To ask if you regret (not) having a 'last chance' baby?

[Firefliesautumn]

I've often read on Mumsnet that many women get a strong urge to have a (usually 3rd) baby when it's their 'last chance' to do so, eg in late thirties/early forties.

For those who held off, as well as those who went for it, how do you feel now?

I'm trying to balance the last desperate shouts of my ovaries with more practical considerations...

@MissOrganisedMe

God! Regretting reading this thread! I'm 39, 40 early next year, with a joyful 3.5 year old. I've been toying with another for a while. This isn't making me want to - you do automatically apply the 'it won't happen to me/us' dialogue but it most definitely could and I appreciate that that could be devastating.

Not got much more time to think tbh. Do you know where I would be best to start to read up on the risks a bit more?

@MissOrganisedMe this freaked me out too, similar situation.

A quick google suggests maybe not as bad as some are saying though. If others can cite sources saying the opposite I'd be interested to hear though as not expert.

For example ASD: there seems to be a consensus that it is associated with increased paternal age but the effect size is unclear (is the risk x1.2 or x6??) and so is the direction of causality (fathers with ASD traits may have babie later). ASD is also associated with young maternal age

nothereagain4 I understand and respect your feelings. We all decide what is best for us and our families. 🌸

@FippertyGibbett unless he sterilised you against your will, he didn't force you to not have another baby. You could have left him and had a baby with someone else, or by yourself.

The way you're speaking about this suggests that you're carrying a great deal of rage towards your husband, which is very unfair and very damaging to y bith, and likely your children. I'd really advise you to speak to someone impartial about how you're feeling, it could help.

I already had 2 by the time I was 23. I really wanted a third but we just never had the guts to do it, too many reasons we couldn't/shouldn't, and by the time I got to 28 I decided that we would have no more, 2 boys was my lot. I was really quite upset about it, and DP was happy to go along with whatever I wanted to do.
Fast forward to lockdown and I'm currently accidentally pregnant with the third (a girl this time) I'm really struggling with it if I'm honest. I know when she is here I will feel as though my family is complete, and will definitely never have anymore, but all the reasons I told myself we couldn't are playing on my mind, and really making me dread it, which I feel very guilty about.
I know it will be a struggle. Financially and, for me, mentally, but I also know I won't regret it.

I will say this is my worst pregnancy. I'm only 18 weeks and am in a lot of pain already, which is very difficult because I have quite a physical job. I'm only 30 and I was quite fit so not sure why it's having such a bad effect on me this time.

Saitagainwhydontyou just curious, how did your aunt’s age contribute to complications during labour?

@greytminds I googled 'maternal age ASD' and found various studies and articles explaining studies - I'm a medical researcher but you don't need to be to read them - looks like there is very little evidence the connection 'everyone knows' about between advanced maternal age and ASD.

@InDeoEstMeaFiducia
*
blase to assume if nothing's picked up by prenatal tests it's all hunky dory.*

I agree wholeheartedly with this, also that it can happen at any age of the mum. I have one amazing 2 year old (fully NT and healthy) who was 5 weeks early - I was 38.5 when she arrived and never had a debrief about her early arrival. That said, I had put her through CVS at 13 weeks (combined tests showed high risk) and I had low Papp-a so who knows.

I've more and more been thinking she would love a sibling, but quite frankly this thread is terrifying me!

@Emmmie I don't know of course about the particular case but the chance of giving birth without assistance if you have your first baby when you are over 40 is as low as 30% - compared to 80% for mothers under 20. With the increased need for assited birth comes increased cases of not getting the baby out in time.

In some countries older mothers are offered a c section for this reason

That makes a lot of sense as the main risk with c-section is complications if you have more than two subsequent pregnancies (which is unlikely if you are over 40).

@StraffeHendrik

I googled 'maternal age ASD' and found various studies and articles explaining studies - I'm a medical researcher but you don't need to be to read them - looks like there is very little evidence the connection 'everyone knows' about between advanced maternal age and ASD.

Just to clarify in case the "everyone knows" point was pointed at me, I said that in the context of risks generally, from pregnancy/labour through to chromosomal issues. There are well documented higher risks in these areas with a higher age. I have made no comment to ASD or autism, I wasn't aware of an age related risk to that.

My last chance baby was unplanned (condom / cycle day 6 - yes really!!)

She is an absolute joy but she was born with a rare genetic condition [not picked up until after she was born] she is registered disabled , is globally delayed and whilst she is getting on really well at the moment it's a condition with a spectrum she is unlikely to ever live independently or have her own family.

It's something I'd always tell people to consider. Could you cope if your baby is not NT? Could you cope with the very worst of the worst? (thankfully we can and do cope and DC3 is progressing at her own rate) but it is still tough. Very tough!

StraffeHendrik
Thank you🙂. I had at c-section at 21 due to a breech baby, and
I am certain I will have a c-section again at 40 which is fine with me. I just hope it all goes well.

My MIL had her 3 elder children in her twenties, when she and my FIL were quite head-up and working hard to progress in their careers. When the eldest (my husband) was 14, they decided to have another child, almost so that they could "enjoy" parenting in a way that they hadn't been able to with the elder three.

She's a wonderful, bright, confident girl who I would say has really benefited from having elder siblings and then from being almost an "only child" during her teens. She's off to uni now and moving to London, and DH is looking forward to seeing more of her. They are very close, although it is almost more of an "uncle - neice" relationship and siblings, due to the age difference.

OTOH, my step-grandparents had 5 sons and were desperate for a girl, so tried one last time. They ended up with twin boys

@Crunchymum

It's something I'd always tell people to consider. Could you cope if your baby is not NT? Could you cope with the very worst of the worst? (thankfully we can and do cope and DC3 is progressing at her own rate) but it is still tough. Very tough!

I think this is really important, and what scares me. Although age is a factor as it does increase risks, I had the same thought in my 20s. I have been so unbelievably lucky to have 2 healthy children, safely delivered, the older I get and the more I see the more I realise how lucky I am to have that and to try again and take that risk is just that a risk, I have a lot more to lose now with 2 children to consider than when I didn't have any or just the one.

I always had 3 children in my mind as what I wanted (DH only ever wanted 2!) - we've got a DD and now pregnant with twins (IVF) - I feel sad that this will be my last ever pregnancy as we fought so long and hard to get here and lost lots of babies along the way. I have 2 more embryos frozen and I suspect the longing to transfer them and have maybe a 4th child will always stay with me. Maybe because they are already "conceived" in a sense even if it is just in a lab somewhere - they are "ours" . Don't think I'll convince DH to agree to it though 🤣 (unless he dies or is declared mentally incompetent- then legally I'm allowed to transfer them 🤦‍♀️)

I want a third

I'm desperate for a third. My whole body and mind ache for another.

However my 2 nearly killed me and them. My dr said we could do it. But to think about the fact that I could leave 3 children without a mother

That was such a sobering statement that I kinda just went. Wow.

I'm still desperate for a third. I'm still aching for a third. My eldest would just be AMAZING with a baby. She adores babies. She magnetises to any in a room! I feel sad that I can't do that for her too.

However. I'm waiting for that ache to go. It's been 4 years and although I'm desperate I know in the back of my mind that it's for a good reason. That doing so would put my life. My health (I was left with life limiting. Life long illnesses after my second) my children and my husband at risk and I can't justify doing so

Plus the whole having a third. Bigger cars. More money.

I like my life. I adore and love being a mother. Strangely I never wanted children. I never thought I'd make a very good mother. I have the most wonderful and close relationship with my own mother and wanted to recreate that and didn't think I could. But I've manage to do it with both.

I feel like my life is complete. Almost.

God no. I'm 38 next month, and I've got 2 boys aged 6 and 22 months. They are happy, healthy boys and I'm bloody happy with my lot. It's never a given that you'll end up with healthy babies as you get a bit older, and I certainly wouldn't want to go there again. I'm aware that my hormones nag me occasionally but really, there's no way in reality I want another one.

I'm happy with two - but I always knew I didn't want to be pregnant past the age of 35/36. I'm just so grateful for what I've got. It's enough.

@ivfdreaming having twins is a very sneaky way of tricking your husband into having three kids haha!

I am 42 and I always had a strong feeling that I would have a third. It was even confirmed randomly by a lady who held my hand one day and said “when your oldest is much older you will have a little girl’.

Well my oldest is much older, and should a third come along, I hope it’s not through my body! I really don’t want to go back to the baby years now. I am still half expecting it to happen somehow though!

I know someone who had a 3rd when her older 2 were 9 and 11. Said it was the best decision she made and felt like she really got to enjoy the baby and toddler stage properly because with the other 2 the age gap had been too close for her/she’d been too young/she’d had other stresses. She was early 30s though and I don’t really know about the stats when it comes to pregnancy in 40s.

Somehow - that makes it sound like I don’t know where babies come from! I do.

@Emmmie

Saitagainwhydontyou just curious, how did your aunt’s age contribute to complications during labour?

I have no idea, all i know is what she told me, which is that there were complications because she's older.

@DorisDaisyMay do you have two boys by any chance? I do and I think there's always that expectation when you have one sex that you'll always pine for one of the opposite!

Ahh, okay. Thanks “Sayitagaindontyou*

I am pleased we didn't have more! For me it would have dragged out the early years too much which can be relentless and I thought it would damage my career so I am pleased we didn't have a 3rd.