To ask if you regret (not) having a 'last chance' baby?

[Firefliesautumn]

I've often read on Mumsnet that many women get a strong urge to have a (usually 3rd) baby when it's their 'last chance' to do so, eg in late thirties/early forties.

For those who held off, as well as those who went for it, how do you feel now?

I'm trying to balance the last desperate shouts of my ovaries with more practical considerations...

I'm 40, we have 2 DC, I've put vast amounts of weight, we've had massive family traumas this year, issues with work, but I'd still love to plan for a 3rd. I don't know if it's possible or whether I run the risk of issues/disabilities but I wouldn't say never. Am I wrong to think that? Xx

At 37/38 I was desperate for a third baby but exH was not. Thank goodness I didn't, a year later DS was diagnosed with Autism and then my DH buggered off with someone else, did not see that coming.
I think a baby in the mix would of finished me off.

No. I had my two at 33 and 36, and had I not been dealing with chronic health issues, I would have liked a third at 38, but my health is too precarious and we definitely made the right decision to stick to two.

@PetraRabbit

Some posts here which I struggle to relate to. I'm 45 with a 3 year old and a baby. (No older children).They are absolutely perfect, bright and healthy. I have a number of real life friends in their early to mid 40s with 3 year olds but I don't kniw anyone my age with a disabled child. I had to say it because with genetic testing available now at 10 weeks for the common syndromes the chances of a disabled child just because you are older are tiny. I'd happily have a third at 45 or 46 if I'm so lucky.

I have one with autism and dyspraxia, and one with ADHD. Both are hypermobile as well which affects my younger one very badly. None of this could have been picked up on scan or other screening or diagnostic test. Doesn't make them any less disabled, or out lives less impacted by thier conditions.

Was it becasue I was older when I had them (34 and 37), or just genetic bad luck? Who knows. I'm very, very glad I ignored the urge to have a 3rd child.

No, 2 is definitely enough and I was 38 when I had my 2nd, if I were younger when I had my kids I might have felt different.

Yes I do, I think I i always will too. We already had 2 kids and I had always wanted one more when the youngest one went to school, we couldn't afford two lots of nursery fees. The youngest started school and my partner got really sick. He was sick for two years before he passed away. I think I will always miss this other baby as I feel the chance to have it was taken from me. I'm 41 now so definitely won't be having anymore .

I'm approaching 35 and having these very broody feeling at the moment. I have a 5 and 8 year old.
I have zero plans to act on these feelings - my family is balanced, healthy and happy and we just about have enough money for the kids to have a worry free life with some good experiences thrown in. A third child would have many implications financial and emotional, and although my ovaries want it my brain and my husband feel otherwise! We would no doubt feel love for a third but I'm convinced an extra person wouldn't improve any of our lives so it would be a selfish act.

I'm 46. Had my DC's when I was 32 and 34. Up till about 42 8 would've had another. I can't tell you how glad I am that I didn't. I get to enjoy my DC's as they grow without having a much younger sibling and I also now will get to enjoy most of my 50's and have time to save instead of spend whereas if I'd had a third, I'd be 60+. That's would represent half my life looking after children and not much time left for me.

Actually just realised I'm 45

Had my 1st baby at 33, went for no.2 at 43. One of the best decisions I ever made.
Glad I got to have another before it was too late. We are 48 and 5 now.
I would most certainly have regretted it if I hadn't.

I'm 46 with 30 and 18 yr old DC. Life is bloody good and I'm very glad I didn't have the 3rd child at 39.

My cut off was 35 and having 4 in 6 years was more than enough. Never once have my ovaries twitched since no4 was born. There’s no way I could physically handle another pregnancy.

Had mine at 33 and 38. Would have loved another one at 40 but DP refused.

The only important thing to consider is all of these new consumers futures, (the whims of parents is irrelevant in the age of catastrophic climate change) is- in upcoming decades people will have to suffer food and water shortages, climate refugees, extreme weather, a general hellscape, every new consumer will worsen the impact on the dying planet and also have to endure a life in it. Will people choosing to add to overpopulation be able to explain their choices to the people they shag into existence?

No regrets not having a 3rd child. Unless you have a way of looking at parallel universes, you don't know what you have never had.

I do remember feeling conflicted around the time we would have had a 3rd - very much heart v head. When I was peri-menopausal and then memopausal, I think I went through a mini grief for the child I never had. However, now, it is not something I think about much.

Whichever way you go OP will have pro's and con's

Went for #3 late 30s, after 8 year age gap. Much as she’s amazing now she was a demon baby & toddler. Honestly it was too much for me, with work and cracks then appeared in my marriage. I sometimes think how life would be different but wouldn’t change it for the world.

When in my late 30’s I wanted to try for a third. Husband was happy with the two we had so that was that. It worked out for the best in the end as When my husband died That child would still have been in primary school. So would not only have coped with that loss but financially things would have been extra hard and I would have needed to work extra hours to keep us afloat at a time when my children needed me more.

Had my 3rd at 44. It was absolutely the right decision, She’s an absolute delight.

@Proudboomer. Sorry for your loss. 💐

I had my fourth at 40 but she was only two years after my third. She is bloody hard work but I know for certain I would have taken the regret of not having her to the grave. Sounds weird but it is what is. She is my only daughter. But she is pure hard work and not at all like her lovely brothers. I got what I deserved there 🤣 if her brothers was older when she was born I would be kicking myself more but a two year gap I was hardly getting my life back.

I had a MC at 42. I kind of expected it. I'm sad about it but it would have made life a lot harder because dd has been the only difficult child.

I dont regret anything. But maybe taking emotion out of it listening to my hormones at 42 when I already had kids was a bit irresponsible. But on the flip side I will never wonder what if? As i did go for it and it wasn't meant to be

I had my 3rd at 37 with a large age gap. Since then have divorced, and to be honest the marriage wasn't perfect before then and having a 3rd did put a strain on the marriage, as XDH was pretty useless and treated me like a skivvy after she was born.
DC3 is lovely but she does miss having a sibling, lockdown was hard. The older 2 are more like uncles to her than brothers as they are grown up now and she is still in primary school. She was very much wanted but it's not been easy.

I had a surprise 3rd baby at 38. Our other children were at school and I had returned back to work full time. DH didn't want another baby but when I found out I was pregnant he supported me 100% when I said I wanted to keep the baby.
The birth wasn't easy, I actually nearly died after the birth which was a bit of a reality check for both of us.
But even after that I wanted another. He decided enough was enough and our GP agreed with him and he had a vasectomy -(
I know he did it with the best intention and wanted to save me from nearly dying again - which would more than likely have happened but I will always mourn the loss of the 4th child I never had the opportunity to have.
Yes - I do regret it. But DH and my 3 children do not.

I'm mid-thirties and with one son and not planning any more children.

DH has a relative who had a second DC at around 40. He has quite severe autism and the two children constantly clash. She has said that, whilst she can't say she "regrets" having him as she loves him, she does know that life would have been a hell of a lot easier if she had stopped at one and she would have a better relationship with her older DC. She has said she thinks we are quite sensible and I think of this whenever I feel an urge to have another. I would rather quit whilst I'm ahead, and I know that having children after 35 is far from optimal from a health/risks point of view.

@GarlicMcAtackney

This!!

I had ds2 when I was nearly 40. At the time dds were 14 and 7. He wasnt planned. Im now single with 3 dcs but I wouldnt change a thing. We all love him so much and he completes us as a family.