Who should get the extension?

[Janejones12]

Please can I ask your advice?
I was finally divorced last year after a long separation and have literally dragged myself out of it. I have worked before but especially since separation non stop and now have a good job and my own home. I have 4 children, two boys and two girls. The girls are 3 and 7 and share with me in a large room. The boys are 15 and 14 and share the other room. This house is all I can afford.
The boys are totally different. One is loud and wakes until late, the other rises early and needs quiet-possibly ASD. They utterly hate sharing. The younger brings his xbox into the living room so is downstairs most of the day. The sound of you tube or him talking to friends with headphones on drives me to despair.
I can partition their bedroom but they may still be able to hear each other.
I have recently paid for a small extension backing onto the lounge. My second son is asking for it. It cost a few thousand and was a lot of hard work on my part to achieve.
I just got a new job meaning a lot of home working. I was going to partition the boys' room so they have half each and leave my daughters in the bedroom we are now. I will sleep in the extension and use it as an office leaving the living room free.
My sister said the eldest child should get the extension and I should continue to share and leave the other boy where he is. I can sleep on a sofa bed if I have to.
Both boys are lazy and I do resent a little bit them both having 'the best' and think it could make them entitled to have the best just to sit and play xbox whilst I work, clean and do everthing. Their dad has no involvement, no maintenence. Just me. I have had years of nothing, literally dragging us all through life.
If I give the eldest the extension it would be unfair to take it away later. They are starting GCSEs and I want them to do well but also after years of just working and surviving want a nice life for myself. I have a newish partner who said I should get the extension as breadwinner and adult, but that could be clouded by the fact it means he could stay over and I am not making a decision based on that.
Please could I have your advice?
Many thanks

Well done OP! Totally the right decision.

Well done, OP, I'm pleased for you.

Hello @Janejones12

I've been lurking on your thread, WILLING you to take a deep breath and tell your children how things are going to work. And, as another PP said, HALLELUJAH!! 🎶

Well done from a stranger in here to you, OP. Not only did you calmly sort out the room allocations but you also raised the bar about your expectations on everyone pulling their weight in the home.

Even more impressive giving the "partner" the heave-ho! You really don't need complications like him in your life, do you: one foot in and one foot out.

You already sound happier and stronger. Here's a hug 🤗 for you.

Now to deflect your sister's comments if/when she shows her disapproval at your decisions. Onward and upward. Have a great life, OP. 🌹

Well done OP. You've had a hard time and you're doing brilliantly. Hugs and

OP,
That is really amazing progress.
Amazing.

I love the saying "don't ask a question that you don't want an answer to"🤣.

Sometimes you just have to say, this is what is going to happen.

They shouldn't be getting any money without jobs being done.

Teenagers will take as much as they can get away with. Even the good ones!

You have made a great change in 24 hours.

They need you well.

Your boys need a dose of reality.

Who will care for them all if you become ill?

You need to tell they have to step up and support you in running the house and working as a team.

Protecting them from the realities of what's going on is not going to help them in the long run.

One person cannot do everything.

If you become ill, SS would have to get involved with the children.

You don't want this, so getting them to work with you is very important.

Thank you all.
I find the fear of telling people my decisions scary.
Now i need to tell my friend i start a new job.
We just went to buy new bedding and duvet covers, they all picked what they like. Only cheap from home bargains but they seem happy enough
Also bought a million plastic boxes. They will get a bin bag for charity, rubbish bag, and box what they keep. Then they are painting. God help us all...

Sounds fabulous OP. Enjoy your new extension😊

This sounds excellent!

You sound lovely and you're going to kick ass at your new job

To be fair the ex seems unhinged. Numerous serious relationships she left him but somehow expects him to support her through each relationship breakdown. And he does. They see each other every day she pops in unannounced. She turns up if we are having a meal out and just sits down. Joke.

If she's unhinged, what makes him any less so?

Move into your new space and see it as a new start. You deserve better than to be in a relationship with this man and his ex.

@Janejones12

Thank you all. I find the fear of telling people my decisions scary. Now i need to tell my friend i start a new job. We just went to buy new bedding and duvet covers, they all picked what they like. Only cheap from home bargains but they seem happy enough Also bought a million plastic boxes. They will get a bin bag for charity, rubbish bag, and box what they keep. Then they are painting. God help us all...

It will give them a feeling of positivity, and pride in their achievements though which is a huge tick in all your family boxes. 🌹

OP you have lost yourself, your identity as a person, who is allowed to have an opinion, to have needs, and wants just like everyone else .. get rid of this man, he brings nothing to your life, and be strong OP, make a decision and stand by it 🌺

Ditching this man seems wise, him and his drama add nothing to your life.

You don't need him bossing you about either.

@DopamineHits

To be fair the ex seems unhinged. Numerous serious relationships she left him but somehow expects him to support her through each relationship breakdown. And he does. They see each other every day she pops in unannounced. She turns up if we are having a meal out and just sits down. Joke.

If she's unhinged, what makes him any less so?

Move into your new space and see it as a new start. You deserve better than to be in a relationship with this man and his ex.

Well because i would never consider turning up at a restaurant and sitting next to my exh and partner. Just as he wouldnt do it with her new partner who she has dumped got back with 6 times since christmas. But he enables it and i cant be bothered. I am not invested enough to 'fight' for first place. I have good kids and friends and a nice but small house. Its enough. Thank you for your valid viewpoint.

Excellent news op and stop feeling guilty for it. You worked so hard for that extension, you fully deserve it! Not many people could raise 4 kids alone and still work and save up money for an extension. Bloody well done and enjoy your new room!

But do not give it back when you no longer need it for work. I saw that little detail in there, he can't have it once you no longer work in there. It's yours only.

Loving the update, both the fact you found the strength to do it but also that your eldest's response was reasonable. I hope their painting goes well and that the new expectations you're putting in place help you feel braver.

I would let the eldest have the extension.

My kids used to share me it's so much better since having their own rooms as sometimes they just need their own space.. and if it makes the house quieter it's a win win x

You made the right decision OP
But please just make the change your daughters don’t need you sleeping on the floor to get used to the new arrangement you are still martyring yourself!!