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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you regret (not) having a 'last chance' baby?

234 replies

Firefliesautumn · 23/08/2020 19:25

I've often read on Mumsnet that many women get a strong urge to have a (usually 3rd) baby when it's their 'last chance' to do so, eg in late thirties/early forties.

For those who held off, as well as those who went for it, how do you feel now?

I'm trying to balance the last desperate shouts of my ovaries with more practical considerations...

OP posts:
Janejones12 · 23/08/2020 22:02

@Kinkybutkind

I’m 47 with primary school age children as well as grandchildren... do I regret my last? regret is probably too harsh a word for it. Would I have had them if I have known then, what I know now? No. Absolutely not. Physically and mentally it ruined me, not to mention financially. I love them with every fibre of my being and they bring me so much joy but I do grieve for the life I could have had if I had chosen a different path.
Very well put. Being ruined physically and mentally is just how i feel.
Akindelle · 23/08/2020 22:05

My granny had four adult children when she decided to have a 5th in her 40s. The child was profoundly disabled and ruined her life because she was trapped as a 24/7 carer until she died. Then the siblings had to take turns to be carers - two of them divorced their spouses as a result and damaged relationships with their DC and GDC because they had no freedom to spend time with their families. Life changing inheritance that would have gone to the four siblings was instead spent on care for the 5th. The effect on the family as a whole has been devastating.

The baby is now 60, the siblings are in their 80s, and there’s nobody else who’s willing to take on the role of carer for possibly another 20 years. I don’t know what’s going to happen going forward, I suspect she’ll end up in a home with no surviving siblings and little attention from nieces and nephews who barely know her.

Not saying that would happen, but if it does it can devastate multiple people’s lives. I decided not to roll that dice - I’m over 40 so I won’t be trying for any more babies.

MaryShelley1818 · 23/08/2020 22:08

So you believe ALL women should only have one child then by that ridiculous logic.
I've worked with children with additional needs and their families for 20yrs. Some are older parents, most much younger than me, some have siblings, some are only children. All have their unique challenges.

There is a chance our child may have a disability or learning need, there is a FAR greater chance that they won't. I'm not going to stop living my life for fear of the "what ifs"

DisgruntledSnowman · 23/08/2020 22:09

I had my 2 at 34 and 37. Briefly considered a 3rd, but I am so, SO glad we didn't.

We couldn;t have given a 3rd child the opportunities we've been able to give 2. I'm spread thin enough parenting 2, I wouldn;t have the wherewithal for 3rd. I was able to restart my career and retrain when my youngest went to school, and i'm so glad I did as I'm in the right career for me now.

Mrsmadevans · 23/08/2020 22:12

No never and when you go through the menopause it completely disappears.

Charleyhorses · 23/08/2020 22:13

Love our bonus baby. But, my dds are 25, 22 and 12. Still stuck with school hols etc. I once worked out that I will have had a child at school for 26 years by the time the youngest finishes!

Covert20 · 23/08/2020 22:14

37 here and really struggling with the ovaries shouting at me all the time 🙈 not really decided what to do yet. I think DH will be game, but I’m not sure. I really want to, but probably shouldn’t...

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 23/08/2020 22:15

@MaryShelley1818

So you believe ALL women should only have one child then by that ridiculous logic. I've worked with children with additional needs and their families for 20yrs. Some are older parents, most much younger than me, some have siblings, some are only children. All have their unique challenges. There is a chance our child may have a disability or learning need, there is a FAR greater chance that they won't. I'm not going to stop living my life for fear of the "what ifs"
I believe that geriatric pregnancies carry higher risks, and that parents have a duty of care to prioritise already existing children. I think having more children in your 40s is risky and having seen first hand the devastating consequences it can have on the elder siblings, i personally would not risk it.
Loop3x5 · 23/08/2020 22:16

It was definitely right for me not to go for a third in my late 30's. I thought I wanted a third but dh not on board, and in retrospect it wouldn't have been right for us. Now 42 with 15 & 12 dc and so pleased we don't have a toddler in the mix.

Akindelle · 23/08/2020 22:22

I believe that geriatric pregnancies carry higher risks, and that parents have a duty of care to prioritise already existing children
This is what I meant but phrased better. I’d happily have multiple babies in 20s and 30s, but 40s is too much risk and would be unfair to my existing DC.

Wallywobbles · 23/08/2020 22:25

Fuck no. Discussed at 42. Now 7 years on I'm in the countdown to all 4 of them moving out.

MrsP2015 · 23/08/2020 22:26

Watching with interest!

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 23/08/2020 22:27

It's a hard truth, but it is a distinct possibility. My aunt, at 42, wanted to give her DD a sibling. DD ended up with profoundly disabled twin brothers, divorced parents and severe mental health issues that lead her to attempt suicide for the first time aged 10.

It is and the possibility does increase with age including plenty of conditions like autism that cannot be detected pre-natally. It's just the elephant in the room you can't talk about with more and more people having babies older, but that doesn't make it any less of a fact.

NOthing to do with 'living in fear', having a child in your late 30s and early 40s carries more risks of all kinds of things no matter how young you feel because your eggs are as old as you are, in addition to other factors.

PetraRabbit · 23/08/2020 22:36

Some posts here which I struggle to relate to. I'm 45 with a 3 year old and a baby. (No older children).They are absolutely perfect, bright and healthy. I have a number of real life friends in their early to mid 40s with 3 year olds but I don't kniw anyone my age with a disabled child. I had to say it because with genetic testing available now at 10 weeks for the common syndromes the chances of a disabled child just because you are older are tiny.
I'd happily have a third at 45 or 46 if I'm so lucky.

earthyfire · 23/08/2020 22:43

I am 41 and would love another baby but my 50 year old husband doesn't. But then I think of the sleepless nights and know he is talking sense! We have a 13 and 10 year old.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 23/08/2020 22:44

I had to say it because with genetic testing available now at 10 weeks for the common syndromes the chances of a disabled child just because you are older are tiny.

Yeah, autism doesn't exist (or ADHD, or oxygen deprivation in birth (known to be increased risk in older mothers)) Hmm. There are lots of conditions that can't be detected by these tests and that you won't know about sometimes until the child is older and they can be devastating. They are often correlated with increased parental age.

BlackeyedSusan · 23/08/2020 22:49

I make autistic babies, and have a 50% chance of giving them hypermobility ... though boys are less effeected than girls generally.

having three with special needs would be much harder work than now.

that strong urge though around 41-44ish was hell to get through.

MissOrganisedMe · 23/08/2020 22:52

God! Regretting reading this thread! I'm 39, 40 early next year, with a joyful 3.5 year old. I've been toying with another for a while. This isn't making me want to - you do automatically apply the 'it won't happen to me/us' dialogue but it most definitely could and I appreciate that that could be devastating.

Not got much more time to think tbh. Do you know where I would be best to start to read up on the risks a bit more?

BrookM · 23/08/2020 22:53

We went for #3 and yes life is way busier, more expensive and more challenging with a 3rd but I have zero regrets! She has completely changed our lives for the better and her brothers are obsessed. She was our last chance baby as my hard cut off age was 35. In the town we live in, it seems to be a trend where couples have two kids back to back shortly after getting married, then take 3 years off and then have a 3rd and final baby. Everyone seems happy and the age gap is still reasonable in that the kids can play together. I definitely would not go back and do the baby stage all over again if my kids were age 5 or older.

Stripyhoglets1 · 23/08/2020 22:56

No regrets about not having a last chance baby but the urge wasn't particularly strong.

BrummyMum1 · 23/08/2020 22:56

Interesting thread. Thanks for starting this OP.

Icantrememebrtheartist · 23/08/2020 22:57

I had my last baby at 45: just a few weeks shy of turning 46. It wasn’t a last chance baby it was an “Oh my god how the hell” baby 😁

But, my other children were only two and three at the time so I was still in the thick of having toddlers/pre school children. I had three children within three and a half years in my forties.

I don’t regret it at all. I did struggle with three for the first probably nine months but having a newborn and a two year old and three year old was very hard work.

I consider myself incredibly lucky to have had three children in my forties. All three seem to have a very tight bond, play together, adore each other and gang up on me together 😁

I don’t regret it at all, But, that may be because I came to parenthood really late, I had a career, I’d enjoyed my 20”s and 30”s, I’d travelled and holidayed so for me I was ready for something else. I can’t imagine having grown up children and then a last chance baby to be honest.

mellicauli · 23/08/2020 23:06

Had DS at 42..10 years later so glad we did

snappycamper · 23/08/2020 23:08

I really wanted a third, about 5 years ago. My DH wasn't up for it so it didn't happen. I still wish I'd had that third baby, and still resent him for his selfish behaviour (he thought it would be too much hard work 🙄), but I do now have moments of recognition that life is good with 2. It's easy and flexible, and my career would still be in the gutter if I'd had a third, whereas it's flying high now.

He was right, it would have been hard work. We just clearly have different appetites for work. I'm happy to work for my kids and he's a lazy twat.

justasking111 · 23/08/2020 23:13

Had two at uni. when last chance baby arrived. He was ruined from the start by his bros. He has been a joy for the most part, but I only had him at home the others came and went in the holidays. Money was not an issue. I had a late menopause at 56 but did not have mood swings so he did not have to endure that. He is going into his second year of uni. now. I think sometimes that I spent 38 years standing outside school gates though, not having to sit through another nativity, school event is not something I miss Grin