Who should get the extension?

[Janejones12]

Please can I ask your advice?
I was finally divorced last year after a long separation and have literally dragged myself out of it. I have worked before but especially since separation non stop and now have a good job and my own home. I have 4 children, two boys and two girls. The girls are 3 and 7 and share with me in a large room. The boys are 15 and 14 and share the other room. This house is all I can afford.
The boys are totally different. One is loud and wakes until late, the other rises early and needs quiet-possibly ASD. They utterly hate sharing. The younger brings his xbox into the living room so is downstairs most of the day. The sound of you tube or him talking to friends with headphones on drives me to despair.
I can partition their bedroom but they may still be able to hear each other.
I have recently paid for a small extension backing onto the lounge. My second son is asking for it. It cost a few thousand and was a lot of hard work on my part to achieve.
I just got a new job meaning a lot of home working. I was going to partition the boys' room so they have half each and leave my daughters in the bedroom we are now. I will sleep in the extension and use it as an office leaving the living room free.
My sister said the eldest child should get the extension and I should continue to share and leave the other boy where he is. I can sleep on a sofa bed if I have to.
Both boys are lazy and I do resent a little bit them both having 'the best' and think it could make them entitled to have the best just to sit and play xbox whilst I work, clean and do everthing. Their dad has no involvement, no maintenence. Just me. I have had years of nothing, literally dragging us all through life.
If I give the eldest the extension it would be unfair to take it away later. They are starting GCSEs and I want them to do well but also after years of just working and surviving want a nice life for myself. I have a newish partner who said I should get the extension as breadwinner and adult, but that could be clouded by the fact it means he could stay over and I am not making a decision based on that.
Please could I have your advice?
Many thanks

Yes! well done OP!!

Must say, your eldest’s mature reaction shows he is a nice kid really and when you make a decision that is clearly fair - even if it’s not what he wants - he will accept it. I hope this makes you feel more able to take “fair-but-unpopular” decisions in future, even if one of them gets upset. After all, things aren’t always going to go their way out in the real world in a handful of years.

As it is they are all asleep. Whilst i sit and try to take in some of the day.
The time goes so fast. I feel very sad and am not sure why

I just wanted to say well done op. You should be proud of yourself.

You sound like you are doing a fantastic job in difficult circumstances OP. Bloody well done.

@Janejones12 sweetheart, have a virtual unMN style hug. You have been a warrior today. And a fabulous parent. No wonder you feel sad - if only someone had been a kind parent to you.

Well done, again.

Please do something just for you before you go to bed - cup of tea or glass of wine or tv show or bath - just something that’s shows love for you too.

Take care x

[quote NameChange2PostThis]@Janejones12 sweetheart, have a virtual unMN style hug. You have been a warrior today. And a fabulous parent. No wonder you feel sad - if only someone had been a kind parent to you.

Well done, again.

Please do something just for you before you go to bed - cup of tea or glass of wine or tv show or bath - just something that’s shows love for you too.

Take care x[/quote]
I think this may be true about not being parented myself!
Im in bed watching netflix!

@Janejones12 sounds good. I’m still chasing the DC to bed

I'm so proud of you. I hope it's ok for a complete stranger to say that to you? I'm so proud. You've done absolutely the right thing and it seems the boys have respected that and by extension, you.

Bloody well done. Now hold your nerve. You'll be fine.

@Janejones12 your posts are very familiar, did you post just before last Christmas about your set up when you decided to get the boys to share so you could improve your own living conditions a little?

If it was you, please be kind to yourself! You have held things together for your family, don't feel guilty for making sure you have some privacy.

Someone posted further back about children being secure in knowing the adult is in charge and I absolutely believe that to be true. You don't need to feel worried about pleasing them all the whole time, they will be much more settled knowing you are making good decisions for the family as a whole even if they don't always acknowledge it!

The other thing is the old saying "you can't pour from am empty vessel" giving yourself space and ensuring your own basic needs are met is so important to allow you to continue providing them with a safe home.

Well done OP. You've done amazingly well.

During the early years of my separation /divorce I always stuck to rules with my dc. Exh let them run rings round him.. Allowing bad behaviour /under age drinking /out til all hours etc.
At 12 +14 they came ft to live with me. They admitted they needed boundaries and parenting.. Your dc have all the correct input for a happy adult life - and positive relationships with you then also.
Well done op.

Fantastic update, @Janejones12!!

I’m so, so, so glad you posted here! 💐

Split the boys room in two and sound proof it as much as possible

You get a workspace and bedroom to yourself in the extension.

The boys get a shed or caravan to play Xbox in

Do as you suggested, split the boys room and you have the extension. You have to work to provide the money, therefore need the space to do that

What a fantastic update OP!

So glad that you posted and were able to take on board pretty peoples views and comments.

And yes to getting the older children in particular to pull their weight around the house. Five people living somewhere and one person doing all the cooking/cleaning/washing just isn't good maths and needs to stop.

Good decision

Great update OP, well done.
One of my friends is an amazing single mum to teens and they have one guiding principle in their home - whatever else 'don't be an arsehole'.
Shocked the kids the first time she said it , but very useful in focusing teen minds on how their behaviour affects others.

Your boys can definitely cook once a week, help a bit around the house and have some consideration for everyone else. They'll be better for it in the long run.
Enjoy your extension!!

You get the extension, you work for it, you are the adult, you are the boss.
The boys room should be partitioned, use a sliding door if it means they can both have a door. ( my dad did this for my brothers one had a bifolding door and the other a sliding, it it saved space and meant they didn't disturb each other every time one of them left the room. )
If you need to put them into the bigger if the upstairs room to do it then that could happen too.
Don't be manipulated by a child or guilt tripped by your sister. Your house so you're the boss!

@Janejones12 wowsers, you are one strong Mumma! Seriously, you rock. You lost your way slightly over what was right regarding the extension and You reached out for help and guidance. Huge respect to you, well done. I'm a single parent, (with a partner - the two are separate entities), I know how hard it is, and I have a support network around me. Go to bed tonight knowing that you have done a fabulous job today for all five of you.

The holistic phycologist (you can find her on Facebook) has a Re-parenting approach, which has the aim of helping you meet your needs now that weren’t met as a child by parents - so that you can develop a heathy ego and heathy relationships now. I find it challenging but so helpful. It’s making me stop blaming others for how I react to them too. (Does that sentence make sense - it does in my head!) also Mel Robins. Only found them both recently through something that came up on Facebook but their viewpoint has challenged and helped me so you might find them useful to.
Good luck with it all. We’re also counting down the number of days still schools reopen. If they don’t, our youngest would likely implode, they’re so keen to be there again!

Haven’t read the FT. Have posters mentioned room dividers.

www.wayfair.co.uk/home-decor/pdx/bay-isle-home-innsbruck-1-panel-room-divider-hetc4400.html

www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/kallax-shelving-unit-with-4-inserts-white-s19278328/

For the kids’ rooms I mean.

Well don’t for claiming the extension!

Must say, your eldest’s mature reaction shows he is a nice kid really and when you make a decision that is clearly fair - even if it’s not what he wants - he will accept it. I hope this makes you feel more able to take “fair-but-unpopular” decisions in future, even if one of them gets upset. After all, things aren’t always going to go their way out in the real world in a handful of years.

This.

Also the sliding or bifold door ideas to save space, is a good idea.

You’re doing so well! I agree your eldests reaction shows he’s a decent boy really and will be a lovely young man once he outgrows the teen years, and that’s all down to you. Don’t be hard on yourself for struggling through lockdown and schools closed as a single mum to 4, I’m so glad you are prioritising you a little bit too :)

Well done OP, you are the strong and loving mother your kids need.