, although I know have a lot of anxiety around sleep.

To be honest, if someone had told me how awful it was going to be sleeping with a snorer like that (a snorer who underestimates the impact of the noise), I would not have got together with DP. I hate sleeping alone, it's embarrassing. But no way am I spending the next 60 years miserable because of his soft palate.

I see your DP has only shared a bed with you once. I certainly would try to resolve the issue with greater effort than that, he hasn't even tried.

But to be honest, you don't seem to have tried to curb the snoring, you could try mouth guards etc. My boyfriend won't try anything so us sleeping in different rooms is his fault. I have bought him numerous products (expensive products) which he wont use and for myself, I have used:

• ear plugs
• noise cancelling headphones (three different types)
• hypnosis
• sleeping pills
• excessive alcohol

None of them allow me to sleep through his snoring. I don't see why he should suffer because of you. Maybe you should both make more effort.

You could discuss if there are things you can do that might make him willing to try again, but I'd try to focus more on other ways you can get what you feel you're missing.

My spouse works nights, I'm days so we rarely sleep at the same time. I've found I sleep much better this way (best night sleeps are when he's home but not in bed) and on days I try for a lie in, I struggle to sleep once he's in bed unless I'm really unwell/short of sleep.

I did miss having wake up conversations, so sometimes I'll go to or wait in our room until he comes in so we can talk or arrange things so we have time to talk when he gets up.

Thanks for all the comments. I guess IABU. Just wanted to add though that I’m not insisting on it or being cruel about it - hence we’ve only shared a bed once. And to answer a couple of questions, I don’t share a bed with my baby, not sure where it said that? I am in the same room as my baby - he is in a cot.

And in regards to hotels etc, we don’t go unless it’s cheap enough that we can pay for two separate rooms. Which isn’t often.

Have you actually tried to get help for your snoring?

You don’t need to stop your medication but there are a multitude of other things you can do. If you’re not even making the effort to stop then of course he won’t share.

@cannotbebotheredanymore you buy TWO hotel rooms?!? Like I said earlier....bonkers

Neither of you have made any effort and you’ve only shared a bed once? Nowt so queer as folk

So you haven’t tried anything to help stop your snoring then OP?

I feel like 1 day out of 2 yrs is not enough to rule out sleeping with you forever, your husband should try more to sleep with you, suck it up for even a week and during vacations too. I am ok with sleeping in separate rooms but at least people need to try for a little bit.

@Coolhand2

I feel like 1 day out of 2 yrs is not enough to rule out sleeping with you forever, your husband should try more to sleep with you, suck it up for even a week and during vacations too. I am ok with sleeping in separate rooms but at least people need to try for a little bit.

He’s not her husband, and OP hasn’t made the effort to combat her snoring so why should he have to put up with it?

Not sure why everyone is assuming I haven’t made any effort. I have tried sprays and tablets, and I have been to the GP. I have been told it is my medication.

I also mentioned more than once I know it’s my fault and I can’t do anything about it (him not wanting to). I asked whether I was unreasonable to still feel upset. I haven’t forced him to sleep with me, I haven’t been cruel... I’m all for being told I’m unreasonable (as I said) but I can’t help but feel some of these comments are a little harsh?