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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you regret (not) having a 'last chance' baby?

234 replies

Firefliesautumn · 23/08/2020 19:25

I've often read on Mumsnet that many women get a strong urge to have a (usually 3rd) baby when it's their 'last chance' to do so, eg in late thirties/early forties.

For those who held off, as well as those who went for it, how do you feel now?

I'm trying to balance the last desperate shouts of my ovaries with more practical considerations...

OP posts:
BatleyTownswomensGuild · 23/08/2020 20:41

Had my first and only at 39. Had a sudden and totally unexpected attack of broodiness at 38.

Do I regret having a child? Absolutely not. He's a total joy. Do I wish I'd had him 5 years earlier? Hell, yes.

dancinfeet · 23/08/2020 20:41

Yes, I would have loved another child. Have been on my own for 15 years so no chance of it happening and heading for mid 40s now Sad

Sistery · 23/08/2020 20:43

I think I'm wondering whether, in ten years (I'm 37 now with DC aged 9 and 11), I'll be pleased I didn't have a third...

@Firefliesautumn You could be me - I’m 37 with DC of 9 and 11. I do feel a bit broody and sometimes have wild thoughts of just having one more ‘go’. It usually coincides with one of my kids doing some kind of growing up thing and not needing me as much, or at least not on the same basic way. Sometimes I just want a little one to look after and to be the whole world to again for a while.

But... in my heart I know it’s not a good idea. Every pregnancy is a roll of the dice both for mother and child health. And the odds are less good over 35. My kids don’t need another sibling, the world doesn’t need any more populating and we have a largely healthy pair and are ok financially. I want to send them to uni if they want to go and have attention and energy for the teenage years not be turned around watching their baby sibling. I feel like having had them I owe it to them to give them the best I can, and I don’t think that’s another sibling. It scares me to think of being in my 40s and kids off at uni but I plan to get a dog when they’re older. And if I still feel overwhelmingly in need of nurturing children later I might foster.

cafenoirbiscuit · 23/08/2020 20:48

I had a third at 37. I knew I wasn’t finished when I had 2. He’s almost 14 now and I am so glad to have him (and the other 2 as well)

Montsti · 23/08/2020 20:48

I did when I was 39 (I had a 6, 3 and 1 year old) and finally had my 4th and final child when I was 41...

Both my husband and I are one of 3 and both wanted 4 children. My other children were 8, 5 and 3 when no.4 was born. I wouldn’t have had a 3rd or 4th if it meant a big age gap or if it changed my other children’s lives negatively I.e. change of lifestyle/schools etc...

We’re both very happy that we had no.4 although she still doesn’t sleep through at nearly 3 years old 😩😴

MrsMcTats · 23/08/2020 20:48

We went for number 3 and don't regret it at all. She is an absolute joy and has completed our family. All my DC are quite close in age. I didn't want babies after 40, so I took a year after having my 2nd to decide to try for a last child. I researched every day, read every article about having 3 and lay awake at night. In the end I knew the fact I was thinking about it all the time meant it wasn't just being broody. I had a real sense that someone was missing.

Now...I am done! Love a newborn, but I'm ready for the next phase of adventures, no nap schedules and no nappy changes.

TinyTornado · 23/08/2020 20:50

Late baby here, accidental pregnancy at 42 - should have been old enough to know better...
But my DS is the best and most wonderful thing in my life and I have not one single regret.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 23/08/2020 20:55

So uttterly, bloody relieved. Watched my cousin trying to wrangle her toddlers tonight - whilst my 8 and 6 yos amused themselves - and thought "nope. Could not do that again. No bloody way. "

Original poster
Firefliesautumn · 23/08/2020 21:00

@Sistery

I think I'm wondering whether, in ten years (I'm 37 now with DC aged 9 and 11), I'll be pleased I didn't have a third...

@Firefliesautumn You could be me - I’m 37 with DC of 9 and 11. I do feel a bit broody and sometimes have wild thoughts of just having one more ‘go’. It usually coincides with one of my kids doing some kind of growing up thing and not needing me as much, or at least not on the same basic way. Sometimes I just want a little one to look after and to be the whole world to again for a while.

But... in my heart I know it’s not a good idea. Every pregnancy is a roll of the dice both for mother and child health. And the odds are less good over 35. My kids don’t need another sibling, the world doesn’t need any more populating and we have a largely healthy pair and are ok financially. I want to send them to uni if they want to go and have attention and energy for the teenage years not be turned around watching their baby sibling. I feel like having had them I owe it to them to give them the best I can, and I don’t think that’s another sibling. It scares me to think of being in my 40s and kids off at uni but I plan to get a dog when they’re older. And if I still feel overwhelmingly in need of nurturing children later I might foster.

@Sistery Wow you could be me!

I do wonder if it’s partly something to do with having had kids quite young - it seems wonderful but yes scary that I’ll be 45 with basically grown up kids...

I agree with everything you’ve written, it’s very similar to how I feel. This thread has given me so much food for thought, thank you to everyone who replied for your honesty Flowers

OP posts:
gingganggooleywotsit · 23/08/2020 21:02

I was desperate for a second (after a 9 year gap) at age 38. I went for it, and I wouldn't say I regret it exactly, but I would say, it's been bloody hard work! I'm 42 with a nearly 5 year old and a 13 year old. Also had I known how hard the teenage years could be I would have definitely put some more thought into it. I look back now and it was definitely my hormones at play that made me go ahead! Think very carefully op.

whattodo2019 · 23/08/2020 21:03

Baby # 1 at 31
Baby # 2 at 33
Always wanted #3 but actually pleased we didn't. We have chosen to privately educate our children and we simply couldn't have done it for 3. For us it was as simple as that...

lakesidesummer · 23/08/2020 21:06

We considered it and at times I think both of us have small pangs of regret.
But honestly two was enough and at times more than enough.

Imapotato · 23/08/2020 21:07

I’m 35 with teens. I do sometimes feel broody and I often dream about being pregnant.

However it would be really selfish of me to give in to broodiness and have a baby based on hormones.

It would mess up my dds lives completely, and I feel that as I chose to bring them into this work, I have a duty to give them the best life I can.

I work full time and am about to start a degree, life is good and a baby just wouldn’t fit in. So I won’t be giving in, no matter how much my body tries to convince me otherwise.

FreezerBird · 23/08/2020 21:12

Got massively broody in my late 30s when lots of friends were having their third babies (mine would have been about 10 and 8). Had one pregnancy 'scare' at about that time and realised that what I was feeling was blind fear rather than excitement and was massively relieved when my period arrived two weeks late.

Since then I have not regretted sticking with two for a single moment. (I probably would have liked to start earlier and have more close together, finishing by 35ish).

Also, I am the 'last chance' baby in my family and recent events have led me to reflect on how I actually feel about that. I'm glad I haven't put a child in that position.

MaryShelley1818 · 23/08/2020 21:20

I'm 42 and 4mths pregnant. I have a DS aged 2.5.
I am absolutely elated to have been able to get pregnant and give our little boy a sibling. Having babies younger was not an option as me and DH got together when I was 38.
I found the baby stage difficult but the last couple of years has been absolutely amazing. My DS is the best thing that's ever happened to me, I absolutely adore him. I work in a very high pressure job (30hrs) and am studying for my 2nd degree too. Certainly don't feel too old or too tired!

cantthinkofannewname · 23/08/2020 21:23

Our DCs are birth siblings and we adopted them when I was in my 40s. When our younger one was less than a year old we heard that birth mum had had another child. We knew straight away the answer was no. No regrets; our two have two older and now two younger birth siblings and our two are the only ones who live together; we couldn't have given our two the attention they need with another DC in the mix, especially so close to DC2.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 23/08/2020 21:24

I’m in my early 40s and have absolutely no regrets that I didn’t have children, either when I had the option in my early 30s or now she. I know that there’s almost no chance now. It wasn’t for me.

Janejones12 · 23/08/2020 21:27

@BrightYellowDaffodil

I’m in my early 40s and have absolutely no regrets that I didn’t have children, either when I had the option in my early 30s or now she. I know that there’s almost no chance now. It wasn’t for me.
Really refreshing to hear and something i think girls at school should hear from women.
IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 23/08/2020 21:30

God no I don't regret it.

I have had my ears talked off in the last few days; I have not had an uninterrupted conversation with my husband, and I was followed into the bathroom by an 8 year old who apparently couldn't wait three minutes until he could ask me yet another question.

I thought I was pregnant when my kids were 5 and 3 and was disappointed when it turned out I wasn't. Thank god. If I had a 5 year old right now there's a decent chance I'd be on medication. Or an aeroplane to somewhere very far away.

willitbetonight · 23/08/2020 21:40

I'm nearly 43. I've just had my 5th. He wasn't planned but has honestly enriched our family. I don't feel any older than 10 years ago. My biggest worry is financial as we have a very good standard of living and I don't want that to be impacted for my other children.

toconclude · 23/08/2020 21:45

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IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 23/08/2020 21:50

That's quite a shitty thing to say to a pregnant woman is it not? Confused

55larry · 23/08/2020 21:53

I had my first two dc in my twenties and my third when I was 40. My dc are now 46, 43 and 28 and I have to say that having my third was definitely the best thing for our family. I had all the tests possible and dd was a great joy to our family. I never had any regrets for having a third.

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 23/08/2020 21:59

@IncludeWomenInTheSequel

That's quite a shitty thing to say to a pregnant woman is it not? Confused
It's a hard truth, but it is a distinct possibility. My aunt, at 42, wanted to give her DD a sibling. DD ended up with profoundly disabled twin brothers, divorced parents and severe mental health issues that lead her to attempt suicide for the first time aged 10.
Kinkybutkind · 23/08/2020 22:00

I’m 47 with primary school age children as well as grandchildren... do I regret my last? regret is probably too harsh a word for it. Would I have had them if I have known then, what I know now? No. Absolutely not. Physically and mentally it ruined me, not to mention financially. I love them with every fibre of my being and they bring me so much joy but I do grieve for the life I could have had if I had chosen a different path.

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