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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He won’t sleep in the same bed as me

240 replies

cannotbebotheredanymore · 24/08/2020 23:11

Totally ready to be told I’m being unreasonable here - in fact maybe then I’d stop being so upset about it.

Partner refuses to sleep in the same bed as me. We’ve been together for two years and have only shared a bed once. Admittedly, I snore. I take sedating mental health medication at night and I cannot change it (trialled so many, only one that seems to be working and it is not an option to stop right now without losing the will to live).

At first I hated it - I’d been with someone for years before and we had always shared the same bed. Well, until things got bad. I’ve also shared a bed with my sister recently and my friend in the past year. Both have said my snoring isn’t really bad and that they sleep fine through it.

When I’d ask him at first to try sleeping with me, he would get in bed in a huff and then I would literally lay there trying to not even breathe. If I breathed too heavy he would get irritated - and he still does now!

I’ve got used to it but it makes me sad and embarrassed. I’m only mid-twenties and it feels very odd to be going to bed in separate rooms every night.

We’ve got a baby now and I sleep in with the baby and he has his own room.

Tonight we are at his mum’s house for the night. He fell asleep on the sofa and I suggested he go to bed (in another room) and he said yeah he will. I said maybe I could come in with you? And he just said ‘I’m tired’. I said but we could both sleep in the room tonight? And he said ‘you and DS can’. I said I wanted to sleep in with him and he just said ‘I’m tired, I won’t sleep’.

Don’t get me wrong the relationship is good, sex life is good and we spend loads of time together - but this part of the relationship just doesn’t feel right to me at all... and I’m tired of it.

I know realistically I can’t really do anything about it because I can’t come off this medication (I didn’t snore before it). He says he can hear me through his headphones and earplugs.

I know if he can’t sleep with it it’s my own fault but - AIBU to feel upset about it?

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 25/08/2020 08:09

@steff13

Have you tried anything to stop the snoring? There are all kinds of products on the market that help stop snoring. If you want him to sleep with you, I think you need to see what you can do to accommodate him.
Sorry, but it is the snoring. Until you have tried to sleep next to a snorer you won't understand the anger and frustration of not being able to get to sleep because of the racket next to you.

DH started to snore really badly to the point that it developed into sleep apnoea. He underwent sleep tests and has now been given a CPAP machine. We share the same bed again.

LovingLola · 25/08/2020 08:15

How old is your baby? Who deals with the night wakings?

AltheaThoon · 25/08/2020 08:19

My DH snores and keeps me awake. His alarm also goes off at 6am and, when I'm working and doing the school run, I don't need to wake until 7am, so my last hour in bed is ruined (plus he often snoozes his alarm 🙄). We're in separate beds at the moment which he mostly thinks is because ds is in bed with me, and he often says he can't wait to get back in our bed. I honestly don't want to sleep with him. I really wish that separate beds for couples would be normalised rather than stigmatised. Why should one person have a disturbed sleep every night just because sleeping elsewhere is classed as 'weird'?

Porcupineinwaiting · 25/08/2020 08:19

It can be a dealbreaker OP. For you as well as him.

MegaClutterSlut · 25/08/2020 08:20

yabu sorry. I have spent the last few years sleeping on the sofa as my dh snores so fucking loud that I want to strangle him he's moaned about it but as he wants to stay alive I'll be carrying on sleeping on the sofa

Zaphodsotherhead · 25/08/2020 08:20

If you otherwise have plenty of cuddling, hugging and intimacy, then what is wrong with sleeping separately? I would say that sleeping apart from someone who otherwise is physically affectionate is far better than sleeping next to someone who won't touch you, twitches away if you try to hug or cuddle them and never kisses you.

MoreListeningLessChatting · 25/08/2020 08:21

He's not suffering if he has only slept with you once though is he.

Perhaps he could sleep with OP once so she gets the intimacy of spooning etc - waking int he night and morning for spontaneous sex.... otherwise it sounds a bit - ok have sex then leave room.... Hmm

StyleandBeautyfail · 25/08/2020 08:22

@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS

Sleeping in separate rooms is what saved my marriage. DH and I both snore, sleeping together was torture. Until you experience lying there, so tired, and every snort, snuffle, breath even, just keeps you awake, you have no idea how soul destroying it is. YABU to expect him to suffer, honestly. And just because others have managed to sleep beside you, doesn't mean he can. Everyone is different. If you force this issue you will make him resentful, unhappy, and drive a massive wedge between you. You're asleep! You don't need him there.
This was my experience too. He insisted we sleep ( aka I got no sleep at all) in the same bed. I told him it was sleep separately or divorce. I was a shell by this point and my MH was shot. YABVVU
steff13 · 25/08/2020 08:22

Sorry, but it is the snoring. Until you have tried to sleep next to a snorer you won't understand the anger and frustration of not being able to get to sleep because of the racket next to you.

I have slept next to a snorer, where did I say that I hadn't? I don't understand your reply to my comment. I was clearly telling the OP that she needs to try to resolve her snoring if she wants him to sleep with her. 🤷

StyleandBeautyfail · 25/08/2020 08:22

Sorry that was to OP !

PoloNeckKnickers · 25/08/2020 08:23

@Confrontayshunme

The friend/sister who said they slept with you may be lying to preserve your feelings. I LOVE taking trips with my MIL to spas and such, but I have to usually sleep in the bathroom on the floor secretly or wear earplugs and noise cancelling headphones with a sound machine and STILL get 3 disturbed nights in a row. My DH now knows I need to go to sleep as soon as I return from our weekends away, and he takes the kids off! Snoring is awful, but if your DS sleeps with you, he will be great at sleeping through anything!
Can I ask why you just don't have your own room? Surely the whole idea of a spa break is to relax- that sounds like torture.

As to the OP, my husband snores really badly - not every night, but when it shared a bed it was like a lottery- would he snore or not? It used to stress me out when he did snore, and when he didn't snore I would lie awake fretting in case he started, So we now sleep separately and have done so for the past 10 years. His parents did the same so he doesn't think it odd.

smeemoo · 25/08/2020 08:23

me and my partner have slept separately for about 5 years now. We have a cuddle then go off to our own rooms. Relationship couldn't be better and we both sleep now! We spent 7 years not sleeping, until we realised why are we forcing it?

notheragain4 · 25/08/2020 08:25

I understand both of you. I can't bare even the sound of breathing it gets me really irritated and I can't sleep, but likewise would hate to sleep separately. I use silicon ear plugs and don't hear a thing, can he try that?

AltheaThoon · 25/08/2020 08:27

Ah yes, the anticipation of the snore is as bad as the snoring itself!

Junegirl20 · 25/08/2020 08:28

I am the snorer in our relationship with no help of medication. My husband wear earplugs everynight which helps 9/10 nights. Is that something you could try?

AltheaThoon · 25/08/2020 08:29

I've thought about earplugs but they make me feel disconnected. I like to know that I'll hear an alarm downstairs if one goes off and I worry that I won't with earplugs. I know the comment was to the op but just thought I'd put my two penneth in!

CaptainCabinets · 25/08/2020 08:30

I LOVE sleeping separately from my DP BlushGrin

I work a lot of nights and there’s nothing better than having the whole bed to yourself without a sweaty snorer ruining your sleep!

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 25/08/2020 08:30

@MoreListeningLessChatting

He's not suffering if he has only slept with you once though is he.

Perhaps he could sleep with OP once so she gets the intimacy of spooning etc - waking int he night and morning for spontaneous sex.... otherwise it sounds a bit - ok have sex then leave room.... Hmm

So he should go without sleep to play the part of some corny romcom? They're adults, FFS! He can't sleep with her snoring.

Anyone who ever woke me for 'spontaneous sex' in the middle of the night was soon an ex. Ditto morning sex. Yuk. Dragon breath.

He can't sleep with her snoring. He doesn't need to do it again and again to prove that. To whom? Himself, all rat-arsed with tiredness? She's asleep, she doesn't need him there.

butterpuffed · 25/08/2020 08:31

OP, as you've slept in the bed together only once overnight and others have said your snoring isn't too bad, do you think there's another reason ? Have you asked him if he shared a bed in previous relationships ?

coffeerice · 25/08/2020 08:33

We've slept separately for years. My DH snores extremely loudly, fidgets, heavy sleeper, constantly gets up at odd times as his sleep pattern is wrecked due to his job.
I'm a non fidget, extremely still, occasional quiet snorer and light sleeper.
We are just not compatible as sleeping partners.
We sleep together on holiday but I take a strong sleeping pill every night to get through it.
Honestly, I wish it was that lovely cuddly sleep that everyone else (tes, everyone I know) talks about but it's just not for us.

Ahorsecalledseptember · 25/08/2020 08:33

Poor you OP. I’m sorry you’ve been upset by it.

For me, it isn’t just my partner snoring, but when I roll over or adjust in bed, it means his snoring restarts! So there’s a period of quiet then it starts again!

I just don’t relax when he’s there, and if I’m not relaxed, then I don’t sleep. I’m not exaggerating, I get maybe 3 hours when we do share a bed!

AltheaThoon · 25/08/2020 08:34

Anyone who ever woke me for 'spontaneous sex' in the middle of the night was soon an ex. Ditto morning sex. Yuk. Dragon breath.

Yep! And also "spooning". Personally I need space to sleep. I don't want a warm body up against me or be able to feel someone breathing on me.

ThatsNotMyMeerkat · 25/08/2020 08:36

Amongst other things, this is a big problem in my relationship which is hanging by a thread. My partner snores like a fucking warthog, won't do anything about it, won't go to another room (I can't because co sleeping with the toddler still so need the space), and then treats me like shit because I make him get up in the mornings and deal with the toddler so I can make up 20 minutes sleep after I've spent half the night fucking listening to him. Then tells me I'm 'grumpy'. And 'never do the mornings'.
Truly, you are being so unreasonable. I can't tell you how exhausted I am every single day because of the disrupted sleep.

notheragain4 · 25/08/2020 08:37

@AltheaThoon they wouldn't block an alarm, it does mean I get a bloody fright when the kids come in! I don't wear them when DH isn't there so I don't need to hear if there are noises downstairs etc, he can deal with that!

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 25/08/2020 08:38

@AltheaThoon

Anyone who ever woke me for 'spontaneous sex' in the middle of the night was soon an ex. Ditto morning sex. Yuk. Dragon breath.

Yep! And also "spooning". Personally I need space to sleep. I don't want a warm body up against me or be able to feel someone breathing on me.

Oh, god, yes, I'm hot all the time. Don't want someone's body up against me or breathing on me. Thankfully, DH and I are similar in this. We have a massive bed and we have separate duvets because he rolls up in his.