To ask if you regret (not) having a 'last chance' baby?

[Firefliesautumn]

I've often read on Mumsnet that many women get a strong urge to have a (usually 3rd) baby when it's their 'last chance' to do so, eg in late thirties/early forties.

For those who held off, as well as those who went for it, how do you feel now?

I'm trying to balance the last desperate shouts of my ovaries with more practical considerations...

Posted before I finished.
I regret that DC3 does not have sibling closer in age. The older 2 have each other and their shared childhood memories of us on lots of holidays and days out we spent as a family of 4 before she was born. DC3 doesn't have the same bond with them as they do with each other. Her childhood has for most part been like an only child. She has told me she feels like the odd one out - her older siblings were at secondary school when she was just starting reception class and doesn't have have many memories of them all growing up together. I truly regret not giving her a brother or sister she could have that special bond with that her older 2 siblings have.

I went for it, fell pregnant with DC3 at 39.
I’m no more or less exhausted than I was with my other two and she’s an utter delight. Wouldn’t change a thing.

I don’t think 37 is too old, it’s probably average for professional couples in London and I don’t see a lot of kids with disabilities, although not all are visible. I’m a similar age with kids of similar ages and the eldest has ADHD and ASD, youngest dyslexic. Eldest gets it off DH and has always been hard work, although isn’t on the severe end and should have a normal happy life. I’d only consider a third if it was a new relationship, regardless of age, which isn’t likely as we’re pretty happy albeit counting down the days until we can go out without the kids.

Just think about a couple of years time when you can nip out without taking the kids. Go to a restaurant or the pub without a babysitter. And a few more years and weekends away. No childcare just so you can work.

I am so glad I did not have a third child. I had always been a very hard worker and had counted on have unlimited physical health, but as my kids got to be in their early teens, I became ill and have never been strong since. Three kids would have been the end of me.

I’m tempted! But then I think how hard it is now. I want to get back to work too. I’ve been awake all night as LO has a cold so imagine doing this all over again! I think when mine are much older and I’m still feeling like one more I will adopt. I can’t imagine fostering as I will have to give them back and can’t imsgine.

I really want the baby stage to be over, I find 5 year old one slightly easier but the baby stage intense.

I’m sat here now feeding my 3rd and last at age 40. She was born on Friday. I’m so, so glad we went for it.

I’ve got two others aged 18 and 7. The 7 year old was supposed to be the last one. Then last November, I saw myself staring down the barrel of turning 40 the following
January and I suddenly had to have the last baby.

Pregnancy was fucking terrible, but it always is.

But I’m so glad she’s here.

I did and I don’t regret it one bit. My youngest completes the family.

I could have had a last one in my mid 40s but chose not to. I actually dithered a bit before taking the 2nd pill wondering if I'd regret it. 5 years later & I'm SO relieved I didn't proceed with the pregnancy. I'm not just enjoying my increased freedom, I genuinely believe if life hadn't started getting easier now (my kids are all over 13) I'd have suffered major MH problems on top of being physically exhausted. That's before even considering the detrimental effect it would have had on the lives of my other children. Not a single regret.

I had a surprise baby at 37 (had two dc already ) and she’s such a gorgeous blessing

I have a new partner now and am broody at 47

This thread is putting me off though!

I know for definite that I don't want another but am also aware that my hormones may go crazy in my late thirties/early forties. Fortunately DH has had a vasectomy and I have a coil that will last until I am 38. I then just need to choose a non broody day to head to the family planning clinic and get one that then covers me to 48

I see lots of references here to ‘disabilities’ caused by the age of the mother but I’m unsure exactly what these age related disabilities are? Can anyone point me to a study or further information? I know there’s an increased risk of chromosomal issues like downs, and an increased risk of premature birth, which can of course lead to disabilities. Increased risks of growth restriction and things like GD or high blood pressure, but these days older mothers are carefully managed so that these risks are screened for and mitigated where possible. The only kids I know with autism/sen are those of much younger mothers. Lots of studies seem to point to advantages of having older parents, at least for those children born healthy and well.

I had DD at 37 after 6 years of fertility issues. My intention was to have two children in my early-mid 30s but life didn’t happen that way. I’m now 14 weeks pregnant with a second, just turned 40, a total surprise. I have to admit I’m not feeling totally sure it’s the right thing. I’m absolutely petrified that it will upset the balance of our family and my DD has never been a good sleeper so we are already going into this in a knackered haze. This thread hasn’t really helped!

Fourth child at 44, all good. Two older ones and two younger ones. Expensive but happy. Lovely to have small child, through teenage years.

Ignore the trolls, do what is good for you.

First at 38 and second at 40...now 43. Did toy with the idea of a third but would have wanted it over by 42 and I never felt an overwhelming urge for it (possibly as my two were so young anyway). Who knows...I guess there is still time for that all-consuming broodiness to hit me but with the eldest just starting school and 15 years of private education looming...financially I couldn’t do it and that will be the determining factor. Head over heart. Maybe if I’d started earlier?

@greytminds congrats! Do not let the views on here upset you. They are just views of others and a few examples of worst case scenario. Lots of healthy pregnancies over 40 too. I’m embarrassed by the revenge but look at the kardashians/jenners. Kris J had Kendall at 40 and Kylie at nearly 42 and that was over 20 years ago! Medicine is improved now. You will always hear worst case scenarios on here. Don’t read anymore

revenge lol autocorrect meant reference

@Sayitagainwhydontyou ah ok, you believe only women that are "too old" should not take the risk but all younger women can take the risk of a disabled child. And only older mothers should prioritise their existing child/children, younger mothers don't need to prioritise theirs.
As I said, 20yrs experience and the vast majority of children I've worked with who have additional needs have been born to your ideal "young parents" we all know the risk increases with age, however that risk is still absolutely tiny still.

It's very easy to say you wouldn't have children older than "30" for example when you already have children. For those of us that didn't meet our partners until much older then you just get on with it when you can. My little boy is perfect, he's beautiful, funny, clever, the absolute light of my life, he was born 5mths before I turned 40. Straightforward birth, one which hospital professionals say is most likely to happen again. You are tightly monitored when you're older, regular growth scans and checks on the baby. The hospital are aware of these risks and therefore take measures to decrease them. Of course you can't take away the risk completely at any age! I presume you risked your existing child's happiness if you have more than one.

We got a puppy instead.
No regrets

God no. Even though we tried for a second for six years and it didn’t happen.

I went away for a week and while I was away I realised that the age gap would be too big and I wanted me back, e.g. to go back to work etc. So I came home and called a halt, even insisted on contraception given we’d managed to conceive once....

Fast forward two years and me and eXH split up, three years later I found myself with serious and life-limiting health problems. Being a single parent to one has its challenges. Being a single parent to two with one much younger and more reliant would have been hideous. And I’ve since discovered part of my health issue is genetic. If I’d known then what I know now I actually wouldn’t have had children at all as I wouldn’t want to put my worst enemy through what I’ve been through and am likely to go through...

Now when I think of babies the idea fills me with horror.

I would quite like a kitten though....

Never in a million years.

Great thread, thank you OP! @Covert20, I'm similar I think. 37 now, 2 DC (6 and 18months), I think I've been wanting a 3rd since DC2 was born. I didn't have such a strong urge with DC1 but life was more uncertain then (career in the air, few job prospects - that's all fixed now). I've decided to park it until DC2 is closer to 3 and see how I feel then. They are very good, pregnancies were relatively straightforward and I went back to full time with both of them quickly. DH is not keen on a third, but I don't know if it's a hard line or negotiable. I also don't know if it's hormones but I really feel like someone's missing.

My hubby wouldn’t let me have a last baby.
I massively regret allowing him to ‘win’ and I will do so until I die.

@greytminds

I see lots of references here to ‘disabilities’ caused by the age of the mother but I’m unsure exactly what these age related disabilities are? Can anyone point me to a study or further information? I know there’s an increased risk of chromosomal issues like downs, and an increased risk of premature birth, which can of course lead to disabilities. Increased risks of growth restriction and things like GD or high blood pressure, but these days older mothers are carefully managed so that these risks are screened for and mitigated where possible. The only kids I know with autism/sen are those of much younger mothers. Lots of studies seem to point to advantages of having older parents, at least for those children born healthy and well.

I had DD at 37 after 6 years of fertility issues. My intention was to have two children in my early-mid 30s but life didn’t happen that way. I’m now 14 weeks pregnant with a second, just turned 40, a total surprise. I have to admit I’m not feeling totally sure it’s the right thing. I’m absolutely petrified that it will upset the balance of our family and my DD has never been a good sleeper so we are already going into this in a knackered haze. This thread hasn’t really helped!

Please don't let a couple of people's opinions on here upset you.
There have been a few studies that have linked paternal age to autism, that is all, there is a far greater genetic link. Also the chance of anyone of any age having a child with autism is about 1.5%, which is a very similar percentage of risk of an older mother having chromosomal issues - although of course that can be tested for actually making that risk much smaller. It's ironic people were happy with that risk themselves but don't think older mothers should be. A baby is always a risk. And there are lots of contributing factors besides age. Listen to medical professionals, all the consultants I've spoken to have been extremely supportive and encouraging during my pregnancy.

Minnieok, I feel the same. I wish I had found DP earlier and had my DS with him. I'm 40 this year and wish I had the energy and patience for another, but as DS has ASD, the likelihood is quite high that another child (at this age) will also have it. That would destroy my already shaky MH.

And by "at this age", I refer mainly to DP, who is in his mid 50's.