Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should get the extension?

392 replies

Janejones12 · 23/08/2020 08:58

Please can I ask your advice?
I was finally divorced last year after a long separation and have literally dragged myself out of it. I have worked before but especially since separation non stop and now have a good job and my own home. I have 4 children, two boys and two girls. The girls are 3 and 7 and share with me in a large room. The boys are 15 and 14 and share the other room. This house is all I can afford.
The boys are totally different. One is loud and wakes until late, the other rises early and needs quiet-possibly ASD. They utterly hate sharing. The younger brings his xbox into the living room so is downstairs most of the day. The sound of you tube or him talking to friends with headphones on drives me to despair.
I can partition their bedroom but they may still be able to hear each other.
I have recently paid for a small extension backing onto the lounge. My second son is asking for it. It cost a few thousand and was a lot of hard work on my part to achieve.
I just got a new job meaning a lot of home working. I was going to partition the boys' room so they have half each and leave my daughters in the bedroom we are now. I will sleep in the extension and use it as an office leaving the living room free.
My sister said the eldest child should get the extension and I should continue to share and leave the other boy where he is. I can sleep on a sofa bed if I have to.
Both boys are lazy and I do resent a little bit them both having 'the best' and think it could make them entitled to have the best just to sit and play xbox whilst I work, clean and do everthing. Their dad has no involvement, no maintenence. Just me. I have had years of nothing, literally dragging us all through life.
If I give the eldest the extension it would be unfair to take it away later. They are starting GCSEs and I want them to do well but also after years of just working and surviving want a nice life for myself. I have a newish partner who said I should get the extension as breadwinner and adult, but that could be clouded by the fact it means he could stay over and I am not making a decision based on that.
Please could I have your advice?
Many thanks

OP posts:
FlySheMust · 23/08/2020 09:00

The extension is yours. Your sister seems a bit bonkers.

thewallisblue · 23/08/2020 09:00

You should have the extension. You deserve it!

lyralalala · 23/08/2020 09:04

Your partner needs to keep his opinion out of it if he's pushing for selfish reasons.

That said I think you should have the extension. Put the boys in the biggest room and partition it. Then your girls in the other.

Have you applied to CMS for maintenance from their father?

Budbudbud · 23/08/2020 09:04

You should have the extension and partition the boys room

LittleBearPad · 23/08/2020 09:04

You should have it but make sure you also use the sitting room so you don’t spend most of your life in the new room.

Why does their dad avoid maintenance

LittleBearPad · 23/08/2020 09:04

Or maybe - how is a better question.

MsVestibule · 23/08/2020 09:05

If I've got this right, your sister's solution is that you continue to share with your daughters, whilst your sons have a room each, one upstairs and one in the new extension?

That wouldn't be my solution! I think your's is perfectly fair - your daughters continue to share a bedroom, you have your own bedroom/office downstairs and your boys have their own room each, hopefully with good soundproofing.

Inertia · 23/08/2020 09:06

You need the extension- you are the only working person in the household and sometimes work from home, so you need the space and quiet. Earning has to be prioritised.

If you move out of the large bedroom, would that suit partitioning better? The girls could then share the room the boys currently have. A change might help reset entrenched behaviour a little.

Your sister can butt out.

fairislecable · 23/08/2020 09:06

You as the adult are entitled to a room of your own especially as it will also be a work space.

The boys need to be parented and not allowed to do as they please to the detriment of others.

When the children are back at school and bedtime hours more regimented (and less gaming time) their needs will be different to now.

LouiseTrees · 23/08/2020 09:06

@lyralalala

Your partner needs to keep his opinion out of it if he's pushing for selfish reasons.

That said I think you should have the extension. Put the boys in the biggest room and partition it. Then your girls in the other.

Have you applied to CMS for maintenance from their father?

This
Jeremyironsnothing · 23/08/2020 09:06

I think you should get the office/ bedroom but I do understand the frustration of the boys. It's probably not the entitlement factor - more the frustration factor.

Have they got decent noise canceling headphones? Any loud xboxing should not be taking place early or late if it's disturbing the other one, but will it disturb you if it takes place downstairs?

gobbynorthernbird · 23/08/2020 09:07

Could you partition the larger room and put the girls in one, and the quieter boy in the other?
But definitely you in the extension.

Merryoldgoat · 23/08/2020 09:08

Well, it’s not really about who ‘deserves’ it - in my opinion. It’s about what makes your family life bearable.

You may well resent your older children but they’re yours, they’re children, and they need you to make the best decisions for them.

I’m afraid I’m also not really sure about listening to your partner. He has his own agenda and it’s not his business.

You need to think with a clear head.

FWIW I had zero space of my own when I was younger. It was unbearable. I ran from home as soon as was feasible and resented my mother for it, not for the lack of money, but the lack of acknowledgement of and care for my feelings.

sunnysidegold · 23/08/2020 09:08

I think you deserve the extension. I know at the boys' ages it might be annoying to share, but you need a space to work. And to get away from the noise of YouTube. Through the day! I think you should partition the boys' bedroom and leave the girls to share. You take the extension.

Jeremyironsnothing · 23/08/2020 09:09

Yes, I agree which upstairs room will partition the best? Maybe swap the boys over with the girls. A complete partition would be best complete with door, even if it does make tiny rooms. At least they would be private.

TW2013 · 23/08/2020 09:10

You get the extension, girls share the smaller room, partition the larger room for the boys.

Merryoldgoat · 23/08/2020 09:10

I agree with PP - can you partition the large room, split the boys that way and then but the younger in their previous room?

TW2013 · 23/08/2020 09:12

Do you have a floor plan of the upstairs? People might be able to make some suggestions of best way to partition. The girls should be able to share until the boys leave home.

CalmdownJanet · 23/08/2020 09:13

Take the extension but stop thinking of it as you taking it, your girls are sharing with you, this is them getting their own room two, it's for you and your girls. Giving it to the boys is totally unfair in the girls

Sexnotgender · 23/08/2020 09:14

You get the extension. Frankly it sounds like your boys need to learn where they come in the hierarchy.
As the breadwinner and adult you get the say on what happens. Your sister is a loon.

lyralalala · 23/08/2020 09:15

@Merryoldgoat

I agree with PP - can you partition the large room, split the boys that way and then but the younger in their previous room?
Are you suggesting that the girls share half of the large room while the boys get either half a room or the whole other room to themselves?
Dumbie · 23/08/2020 09:17

Of course you should have your own space. Wfh is reason enough. Let alone single handedly raising and supporting 4 children. You need that space for your own mental health!

Original poster
Janejones12 · 23/08/2020 09:18

The kids father moved abroad with his new partner and don't know where he is. He does ring them occasionally
I appreciate the needs particularly of the eldest. If he gets the extension the house will be calm and quiet and as teenagers they will pretty much live in their bedrooms
I could at a push work in the kitchen during the day when the house is quiet
None of us really get much privacy. The eldest has a tendency to manipulate me for the best of everything which is why I am cautious but similarly he works exceptionally hard and is academic. I wouldn't see him but both of them would be very content
I think you are right about the partner. The boys do not like him coming over for coffee etc, so I don't let him. I do feel somewhat of a slave to the teenagers and my inability to have any kind of life whilst their dad swans off but similarly they are my children and my responsibility and having had a terrible teenage experience at home know how it can affect someone.
I think the fact they've all been at home for 6 months, never gone out and I am sick of no space is getting to me and clouding my decisions.
Being a mother is so thankless sometimes.
Thanks for your help.

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 23/08/2020 09:18

My knee jerk response is of course you should have it but I wonder if overall family life might improve if the boys had their own spaces?

It can’t be much fun having your living space taken over with gaming all day every day?

I’d try as much as I could to ensure the boys have separate quiet spaces but in the basis that when they’re not at school there are some real compromises about noise and how spaces are used.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 23/08/2020 09:21

Your sisters solution is insane. You have the extension, partition the boys room.

Your hard work is what pays for this house - you need a decent space to work and rest in.

Also, what lesson does it teach your DDs if their brothers are treated like little princes while they share with you?