To ask if you regret (not) having a 'last chance' baby?

[Firefliesautumn]

I've often read on Mumsnet that many women get a strong urge to have a (usually 3rd) baby when it's their 'last chance' to do so, eg in late thirties/early forties.

For those who held off, as well as those who went for it, how do you feel now?

I'm trying to balance the last desperate shouts of my ovaries with more practical considerations...

I'm 40 this year, my youngest is 10. I went through a broody phase when she was about 6 and our elder dd was 11, I think I was panicking that if we left it any later the age gap would be too big. We decided against it because 2 works for us, we're lucky to have 2 lovely girls who get on well (90% of the time!) and we obviously didn't know how a third would change the dynamic- not just with the girls but with our family unit as a whole. I don't regret not having a third at all, as much as I'm sad that they're getting older and need me less it is nice to have some time for myself when they're doing their own thing.

No

Had my first at 38, found it very hard going compared to my younger friends. I wouldn’t consider another now (I’m 42).

Thanks both - I realise my question could have been clearer... and I imagine people aren't going to say they regret a child they had!

I think I'm wondering whether, in ten years (I'm 37 now with DC aged 9 and 11), I'll be pleased I didn't have a third...

My aunt had a "last chance" baby at 42, and ended up with profoundly disabled twins, on top of her elder child who now has significant MH issues. It destroyed her marriage and her career, and the child she already had.

Women are always told they can have it all, but the fact of the matter is if you leave it too late but go for it anyway, you can end up paying for it for the rest of your life.

Oh that's so sad @Sayitagainwhydontyou :(

Yes. It is my only regret. The reason not was fear of another miscarriage. There were many. I was 38 when I had my 2nd so the window was pretty small.

On the other hand I started a 2nd career at 43 and that probably wouldn't have been possible.

I do have some regret but that's because I stayed with exh hoping that despite it not being perfect, it was for life, then he left me. I wish I had met dp 10 years ago as I see how good a father he is to his kids (adults) and how we could have shared that experience, yet of course it wouldn't of happened. I didn't have more kids with exh because I did everything and they were hard work!

@Sayitagainwhydontyou

The same happened to a distant family member of mine. She and her husband already had two, I believe a 4 and 6 year old, and then at 42ish she desperately wanted another. Her husband didn't. He gave in and they ended up with a baby with profound disabilities. Sadly, it has destroyed her entire life. Her marriage ended, she lost her career because she has to be a full-time carer forever, and her other two children have suffered enormously.

Obviously, it can work out, but when it doesn't it can be catastrophic.

I had an unplanned pregnancy at 40. I'd decided to go ahead because I'd been on and off broody. I miscarried. I'm glad that I did. I was, partly relieved at the time. I'd started with morning sickness and exhaustion. Now at 53, I live my freedom and giving back my GC. I certainly wouldn't want a teenager to deal with. Being post menopause, I just want a quiet life. My body doesn't cope with stress and emotional upset the way it used to.

I regret having a last chance baby, yes.

I thought about it as I was coming up to 40.

I was thinking the other day that if I had, I’d have a 5 year old now and be through the baby and toddler years and still have a cute 5 year old. My actual DC are 10 and 9.

Then I thought about having a 5 year old to homeschool in lockdown. Shudder.

And 3 children fighting and shouting instead of 2. Shudder shudder.

And I would be stuck in my awful old job, because I wouldn’t have taken the risk to leap to my current lower-paid wonderful full time job if I had a baby.

I feel like we can look forward to a new phase of our lives now, with children who are less dependent on us soon.

So no, I don’t regret it.

I don't. It was a possibility at one point but it wasn't to be and I am extremely relieved that I have been able to put my life back together. The relationship didn't survive and I cannot imagine how hard life would be with another child.

I had broody feelings a few years ago ( my two are 15 and 12) and resisted them. DH wouldn’t have minded, but overall I think it was the right decision for my family. DH then had a vasectomy so that finalized the decision.😂

I tried to have a 3rd (fertility issues, so IVF) when my two were 6 and 4. It didn't work. I was devastated. I was only 34 but it was a last chance baby because we weren't going to do anymore treatment.

Now, I am happy with my lot. I'm still sad I never got the chance to plan my family the normal way but my kids are getting older and easier and are great company. I don't regret trying but I am happy with my lot.

My DH was always fixed on 2DC. I did feel broody but respected his view and looking back, a 3rd would have limited us significantly- in terms of finances, travel, 1-1 care we could give, bedroom space etc

I accidentally fell pregnant despite being on the depo shot, having only one fallopian tube and continuous heavy bleeding at 39. I had two appointments for a scan to find the cause of the bleeding cancelled due to staff at the scanning centre going off sick. When I finally got a scan they found the bleeding was caused by something called a sub-chronic heamatoma, a pregnancy complication I had never heard of. I also discovered at that appointment that I was pregnant (nobody had suspected it because of my contraception and heavy bleeding) and that I was 21 weeks gone. I had a forced birth as I was too far along and I would have been past the cut off by the time anything could be arranged.

I love my bonus baby more than anything in the world. She has been welcomed into the family by her much older siblings and she is thriving. However, in the first year I had a nervous breakdown, lost my job and had serious birth complications due to taking the depo shot throughout my pregnancy causing an adherent placenta.

The only thing I can say is you never regret having someone in your life you love so profoundly. That doesn’t mean it’s a good idea though!

Christ no. The thought brings me out in a cold sweat of horror. Very fortunate with two pleasant girls who get on well so much we can do as a family.

Interesting post OP. I'm 41 and have two DC (2 and 5) and my ovaries are definitely nagging at me to think about a third! But I know it's just Mother Nature's way of making sure I'm completely sure before I shut up shop. Compounded with DD starting school and feeling a sense of loss for the baby stage.

But we won't be trying. DH is set against it so I respect that. Life is full enough with the two we already have and we feel so lucky and blessed to have healthy DC. Plus, I feel it would be way too risky at my age. A friend who is 42 has just had a baby and there were major complications, life limiting issues. I could not risk what that would do to my family.

But yeah, I understand the urge, and I feel sad that this is it for me remembering four years of sleepless nights usually snaps me back to reality though

I wanted a third. Dh didn't. Unplanned pregnancy and I admitted I hadn't checked my bc (coil) as I'd never been 100% on board and hadnt really cared. Best thing for us. I have no regrets. It was harder than I thought but it cured my broodiness. I'd have always regretted not having a third I think.

I regret having my last one yes. It completely destroyed the lives of my older children and relationship. It was an irrational hormone induced decision. I should have been sterilised to make conception an impossibility.
The phrase 'noone regrets a baby' is entirely falso and a romanticism of a very difficult and brutal reality. Going back to sleepless nights, possible pnd and all the drudgery of tiny children when you have got long past it is a bad idea unless you are absolutley 100 percent sure and so are the rest of the family

The phrase 'noone regrets a baby' is entirely falso and a romanticism of a very difficult and brutal reality

Well yes this is true and I certainly did regret the first couple of years. Perhaps I should say, once they are here you wouldn’t want them not to be anymore. You love them either way. That’s what I mean by not regretting. But you’re absolutely right. Loving someone doesn’t mean you won’t regret your decision to have the responsibility of them.

@Janejones12

I regret having my last one yes. It completely destroyed the lives of my older children and relationship. It was an irrational hormone induced decision. I should have been sterilised to make conception an impossibility. The phrase 'noone regrets a baby' is entirely falso and a romanticism of a very difficult and brutal reality. Going back to sleepless nights, possible pnd and all the drudgery of tiny children when you have got long past it is a bad idea unless you are absolutley 100 percent sure and so are the rest of the family

Yeah, that phrase grinds my gears. My last one has special needs (not able to be detected pre-natally). I've considered suicide dealing with this, sadly, everything's a struggle. It's awful.

I met (now) DH in my early 40's when my DC's were already mid teens. We toyed with the idea 'wouldn't it be lovely if...' then every time decided against it. I'm now 50, DH 52 my DC's are 22 and 23. I'm absolutely loving my freedom. No regrets whatsoever.

@OlympicProcrastinator

The phrase 'noone regrets a baby' is entirely falso and a romanticism of a very difficult and brutal reality

Well yes this is true and I certainly did regret the first couple of years. Perhaps I should say, once they are here you wouldn’t want them not to be anymore. You love them either way. That’s what I mean by not regretting. But you’re absolutely right. Loving someone doesn’t mean you won’t regret your decision to have the responsibility of them.

Im not even sure about that. If i had the decision to not have my youngest i would have taken it for a long time. Now im not sure. I am living with acceptance of my new reality but my life is destroyed forever. Resentment is very difficult to overcome. And the worst bit is, i chose this reality based on broodiness. It is a damaging thing in my opinion.